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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had enough of my family. I've gone on strike!

399 replies

Glastonbury2020 · 22/01/2021 09:27

Locked down with DH and 4 teenagers. Apart from me, no one:

  • cooks any proper meals
  • loads/ unloads the dishwasher
  • puts a wash on
  • wipes kitchen surfaces/ cooker top
  • sweeps the floor
  • cleans the bathroom
  • makes lunch
I have had enough and I'm not doing it all anymore. Last night, I made myself a fish finger sandwich for dinner and ate it in my room. Ignored everyone when they wanted to know what was for dinner. This morning, I made breakfast for me and I'm now sitting in bed drinking tea. Rant over. Thank you for listening!
OP posts:
Joysutty · 23/01/2021 17:46

My 2 now left home. Can you organise a family meeting to discuss these issues then. Then do a Rota for who will wash who will wipe the pots, clean, Hoover etc. Then everyone has their own job to do. Put copy of the Rota in kitchen and everyone's bedroom.

sadie9 · 23/01/2021 17:47

It's your job to teach your kids how to behave like grown ups.
Can you see that it is yourself and DH that have allowed this situation to develop.
You prefer to do it yourself rather than ask.
We all know kids need to be asked several times to do things, but if you avoid asking them they won't see it as their role to do it.
You have to work towards normalising them to be doing chores on a rota basis. Yes it can take years.
You and your DH have to help them form habits such as taking turns to empty dishwasher, bringing clothes to the washing machine, changing their own sheets, making their own lunches.
There's no point in you doing everything yourself, then whinging when no one does anything because they haven't 'noticed' or picked up hints, snidey comments, loud sighs, arsey faces etc.
Does your DH do feck all then as well?
At least they'll know how to huff, sulk and use emotional blackmail.

MonsterKidz · 23/01/2021 17:47

Stay strong OP! They will be more than capable for fending for themselves and you deserve to be looked after too. Everyone does. It’s lovely doing things for people and looking after the ones we love, but it goes both ways! They will never learn if you don’t allow them to be more independent and this is the perfect opportunity. Change can and will happen.

Enko · 23/01/2021 17:49

@2me2u2u2me

We have done regular set chores when they were younger and a weekly round of chores for everyone to do from lockdown..

So from about age 13 1 day you cooked dinner from age 8-9 1 day you tidied the kitchen/dishwasher (obviously with adult help at that point)

When Lockdown hit I set up a rota for 6 of us (youngest 16 at the time) Monday - Sunday and each day you have 1 chore it changed daily.. As dh struggled with some due to working from home (like walking the dog) we tweaked a bit and ds walked the dog twice but didn't dodishwasher ever (emptying) and I ironed 2 days in a row but didn't do washing (dh did that both days as could do that with working from home but ironing was tighter)

In august dd3 went to Denmark for a year and DD2 and ds to uni so dh dd1 and I merged some of the choresand now its more of a everyone pitches in but every now and then we have a day of everyone does 1 room to get up to speed.

With DS being back for this lockdown we have gone back to some chores daily but not all. The dishwasher is dhs job but the kids and I share the cooking these days everyone does their own laundry and everyone helps with tidying the kitchen after dinner we no longer have a kitchen day.

If we were to go back to 6 people I would revert to specific chores a day

Original poster
Glastonbury2020 · 23/01/2021 17:51

I'm not ready to discuss it yet. I'm waiting for someone else to initiate the conversation.
They have just ordered a curry, so another no cook dinner sorted. There is a pork joint in the fridge that goes out of date on Mon so waiting to see what will happen to that tomorrow.
The empty biscuit packet is still on the side! 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
Glastonbury2020 · 23/01/2021 17:52

Although lunch dishes are still in the sink....Angry

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/01/2021 17:55

I quite like the way you have taken a step back and let the penny drop. because as you say, you've talked to them all about it and they don't listen now that they have the message, they will be more receptive to listening to you and you can have a real discussion with them.

SunshineCake · 23/01/2021 17:55

We have tried all sorts here. I have a dh, two sons and a daughter. My eldest has lived away for uni but everyone is home atm. Eldest child is very helpful and will cook when I ask him to and does anything I ask plus does empty and load the dishwasher without being asked. Youngest child also helpful, does more than anyone when asked. Might Emory dishwasher without being asked. Middle child is a PITA. Does the least, does stuff when asked but will moan more.

We tried money per job, money per week but job expectation, no jobs no money. Not sure anything worked satisfactory tbh.

I've changed my mindset and while I might not get as much chipping in as I would like I'm a lot less stressed.

