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Original poster

DS7, ex DP and Doctor

118 replies

disturbiaaa · 20/01/2021 14:41

I've posted elsewhere but am hoping for a bit more traffic here.

I have a DS7 with my ex DP. We've been separated 4 years and are pretty much no contact due to him being argumentative, accusatory and generally not very nice to me. DS7 lives with me but sees his Dad on a regular basis.

I've been told by our 'third party' person that ex DP has made an appointment for DS7 at the GP this week (mine and DS' GP, not my ex's). Ex seems to think DS7 has a huge eating problem and wants to do something about it. Other than eating slowly and preferring sweet things, I don't believe DS7 has a problem. DS7 has had numerous hospital check ups over the past 2 years for something else that ex DP doesn't attend. His weight etc is fine.

I spoke to the GP today to inform them that DS lives with me and doesn't appear to have an eating problem when at home (they should know the whole picture) but I won't get in the way of the appointment my ex has made. GP said I could attend if I wanted too.

I've told DS7 about the appointment (I don't believe it should be sprung on him which I know his Dad will do) and now he doesn't want to go to his Dad's unless I go to the appointment too.

My problem is that if I turn up for DS' appointment, my ex is going to hit the roof. It may seem like I am being controlling, but I really don't want my DS to have to go down this road when there is no need for it. Without going in to too much detail, I also know that my ex wants DS to live with him instead of me and there is usually an ulterior motive to things he does. I'm worried he is going to try and paint me as a bad mother (maybe not that extreme but...). He has on occasion refused to return him when supposed too and regularly tells DS he wants him to live with him.

Would you attend the appointment? I really don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
LolaButt · 20/01/2021 18:00

Your poor son. Sounds like he’s being used as a pawn by your exh.

I wonder what impact it will have on your son to be taken to a doctor about his eating when seemingly there isn’t an issue. Issues around eating can be very delicate and a focus on his eating habits could end up prompting an issue.

If your ex husband wants medical advice, why does the child need to be there? Does the GP have a recent height and weight for your son?

mamas12 · 20/01/2021 18:04

Find out when it is either asking him or the third party or phone the drs and find out the time of the appointment and be there for your son If you feel he would be supported that way it’s supposed to be about him isn’t it So both parents being there will be looked upon as a good thing
Let your ex do the talking about why he has made the appointment and answer the drs questions

byebyeboyee · 20/01/2021 18:15

I would also consider (assuming he is likely to have a outburst Infront of the doctor) at trying to remove his right to take him to the doctor or exceed the set custody times. It is obvious that he is abusive and cannot be trusted with the amount of parental responsibility he has as it is spreading into abusing your son.

byebyeboyee · 20/01/2021 18:16

What is your plan of he just picks him up one day from school and moves him away?

byebyeboyee · 20/01/2021 18:17

After this you cannot trust him to be reasonable take it as a lesson

Original poster
disturbiaaa · 20/01/2021 18:32

To answer a few questions:

Yes my source is very reliable - they are the person who goes between me and my ex re contact. I logged in to my doctors surgery account and can see my DS7's appointment for this week.

DS7 only had his height and weight checked at a hospital check up with me last week. My ex never attends DS' check ups. The hospital haven't sent the most recent figures to our GP yet.

I do receive benefit for my DS as I am resident parent. My ex has him roughly 35/40% of each month.

It doesn't sit well with me as there is always a reason my ex does something - I know for a fact he wants DS7 to live with him and he lies through his teeth (even CMS believed him over me). He is also very persuasive and I do wonder whether this is being used as part of a bigger plan to make himself resident parent.

Of course, DS7 could have an issue around eating at his Dad's but I imagine if he does it's been caused by my ex (DS says he gives him grown up sized potions and shouts at him that if he doesn't finish his plate then he will take him to the hospital).

OP posts:
NoGoodPunsLeft · 20/01/2021 18:37

this is so sad to read, your D'S is going to end up with eating issues with a dad like that Sad

Daisysflowers · 20/01/2021 18:57

Let your son go to the appointment. Tell your son there is nothing to be worried about and that all he needs to do is tell the truth to the doctor. Hopefully then he will tell the doctor that his dads dinners are too big and that’s why he can’t eat them all. They will see your son is a healthy weight and height. Dad will look stupid and hopefully they will put it down in his records.

Cherryhotchoc · 20/01/2021 19:02

Yes I would absolutely go. Even if you sit in the corner and don’t say anything while ex ‘explains’, then send with your view at the end. That way he can’t say you’ve blocked in any way.

Daisysflowers · 20/01/2021 19:03

Also do you get reminders when you have a doctors appointment? Could say you got a reminder that’s how you found out?

