Had enough of my family. I've gone on strike!

[Glastonbury2020]

Locked down with DH and 4 teenagers. Apart from me, no one:

• cooks any proper meals
• loads/ unloads the dishwasher
• puts a wash on
• wipes kitchen surfaces/ cooker top
• sweeps the floor
• cleans the bathroom
• makes lunch

I have had enough and I'm not doing it all anymore. Last night, I made myself a fish finger sandwich for dinner and ate it in my room. Ignored everyone when they wanted to know what was for dinner. This morning, I made breakfast for me and I'm now sitting in bed drinking tea. Rant over. Thank you for listening!

I think you really need to negotiate long term changes.
I always make it very clear right from the beginning that I don't cook or do other peoples ironing.
I hate cooking and I'm not spending long hours of my life doing something I hate.
My son learnt how to cook and do his own ironing very early on and had to prepare his own dinner as I was at work when he got home (as a teenager obviously).
It didn't do him any harm at all. Men and teenage children will treat you like a skivvy if they are allowed to do so.

@Thankyounot what did he cook that couldn’t be kept and reheated when you woke from your nap?

I’d just go ahead and not cook for him at all. Tell him you thought he was having a nap. Every single time.

Where are these selfish, useless and unkind men crawling out of, I cannot imagine DH cooking for himself only. That’s just so selfish and shows such contempt and disregard for your wife. Even worse when said wife is pregnant.

Good for you OP.

@Lovely1a2b3c

Why can't your DH help with lots of this stuff? everyone seems to focus on the teens? yes, they can definitely help too but if they're under 18/16 then the majority should surely fall on your DH.

@Lovely1a2b3c

When people talk of DH 'helping', it perpetuates the notion that the work is OP's responsibility and she should be grateful for offers of help

Haven't read the full thread but loving your updates OP! Well done. Please keep us posted. I'm really rooting for you!

Do you know which of them is doing it? I'd be worried that one is feeling guilty and picking up all the chores you usually do, while the rest are ignoring it.

Your DH especially is the one who needs to be stepping-up and not just leaving it for the kids to sort out.

Yeah. I totally get why you gave up and have landed in this knot but I don't know how you can fix it now.

Let’s hope your the eldest daughter doesn’t end up doing all the chores.

I don't think it's just this generation - my brother was just the same! My sister moved out when she was 18 so not quite the same, but my brother didn't, and then moved his GF in too, who was just as bad! Apart from the laundry - they would do their own laundry, but of course no one else's.

My boys whinge all the time about the chores they're made to do - but then so does the husband whinge about the washing up! Really fucking helpful, thanks husband

I keep telling them all that it's beneficial for them to learn this stuff - especially the boys, if they want to have decent relationships in the future - but they still whinge.

Loving this thread OP!

Are the chips still there?!

I have a teenager who is driving me nuts too, she's working a lot so can't give her too much of a hard time really, but it is rather irritating when they come down with washing up & just leave it like the faeries are going to do it!! last time I said 'x you left your washing up, needs doing' DD 'oh ok', me 'now'.
DD hates confrontation so did it right away

We've had that since the beginning of lockdown, even though I'm cooking most of the meals - or buying the ready ones from the butcher, they have some bloody lovely Italian meatballs and chilli chicken, especially when I'm very busy. DH cooks too, with DD (they made a lovely pizza on Friday, all from scratch) and the dishwasher is emptied by whoever comes first. DD is great for cleaning the floor and cleaning the kitchen.
It's a result of me exploding over a question: what's for dinner some time in March, where I explained to my dear family, that just because I don't have a special room to hole up in (DH has been working from home for years, unlike me, so he had got his own ages ago), I'm not available for cooking, chit chat, cleaning, questions about what's for dinner and why there's no toilet paper (unless you can say you never shit, you can buy the toilet paper too).
So now we share, which is lovely and DD helps out too (not that she doesn't need a not so gentle kick up the butt from time to time but she's a teenager and not a home slave so resistance is expected).
OP, go for it, persistence is important!

