To feel grief over not being able to breastfeed

[Ahorsecalledseptember]

When I had my baby I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Baby had other ideas and we really struggled to latch him on: he’d fall off within moments and get increasingly frustrated.

He had a tongue tie snipped privately at 4 days old, saw a lactation consultant, had numerous ‘support’ from community midwives, nipple shields, skin to skin, the lot. It just wasn’t happening.

It’s hugely important to me he gets some breast milk so I’m expressing for him but it’s hard, hard work and it’s a struggle to make up four feeds a day. Some days I don’t manage to make enough milk for four feeds and then I feel so bad.

I just really wish I’d been able to feed him ‘normally’. I feel so stressed with bottles making sure they are sterilised and it really restricts our movements because I’m constantly having to think about expressing milk, is there enough for a feed, has he had enough, too much?

In the grand scheme of things I get it doesn’t matter but just now it really does.

With dd1 I utterly believed that all babies were capable of breastfeeding. It was an utter nightmare that actually ruined the early weeks with her.
She was formula fed as we're the others.
Come to terms with it. And embrace the whole bottle feeding.

How old is your baby? My dd really struggled to latch and it took 6 weeks to be able to get her to properly stay on, she had some expressed, some formula in that period but as her jaw and head control got better she learned to stay latched. It's difficult for many babies - it's worth trying every feed or between feeds more as a comfort thing, plus I found lying down to feed easier at the wobbly head stage. My second dd latched at birth so I know the difference

I do appreciate people trying to help with breastfeeding but that ship has sailed.

I’ve tried nipple shields and support as much as there is in lockdown ... there really is no stone I’ve left uncovered. And to be honest I now don’t want to. It made us both angry, sad, weepy and frustrated. They were awful feelings for me never mind my newborn baby. And he is used to bottles now.

He is 5 weeks today actually! Was born at term exactly by my dates and term + 3 by theirs. Emergency section though.

And yes fed is best ... nonetheless I think any formula feeding mum would rightly be very upset if a shop refused to serve her formula because she ‘should’ be breastfeeding. It does matter. It’s a choice and either choice should be respected but my choice was taken from me.

I get it OP. My eldest just couldn't/wouldn't feed. We had community midwife support every day for three weeks. I saw a consultant (paid). I tried shields, different holds, days in bed and the bath doing skin to skin and nothing else. Nothing worked.

She turned out to have an unidentified - missed by all the HCPs - tongue and upper lip tie (discovered by the dentist at one year old!) and severe silent reflux, bad enough that she had to go to hospital in the end and was medicated for a year.

I felt so so bad. I'd always wanted to breastfeed and it just couldn't happen despite all of the echos of 'everyone can breastfeed with the right support'. I had the right support and lots of it. Wasn't happening. I could provide the milk, I had gallons of it and luckily pumped well. I used to get a 7oz feed off in 20 minutes once it was established. But she couldn't feed from me.

I ended up almost exclusively expressing for six months which although I don't regret from a giving her breast milk perspective I do regret from a my welfare perspective. I was way too hard on myself, I drove myself into the ground doing it and was really miserable. In hindsight I wish I'd have done it for three then switched for formula. That's what makes me sad when I look back these days, not that I couldn't feed - I'd go back and shake myself a bit if I could!

Don't let the guilt get to you. My child is five now and to be honest I don't ever think about how she was fed anymore unless I see threads like this! Honestly once you're past the little baby stage it really won't bother you.

When I had my second baby, I also tried to BF. Second baby actually took to it ok, for about two/three weeks then she also started up with silent reflux and I could see a lip tie which made it painful for me. I didn't faff about feeling bad this time. I expressed for 12 weeks then knocked it on the head for formula and didn't waste a single minute feeling bad about it.

Your baby will be fine and your feelings will fade, honestly. You're in the trenches at the moment. Every time you feel bad, stop yourself and remind yourself that your baby is happy, loved, well cared for and has a full tummy. And that's all that matters.

I felt the same as you 2 years ago. DD struggled to latch due to tongue tie (but only cut at 10 weeks and then again at 6 months when breastfeeding was long gone) I expressed and we did 50/50 formula and expressed milk for the first month until my husband went back to work then it was just too much. I had to switch fully to formula.
Honestly the only person upset will be you. My DD is now 2. She is thriving despite a difficult start and you can’t tell any difference between formula and breastfed children. Be kind to yourself and consider your well-being as well a babies

I was desperate to breast feed, I thought it was right etc, put loads of stress on myself, it didn't work, he wasn't gaining weight, he went to formula and was fine and I was a lot less stressed. Six months later I was at go for pain and they did a full blood check and it turned out I had an under active thyroid, baby 2 was breastfed for a year. Have you had your bloods done recently?
Still on medication 16 years later.

