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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to spend 2 days a week with my elderly mother. AIBU?

89 replies

thanklesschild · 22/01/2021 18:11

DM and DF live in a different town from me. In their 80s and in good health, although DF has more health issues than DM. We have been considering moving to the same town as them, although they are not aware of this. Much nicer location, cheaper housing and we would be on hand to support them. Had the following conversation with DM last night about my widowed aunt Anne and her daughter Denise (false names):
DM: Denise spends 2 days a week with Anne.
Me: 2 days a week? How boring. What is the point of that? What do they DO?
DM: Nothing much. They have a cup of coffee when Denise gets there, then they chat until it's time for lunch. Then they clear up together, watch TV and have another chat until it's time for a cup of tea, then Denise goes home at about 6.
Me: And they do that twice a week, week in week out? Why would anyone want to do that?
DM: It's company for Anne. That's what people do if their relatives are on their own and they love them. I would be really upset if I was on my own and you lived nearby and didn't do that for me.
The conversation went on for some time. DM conceded that she would only expect 1 day per week if I were working, which I am. I was shocked by DM's expectations and moving to her town is now impossible. I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable tantrums further down the line if I don't fall in with her expectations. Help and support and dropping in for a couple of hours here and there - more than happy. But I would go off my nut if I had to spend 2 whole days per week in idle conversation. In terms of my set up, it's just DP and me. We are both quiet and a bit anti social, whereas DM is a lively busybody who has many friends and never stops talking. My question to you is AIBU in not being prepared to spend 2 days per week with my DM? Would you do this for your DM if she was on her own and lived nearby? Thank you for your responses. This has been going round and round in my mind.

OP posts:

nettytree · 22/01/2021 18:59

I haven't seen my mum since August last year. Would love to be able to do this. I am worried that I won't ever get the chance again due to covid.

SantiagoSky · 22/01/2021 18:59

Great if that works for Anne and Denise, but I would never do the same! Don't move to your mum's town.

Justcallmebebes · 22/01/2021 18:59

Isn't it kind of sad that virtually every post seesv spending time with their mum an unbearable chore? I would love that kind of relationship with my mother. Just remember people, you too will be the older parent one day. Please be kind, especially now

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 22/01/2021 19:02

No, I wouldn't. I'd lose the will to live and become an angry, nasty person. My mother drives me insane with her rewritten versions of history and claims she's"only joking" if called out on a massive lie or being deeply unpleasant about someone. She's my mother and also has many good qualities, and a lot of her difficult qualities are the product of her own upbringing, and probably her parents' before her... However - no. Two days per week would not end well.

People comparing an adult offspring's responsibilities towards their parents with a parents'responsibilities towards an infant or child are either being deliberately obtuse, being out and out goady or are just very stupid. Its transparently obvious that a parent is completely responsibe for a dependant child who has little to no control over their situation, and whom they chose to have, and that a cognitively fit 80 year old is responsible for themselves.

I'd do anything my children needed (not wanted) but the OP's mother wants her daughter to do exactly what her mother wants for 50% of her non working days.

Mary46 · 22/01/2021 19:03

I dont live too near my mam. I visit when I can. Find she sets things in stone and then I got working. Messy. Now I call when I can. Only so much one can do. She forgets in her day there was no traffic it was easier. Would find 2 days too much

Ponoka7 · 22/01/2021 19:06

It doesn't sound as though you are friends with your Mum, so couldn't envisage doing it. It's no different than chilling with your DP/children, or going round to a friends. It's strange that you would immediately think it would be boring.

Some people aren't just family, they are friends as well.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 22/01/2021 19:06

Justcallmebebes If my DD feels obligated to do this for me I hope I'll have the grace to send her off to live her own life. I hope I never play the FOG game with my children - if I do, I should be deeply ashamed and hope I die in my sleep that night...

Mimilamore · 22/01/2021 19:09

Bloody hell, makes me feel guilty for getting older if being with me would be a chore to be endured, what a self centred nasty lot the majority of posters are and I hope any children you have feel the same way about you when you get old....
Us older people have got interests you know and a sense of humour and things to share... ffs

awaynboilyurheid · 22/01/2021 19:11

I don’t find two days too much, but seems I am in minority .
But we get on great and normally go out to shops, coffee, or walks but not obvs now and finding it very hard, but I work part time so have more free time.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 22/01/2021 19:12

Mimilamore in that case you've nothing to worry about have you? Read the OP before starting the intergenerational scolding! Her mother wants her to do "nothing much " with her on 50% of her days off and describes days based around cups of tea and clearing up.

BrumBoo · 22/01/2021 19:14

@Mimilamore

Bloody hell, makes me feel guilty for getting older if being with me would be a chore to be endured, what a self centred nasty lot the majority of posters are and I hope any children you have feel the same way about you when you get old.... Us older people have got interests you know and a sense of humour and things to share... ffs

Always one. No one is saying older people aren't interesting for goodness sake, but most people can't dedicate two days a week to anyone outside their immediate household usually. Once you're done with work, chores, shopping, any admin that needs looking at, then spending a couple of days a week with a parent - when the heck are you mean to have time to yourself for hobbies, relaxing, going out (when it's legal again)?

NiceGerbil · 22/01/2021 19:14

'Isn't it kind of sad that virtually every post seesv spending time with their mum an unbearable chore? I would love that kind of relationship with my mother. Just remember people, you too will be the older parent one day. Please be kind, especially now'

My mum has never really liked or understood me. She has done some stuff that when I told my friends their jaws dropped. I couldn't tell my parents when I had pnd as I knew they would tell me to pull my socks up and I would get no sympathy. And so much more.

