To feel grief over not being able to breastfeed

[Ahorsecalledseptember]

When I had my baby I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Baby had other ideas and we really struggled to latch him on: he’d fall off within moments and get increasingly frustrated.

He had a tongue tie snipped privately at 4 days old, saw a lactation consultant, had numerous ‘support’ from community midwives, nipple shields, skin to skin, the lot. It just wasn’t happening.

It’s hugely important to me he gets some breast milk so I’m expressing for him but it’s hard, hard work and it’s a struggle to make up four feeds a day. Some days I don’t manage to make enough milk for four feeds and then I feel so bad.

I just really wish I’d been able to feed him ‘normally’. I feel so stressed with bottles making sure they are sterilised and it really restricts our movements because I’m constantly having to think about expressing milk, is there enough for a feed, has he had enough, too much?

In the grand scheme of things I get it doesn’t matter but just now it really does.

Yanbu. I’ve been there and got the t shirt. Once they’re past the ‘milk stage’ though, it really won’t seem as important as it does to you right now.

Totally get it OP it's rubbish and you're well we within your rights to mourn the fact that you can't breastfeed. I couldn't either, most likely due to some medication I'd had to take which we always knew created a risk of not being able to breastfeed, but I had so wanted to try and I felt very unsupported. The drive to get everyone to breastfeed is understandable but it does result in women feeling like failures if they can't and there's not much support to establish other forms of feeding so it can feel overwhelming. I promise it won't feel like such a big deal in a few months though.

You don't have to sterilise things for breast milk as long as your baby was full term and healthy.
I was in the same scenario with ds1 and I was so upset about it. I expressed for about 12 weeks but it was unsustainable for me even with over supply.
He's 4.5 now and you really do realise that it honestly doesn't matter.
Currently breastfeeding his baby brother but I feel a lot less 'precious' about it this time as I put less pressure on myself.

Expressed milk can stay out of the fridge for 8 hours. Sterilise your bottles and they can safely stay in the fridge for 24 hours. When you go out, take a sterilised bottle with breast milk and you will be fine all day.

I don’t even think it’s pressure from others to breastfeed: if anything I’ve experienced the opposite, everyone from OH to midwives pressurising me to formula feed.

Im not sure what you mean by sterilising bottles for breast milk though.

I def here you and saying well just give formula is not the answer. Yes one can do that and yes baby wil lthrive but I def get wanting to feed. However you are feeding you are expressing I would continue to do that. Do you have an electric pump. I only had a hand one at home and one was better then the other but if i had my time again I would def get an electric pump. Fenegreek and oats are meant to improve milk surply. I made lactation cookies. OK not sure how many you would actually have to eat to improve milk surply but they were nice and had slow release carbs so not bad for a treat any way. (Google it.. A bit like a flabjack.) Don,t worry about over feeding. Always offer breast first.. then expressed.. and then if still hungry formula.
If you can not contnue expressing then fair enough it,s tough work.
And yes for me it did matter. So I here you. You doing grand. (there are meds you can take to improve milk surply but good luck finding a doctor who will know about them or be bothered to help.)

It's normal to feel how you are but really you did everything you could. Some babies just don't get it.

I was the same with my first. I ended up expressing for her for 6 months and it was hell. I pumped every 3 hours, 24 hours a day for 6 months. Looking back I wish I'd sacked it off and switched to formula after a few months and given myself a break. Using formula isn't failing so don't feel bad, just do it.
I'm still breastfeeding my son and he's 3. He just latched straight on and got on with it. Some get it and some don't.

hi op. Didn't want to read and run.
Grief is a perfectly natural reaction to what you have been through.
And sometimes all the input and things people try can be totally overwhelming and add to the feelings you have.
How old is your baby now?
You are doing amazingly well to be expressing enough for 4 bottles.
There will be loads of people who can come along and offer practical advice if you want it.
I just wanted to say I have been where you are...it's hard and exhausting

Your feelings are perfectly valid. Breastfeeding is the biological norm and its fine to feel grief over being unable to do it. I don't think new mums are prepared for this outcome or adequately supported through it.

Are you getting decent advice on exclusive pumping? We've a bit of an all or nothing attitude in the UK but in other countries EP is more common and there is better advice for mums taking this route.

