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AIBU?

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Original poster

DS7, ex DP and Doctor

118 replies

disturbiaaa · 20/01/2021 14:41

I've posted elsewhere but am hoping for a bit more traffic here.

I have a DS7 with my ex DP. We've been separated 4 years and are pretty much no contact due to him being argumentative, accusatory and generally not very nice to me. DS7 lives with me but sees his Dad on a regular basis.

I've been told by our 'third party' person that ex DP has made an appointment for DS7 at the GP this week (mine and DS' GP, not my ex's). Ex seems to think DS7 has a huge eating problem and wants to do something about it. Other than eating slowly and preferring sweet things, I don't believe DS7 has a problem. DS7 has had numerous hospital check ups over the past 2 years for something else that ex DP doesn't attend. His weight etc is fine.

I spoke to the GP today to inform them that DS lives with me and doesn't appear to have an eating problem when at home (they should know the whole picture) but I won't get in the way of the appointment my ex has made. GP said I could attend if I wanted too.

I've told DS7 about the appointment (I don't believe it should be sprung on him which I know his Dad will do) and now he doesn't want to go to his Dad's unless I go to the appointment too.

My problem is that if I turn up for DS' appointment, my ex is going to hit the roof. It may seem like I am being controlling, but I really don't want my DS to have to go down this road when there is no need for it. Without going in to too much detail, I also know that my ex wants DS to live with him instead of me and there is usually an ulterior motive to things he does. I'm worried he is going to try and paint me as a bad mother (maybe not that extreme but...). He has on occasion refused to return him when supposed too and regularly tells DS he wants him to live with him.

Would you attend the appointment? I really don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 22/01/2021 11:21

Great if he loses his temper in the waiting room or in front of the GP

Can only do the arsehole harm 👍🏻

MustardMitt · 22/01/2021 11:22

You need to go. Your son wants you to, and like others say (and you yourself think) he is trying to make a case against you. Don’t make his job easier.

LAMPS1 · 22/01/2021 11:43

Your ex hasn’t told you that he has made the appointment. This in itself indicates he’s being secretive and has an agenda, which you suspect anyway. Your son wants you to go. The doctor has invited you to go and your 3rd party has brought it to your attention, (probably deliberately). Your son complains that his dad tries to make him eat more when he doesn’t want to.
You seem a little bit intimidated by him and fearful of what he might be planning. So lots of reasons to go.
I think it’s important that you go. Do it for your boy.
Sit quietly, let your husband reveal his concerns and only answer questions if the doctor brings you into it.
Good luck !

Calmandmeasured1 · 22/01/2021 11:46

I have a friend whose parents were blind to her having an eating disorder.

I don't think you need to attend. You have told the GP you don't think your son has an eating disorder. I think a doctor should be capable of discerning it for themself from information provided by your husband, by examination and from speaking to your son. I'm sure your son won't just be left as a bystander. The doctor will ask him questions as well as examining him. The GP may take bloods to test for vitamin deficiencies if there is concern.

Has your 3rd party contact told you why your ex thinks your son has an eating disorder?

I would also say that your ex is his parent too and also responsible for your son's wellbeing. It's good that he is prepared to take him to see a GP. The responsibility should be shared. Who would take your son to a GP if you were no longer here or if you were hospitalised with Covid?

HamAndButterSandwich · 22/01/2021 11:47

@gobbynorthernbird

Have you thought about just letting him crack on and parent your shared DS the way he feels best?
READ THE OP. The OP is worried he isn't trying parent as he sees best but is trying to manipulate evidence so that OP loses custody.
HunkyPunk · 22/01/2021 11:54

I think a doctor should be capable of discerning it for themself from information provided by your husband, by examination and from speaking to your son. I'm sure your son won't just be left as a bystander. The doctor will ask him questions as well as examining him.

You'd be surprised how many professionals can be swayed by a persuasive man. As for the son speaking up for himself to the Doctor... The child is 7, and from the sound of it, intimidated by his dad. Of course he's not going to contradict him to a complete stranger (who he will probably be nervous of, being only 7 and all..)

Santaiscovidfree · 22/01/2021 12:04

Consider your ex may claim to court you were invited by him and the GP and you didn't bother to show...
My ds had a specialist app.
Dh hid my car keys and went himself...
He tried to use that against me..
Bizarrely then claimed ds had no medical condition diagnosis... (??).. You need to wise up to his logic op. You may not realise the hidden agenda as yet. But we all know he has one.

Viviennemary · 22/01/2021 12:10

I think it could look bad if you insist on going to the appointment. If your Ex thinks there is cause for concern he has the right to book a GP appointment. It is annoying for you though if your ex is just a troublemaker.

LemonBreeland · 22/01/2021 12:12

I think that is a reason you should go to the appointment. Your DS needs you to advocate for him.

cardswapping · 22/01/2021 12:23

I am surprised some posters think parents cannot lie/convince professionals there is a problem when there is not. Daniel Pelka is a sad example of parents duping the system.
I am not saying OP or her exDP are of that vain, but it does happen.

