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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and check on DM?

83 replies

JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 15:36

Alcoholic frequently going on binges, history of falling over when drunk and injuring herself sometimes.

I last spoke to her otp yesterday morning (blind drunk) and her mobile has been off ever since. No landline.

This is a regular occurrence, she always turns her phone off when she's on one even though she knows it worries us. Usually I would find a way of getting there to do a welfare check (she's miles away, I don't drive and I have two young children one of which has severe autism) but i just can't be bloody arsed with it anymore.

WIBU to not go and check on her?

OP posts:
LividLoving · 22/01/2021 15:37

I’ve been in a similar position and I certainly wouldn’t judge you for not going.

You have to protect yourself and your family.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/01/2021 15:38

Hopefully she’s fine but it’s not your responsibility either way. It must be awful, sorry OP Flowers

Sirzy · 22/01/2021 15:38

I would only go if your going to be sat worried otherwise

maxineputyourredshoeson · 22/01/2021 15:39

Honestly? I’d have to check. I’ve said similar issues with DM all of my life and as a result have quite bad MH issues including GAD. I would literally worry myself sick with all the ‘what ifs’ if I didn’t. But I certainly understand why you wouldn’t Flowers

yearinyearout · 22/01/2021 15:39

Is there anyone you know who's closer to her that could do a welfare check?

Isababybel · 22/01/2021 15:41

I think you should if only for your own peace of mind. If something happened to her it absolutely would not be your fault but i bet you would blame yourself.
Alternatively is there another relative that can go and check on her?

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 15:41

I was a little concerned this morning but decided to put her out of my mind and get on with my day, my aunt called me at 3.30 to say she hasn't been able to get in touch with her and that has upped my worry a bit.

The last time I went down there in similar circumstances I had a bicycle but now I rely on busses. My partner is in bed (nights) and I need to cook tea.

Its just a fucking hindrance Sad

OP posts:
Sirzy · 22/01/2021 15:42

Can your aunt nip down?

Boopeedoop · 22/01/2021 15:43

Ask her local police force to do a welfare check. Have been in a similar position as you before.

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 15:44

I’ve said similar issues with DM all of my life and as a result have quite bad MH issues including GAD

Yep that's me too. I'm sorry you and others can relate Flowers

My aunt is a similar distance away (from DM's flat) but she's even less likely to go down there.

DM lives in sheltered accommodation for the over 50's (individual flats in a big building) but the residents are entirely independent.

The warden isn't there over the weekend and I don't have contact details for them.

Fucking woman Sad

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 22/01/2021 15:44

Yes - I'd call the local police non emergency line too and ask them to do a welfare check.

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 15:45

@Boopeedoop

Ask her local police force to do a welfare check. Have been in a similar position as you before.
This may be a good idea.

Would they go do you think? I wouldn't want to waste my/their time if they're busy.

We live in London so I'd imagine they're quite pushed.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 22/01/2021 15:46

Is it a council run sheltered accommodation? I wonder if someone there could find the wardens contact details? Or do you know the company?

bitheby · 22/01/2021 15:47

Someone must have the warden's details. Local authority?

MrsWooster · 22/01/2021 15:47

If it’s a sheltered accommodation, the police may well have contact details for the warden etc so if you ask for a welfare check, the police may well not have to actually turn out themselves.

YesMeLady · 22/01/2021 15:48

I would either try and track down the warden or ask the police to check up on her.

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 15:48

I'm on hold to 101 now

OP posts:
Treaclepie19 · 22/01/2021 15:50

I wouldn't. I also have experience of this and I know how much it can affect your mental health and own family life. It's so hard.

YesMeLady · 22/01/2021 15:51

Good for you. Getting the police and warden involved may help her get support if she wants it and get her known to support agencies. If she poses a danger to herself or others by leaving fires on and stuff like that the warden needs to know.

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 16:06

The call handler was lovely, she has asked for a unit to attend the address. I've got a reference number that I can call back and quote for an update if I don't hear back.

The nerves are kicking in now Sad

I (and especially the police) shouldn't have to be dealing with this in the middle of a pandemic, as if there isn't enough going on as it is.

OP posts:
Fuckityfucksake · 22/01/2021 16:07

YANBU

greeneyedlulu · 22/01/2021 16:13

I wouldn't go all that way with 2 kids in tow to check on her especially if I didn't have a car!! You have your own stuff to deal with and to be fair, she is a grown woman! You can't help everyone!

I think you have done the right thing to ask the police to do a welfare check but it does seem crazy to do that! Maybe that will kick her up the arse not to be so stupid next time and switch off her phone knowing full well it will worry you!

SwanShaped · 22/01/2021 16:15

Glad you’re getting a welfare check.

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 16:26

Her turning her phone off is so she isn't held accountable for her shitty behaviour.

I've long since stopped trying to prevent her drinking but do maintain that she needs to be contactable to avoid things like this.

That woman is so beyond selfish it's unreal.

OP posts:
TodgerStrunk · 22/01/2021 16:27

You've done the right thing. I wouldn't take two young children one of which has severe autism on the bus just to check on her. Best case scenario, you've wasted your time and risked your health. Worst case scenario - well I've been there and I wouldn't have wanted my kids to see that.

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