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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In asking neighbours not to build an extension during lockdown

162 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 22/01/2021 17:33

Saw my neighbour on my drive with a workman today. I asked what they were doing. They are planning to extend the front of their house out by about 5'.

They have done constant DIY since moving in a couple of years ago. Most of last spring/summers was in the garden. The noise was annoying, when we were all stuck at home.

My DS(32) has ASD & is noise sensitive. He had ear defenders last year but could not cope with the constant noise from next door. DS is ill with stomach & heart issues, which he thinks are caused by stress.

The trouble with asking the neighbour is that lockdown or tiers could go on a long time, plus I think they are taking advantage of being at home to get work done.

DS is hoping to get a flat but this could be months away. I have DD12 at home too, who will have to live with the constant meltdowns her brother will be having, from the noise next door.

AIBU to ask them to wait?

OP posts:
Nomorepies · 23/01/2021 10:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Proudboomer · 23/01/2021 10:31

I have been having building work done during lockdown and had no control over the date it started as a good builder is in high demand and if you cannot fit in with them then someone else will take that slot and the work will never start.
I got lucky as the weather has been shit and so he could pull a couple of men off an outside job to my inside job. Yes it has been noisy but the work done is for wheelchair access so enlarging door ways and taking down walls so not something I am going to put off until lockdown is over or COVID has gone away.

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 23/01/2021 10:36

Thank you for all the replies.

I have stated a couple of times I am NOT going to ask them to delay, just ask when they plan to start, so we can prepare.

I have also said I'm surprised at the people saying I should not have asked what they were doing - they were on my drive & all I said was "what are you having done?" in a nice chatty way.

Someone asked if they wfh - she doesn't, he's not working at mo - furloughed I think.

DS can't move back to my parents...

  1. He would still hear some noise, it's across the back to the neighbours
  2. Mams dementia is getting much worse, it doesn't work well with DS ASD.

Someone said I should move. I can't afford to right now. But also, I care for my parents.. I have to go to their house daily so living so close works well, as I work full time too. And also, my adult daughters are not too far away - not that I can see them at mo.

Anyway, I do appreciate all of the replies. I'm hoping DS may go & stay with my friend. Living with an adult with ASD can be hard work (as it can with a child too) & I worry about DS so much. Yesterday was not a good day - I think I'd almost reached breaking point with other stuff going on, & then my sons reaction to the neighbours extension just made me despair.

I am feeling more positive today, & totally realise I can not ask that of my neighbours

Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
Cleverpolly3 · 23/01/2021 10:39

@HelpIcantfindaname

I feel so sorry for you, what a worry this must be with your son. You have a lot on your plate with all of this and your parents to care for
I suppose all you can do is ask and explain but I think they will tell you they have reasons for doing it and probably will go ahead.
Sorry if this isn’t what you want to hear but is there any help for your son if they start in that he could be placed in a residential unit or receive some extra care?

MissMarpleDarling · 23/01/2021 10:41

YABVU OP. Surely you are joking?

Aprilx · 23/01/2021 10:43

YABVU.

I do not expect to research my neighbours medical history before buying a house and choosing to renovate how I want. Don’t ask, you have no right and it would only sour neighbourly relations.

Notnownotneverever · 23/01/2021 10:43

YANBU to ask but I wouldn’t expect to get a positive response.
People seem to lost the art of giving a shit about anyone else or being considerate with regards to homes/houses/DIY.

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 23/01/2021 10:53

I understand why people don't read the full thread.
But I always skip through to see what the OP has said & if they have agreed they are being unreasonable, as I now have 3 times, I would not comment to tell them so.

OP posts:
MyDcAreMarvel · 23/01/2021 10:54

Nobody should be getting any non essential work done on their houses during lockdown.

Brefugee · 23/01/2021 11:00

YANBU to find it a huge pain due to your son, but they are NBU to want to do improvements to their house.

What would you say to them? "please don't make noise until my son moves out at some unspecified point in the future"? And it wouldn't BU of you to mention why, but that is putting a whole load of pressure on them for something that is really nothing to do with them.

It's tough all round, sorry OP

Cleverpolly3 · 23/01/2021 11:04

@MyDcAreMarvel

Nobody should be getting any non essential work done on their houses during lockdown.
Quite
LadyEloise · 23/01/2021 11:09

@Helpcantfindaname
Please, please, please check your local council re planning permission in your area. Don't assume your neighbours can extend without planning permission.

They sound dreadful. On your property, measuring up without having the manners to ask. Not informing you, before their trespass, of theirs plans.

I'd be fuming if I were in your position.

