Had enough of my family. I've gone on strike!

[Glastonbury2020]

Locked down with DH and 4 teenagers. Apart from me, no one:

• cooks any proper meals
• loads/ unloads the dishwasher
• puts a wash on
• wipes kitchen surfaces/ cooker top
• sweeps the floor
• cleans the bathroom
• makes lunch

I have had enough and I'm not doing it all anymore. Last night, I made myself a fish finger sandwich for dinner and ate it in my room. Ignored everyone when they wanted to know what was for dinner. This morning, I made breakfast for me and I'm now sitting in bed drinking tea. Rant over. Thank you for listening!

YABU but the likely outcome is that 1 of them will step up and the other 3 lazy soda will take advantage. I know I’m my house dd would end up as a house elf if I didn’t make the others do their share. By all means take a stand but don’t expect it to be a quick fix. Ime it’s nearly as much effort (and often more) to teach dc good house management skills.
Think of this as the sharp kick up the backside they all need, but it’s only the start.

@tinselearedcow

Who voted YABU?!

The dh or dc? 🤔

Your post reminds me of a book I've read called 'Mums on strike', it was great, you might enjoy it 😁

“The silent treatment” is psychological abuse. Can you not talk to your family like an adult about how you feel instead of the passive aggressive tantrum?

@RoosterTheRoost

“The silent treatment” is psychological abuse. Can you not talk to your family like an adult about how you feel instead of the passive aggressive tantrum?

Are you serious? Fhs - speaking as someone who has gone on strike - you can ask nicely, ask nicely again, ask more strongly, and again, then shout a bit and still get ignored.

The "abuse" if you are going to call it that, is the other way around, when people take advantage of the person doing all the hard work and don't contribute.

Unless it is your job to clean up their mess and cook them food, you're not on strike.

@RoosterTheRoost

“The silent treatment” is psychological abuse. Can you not talk to your family like an adult about how you feel instead of the passive aggressive tantrum?

What like that never occurred to the OP?! Ok they probably didn't hear but that's not her fault

“The silent treatment” is psychological abuse. Can you not talk to your family like an adult about how you feel instead of the passive aggressive tantrum?

Really? It's not silent treatment nor is it passive aggressive. It is letting her actions speak for her. They haven't tried to open negotiations yet over who does what, when they do I'm sure she will talk to them. You can have little clue what psychological abuse looks like if you imagine this is it.

Go for it OP!

Last year. I just stopped emptying the bins. They were overflowing, my husband commented on it, i oh really and walk on.

Havent emptied a bin in 12 months

Then i just stopped picking up finished loo roll inserts, we got to 29 on the bathroom floor before he took the hint

If dishes are put on top of the dishwasher, i dont put them in. The same when the dishwasher is unloaded and certain things are dumped on the table, i no longer put them away.

We to point recently where there wasnt enough room to have dinner on the table

He eventually cops on, i have calm explained no one notices what i do until I stop

When life is normal, who does these things? Are you a SAHP or do you work? How was the household organised at weekends?

How have the family responded to your -sulk- strike? Are they begging to know what's wrong, or just grabbing snacks from the kitchen and watching tv?

Have they noticed

i have calm explained no one notices what i do until I stop

That's exactly it ElisabethDraper. It's so infuriating. All the chores I did day in, day out, was simply not noticed or acknowledged until I stopped doing it. Especially all the little "add on extras" likenp quickly tidying the kitchen surfaces while the kettle is boiling, constantly tidying up coats and putting shoes away, and tech cables ... and recycling junk mail. ...and replenishing loo roll and fresh hand towels and a million more things. It adds up to quite a lot if you are doing it all by yourself.

@Hampotsandonions

I have 3 young people. 14, 11 and 8 and they all have to keep their own rooms tidy, put dirty washing in basket and clean away otherwise no screen time.

Mine were happy to help at this age too Timeontimeoff we had a rota and they all stuck to it. Maybe it will be different in your house (I genuinely hope so) and by the sound of it your DH is more supportive of the system - I think it is key that both parents are on board - but I didn't find teens to be particularly compliant after age of fifteen or so, but according to my friends, some of them do apparently get more helpful again in their early twenties.

I'm a single parent. I have older children and they went through a phase of doing little but the internet off switch is a funny thing. You want something enough and you do what is required to get it - ie pull your weight. I think they understand that since I work they need to help out and are perfectly capable of doing do. My oldest now has his own place - started saving from young his pocket money and recently bought with his partner. He says he is glad I didn't let him lay around doing nothing like some of his friends and appreciates why everyone had to 'muck in' now.
I don't have time to be a martyr and just moaning without resolving the problem has never been my way. I really do struggle to see why people just moan but don't do anything that will change the situation. Glad the OP has gone on strike and hopefully sticks to it and then draws up a rota/plan of action for the future. Nobody really benefits when some are allowed to do nothing.

@LonelyBlueBauble totally agreed and I read a book 'The opposite of spoiled' which backs this up, do not pay for chores they are part of life!