My kids have left home now & have their own flats . Only the other day my son was saying he was so glad I taught him how to cook & every Friday after school he & his sister helped me clean our house from top to bottom & changed the beds. He saiid he is sick of his girlfriends coming for dinner which he has cooked & then just leaving the plate on the side & not offering to help clear up . Too many parents let their kids off helping . You are not doing them any favours . Rota , comes to mind or as I did back in the day, get together on a set day & do all the cleaning jobs between you & share the cooking once you have showed them how . Good luck & enjoy your time off

@tinselearedcow maybe OPs DH and DTeens have found their way on here!!!!

Love your stance, op, and your relaxed attitude about it. I don’t sense passive aggression at all. Just a woman who has taken her own calm action against being expected to do everything for everyone else, knowing it will prompt realisation and discussion and changes will then be made.

In the meantime you get to enjoy some well-deserved self care. Brilliant!

@KatherineOfAragon

I understand this. My DH is washing up at the moment because apparently the dishwasher isn't getting things clean enough. No, honey, because I asked you to clean the filter and top up the salt and rinse aid two weeks ago and you didn't. I flat out said I wasn't washing up. He is doing it. So far, it's taken him two and half hours. I've roasted a chicken and done jacket potatoes and put a wash on and bathed DS in that time. He's merrily watching a film and washing up at a snail's pace.

Tomorrow, I'm staying in bed. I mean it. DH can get up, walk the dog with DS5, see to all three DC and set the older two doing their schoolwork and help the youngest with the work he's been set by his reception teacher. He can sort breakfast for DS5 and himself, he can sort the laundry, sweep and mop, straighten up, help DS5 dress and do his PE tasks with him. He can get lunch done, get everything sorted for dinner (we have a menu system that he and the DC choose meals from) and he can sort DS5 for bed. He can do everything I would normally do. I'm sure that by 10am he will be asking me how to/why/what/when and where. Bollocks. Sort it out yourself. He thinks that twiddling a screwdriver when required and walking the dog once a day is enough. It isn't

Good luck - do you think he will do all that? I hope you're right but I have my doubts!

Keep going, soon they all need clean clothes, & the fridge will be empty.....

Before Covid, DSS and girlfriend ordered a pizza for lunch when my DH was wfh one day, without checking if he wanted some too and he was really annoyed. Went on about it to me for ages. But never took it up with his DS.

His DS still can’t be arsed to stay in contact with his DF now he’s locked down in student accommodation at Uni.

OP - I really understand how fed up you are about this and your strike is fully warranted. But if you don’t want them to copy you ‘only me’ approach, they will behave like me DSS. So please spell out to your family what changes you want to see. They won’t really do anything if you don’t tell them explicitly. Good opportunity to demonstrate that EVERYONE (males and females) has to help equally run a house once they get a bit older.

I have started doing same as you. Im single mum who works full time from home also running 2 business on side have ms and 2 lazy selfish teenagers.
They used to pull their weight with chores until gcse then claimed they had too much schoolwork.
I have just come out off a bad relapse where i have been paralysed down one side and bedridden. I lay in bed all day and not one came near me to check if i needed food or if ok. Tried shouting out but they permanently have earphones in or thats their excuse.
I just feel so sad and disgusted that they turned out to be so lacking in empathy
I now just look after myself cooking washing ironing etc and considering they never come out of their rooms its like i live alone anyway but still feel mum guilt.
My dream is to retire early sell house and move to spain where heat helps my symptoms but i think i am a horrible mum for even thinking that .
So i feel your pain but you are doing fab. Stay strong and hold your own xxx

DREAMING OF DALYAN ( I love Dalyan!
Hold onto your dream. Plan for it and make it happen. Dont spend the rest of your time being a slave who noone in the house even notices! Im planning on doing the same!

How are you getting on OP?

We had a productive weekend and everyone did something. However, got home from work tonight and the place is a tip again- kitchen, lounge, dining room and no dinner made, despite a weekend 'chat'. I have ignored it and am drinking tea in my room (which is super calm and tidy). DH will be coming home to the same in an hour as I'm not touching it!

Nice update. The family are probably still hoping you will weaken. Don't!

Stay strong OP. Do not crack.