DS7, ex DP and Doctor

[disturbiaaa]

I've posted elsewhere but am hoping for a bit more traffic here.

I have a DS7 with my ex DP. We've been separated 4 years and are pretty much no contact due to him being argumentative, accusatory and generally not very nice to me. DS7 lives with me but sees his Dad on a regular basis.

I've been told by our 'third party' person that ex DP has made an appointment for DS7 at the GP this week (mine and DS' GP, not my ex's). Ex seems to think DS7 has a huge eating problem and wants to do something about it. Other than eating slowly and preferring sweet things, I don't believe DS7 has a problem. DS7 has had numerous hospital check ups over the past 2 years for something else that ex DP doesn't attend. His weight etc is fine.

I spoke to the GP today to inform them that DS lives with me and doesn't appear to have an eating problem when at home (they should know the whole picture) but I won't get in the way of the appointment my ex has made. GP said I could attend if I wanted too.

I've told DS7 about the appointment (I don't believe it should be sprung on him which I know his Dad will do) and now he doesn't want to go to his Dad's unless I go to the appointment too.

My problem is that if I turn up for DS' appointment, my ex is going to hit the roof. It may seem like I am being controlling, but I really don't want my DS to have to go down this road when there is no need for it. Without going in to too much detail, I also know that my ex wants DS to live with him instead of me and there is usually an ulterior motive to things he does. I'm worried he is going to try and paint me as a bad mother (maybe not that extreme but...). He has on occasion refused to return him when supposed too and regularly tells DS he wants him to live with him.

Would you attend the appointment? I really don't know what to do for the best.

I would go to the appointment for your sons sake, he has asked you to go after all

@Theunamedcat

During lockdown its usually one parent per child allowed at appointments

The Doctor told her she could go though

As a pp has suggested, I would attend in the car/waiting room so that ds could sit with me while ex partner discusses with the GP. Gp can then see ds

I don’t think you should go to the appointment and you should apologise to your DS for telling him about it in advance and worrying him. Explain he will need to go to it and to be honest to the GP and not worry about it because the doctor will be kind and understanding.

I would go to the appointment too as your son wants you to.

Could you sit in the waiting room?

You could also email the Dr before the appointment to say you will be out there in case he wants to talk to you.

Ex doesn't need to know that you've emailed.

Imo you most def need to be in on that appointment op. Before exh has it escalated to another Dr.. And your ds had requested you attend... He needs to see you are in his corner if indeed his df is bullying him regarding mealtimes.

@disturbiaaa

Just to clarify - although DS definitely does not have an eating problem, I'm not trying to stop the appointment happening. DS7 is upset he is having to go (as he doesn't need too) and has said that he doesn't want to go to his Dad's unless I go to the appointment with him.

Your DS is 7 years old. How can he possibly know whether he needs to see a doctor or not? Any concerned parent can take their child to the GP. If their concerns are unfounded, the GP will tell them. I don't think it will do any harm for your Ex to take him to the Dr, and might reassure him.

Does your ex know what a 'normal' portion size is for a 7 year old? Could he be feeding him a more adult portion size, which would then make him seem slow and fussy? Or is there a difference in the range of meals on offer in your houses? Could dinner be being served too early (not hungry enough) or too late (too tired to eat).

Have you made any effort to try to understand why he is concerned? That might be a better starting point.

@Lougle We are pretty much no contact but any discussions I have tried to have with him about this have ended with him shouting at me, telling me I am wrong and that he knows what is best for DS7.

Now ds knows about the appointment, will he tell his dad he knows about the appointment, doesn't want to go without you etc? In that case, id message exP and say you have been informed ds has a GP appointment scheduled in his time with him, and presume ExP made the appointment as you didn't, if its a mistake, let you know and you'll cancel. If not, would he like you attend as well.

My friend experienced something similar to this and it was the start of the ex trying to get custody. After a sustained campaign of seemingly minor concerns, he eventually succeeded.
Attend the medical appointment to show you are supportive of any health concerns your ex may have. Hopefully the GP will reassure you both that there is nothing to worry about and this will shut this ploy down. Or prove to ex he's talking crap. Both good.

[quote disturbiaaa]@Lougle We are pretty much no contact but any discussions I have tried to have with him about this have ended with him shouting at me, telling me I am wrong and that he knows what is best for DS7. [/quote]
Then I would definitely let the appointment go ahead. To do anything else would give him a huge amount of ammunition to claim that you disregard your DS's health needs, etc.

