To not go and check on DM?

[JustAboutOverit]

Alcoholic frequently going on binges, history of falling over when drunk and injuring herself sometimes.

I last spoke to her otp yesterday morning (blind drunk) and her mobile has been off ever since. No landline.

This is a regular occurrence, she always turns her phone off when she's on one even though she knows it worries us. Usually I would find a way of getting there to do a welfare check (she's miles away, I don't drive and I have two young children one of which has severe autism) but i just can't be bloody arsed with it anymore.

WIBU to not go and check on her?

OP, you really need to contact NACOA. Then you need to back off as much as your conscience lets me. This is her circus, her monkeys. You owe her nothing and you have your own life to live. Put yourself and your family first. Self preservation is everything. If you have a little capacity to spare, fine if you use it to support her. Equally fine if you choose not to. Detaching is the best thing you can do right now.

With my mother, my Dsis and I both live in the UK, she was in the Netherlands (we're from there). So there was little we could do except at a distance. We kept in touch with care services (she gave permission for this), signed for her to have financial management take over her affairs because she could not do it and we arranged towards the end to have her assessed under the Dutch version of the MH act, because she was suffering full blown alcohol-related dementia by then. She died 3 days before the assessment, from a fall down the stairs. All tragic, all preventable. And by the time it happened, my Dsis and I had already done our grieving for her, because we lost her a long time ago.

All that sounds callous, but it kept us sane. You need to take care of yourself first, her last.

@pointythings yes, as it goes.

But im not about to play top trumps, after your post.

And @Timeforabiscuit I didn't say anything like that , I wasn't capitalising on anything.

@BeBraveAndBeKind

You've never had an addict in your life, have you, kimchi? You would not say something so crassly insensitive if you did. OP's words come from years of dashed hopes and despair, being let down by manipulative promises and lies, ground down by endless selfishness and self pity. That is what life with an addict is like. You can feel sorry for them and feel rage and frustration at the same time and OP is allowed to express that.

This. If you've not lived it, you will never truly understand. To have gone through years of being manipulated, never knowing if you're going to get the nice, reasonable person you care for or the angry, abusive one before they speak. To be living in poverty because they've drunk all the bill money and nothing you can do will help. You can't change anything for that person until they're ready to change. Or, as in our case, you watch that person drink and drink and ignore doctors' warnings that if they don't stop, they'll die. And even as you're watching them slip away in the ICU you're still telling yourself that they could change.

Whatever I have or haven't sai, @BeBraveAndBeKind and @JustAboutOverit, these recent posts are breathtaking and I am so sorry you live like this.

I'm in similar situation. My relative isn't an alcoholic as such but they have self harmed for years and at the moment that usually takes the form of taking too much alcohol / tablets / both.

I have found them unconscious on the door before. They have also had their door forced open by police because they were unconscious.

Depending on how well they are handling their MH issues I go through times where every time I hear the phone ring I expect it's bad news. My mum calls me and asks me to check on them when she cannot get hold of them. They are usually in a state and ignoring their phone. My dd's have picked up on it and I worry it's affecting them. They have been pretty much discharged by MH services for non compliance so I see an endless life of this ahead until they take it too far and don't call the ambulances in time (which they usually do every time they overdose)

Sorry for your troubles with her OP.
A massive fucking hindrance is exactly the way of describe my mum's behaviour too.
Alcoholism is a disease sure, but addicts are the most selfish, chaotic, untrustworthy people and loving one is a massive fucking hindrance.
I'm sure I must sound horrid when I speak about my mum, she recently developed an alcohol related heart condition and honestly I barely give a shit. I love her but I've got numbness towards her too.
A lot of police officers and emergency workers tend to come from chaotic backgrounds, so they do understand your position I'm sure

Yes the black eyes/ cuts from fall very familiar.....although bizarrely she broke her hip in a fall when sober...
She's been offered all sorts of support and went through a chemical detox after one hospital admission....loads of support but she has no ownership or recognition of how she impacts anyone else...
I'm amazed she's still going/not ser house on fire....but won't discuss poa or moving to any sort of supprted accommodation so lives in a big house...shouting abuse at people on the phone....

Detach detach detach....dh did get some support from al anon but was a face to face group....and he gets less upset but still stressful...but less than before...
We don't make arrangements with her...haven't seen her since last Feb as she won't social distance and dh cv....

Thank you so much for the supportive and kind comments, this thread has been bitter sweet for me. I'm extremely grateful to know I'm not alone and that people understand, but I hate that you all have to endure (or have endured) the same or similar at the hands of your loved ones.

It feels like I'm living in purgatory half of the time, I appreciate that might sound a bit dramatic.

I'm determined to work more on 'detatching with love'

I felt I'd made some good progress as I no longer tie myself in knots trying to police her drinking, but being able to stop myself worrying about her safety is something I'm struggling with. Old habits die hard. Over time it has become my default setting.

I would love to reach the stage of acceptance whereby I'm indifferent for the sake of my sanity.

I think there is definitely some codependence, both me and my aunt. We both cushion her fall and pick up the pieces so she's never left to feel the consequences of her actions. If she spends all of her money on booze she knows she can go to my aunt's and she'll feed her / buy her tobacco.

I draw the line at giving her money but I do often cook for her. If she needs anything from the chemist/supermarket/gas/electric and has no money she knows I'd sooner buy it myself than leave her without.

I also realise that the above is only serving to enable her and she needs to reach rock bottom if she is to ever see the light.

I'm going to give her a wide birth for a week or two and concentrate on my children.

OP.

I found it much harder to detach from my mother than from my husband. But it was 100% the right thing to do. I hope you will find the NACOA website and boards useful and more supportive than your FB group. I'm really disappointed that they've been so cliquey - I'm still part of a group for relatives of addicts (whether drink or other) and our group is so warm and welcoming and open to new people that it's hard to imagine a group being otherwise.