I already know I am, but it’s hurting me a lot

[Cash02]

Bit of back story, I have one sibling, a sister, she’s always been slim, a bit of picky eater.
Me on the other hand, on the bigger side, always up for a meal and apparently crawled after a steak at 5months old.
I was never more than a little chubby until I hit puberty, weirdly early, at 9 years old, I started gaining. Later to find out I had PCOS, and went on to develop and eating disorder.

She’s a very competitive and snarky sister but at 22 years old you’d think she would’ve lightened up a bit. She’s always made comments about my weight, what I’m eating etc. I can’t eat a thing without her giving me a nasty look.

However in 2019 I lost a lot of weight, about 4 stone, she hated this, always made a point to eat less than me and state how small she is.

But I had a baby last year, and have put on almost 2 stone, it’s obviously upset me, but she’s absolutely loving it.
Just 10 minutes ago, I was cooking my dinner, she comes into the kitchen and says ‘oh I wish I could have dinner but I had some pizza for Lunch, wouldn’t want to get fat.’
I said ‘you won’t get a medal for not eating, just have some dinner,’
She replies with ‘my reward will be not being fat,’ with a snarky look on her face.
Am I being sensitive? Or should I say something? I’ve never said anything once, I don’t like talking about my weight so if she brings it up I just ignore her and pretend I didn’t hear.

It may sound a bit trivial but this isn’t the only thing she does, but it would take forever to go into detail.

You say you have an eating disorder, but she clearly has food issues as well. Her attitude and comments aren’t those of someone with a healthy relationship with food. She’ll skip dinner so she doesn’t get fat?? I wonder what the family dynamic is that you both have complicated relationships with food, why she is insecure and why she feels like she has to compare herself to you to feel better. What a mess. I wonder if it’s worth unpacking what’s going on, with a view to rising above it and moving on.

I have a sister like that . I am overweight she is skinny .

I ignore the harmful jibes because I am richer and have a husband .

She can’t seem to find a decent man for love nor money .

Being skinny is not everything 😀

When is she going to get help for her eating disorder?
Next time she talks like this, ask her.

Congratulations on your baby and on realising life's true priorities.

Why haven't you ever said anything? I wouldn't respond childishly but would have a serious conversation where I tell her how hurtful her comments are and how my weight gain does affect me. I would ask her to stop making snide comments.

I’d tell her what I thought of her behaviour and that I wasn’t going to engage in any kind of relationship with her, beyond necessary, until she chooses to do better. Then avoid as much as possible.

Also don’t worry about your baby weight. You have a lovely baby! The weight will shift steadily, if that’s what you choose. You know what to do, you’ve done it before. One day at a time.

Wow if that was my sister I'd have just told her she was being a year by now.

You BOTH have very unhealthy relationships with food. It was telling that you told the story about crawling after a steak. It tells me that you have been "told" that were the food loving child and I wonder what she was told about who she was. It sounds like she feels her only worth is in being skinny and that is incredibly sad.

Having said that you deserve respect and should have healthy boundaries around how others treat you. Perhaps gently but firmly telling her that you love her but you won't accept any more digs about your weight might be enough. Or a more heartfelt conversation about your childhood roles if you felt able.

I think your sister sounds jealous and spiteful.

You both have an unhealthy dynamic around food. The armchair psychologist in me wonders if it is a family trait? Perhaps your sister also has an ED? It sounds like you need to separate from each other emotionally. You are not little girls anymore, you are adults and as a parent, do you really want to pass on the same shit to your own DC?

I can think of so many retorts but none of them will actually stop her. Her weapon isn't actually being thin, it's making you feel like shit for not being as thin as she is. If you can work on truly not giving a shit about that, you'll draw her sting. Even if she keeps trying, it won't hurt you and as a bonus, she'll go mad realising she can't get to you.

Easier said than done, I know.

But you do actually have the power here. She's trying to control how you feel; if you withdraw that, she'll have nothing.

So don't rise to it. She comes in saying she's not hungry for dinner, say "Ok, see you later". She tells you she doesn't want to get fat, say "Ok, fair enough." She makes a rude comment about your weight, say "I'm not interested, you're the only one who cares" and leave the room. Or just a non-committal "mmph, ok" noise.