Finishing everything on the plate is not best practice anyway so hopefully the GP will suggest that he eases off with your son at meal times. Pushing him to eat faster is also not good.

Your going to need to text or email ex and say you know about the appointment and ds knows otherwise you could be putting ds right in the middle of this.

Once got a very reluctant phone call off exh. He had one of our dc in hospital with a raging temp. I drove straight there... To find exh getting an absolute dressing down off the Dr when he was forced to admit dc had been ill all week end and he hadn't even given him calpol...
If you want the facts from the appointment op you really need to be there..

Fussy eating is really common. I would suggest that any out of the ordinary food issues are caused by being bullied to clear his plate. I'm sure the GP will pick upon that. If the GP has told you that you can attend, I would.

Your son wants you at the appointment. You go.

If a dialogue with your ex about attending the original appointment is really not possible because of his behaviour towards you, then at least book a follow up appointment/phonecall with your DS's GP to discuss any issues brought up in the previous appointment with Ex. This is your DS's medical record and can be shared with you. Then it is on record that you followed up ex's concerns appropriately.
No need for DS to attend 2nd appointment if it would be distressing for him.

Yep.
The appointment has to go ahead. But you need to be there.
Both for your dc but also to be able to bring your side of the story.

What I am uncomfortable about is the fact your ds doesn’t want to go with his dad and needs you there. For me, this shows a lack of trust towards his father. Has your ds ever found himself having to agree to whatever his dad said because he wasn’t listening?
I would be worried that, once at the GP, your ex will say ds does this and that and ds won’t be able to say NO (or will say yes for an easier life)

You need to be at the appointment too. Its clearly been manufactured as part of a longer strategy to paint you as a bad parent and get custody. I would be there to ensure lies are not said to the GP and placed permanently on your child's medical records. Lies such as how you encourage his 'eating disorder' etc. Aside from that your son wants you there, which is reason enough in itself.

Grey rock your ex and don't be intimidated. The fear you feel about going and being involved is absolutely deliberate on his part, its manipulative abusive behaviour and you cannot back down to it - be strong for your little boy.

Go to the appointment. Let Ex leave first so there's no chance of arguments in the car park. When is the appointment? Do you have a chance to do a little food diary without DS knowing, so you can show the Dr what he's eating and how much?

You must go to this appointment, he is obviously trying to pull a fast one, most likely for custody or child benefit. Not only will it help show how unreasonable he is, you will be there to support your son. Honestly wtf takes a 7 year old to the Dr for a potential eating disorder and does not tell the resident parent when it has been discussed before. Abusive manipulative men think their so smart they are not. Go to the appt and forget the Mumsnet vipers.

Also the Dr saying you can come seems a gentle suggestion that he knows something is a foot.

[quote disturbiaaa]@Pippa234 It's not so much an eating disorder in the sense of him being underweight or overweight. My ex is very controlling and will get angry with my DS if he hasn't completely cleared his plate. Ex takes this (plus the fact that he is a slow eater) to mean that DS has an eating 'problem'. [/quote]
This post is the same scenario as the one I was referring to. (And like you say, eating disorders don't always mean someone will be over or underweight).

My ex is very controlling

Controlling man

very controlling and will get angry with my DS

Bullies your son

my DS if he hasn't completely cleared his plate. Ex takes this (plus the fact that he is a slow eater) to mean that DS has an eating 'problem'

Has invented an ED to justify bullying his son

So he's a controlling man who bullies his son over a supposed eating disorder he's invented. Failing to comply with an abuser does not constitute an eating disorder.

No idea why you're minimising to protect this abusive man.

Who has told you about the appointment if not your ex? Do they have reason to be stirring? Are they a valuable source of info regarding what is happening when Ds is with ex if communication between you is strained?

Ideally a) ex should have told you about the appointment and b) you’d go because your son wants you there.

As that isn’t happening you need to decide what is more important; making ex aware you know of the appointment and potentially him kicking off at you and your source of information.
Or protecting that source by keeping ex unaware that you know and communicating with the gp via email to demonstrate that you are involved and interested, but do not share ex’s concerns.

It is quite normal for separated parents to both attend appointments. When we go to medical things for my DD I encourge ex to come along so I dont have to relay info back to him and he hears the same things I hear. He doesn't come to a routine blood test or a dental check up but when we are dealing with her health issues and there is information or instructions I want him there. In your case I would definitely attend but try not to enter into a slanging match with ex. Let him say what he wants, give your views when asked and support your DS.