We never go shopping together or meet for coffee or anything. In fact when I got married they acted as if I had left the family and only invite me quite finally l formally and always with DH and the kids.

They live just up the road!

So yes what goes around comes around. For them although I will look after them if it comes to that but not going and sitting there all day. Not that they would ever ask tbh of of me or my brother.

I am working hard with my own DC to be affectionate, know they are loved, they can tell me or dh anything and if they want someone else their aunt or something etc etc. I mean it's not hard work and maybe I'm over egging it but it's not how I was brought up so it's hard.

The idea that women saying yikes are horrible and when it's our turn we'll get left alone .. is too much of a blanket statement. Feels like trying to guilt women into doing stuff they don't want with people that don't like them because of some vague what goes around comes around warning.

GingerNorthernLass · 22/01/2021 19:18

Sounds like something my Mum would say! Most of the time she is talking utter tosh though. I very much doubt these 'devoted daughters' exist.

Move closer but decide what you want to give her in terms of your time. Unless you are doing something specific I think you would be better off to pop in for a cup of tea, lunch or dinner. Spending all day there doing nothing in particular is a spectacular waste of time.

If you are part-time then I would be inclined to tell her that your hours are changing. I'm all about the self preservation though!

BrumBoo · 22/01/2021 19:21

@Justcallmebebes

When I'm older I hope to remember that my children have their own adult lives, and if I've done a good job then they'll call me every so often to tell me about it, and visit when possible.

Unlike my own mother who did as I explained above. The bit I left out was that we live a few miles away, and I often from a preteen went home to a cold house to live off crisps whilst she was looked after by her own mummy. Why on earth would I have given her 2 days out of my 7 if she had lived to old age, when she couldn't give me any of her time as a child?

cptartapp · 22/01/2021 19:23

Utterly selfish and self centred of your mother. I would think a lot less of her after those comments. Any parent worth their salt would not place those unrealistic expectations on a child in their prime and curtail their life in that way when they may have jobs, family, husbands and DC who should absolutely take priority.
We are all responsible for our own safety and well being, and plan and save for that accordingly as we age, to buy in care a son needed. One elderly parent being left alone one day will hardly be a surprise.
I can't believe any parent would actually let their DC do this.

FangsForTheMemory · 22/01/2021 19:27

@norealclue It wouldn't be 'more moral' at all. Stop being so sanctimonious. The OP's mother is clearly the sort of extrovert who likes other people around, while the OP herself isn't. What works for her aunt and cousin clearly wouldn't work for the OP. People are all different.

BashfulClam · 22/01/2021 19:28

So when are you meant to have time to yourself? Mil used to expect DH to give up a full weekend day every week. He soon got it cut down as we have shopping to get, washing to DJ and a house to run and need our weekends to do that as well as things we enjoy.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/01/2021 19:28

@Norealclue

I didnt vote because I know you dont have to do anything for your DM but OTOH it would be the more moral thing to spend time with whatever aged relatives a person has. Perhaps your DM was irritated by you as a baby wanting fed in the night as a toddler with night wakings etc throughout your childhood. I know you didnt ask to be born. It is hard to know what is best but I could never leave a sole surviving relative on their own

Which is exactly how (often) woman get completely trapped in caring roles... And are expected to just give up their lives as Aunty Glad is a bit lonely... Yes I'd take her out to tea, encourage her to join local groups...

But to give up 2 days for aimless chat...?? Nope..

Rosebel · 22/01/2021 19:28

I think YABU. Especially as your mum said if you were working one day a week would be fine.
I'd love to see my mum twice a week and find it a bit sad most people think seeing their mum is a chore.
Obviously you don't want to see her but you don't have to change your plans. Just move closer and be clear about how often you'll be round I'm sure your mum realises that if she throws a strop she'll just see you even less.

MsAnnFrope · 22/01/2021 19:29

I’m close to my mum, we speak most days especially during lockdown as she is on her own.
We enjoy each other’s company but Christ we would be bored out of our gourds if we sat about all day twice a week!
A day a week of an activity we like, even if that was going to a cafe or garden for a walk I’d be fine with. So YADNBU!!

partyatthepalace · 22/01/2021 19:29

@Norealclue

🙄

The OP isn’t suggesting she would. She’s saying she isn’t going to spend entire days there.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2021 19:30

I would find it very tiring to be around your mum op. My mother talks a lot and my mil never stopped talking. I’m far more of an introvert than them.

MrsBobDylan · 22/01/2021 19:31

DO NOT MOVE NEARER YOUR MOTHER.

LadyDique · 22/01/2021 19:34

Me: 2 days a week? How boring. What is the point of that? What do they DO?

I wouldn't want to go and sit in my mums house (or anyone's for that matter) for two days every week either.

But Yabu for how unnecessarily rude this comment was. It sounds like you were aiming for a confrontation tbh.

Correct amswer: 'Oh really? How nice'. Move on.

What you did was purposely pick the point up and rub it in your mother's face about how awful spending that much time with your mother would be. Totally unnecessary.

MrsBobDylan · 22/01/2021 19:35

For those getting all misty-eyed, I would happily spend two days a week with my MIL because she is a decent, kind human being with a brilliantly dry sense of humour. I'm sure who are like my MIL will be fine, but if you've been a demanding parent whose always put themselves first, then no, your child is not obliged to 'be kind' and piss the second half of their life up the wall pandering to you.

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