Original poster
disturbiaaa · 21/01/2021 21:35

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo I think you may have hit the nail on the head there - he's told the GP that he has our son 50/50 and that I argue with everything he says Hmm I really do not want to go to the appointment but I think I'm going to have too.

OP posts:
FortniteBoysMum · 21/01/2021 22:33

I would tell the ex that you will be attending as if there are concerns you should be aware to monitor things and bits doctor says may get lost in translation. Better to both hear it from the horses mouth if the doctor thinks there is a problem. My advice keep a food diary between now and the appointment to show what his eating.

FelicityWhiskers · 21/01/2021 23:08

This man is bullying you and abusing you via your son - and also doing the same to him. I've been through all of this in the past with my son's father - my DS is now 14 though and has the measure of his father so it does get better!

You need to keep a cool head which is what you're doing. You also need to fight back but in a measured way. It's concerning if your ex is piling up his plate and threatening him with the hospital if he doesn't clear the food. This needs to be documented somewhere - maybe mentioning it to your GP next time you're there. It also needs putting in writing to your ex. ... so if you email him or text him, do so. Express your concerns, say that he is a normal weight and eats normally at home and you have no concerns about an eating disorder but you support hearing an experts opinion on this and therefore will be at the appointment as DS has asked you to be.

Don't let him do medical stuff without your knowledge.

LouiseTrees · 21/01/2021 23:33

I would tell your DS they should go with their dad but if they think he says anything incorrect then they tell you and you’ll then have a convene a separate appointment with GP. Therefore you don’t need to turn up with ex there but you are reassuring child you will fix anything.

LouiseTrees · 21/01/2021 23:34

You then let your son talk and dispute anything incorrect the dad said

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2021 09:42

[quote disturbiaaa]@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo I think you may have hit the nail on the head there - he's told the GP that he has our son 50/50 and that I argue with everything he says Hmm I really do not want to go to the appointment but I think I'm going to have too. [/quote]
Have you corrected the doctors on this? No I don't argue with him and no he doesn't have him 50/50 I told my doctors my ex could cause an argument alone in a locked room they understand after meeting him

Santaiscovidfree · 22/01/2021 09:50

Given your ds is just 7 imo no way will he dispute to the Dr his df is talking shite...
That needs to be your job.
Or imo you are sacrificing your ds to exh's nonsense...
Probably one of the reasons YOU Ltb.

Original poster
disturbiaaa · 22/01/2021 10:07

I had a brief chat with my ex's partner last night (we do get on usually) who said she 'strongly advises' me not to go to the appointment today as this will likely cause my ex to lose his temper.

@Theunamedcat Yes he could definitely argue alone in a locked room 

@Santaiscovidfree There is absolutely no way my DS would stand up to my ex or even correct him in any way.

OP posts:
MusicWithRocksIn1t · 22/01/2021 10:09

You need to go.

Could you havea friend or relative waiting outside for you if he starts being abusive?

I'm sorry OP what a terrible situation.

Is there anyway to reduce the amount of time he spends with his Father? It really doesn't sound like he treats him very nicely.

endofthelinefinally · 22/01/2021 10:13

I think writing the letter is a good idea and copy it to the GP.
So if your ex loses his temper that might be a good thing if witnessed and documented in the GP records.
Keep a cool head.

Arobase · 22/01/2021 10:27

I had a brief chat with my ex's partner last night (we do get on usually) who said she 'strongly advises' me not to go to the appointment today as this will likely cause my ex to lose his temper.

And? If he kicks off at the doctor's surgery, he'll simply show himself up. You're in the happy situation of being able to tell him to grow up and walk away. If he's shouting the odds in your son't presence you'll have to take him with you, but so long as you keep a record of exactly what has happened that shouldn't be a problem.

I think you do need to go, because it's inevitable that your ex will tell the doctor a load of lies and will leave out inconvenient information such as he fact that the hospital is perfectly happy about your son. You can keep quiet during the appointment unless and until he lies. Also he will misrepresent to you what the doctor says, and I'd suggest you take a notebook so you can note it down exactly.

Gilead · 22/01/2021 10:45

Go. He will use it against you if you don’t. If he loses his temper, you and your son walk away.

Santaiscovidfree · 22/01/2021 11:11

Please do not take advice from his gf!! She has her own best interests at heart. Nothing more. She wants his mood to be sweet not what is best for your ds...
Poor dc needs you there. Maybe a Dr seeing him lose it would be useful...

endofthelinefinally · 22/01/2021 11:14

Your child's medical history is nothing to do with ex's girlfriend.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2021 11:18

Let him kick off in front of witnesses make sure your waiting indoors so he doesn't see you and retreat

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