Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and check on DM?

83 replies

JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 15:36

Alcoholic frequently going on binges, history of falling over when drunk and injuring herself sometimes.

I last spoke to her otp yesterday morning (blind drunk) and her mobile has been off ever since. No landline.

This is a regular occurrence, she always turns her phone off when she's on one even though she knows it worries us. Usually I would find a way of getting there to do a welfare check (she's miles away, I don't drive and I have two young children one of which has severe autism) but i just can't be bloody arsed with it anymore.

WIBU to not go and check on her?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 16:30

@TodgerStrunk

You've done the right thing. I wouldn't take two young children one of which has severe autism on the bus just to check on her. Best case scenario, you've wasted your time and risked your health. Worst case scenario - well I've been there and I wouldn't have wanted my kids to see that.
I'm so sorry TodgerStrunk, that is my biggest fear.

God knows how you coped Flowers

OP posts:
M0rT · 22/01/2021 16:33

I'm really glad you held off and requested the welfare check instead of putting yourself and your children through a stressful journey to check on her.
Try to see this as the first time and build on it.
It would do your MH the world of good if you could detach yourself from her a bit.
Hope she's ok.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/01/2021 16:40

I'm glad you didn't go. It's good that she is in a shelter block. At some point mid week, call the warden and ask what their Out of Hours procedure is. They'll have something in place.

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 17:04

Thank you PP's

I really do need to distance myself emotionally for my own sake and that of my DC.

I thought I'd sufficiently done that when I stopped frantically trying to stop her drinking. I started putting myself first and reminding myself that "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it"

Despite that, I don't think I'll ever be able to not worry about her welfare.

If everything is ok, touch wood, I'll make it my mission to get the wardens contact details ready for the next time it happens.

I'll give it until 7 then I'll see if there's any update on the log.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 17:13

The police have called me to get more info, they're on route to her now.

The officer said he's going to let the warden know what's going on (the welfare concern and the fact they're going there) so they do have a line to them thankfully.

Fingers crossed all is ok.

Will update as soon as I know.

OP posts:
Mummapenguin20 · 22/01/2021 17:29

Hope all is ok op x

OhDearShirley · 22/01/2021 17:34

Hope all is ok.
She is responsible for her actions, not you. Please try al anon (for families of alcoholics)

Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 17:39

She's ok, drunk but not so much so that they're concerned for her safety.

She told them she kept her phone off because she ran out of credit Hmm

The police officer said the warden was about as much help as a "chocolate fire guard" so I did the right thing to call them.

I feel terribly guilty for having wasted their time but they were very gracious about it and said I shouldn't hesitate to call again in the future if I have concerns, just incase.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustAboutOverit · 22/01/2021 17:41

I'm in an alanon Facebook group, I posted there a while ago but didn't get any response. I don't think they liked my posting style, i came across a little different to the other alanon members who've been around there a while.

I don't think there are any in-person meetings atm due to covid.

OP posts:
SwanShaped · 22/01/2021 19:19

That’s so annoying that she turned her phone off. A deliberate act to worry you. Hopefully she felt embarrassed enough by the police turning up not to do it again

maxineputyourredshoeson · 22/01/2021 20:40

I’m glad she’s okay OP, as frustrating as if is at least you know and it won’t keep eating away at you.

pointythings · 22/01/2021 21:54

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, OP. I hope you'll be able now to work on distancing yourself a little more and letting other people deal with this. I'm also sorry your Al-Anon FB group is useless and I wonder whether this organisation might work better for you: nacoa.org.uk/

BeBraveAndBeKind · 22/01/2021 22:30

I would try nacoa.org.uk as well. It's the National Association of Children of Alcoholics and does great work. Take care. Flowers

Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 22:33

@JustAboutOverit

I'm in an alanon Facebook group, I posted there a while ago but didn't get any response. I don't think they liked my posting style, i came across a little different to the other alanon members who've been around there a while.

I don't think there are any in-person meetings atm due to covid.

Maybe because you use words like hindrance , fucking woman and that the police and you shouldn't have to deal with this....that might be a clue.
TiddyTid · 22/01/2021 22:37

"No wonder the woman turns her phone off and thinks no one cares - your wording in your posts say it all!!"

What do you mean? The woman is an alcoholic attention seeker, that's why she turns her phone off. OP did the right thing by not enabling but sending the police for a welfare check.

Reinventinganna · 22/01/2021 22:37

You did the right thing @JustAboutOverit
I’ve been in the same position. It’s so hard. Flowers

Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 22:38

@TiddyTid

"No wonder the woman turns her phone off and thinks no one cares - your wording in your posts say it all!!"

What do you mean? The woman is an alcoholic attention seeker, that's why she turns her phone off. OP did the right thing by not enabling but sending the police for a welfare check.

And you know she is an attention seeker, do you?

Alcoholism is an illness . While I understand how damaging it is to OP, she can't write in the way she does then express surprise that an online AA forum didn't like her posts.

Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 22:38

And I'm not saying OP didn't do the right thing.

gettingusedtothelimelight · 22/01/2021 22:40

@Wheresmykimchi

Have you ever been in the same situation? I'm guessing not as believe me when something like this keeps happening you get frustrated initially then you start becoming immune to it. If the person drinking isn't prepared to take responsibility for their actions, and get help to overcome their issues, then why should others?

Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 22:42

[quote gettingusedtothelimelight]@Wheresmykimchi

Have you ever been in the same situation? I'm guessing not as believe me when something like this keeps happening you get frustrated initially then you start becoming immune to it. If the person drinking isn't prepared to take responsibility for their actions, and get help to overcome their issues, then why should others?[/quote]
I didn't say shed done anything wrong.

I was referring to her post about aa not liking her tone. It's hardly a bloody surprise.

Again, alcoholism is an illness. It's not about not being prepared.

Passthebubbly · 22/01/2021 22:42

I feel so bloody sorry for you. What a horrible situation to be in

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2021 22:43

Your clearly pissed off and venting if you didn't care you really would have left her to rot

I agree you probably need to distance yourself for your mental health

gettingusedtothelimelight · 22/01/2021 22:49

@Wheresmykimchi Sorry I misunderstood. I thought you were talking about the original post - not the alanon one. It's a touchy subject close to my heart - and I've reached the can't be arsed stage now 😬

Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 22:51

[quote gettingusedtothelimelight]@Wheresmykimchi Sorry I misunderstood. I thought you were talking about the original post - not the alanon one. It's a touchy subject close to my heart - and I've reached the can't be arsed stage now 😬[/quote]
I could have worded it better and I understand for those who live it it's unspeakable , but I read all OPs posts in one go and the way she spoke about her mother combine with the 'they didn't like my posting style' was the reaction I gave.

Sorry to hear that x