I already know I am, but it’s hurting me a lot

[Cash02]

Bit of back story, I have one sibling, a sister, she’s always been slim, a bit of picky eater.
Me on the other hand, on the bigger side, always up for a meal and apparently crawled after a steak at 5months old.
I was never more than a little chubby until I hit puberty, weirdly early, at 9 years old, I started gaining. Later to find out I had PCOS, and went on to develop and eating disorder.

She’s a very competitive and snarky sister but at 22 years old you’d think she would’ve lightened up a bit. She’s always made comments about my weight, what I’m eating etc. I can’t eat a thing without her giving me a nasty look.

However in 2019 I lost a lot of weight, about 4 stone, she hated this, always made a point to eat less than me and state how small she is.

But I had a baby last year, and have put on almost 2 stone, it’s obviously upset me, but she’s absolutely loving it.
Just 10 minutes ago, I was cooking my dinner, she comes into the kitchen and says ‘oh I wish I could have dinner but I had some pizza for Lunch, wouldn’t want to get fat.’
I said ‘you won’t get a medal for not eating, just have some dinner,’
She replies with ‘my reward will be not being fat,’ with a snarky look on her face.
Am I being sensitive? Or should I say something? I’ve never said anything once, I don’t like talking about my weight so if she brings it up I just ignore her and pretend I didn’t hear.

It may sound a bit trivial but this isn’t the only thing she does, but it would take forever to go into detail.

If it’s within your control, I would throw her out of DGM’s house ASAP (DGM doesn’t need to know the details or that she left on bad terms). It’s not your responsibility to house that little bitch.

YANBU I have a sister like this. my twin. All my life she bullied me. weight was the major issue. I was 8st and a size 8 until I met my DH and had DC. Still at that size, I was called fat and mocked. similar snarky comments. DTwin is a narc, I realise that now that food was the only thing she could control.
After I had DC it was all fat comments, she even had my dad saying it. My parents like yours were conditioned to agree with her. Does she treat your DC well?
I finally went NC when she started treating my kids badly-ignoring birthday and making snarky comments at my lovely innocent kids. I recommend NC.
If you don't want to go NC, at the very least stand up for yourself.
She's jealous of you and trying to make herself feel better about her own shitty life by bringing you down with her snarky comments.
Just because she's your sister doesn't mean she's allowed to treat you nastily.

I could have written this myself growing up OP . I love my sister but she was awful to me growing up - she is naturally very slim and even though I ate considerably less than her I put on weight from an early age.

But actually my sister is very very self conscious of being so skinny and hates it and would love to be more curvy so her defence mechanism is trying to project her insecurities on other people.

You will probably find it’s similar with your sister and you will end up pitying her one day.

Smart replies might be tempting but I can tell you that nothing will annoy her more than you not responding.

Her: Oh I couldn’t eat a thing, I had a quaver at lunchtime.
You: Oh, ok.
Or. : right. Can you pass me the salt/ look in on Granny/ hold the baby?

Just ignore. She’s looking to get a rise out of you.

Ugh she sounds smug as heck.
Being competitive over weight is so shallow
Be a healthy weight.. and tell her not to be such a silly billy.

Please don't call your sister an ugly bitch. Name calling will make you as bad as her. Set out your boundaries calmly, clearly and kindly. "I love you but it really hurts me when you comment on my weight. We both seem to have issues around food and our self-image and I'm happy to sit and talk about it with you because I want things to be good between us. But I can't accept any more snarky comments so I'm asking now to stop. If you feel like you can't do that then we won't be able to spend time together anymore". There is no point in perpetuating some kind of enemy image of her and escalating the conflict.

Your sister has an eating disorder, I’m guessing your upbringing has had an effect here somehow.

Doesn’t excuse her being a cow though.

Totally agree with those who have said no response / no reaction is the best way. She's using your reaction to make herself feel better. Just do your best (and I know it's hard!) to ignore it.
I have the same but with a different issue - I'm made to feel bad/ a crap parent for working. Like I don't care for my kids or I'm less than my sibling. I know it's their own insecurities. It's so so hard but I just do my best not to rise to it and change the subject. Annoys the hell out of them!

She is not a nice person and its time you call her out on her horrible attitude.

'Leslie I notice you always remark on (my weight) and it makes me feel comfortable. How would you feel if I remarked on (something she is sensitive about - theres got to be something) all the time'

Sounds like me and my sister. Yrs of abuse over what I ate. She could eat twice as much as me and no weight gain whereas I only had to look at a cake. She has not changed except..... she got as big as me (I'm not huge, I'm just not a rake,)
And,yes, I chuckle inside when I see pics on social media - I'm just not a total bitch like she is and could never be so cruel.

She sounds really fucking boring. And a massive bellend. Can’t be doing with people who are competitive under eaters. I totally understand why what she says upsets you but try not to let her nastiness get to you. Happy people don’t behave the way she does. You’ll be happier if you manage to ignore her.

It's interesting that you say yours is a 'don't say anything family' but your sister seems pretty happy to say a whole lot!!

I'm sure you quietly telling your sister to shut her spiteful mouth wouldn't be awfully disturbing to your Grandmother!

Do you always put the feelings of everyone else before your own, OP?

This is something you REALLY don't want your child seeing. Not just her making snarky comments, you putting up with it, too! This is not how we teach our children to have self worth. They mirror us. You really don't want your child mirror that if when some bullying twat comes for them at school.