My 6 year old asked if she could have pocket money for doing something. I asked how much she was planning to give me for making the dinner. Message got through.

If dishes are put on top of the dishwasher, i dont put them in.

I've started doing this. DH tends to put things in the sink, then load the dishwasher at intervals through the day. So every time i came into the kitchen eg to make a cup of tea, I would transfer everything. And it was irritating me. And I realised that unless I'm actually IN the kitchen, does it matter whether or not stuff is left until DH decides to load it (because in his defence, he DOES do it eventually)? So now I just put my stuff in....

.... DH then basically told me he's having to do more cleaning and it's my fault. It turns out, he's NOTICED that he's having to load the dishwasher more, but he genuinely, 100% believes it's ME leaving stuff in the sink!? I pointed to a neatly stacked pile of plates and bowls (classic DH - spend 5 minutes stacking instead of 5 minutes putting straight into dishwasher) pushed right up against the back of the counter. This is relevant, because, according to him, that pile of plates were DD bringing them into the kitchen and dumping them.... she's 5 and can just about reach the counter to put her cereal bowl on it! But he seriously thinks his argument that she stacked 3 plates and a bowl then pushed them to the back is a valid argument!?

13 year olds can absolutely do their own washing.

However, I would say that in a busy house they need to be given clear instructions about when to do their washing, otherwise you might find that you can't access the machine when you need it.

Timeontimeoff I must admit I haven't resorted to switching off the internet, largely because I don't know how! (Not in UK, complicated by system.) I didn't moan though, I just stopped doing things like the op and effectively went on strike, which did work reasonably well.

I agree very much that DC should be prepared for independent life. One problem I have had though is that my DH is the messiest if all of us and so if he's not in board, it's a little undermining. I'm not trying to make excuses but if I totally ran my own ship (although I am sure that has huge challenges too) I think I would have been able to be much more single minded and direct about this. As it is the DC say, what about dad's office, clutter, mess everywhere?

I only make dinner now for everyone, they help themselves to breakfast and lunch. I do ask what they want from the supermarket so they can prep their lunch. Dishwasher rota too.

You def need to create a rota. We had a rota when I was a teenager. From 13 I had to cook an evening meal for the whole family once a week, do the ironing for the entire family and make all the pack lunches. My brother cooked a meal, mowed the lawn, washed up ... my sister had her chores. A family is a team. My dad cooked at least once a week too (even though he could only do sausages, mash and beans!) I’m planning on having a similar system. Don’t let them grow up thinking that these jobs are yours.

Oh this thread started off so promisingly with fun, supportive posts but by page two was derailed by the judgemental spoilt sports. What a shame.

Clue: if a poster created a thread saying she's having a hard time, she doesn't want to hear how much better you manage your life. That is the opposite of helpful, and it's also very boring to read.

Yes op, how bloody dare you politely sit down and ask them to help op, over and over again getting absolutely nowhere - blank silent baleful looks all round - is that psychological abuse as well rooster? Shall we label teens that won't talk with similar abuse labels? They seem to spring into life on Fortnite, but become mute thereafter?

Or do you just save abuse labels for mothers, the same ones that are expected to do all of the housework without complaint? In fact mothers are now not even allowed to stay silent on the issue, they must vocally enjoy being left to clear up the shit of six abled people or be labelled abusive?

Are you for real?

I would consider there is a case for slave labour actually, certainly a breach of moral code in op's house, so what shall we do about that exactly?

Why did you let it drag on so long liked this? There's no excuse for your teens not to be cooking one meal each per week, and your h, and sharing the chores. Sit down together, make a list, decide on a rota - and make them stick to it. Job's a good 'un.

If they don't stick to it, there have to be consequences. You wash your own clothes, you cook for yourself, you don't do anything for anyone else. Looks like your dc have inherited the lazy gene from your h!

Good luck.

I don't blame you for going on strike, but how has it got this far?
DH takes turns with cooking, although he will, in fairness, do his best to weasel out of it if he can (he can't, mostly).
He also takes turns with doing the washing up - but does manage to weasel out of that to the tune of it being probably a 3:1 ratio of me doing it, to him.
Both DSs do the dishwasher. Even if I am alone in the house with nothing else to do, it is left for them to do because it is Their Job.
DS1 also empties the bins and puts them out.
Haven't managed to train any of them into cleaning the bathroom or sweeping the floors yet, and wiping the surfaces also remains a mystery to all of them - but they're a work in progress - DS1 is 13, DS2 is 8 so I have hope!
Laundry is My Province. I'm not having it fucked up by carelessness. However, I have shown both boys how to sort washing, and how the machine works - and they help with hanging it up and putting it away. DH has to put his own clean laundry away so he can never ask "where are my socks?" because I don't actually know

Curious now about the location of the secret sock stash :)

Who voted YABU?

I did because I cannot fathom how people let things get this far. How willing so many women are to accept that they should cook, clean, wash and slave for other people by virtue only of their sex.

Do you imagine that male dominated forums are full of 4/5 page long threads about how they manage the housework, and the rotas they put together. Nope.