Yanbu to mourn the difficulties for BF. I also found it difficult, but you are trying your best and what is best is fed.

And yes as a PP says, you don't need to sterilise for expressed milk, only for formula. Please be kinder on yourself, you are trying your best and that is definitely enough!

My Mother somehow could not breast feed me. This was in the 1950s. She tried really hard.

She had three more children, none of whom were breastfed. We all turned out just fine.

Don't be hard on yourself. You are a great Mum.

It's fine to stop, but all is not lost if you're still producing. An experienced lactation consultant would be able to help you get baby latched. It might need skin to skin all day and night for a while, lots of patience, and you'd have to wean off formula carefully. As I said, it's fine to stop, but if you're that bothered you can absolutely still salvage it.

No they really won’t Y, trust me, I know the generally accepted view is all babies can breastfeed, this one can’t, or won’t. Either way neither of us have any confidence in it now.

Your feelings matter. How your baby is fed does matter because it matters to you. There is a book called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matters by Professor Amy Brown. It might be helpful.

It sounds as though you're finding expressing a challenge? As PP says sterilising bottles for EBM isn't necessary. Some mums find hand massage, breast compression, warm compresses, having your baby nearby while you express can really help. This is called hands-on pumping.

Are you managing to express once in the wee small hours? Prolactin is highest between 1am and 5am, so expressing once in the middle of the night can boost supply.

Have you tried to get your baby back to the breast? If it is important to you, there is some useful info here - the focus is on "making the breast a nice place to be", so plenty of skin to skin, as well as boosting oxytocin to increase milk supply. It's a PDF document www.walc.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/BF-Reboot-baby-breast-distress-2-sides2010.pdf

I could have written your post. I pumped to try and help the guilt but even pumping every 3 hours didn't give enough for all the feeds each day so we topped up with formula. I felt so let down by my body.
My child is now nearly 2 and is really healthy and happy so it did her absolutely no harm.
Be kind to yourself and be confident in what you are doing. Your baby will be fine and eventually you'll hopefully feel better.

Well I think people are honing in on the wrong bit, sterilising is a doddle compared to sitting attached to a breast pump with a fussing baby throughout the day and night

YANBU. Every single person who has tried to make me feel better about my abysmal time to BF feels the need to remind me that it’s not that important in the grand scheme and as long as baby is fed that’s what’s important. I agree, I didn’t want a starving baby, but we as a society are so quick to denigrate the effort we as mums put into breastfeeding.

You’re doing amazingly OP. If you decide to do one feed a day as formula, then that’s okay too, it took a little pressure off me when I was expressing. I found power pumping really helpful to up my supply, & being more hands on too www.nancymohrbacher.com/articles/2012/6/27/to-pump-more-milk-use-hands-on-pumping.html.

I really hear you on wishing you could just feed “normally” - we did shields, EBM, finger feeding, I just wanted to pop baby on the boob!

Agree with the pp, have a Pyjama day with the baby inside

Do you have the budget for a hands free set up? Have you checked out "pumping hacks" on Pinterest or equivalent?

Oh OP, your feelings are absolutely valid and I know a few people that this has happened to so you are not alone. How old is DC?

Do you have an electric pump? Invest in a decent pump and it's a game changer - I was so surprised at what a difference it made.

There are feeding consultants out there that can support later latch if you do want to try once more but I understand if you are reluctant to try again.

And Google deep latch technique, tickle nose and when the open make sure they have to reach up and over, their bottom lip needs to pump the milk out, not suck it like spaghetti

Unfortunately orange he had a lot more the. That, out of eight feeds a day at least four are formula, sometimes five. It says at the GP he is breastfed with formula top ups but really he’s formula fed with breast milk too ups I do try really hard to at least make sure it’s 50/50 though.

Current breast pump was £170 I think, I’ll look into hands free but when baby is fussing he wants to be picked up and that’s really hard with big flange things coming out of my chest!

He can’t do it Y and I don’t want to. Not now.

Tbf you said you were stressed with sterilising and the expressing so people are naturally trying to help with that. If you can buy a hands free pump like the elvie and stop sterilising.

Sometimes things just don’t have a solution, though, do they