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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to spend 2 days a week with my elderly mother. AIBU?

89 replies

thanklesschild · 22/01/2021 18:11

DM and DF live in a different town from me. In their 80s and in good health, although DF has more health issues than DM. We have been considering moving to the same town as them, although they are not aware of this. Much nicer location, cheaper housing and we would be on hand to support them. Had the following conversation with DM last night about my widowed aunt Anne and her daughter Denise (false names):
DM: Denise spends 2 days a week with Anne.
Me: 2 days a week? How boring. What is the point of that? What do they DO?
DM: Nothing much. They have a cup of coffee when Denise gets there, then they chat until it's time for lunch. Then they clear up together, watch TV and have another chat until it's time for a cup of tea, then Denise goes home at about 6.
Me: And they do that twice a week, week in week out? Why would anyone want to do that?
DM: It's company for Anne. That's what people do if their relatives are on their own and they love them. I would be really upset if I was on my own and you lived nearby and didn't do that for me.
The conversation went on for some time. DM conceded that she would only expect 1 day per week if I were working, which I am. I was shocked by DM's expectations and moving to her town is now impossible. I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable tantrums further down the line if I don't fall in with her expectations. Help and support and dropping in for a couple of hours here and there - more than happy. But I would go off my nut if I had to spend 2 whole days per week in idle conversation. In terms of my set up, it's just DP and me. We are both quiet and a bit anti social, whereas DM is a lively busybody who has many friends and never stops talking. My question to you is AIBU in not being prepared to spend 2 days per week with my DM? Would you do this for your DM if she was on her own and lived nearby? Thank you for your responses. This has been going round and round in my mind.

OP posts:

butterpuffed · 22/01/2021 19:35

I can understand you not wanting to do that , OP , but I think it was very unkind that when your mum spoke about Denise and her mum spending two days together you said 'how boring' and 'what's the point, why would she do that'.

The way you relayed the conversation , it was fairly obvious she was sounding you out with a view to you and her spending more time together.

MrsBobDylan · 22/01/2021 19:36

Fgs, ops mum spoke about 'Denise' because she is trying to manipulate her into feeling obliged to do the same. It's probably bollocks anyway.

AlwaysLatte · 22/01/2021 19:42

It's tricky to balance. My mum is also not that near (40 mins away, yes I know it could be worse!) but I have other commitments as I have two children, 10 and 12, homeschool etc and my dad who is very unwell and needs daily support (he's only 15 mins away though). At times like when she was very ill last year I have had to go every day so at times it gets terribly complicated and busy. If you can set up a network for her so you are not the only visitor/carer it might help for the future.

Grendalsmum · 22/01/2021 19:49

Weirdly, this thread has really cheered me up! I look like an ideal daughter, l live a couple of doors down from my Mum and go round every night to have a chat, do the crossword and make sure she's eating and generally ok. Sounds lovely, right? I really resent it. Both my siblings live a long way off and are always banging on about what she needs and what should be done for her - she plays us off against each other. Don't be guilted into signing up for more than you're happy with - it poisons the air.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 22/01/2021 19:50

My mum (70s, retired) visits my grandmother (90s, lives on her own) several times a week for a coffee or to get shopping or to take her to an appointment. My grandmother visits my mum once a week approx for lunch. Neither of them are the type to just sit and chat endlessly but its nice to have regular contact and support.

SunsetSenora · 22/01/2021 19:53

If I had an elderly relative and they are lonely then of course I would spend time with them. Not all of my spare time, but a good long visit at some point each week. Sounds like you dont want to be there apart from very superficially which sounds pretty selfish tbh.

FluffyRabbitGal · 22/01/2021 19:57

I’ve voted YABU, but I fear my rose tinted glasses have influenced my decision! My mother lives over a 300 mile round trip away, and with Covid restricting visits, the thought of seeing my mother so much I’m sick of her feels like such a luxury right now.

eaglejulesk · 22/01/2021 20:02

Two full days sounds a bit much, but I used to spend most weekend afternoons with my DM before she went into care, and also had lunch with her at least once, and often twice each week (we also had lunch together on the weekend days). My view was that she wasn't going to be around forever so I was happy to spend the time with her while she was here. I also phoned her three times each day - mainly to check she was okay.

RinkyD · 22/01/2021 20:05

Anne here, It really is not my fault your mother is projecting my arrangement with my lovely daughter Denise on to you. Obviously no one should expect the kind of scintillating conversational relationship me and Denise have as mother and daughter. Actually the days we spend together we are working on answering problem letters for ‘take a break’ and earning a good crust too. Denise says ‘wind yer neck in love’.

Biffbaff · 22/01/2021 20:06

Lol at her passive dig "your auntie sees your cousin so much more". Classic obligation and guilting tactics there. She knows exactly what she's doing and it kind of worked on you in terms of winding you up, thinking "should I do that?" is that what "good" daughters do?

I'm reading a book at the moment called Discovering the Inner Mother, especially written for daughters with mothers like this. I recommend it!

thegcatsmother · 22/01/2021 20:12

I go over and do the shopping for my 80 year old Mum. I then go over on every second Sunday and change her bed and do her bins. I have her over for lunch once a month, and perhaps another time for dinner, and then she stays the night and goes home the next day. We speak on the phone every day.