SmellyPooHead · 23/01/2021 11:31

God, what a worry for you, I hope your son can stay with your friend, and yes if I saw my neighbour on my drive I'd ask them what they were doing, why wouldn't you

DBML · 23/01/2021 11:34

I can completely understand how you feel, but you can’t ask them to delay building an extension because it’s unpleasant for you.
It’s just a bit shit.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2021 11:46

@LadyEloise

@Helpcantfindaname Please, please, please check your local council re planning permission in your area. Don't assume your neighbours can extend without planning permission.

They sound dreadful. On your property, measuring up without having the manners to ask. Not informing you, before their trespass, of theirs plans.

I'd be fuming if I were in your position.

Gosh. Calm down. They were only standing on her drive. “Please, please, please, dreadful, fuming, trespass” that’s so over the top.

Op, I also understand why you thought of asking. It must be really very hard at the best of times, never mind with the thought of this happening. I think most folks would have had a similar thought occuring to them in your shoes.

As said, if your son isn’t normally out during the day then this might be the best time as you’re all there to support him. 💐

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2021 11:53

@HelpIcantfindaname

I understand why people don't read the full thread. But I always skip through to see what the OP has said & if they have agreed they are being unreasonable, as I now have 3 times, I would not comment to tell them so.
You haven’t been unreasonable at all, OP.

Good luck with it. Hopefully they won’t have planning permission yet, and by the time it happens your DS has his own place and is feeling in a better state of mind too. It all sounds really tough on you, so Flowers from a stranger to cheer you up.

independentfriend · 23/01/2021 12:03

I think it's worth looking at soundproofing for your own house - how good is it? Could improving the soundproofing make home more comfortable for your son - dulling the noise level from the building work, if not hiding it completely.

It's probably reasonable to get your neighbours to confirm the times of building work and to think around places your son could safely be if not at home with you. Could he go and visit one of his sisters? Could you both go? [yes, not great COVID risk wise, but weighing up the risk of COVID with the risks of him self harming / experiencing a significant deterioration in his mental health, possibly worth taking.]

Hont1986 · 23/01/2021 12:19

What's the delay on your son getting his own flat?

DenisetheMenace · 23/01/2021 12:22

FatherTedsBankAccount

My neighbours have only just finished theirs after 6 long, noisy months but these things need to be done I'm afraid.

“They don't "NEED to be done" though, do they? In a pandemic, extending one's house is in no way necessary. This country is full of self-important people who think their WANTS are more important than the actual needs and rights (peace, mental health, etc) of those around them.“

Without knowing their personal circumstances, you can’t know. I can imagine various scenarios where a downstairs extension is a need.

DenisetheMenace · 23/01/2021 12:23

Hont1986

“What's the delay on your son getting his own flat“

Unfortunately, flats are often noisier than houses. Is he prepared for that?

LaBellina · 23/01/2021 12:29

I feel for you OP.
These building plans probably contribute to the feeling that we all have at the moment, the sense of complete lack of control over our lives. However, I think they have already planned everything and they certainly wont be cancelling it even if you ask them. I know I wouldn't if I were in their shoes and had arranged everything with the building company etc.

Lets just hope for you and your family that they'll finish everything soon so you'll get your peace back.

Reinventinganna · 23/01/2021 12:29

Maybe when you ask when it’s starting you could mention how much your ds struggles. Obviously it’s up to them what they do with that information but I would hate to think that I had upset someone so would prefer to be made aware.

I really feel for you op

PegasusReturns · 23/01/2021 12:38

This country is full of self-important people who think their WANTS are more important than the actual needs and rights (peace, mental health, etc) of those around them

This is such a clear example of the thinking of people who cannot see beyond the end of their own nose.

What about the mental health of those trying to work from home without adequate space or privacy? Or those juggling desk space for their DC who are now schooling online? How is their need less than that of a neighbours?

HighSpecWhistle · 23/01/2021 12:42

You can ask but I guarantee you they won't delay it for your sake or that of your children. All it will do is make it awkward between you all.

HighSpecWhistle · 23/01/2021 12:45

@DenisetheMenace

FatherTedsBankAccount

My neighbours have only just finished theirs after 6 long, noisy months but these things need to be done I'm afraid.

“They don't "NEED to be done" though, do they? In a pandemic, extending one's house is in no way necessary. This country is full of self-important people who think their WANTS are more important than the actual needs and rights (peace, mental health, etc) of those around them.“

Without knowing their personal circumstances, you can’t know. I can imagine various scenarios where a downstairs extension is a need.

How do you know that?!

We've had an extension done during lock down. We need another bedroom for our new baby. The baby won't wait in the womb unfortunately.

There are lots of reasons why people need to do extensions during lockdown. Maybe they've been holding off for personal reasons and now's the right time. Or maybe it's taken a long time to save.

This pandemic could be going on a lot longer if the vaccine doesn't respond to new variants. People can't always put their lives on hold.