Stand up for yourself, OP. It doesn't have to mean screaming ding dongs and fisticuffs, just let her know firmly that you will not be tolerating her bitchy behaviour any more.

You are definitely not being unreasonable however I do feel sorry for her. She seems to only value herself based on size and clearly thinks everyone else only values them for that which must be suffocating and really hold her back from other parts of life. I feel sorry for her tbh. Are you more successful than she is? Obviously you’re about to start a family showing continued growth and stability so I agree the comments are out of jealousy and that’s the only thing she feels she has. Of course you’re completely right to be angry at her comments, especially given how much work you have done to overcome your own issues. The best thing for you is to continue being healthy and try not to allow this dynamic to play out in front of your children as they will pick up on it and it’s so unhealthy. I wish I could suggest you try to help her but these kinds of issues can really only be addressed by the person themselves and it sounds like nothing you say would really be taken as helpful.

Ignore her she is the one with some weird food/diet obsession, she sounds like a cow I'm the slim one of my Dsis's I'd never mention their weight it is genetics metabolism not an achievement.
Her life must be very boring she feels free to hurt you.

Am at least 4 stone heavier than my sister and not much taller - she has made plenty of comments about it in the past but the truth is, she is jealous of my life and it is all she has got on me. Might be the same with yours OP?

Is your sister aware of her eating disorder?

You seem to both be in a game that you do not want to be in and being the thinnest is the ultimate prize. Neither of you have a healthy attitude to food and at some point an emphasis was put on weight in childhood. I probably think your sister is crying out for attention in a learnt behaviour. You need to protect yourself and also your child to break this obsession she has with weight and happiness and her attacking to make herself feel better.

She sounds horrible, but by responding to her you're feeding the beast. She clearly gets off being horrible and getting a reaction. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is ignore her.

I’m not more successful than her at all.
She’s in university, about to move to do her masters.
I’m just an 18 year old with a baby, although she’s always been jealous of my boyfriend haha.
I produce music and make okay money, which is something she’s never really liked me doing, but she is more successful than me in terms of her education etc.
I’ve been a bit jealous of her over the years because of that, but I’ve kept that to myself, I wouldn’t ever be horrible to her.

I avoid the confrontation because I don’t want my family getting annoyed at me to put it bluntly, I remember once I told my school about my parents addictions and they called social services...oh lord you’d think Id stuck a literal knife in all their backs.
It sounds sad but once my grandmother passes I think I’ll avoid them all for good.

I wouldn't respond childishly but would have a serious conversation where I tell her how hurtful her comments are and how my weight gain does affect me.

Perhaps gently but firmly telling her that you love her but you won't accept any more digs about your weight might be enough.

I love you but it really hurts me when you comment on my weight. We both seem to have issues around food and our self-image and I'm happy to sit and talk about it with you because I want things to be good between us. But I can't accept any more snarky comments so I'm asking now to stop.

Leslie I notice you always remark on (my weight) and it makes me feel comfortable. How would you feel if I remarked on (something she is sensitive about - theres got to be something) all the time'

Call me a cynic/pessimist/realist - delete as appropriate - but I think these types of response, although intended to be helpful, would actually make her worse not better. She then knows for certain how much you don't like it and would be more likely to ramp it up than back off.

The best bet is the 'I don't care' response. 'Oh, OK then' 'whatever' 'no problem'. Say those things even if you don't feel them. Work on a face that conveys total indifference. Fake it till you make it.

I don’t think my sister is aware of her disorder, I think she thinks it’s normal behaviour.

I agree with not rising to it, either a “you ok hun” and a side eye, or a bored sigh. If it helps, she’s obviously doing it because she’s insecure, maybe being thin is her “thing” which is why she goes on about it? It doesn’t make it easy for you, but maybe it makes it easier to forgive once you see it as a sign of weakness? And don’t sweat about the baby weight, you have a beautiful baby to look after.

PS the thread title says you know you're being unreasonable. No you're not.

Has she, by any chance, been the golden child as far as the family was concerned, and you were the scapegoat?

@Feedingthebirds1
She’s very much a people pleaser, always looking for validation and my family tend to use her to show off a little bit, even within the family, our uncle will ask how she is, but not even mention me while on the phone to my GM, there’s always a congratulations for her.
I don’t want it victimise myself but, I’m often used as a punch bag not only by her but my parents too.
Sometimes it feels like there’s one big joke that I’m not in on, if that makes sense.

@TaighNamGastaOrt

YANBU I have a sister like this. my twin. All my life she bullied me. weight was the major issue. I was 8st and a size 8 until I met my DH and had DC. Still at that size, I was called fat and mocked. similar snarky comments. DTwin is a narc, I realise that now that food was the only thing she could control. After I had DC it was all fat comments, she even had my dad saying it. My parents like yours were conditioned to agree with her. Does she treat your DC well? I finally went NC when she started treating my kids badly-ignoring birthday and making snarky comments at my lovely innocent kids. I recommend NC. If you don't want to go NC, at the very least stand up for yourself. She's jealous of you and trying to make herself feel better about her own shitty life by bringing you down with her snarky comments. Just because she's your sister doesn't mean she's allowed to treat you nastily.

Sounds awful! I always imagined twins to have a loving, supportive relationship but I guess not!