Glenorma · 22/01/2021 20:13

I do that with my mum. She comes over for a coffee and cake - we sit at the table and chat. We’d normally do that in a cafe but we can’t at the moment. Then she plays with my DC, which gives me a chance to get some jobs done. Then we have a bit of lunch, maybe I help her to do her online banking and order birthday presents etc because she’s not good with technology. She often watches a film with my DC, which frees me up for a couple of hours to get more stuff done. Sometimes she does a bit of ironing to help me out. Tbh I’m incredibly grateful because it gives me a break from DC and allows me to do other tasks. We probably wouldn’t do it so much if I didn’t have DC, we might only do the coffee part.

Glenorma · 22/01/2021 20:16

I should add, we didn’t do this so much before Covid, but it’s hard times. My mum isn’t allowed to see anyone except me now so I make a special effort to spend more time with her. We’ll probably scale it back when she’s allowed to go out with her friends again. Perhaps Denise is also making a special effort right now because her mum is isolated.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/01/2021 20:19

It also completely depends on the r/s with the person.

When my own mum was alive we would often hang out, have coffee/food/wine (in or out). The odd weekend away in London hitting theatre/galleries/museum.

We got on well, she was fab, and she was a woman with lots of diverse interests, some of which I shared.

We were rarely 'in' doing nothing... We'd watch the odd film we both wanted to see.
It was so easy, as we genuinely enjoyed each others company. She never guilt tripped me. This made it easy too.

I don't half miss her!

needalittletimetowakeup · 22/01/2021 20:31

@MrsBobDylan

For those getting all misty-eyed, I would happily spend two days a week with my MIL because she is a decent, kind human being with a brilliantly dry sense of humour. I'm sure who are like my MIL will be fine, but if you've been a demanding parent whose always put themselves first, then no, your child is not obliged to 'be kind' and piss the second half of their life up the wall pandering to you.

I completely agree with this - for me spending that much time with my mother would ruin my life, and I would resent it hugely. Fantastic for all those who get on with and want to spend time with their mothers, but that is not always the case.

Onwardsandupwardswego · 22/01/2021 20:33

It's very difficult. My mum was a very absent parent. Then it old. I'm her new best friend

SwedishK · 22/01/2021 20:35

If I lived near my mum I would probably see her most days, but maybe not for 7-8 hours at a time. I’ve not seen her since the summer of 2019 and I miss her every day. She is old now and I am already so upset that this pandemic will have kept us from seeing each other for so long.

cardibach · 22/01/2021 20:38

The expectation is unreasonable, but you are unreasonable in saying spending time with family is boring, so 🤷‍♀️

namechangetheworld · 22/01/2021 20:48

Me: 2 days a week? How boring. What is the point of that? What do they DO?

You sound awful. I'm not particularly close to my DM but I could never be as dismissive and rude as this.

Shosha1 · 22/01/2021 20:52

My Mum died when I was only 30. But up till then I saw her most days. Sometimes just for half an hour, sometimes for a few hours.
In the last year, as cancer took more and more from her I was with her more and more I obviously spent a lot more time with her.
Even now 30 odd years later, I would love to be able to sit and have a bleather with her.

I lost my DD shortly after birth, but have seen wonderful DDIL, and she comes and spends at least one day a week with me. (Pre Covid) we have similar interests and tastes so just like spending time together.
I

gottakeeponmovin · 22/01/2021 20:52

I love my mother very much but I have a very hectic job a big house to run and kids. If I did that one day a week I'd have no time for anything else - let alone a wind down and me time. So I wouldn't move there if that was the expectation

feistymumma · 22/01/2021 20:55

@Onwardsandupwardswego

It's very difficult. My mum was a very absent parent. Then it old. I'm her new best friend

Sounds like my mother. She wasn't there at all when I was growing up and now all of a sudden she acts like we are best friends and doesn't even acknowledge that that sort of relationship is nurtured from birth. I visit her now and then but I resent that. She also expects to talk to me on the phone every evening which I also resent.

mrstasty · 22/01/2021 20:55

Me and my mum would absolutely kill each other.

If we want to maintain a nice relationship we've learned that 4 hour time slots are our limit. She's bored by my conversation and I'm bored by hers. She's a lovely person but we couldn't be more different and have nothing in common.

Has anyone done the "Well you should think yourself lucky, if my mum was still alive...." etc.

VinylDetective · 22/01/2021 21:04

I adored my mum but two days a week doing nothing? Neither of us would have wanted that. We used to have a day shopping every few weeks or an afternoon at a garden centre. Most weekends I dropped in for a couple of hours and we drank tea and chatted. That was lovely. We lived a 20 minute drive apart and that distance was just right.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 22/01/2021 21:16

I woudknt want to visit and just sit there. But I would be fine visiting and doing stuff if she needed help and jobs doing or going out for lunch etc. and would be fine with her hanging out at mine while I got on with stuff. If she wanted company then that's fair enough. But not at the expense of me doing nothing else useful or nothing that I enjoy in that time and not all on her terms if that makes sense

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