Joysutty · 23/01/2021 18:04

Afraid it needs discussing now. Don't leave any longer. Put the coffee pot on , turn the TV off, and you be the BOSS. Take control of your life and theirs.

My husband once removed the plugs from their various devices including the TV until my 2 teenagers sat up and listened. So funny now looking back on that.

5amcrew · 23/01/2021 18:04

Yes OP, good on you! Looking forward to seeing how this all works out.

clarehhh · 23/01/2021 18:08

Great idea, I have almost the opposite with bored husband taking on 90% of tasks. I haven’t unloaded dishwasher for weeks, he is constantly ironing, clearing kitchen sides etc. I do however still do the washing. Get teens to do their bit, withhold pocket money until suitable amount of help freely given.

Arobase · 23/01/2021 18:10

I think it is about time to sit down with a large piece of paper headed "Rota" and say that, now that they have all discovered where the kitchen and its contents are, it's time to make a rota which will be stuck to. Say you're perfectly happy to organise it to fit with people's commitments, but they will each be doing their fair share, if they don't you won't be filling the gaps, and anyone who doesn't do his or her share is going to get left out of the next day's meals. Also tell them that each of them is going to be responsible for their own washing from now on.

TenThousandSteps · 23/01/2021 18:13

Well done you! We are in situation with five of us here, me, DH and then DC aged 24, 20 and 17. DD 24 is a key worker so is out of the house weekdays. Other two are at home, one working on a Uni Industrial placement position from his bedroom and DD2 is A level student having to study from home, so house is busy and full. However, I have always had a rule that only one meal a day would be cooked: breakfast and lunch is up to the individual and they have to clear up. Plus they have to cook evening meals occasionally. We have always had a Sunday housework hour when all five of us clean the downstairs plus bathroom so that keeps on top of things. Then other bits are done during the week. I was dreading them all being at home as we had got used to a quieter life with just the youngest, but I have to say they have all been great, but that is because standards were set years ago. If they think you are their servant they will treat you as one. Keep going - am sure they want you back!

LILLYPRINT · 23/01/2021 18:13

Well done you. Let the see just how much you do for them and how they take you for granted. Stick to your guns. Let them see you are a mom, not a maid

harknesswitch · 23/01/2021 18:16

Good for you op, sometimes these actions have to be taken, especially if you've spoken to them about it multiple times.

Once they've got the gist of it I'd write out a rota of who does what on which days.

HellonHeels · 23/01/2021 18:17

Enioy the curry! Don't forget to get up from the table and leave all your dirty dishes there.

And don't push your chair back in, it need to be left out to get in everyone's way.

TonTonMacoute · 23/01/2021 18:18

It's just me and DH (DS back at uni) but I totally get where you are coming from OP! I had to point out that I was doing everything, while DH sat looking at his iPad or went off cycling, and I felt like a fucking servant.

I do think you need to have the conversation, maybe on Monday! Compile a list of tasks - daily, weekly, one off - and assign them to members of the family. There will probably be a period of nagging required, but it does get better.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/01/2021 18:18

Good for you OP

Babysharkdoodoodood · 23/01/2021 18:21

@HellonHeels

Enioy the curry! Don't forget to get up from the table and leave all your dirty dishes there.

And don't push your chair back in, it need to be left out to get in everyone's way.

OMG! The fucking chairs. Every bloody day. In front of the curtains so I have to shift them to open or close.

So I've been leaving it darkGrin

fullofhope100 · 23/01/2021 18:21

Sorry - I clicked on YABU for asking this question in the first place.
Of course you're not BU for leaving you family to their own devices.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 23/01/2021 18:26

There is a chapter of Little Women where Marmee and Hannah do exactly this as a lesson for the girls Grin

DENGREEN · 23/01/2021 18:27

Teenagers can be a giant PITA! But sounds like hubby needs training up tbh. Good luck 😉

hippicat · 23/01/2021 18:34

I am so with you!! I too lost the plot last night! Sometimes I think they need to realize that we too are human!! They seem to forget!!

fullofhope100 · 23/01/2021 18:36

Also, probably best to have a conversation asap. As opposed to waiting.
And say you are going to withhold any allowances/pocket money until they sodding well contribute to chores.
Be strong OP. xx

oakleaffy · 23/01/2021 18:37

@clarehhh

Great idea, I have almost the opposite with bored husband taking on 90% of tasks. I haven’t unloaded dishwasher for weeks, he is constantly ironing, clearing kitchen sides etc. I do however still do the washing. Get teens to do their bit, withhold pocket money until suitable amount of help freely given.
He sounds a gem!

My friend's husband is like this... A wonderful man.