Not hugely witty, but you can't win by engaging in verbal sparring because this isn't about who's wittiest. It's one of those times where the only way to win is not to play. Don't take her bait, don't get lured into a discussion about food or weight. Just say "ok" or similar and let it hang in the air unanswered.

No response is a response. A powerful one.

The phrase “crawled after a steak at 5 months old” really stands out to me. A strange thing to say to your daughter. Did your Dm/df facilitate some kind of weird competition about weight/food in your household growing up? It sounds like there is a very unhealthy relationship re food for both of you.

Let her do her thing, rise above it if you can. She sounds almost jealous of the fact you like to eat food (I suspect she is projecting onto you as you now eat “normally” whereas she seemingly punishes herself by not eating?)

So you've always let her treat you like this and never said a thing?

Time to put the bitch on her scrawny ass, OP! Verbally, obvs

"I'm not getting into one of these with you" is another possible response, but make sure you mean it because the next line will be designed to pull you in as usual.

She sounds awful really insecure jealous and clearly has her own issues with food and her own weight. Please try to ignore her hurtful comments and rise above it

I feel for you - I’ve spent my life being the chubbier friend and have years of disordered eating. Meh.

Anyway, she is to blame for being a bitch because there’s just NO need to shame someone for their appearance but being family, well that’s even worse. One thing to remember - this all comes from a place of insecurity and unhappiness on her side. Deep down. There is a reason she is a bitch, but whatever those reasons might be - it’s not your fault or for you to absorb her spiteful behaviour.

However - how have you never just told her to bore off. I’m being polite because I’d have told her to get to fuck many years ago.

You aren’t responsible for how other people behave but you are responsible for your own boundaries and protecting your own mental well-being.

If you can, tell her in a non confrontational way, if you can’t then the next time she makes a snide remark then pull her up immediately.
Short and sharp. And do it every time.

Never feel bad for standing up for yourself

She sounds very jealous of you and a total bitch.

Haha honestly I could write your post. My sisters still an arsehole and she’s 43.... some people are just shit aren’t they.

But her attitude towards my weight stems from jealousy so I can kind of ignore it to an extent.

Just remember: you’re not less of a person because there’s more of you.

Every time she says something hurtful just smile or laugh to yourself. She has a problem - not you. She’s obviously very insecure and quite possibly jealous of you. The partner of my husband’s best friend does this to me when we are alone, never in company and my BMI is normal, I’m curvy and hourglass shaped. She has a boyish figure, straight up and down and too thin. I would rather be me than have a figure and horrible personality like her. You sound great to me.

She probably isn't jealous, but places a huge amount of her self worth on being thinner. That's not your problem and you don't have to be the doormat she wipes her self-esteem on. Just don't take the bait, don't do what she wants you to do. Anything you try to hit her with, she'll say you're just bitter because she's thinner. That's all she's got, so don't let her have it.

"I can lose weight but you'll always be a mean/nasty/ugly/delete as appropriate bitch"

Seems like you are your sister are in competition with each other on who can be slimmest.

I honestly would say something when she’s being bitchy but I hate people who enjoy making others feel like shit . I even more so hate that they don’t get pulled up about it .
I’d be tempted to say next time do you enjoy making others feel like shit so you feel better if she denies it just say it each and every time.

That's really mean and you sound so lovely to even consider not retaliating! Don't let her get you down, it says more about her than you

I'd be cooking all sorts of lovely, fragrant food every time I knew she was depriving herself and making no bones about enjoying every mouthful. As a PP said upthread, she can be bitter and hungry on her own

Reading these have really cheered me up, thank you.
Her and I both have awful relationships with food and I feel for her, although my ED was starve then binge, hers is just starve.
She’s never said anything about it, neither has anyone in the family, it’s always been about my weight.
It’s probably why I don’t say anything to her.
She seems to get off on comparing herself to me, which is an anorexic behaviour within itself.
I’ve learnt to cope with my eating disorder, and I lost a lot of weight healthily, The weight I’ve gained into through binging, it’s just overeating (there’s a slight difference). I’m getting my weight under control again.
I feel sorry for her in all honesty, but I’m not here to be a punching bag and I don’t want my daughter growing up to see that dynamic.
However my family is very much a ‘don’t say anything’ family, incredibly dysfunctional.
We had an awful childhood, it’s a shame it drove us apart instead of together.