As your child has asked you to be there AND the GP has confirmed the appointment to you and said you could attend, I would in your shoes attend, say little, take notes, answer questions when asked.

My now DS9 eats little compared to an adult, so there may be a very simple issue of portion size / expectations (i.e. exDP serving close to an adult portion and expecting it to be eaten up). But attending may prevent any escalating.

cardswapping · 22/01/2021 12:27

also if you are the main carer, most dietary follow up would fall onto you so you should get the info straight from the doctor

Freehugs · 22/01/2021 12:42

So every meal time at his fathers house your ds is being shouted at and threatened - could this be causing your son anxiety? He could be experiencing stomach pains or feeling nauseous caused by worry about his fathers reactions.
It does sound like his father has caused this eating issue - that only happens at his house Hmm.
Shouting every meal time and making threats could be deemed as emotional abuse. Stand up for your son. Attend the appointment. Get further advice on the issue, you could openly call out ds’s father for the shouting and threats at meal times in front of the doctor, or you could seek advice from nspcc.

byebyeboyee · 22/01/2021 12:52

Absolutely go, don't trust his partner. Let the doctor see him loose his rag, just stay calm and be collected show how your a good mum supporting your son.

PanamaPattie · 22/01/2021 12:53

If you won’t protect your son from his father - who will?

stuckinthemiddlewithyou1 · 22/01/2021 13:09

Your child and your GP .... Definitely go to the appointment. If Ex kicks off then he just looks like an arse not you.

4amWitchingHour · 22/01/2021 13:10

Your ex sounds like an abusive twunt and you should definitely go to the doctors appt. Your DS is only 7 and needs you.

MatildaTheCat · 22/01/2021 13:13

As has been said already only one adult will be allowed to the consultation.

Allow him to go ahead but send a message to the GP saying that your ex who has care of DC x% of the time has concerns a, b and c. Say that you would tend to disagree because e,f and g and also that the hospital have been happy with his progress. Then say that if the GP does have any concerns you will be more than happy to discuss them and any treatment he feels is necessary.

This gives the GP all he needs from your perspective. Attending the appointment will lead to strife which will affect your DC as well as the staff. I would be extremely surprised if the GP took his concerns seriously.

HamAndButterSandwich · 22/01/2021 13:26

@MatildaTheCat

As has been said already only one adult will be allowed to the consultation.

Allow him to go ahead but send a message to the GP saying that your ex who has care of DC x% of the time has concerns a, b and c. Say that you would tend to disagree because e,f and g and also that the hospital have been happy with his progress. Then say that if the GP does have any concerns you will be more than happy to discuss them and any treatment he feels is necessary.

This gives the GP all he needs from your perspective. Attending the appointment will lead to strife which will affect your DC as well as the staff. I would be extremely surprised if the GP took his concerns seriously.

I think this is great advice. It comes across as calm and rational and in no way defensive of the process. The GP can then listen to your ex and look at the evidence (weight, height etc) and decide for himself.
byebyeboyee · 22/01/2021 13:31

Except not just one parent is allowed the GP said she can attend as well and she definitely should as her ex is trying to gain evidence towards becoming resident parent and is lying to everyone. He even pretend to the doctor that he has their son 50 percent of the time when it's around 30.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2021 21:58

I think we scared her away

Soontobe60 · 22/01/2021 22:06

@disturbiaaa

Just to clarify - although DS definitely does not have an eating problem, I'm not trying to stop the appointment happening. DS7 is upset he is having to go (as he doesn't need too) and has said that he doesn't want to go to his Dad's unless I go to the appointment with him.
And your response to this should be ‘it’s ok, its just a chat with the doctor. You’ll be fine with daddy’.

Why did you feel the need to tell your ds about the appointment now? It could have waited until he was with his father. Ignorance (on your ds’s part) would have been bliss!

toocold54 · 22/01/2021 22:52

Explain to your DS that it’s a routine docs appointment but he is going with his dad this time as you have to work or something.

The gp will check everything’s ok and as you are the residential parent then you will be able to phone afterwards and find out the outcome.

If anything this is a positive thing as if you say he wants full custody they gp might be able to pick up on something to help your case like exaggerating an illness.

Wheresmykimchi · 22/01/2021 23:56

@disturbiaaa

Just to clarify - although DS definitely does not have an eating problem, I'm not trying to stop the appointment happening. DS7 is upset he is having to go (as he doesn't need too) and has said that he doesn't want to go to his Dad's unless I go to the appointment with him.
How much of that was lead by you though?
Shaniac · 23/01/2021 00:54

If you havent been to the appointment its worth doing a follow-up phone call to the gp and asking for clarification of what was said and giving your side.

Cherryhotchoc · 23/01/2021 07:05

How did it go op?

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