Any amount of breast milk is wonderful for babies, and you are doing a great job to express some for your baby. Even a small amount is great but please don't stress over this. In the long run it makes little difference, so what you e done so far is amazing. Switching over to formula isn't a failure. Having a healthy happy baby is the only thing that matters.

My first baby bf a dream and I declared myself an expert breastfeeding mum. I knew everything about breastfeeding and thought mums who didnt breastfed were too uptight to make it work or were so poorly advised.

Until my littlest came and utterly refused my breast. I tried it all and actually gained a little perspective of what mums go through to try and get their baby to feed. He was the happiest most content baby unless he was anywhere near a nipple when he screamed inconsolably. I would have been absolutely devastated if it was my first but because it was my second I knew that it wasnt my fault but just one of those things and I fell into a love/hate relationship with my pump, hated everything about it but so happy that it gave me the opportunity to feed my boy. There are fb groups for exclusively pumping mums which are very sensitive and offer great advice as no HCP in the UK seem very clued up on pumping.

1. Check flange size
2. Pump to schedule and feed baby after pump (or during on boppy pillow...GAME CHANGER!)
3. Pumping bra or sports bra with holes cut to have a hands free pump.
4. Your baby needs one bottle a day to get the benefits of breast milk. You are making 4! That's amazing.
5. If it's all too much, that's quite alright too. Your baby will thrive regardless of what they take and this stage will pass.

I would like to thank you all so much. This has helped me with focus on the positives of what I am doing: it’s easy to get bogged down in sadness and negativity.

I know I could exclusively formula feed him and he’d be none the worse but I really want him to have as much breast milk as possible for as long as possible.

I felt exactly the same. There was lots of tears and tantrums from both me and baby. He latched fine but would just lie there and not drink anything. I expressed for maybe 3 weeks tried everything but no sleep and a tiny 4lb baby, middle of lockdown, I gave up and went exclusive formula. I was only able to express max 2 bottles a day, it was brutal. I felt guilty for weeks after but then baby started to thrive on formula and it made life so so much easier with a little more "me" time.

You are perfectly within your rights to mourn though. Not every baby or mum takes to it. It's hard to swallow at first because it's so ingrained that breast is best but sometimes it just isn't. A relaxed happy mum and baby and a well fed happy baby is more important.

It's natural to be disappointed. The important thing here is that you ARE feeding your baby.

My first child got 14 days. 2nd & 3rd got 2 days. They are now teenagers. They are indistinguishable (in health terms) from BF children.

Try to be kind to yourself.

The one thing I wish is that breastfeeding teachers (for want of a better word) who take the Pre natal BF classes would just be told not to say bullshit like “every baby can breastfeed” and “if you try hard enough you will be able to breastfeed”. I know the message they’re trying to get across is “it might be hard but we will help you get there” but as a mum who was so keen to BF and whose baby wasn’t having any of it, all I felt was “I am failing at this most simple, natural part of being a mother”.
At my first ante natal class I had a head tilting HV saying “oh did we decide to bottle feed?” and I just said “well I wanted to BF and fully planned to but he (pointing at snoozing 5 week old) didn’t want anything to do with my breasts so if you have any comment on how I’m feeding you’d better talk to him about it”
But I am a stroppy bitch who was in my 30s - it might have been very different if I was a young mother or didn’t have a supportive family (or was just less of a mardy cow)

I’m so sorry that this has happened. You are absolutely allowed to mourn and I really don’t think breastfeeding grief and trauma are recognised enough.

I know it isn’t what you envisaged, I 100% understand your grief and am not trying to minimise it, but please know that loads and loads of women combi-feed! It’s very common and a great way to feed your baby. I’d say 50% of mothers in my friendship group combi-fed.

I know you’ve said you don’t need any more advice. But if you’re on Instagram there’s a lactation consultant on there under the name ‘milkmakingmama’. She pumped for 12 months for one of her daughters and she posts lots of useful information on there. And she does online consultations for a relatively small fee I think.

Pumping is incredibly hard work when you also have to look after a baby. I think you’re amazing.

The current antenatal system for teaching about breastfeeding isn't great for mums who have no choice but to use formula for whatever reason. I remember finding it really traumatic at the time.

I'm guessing they want to inspire more women to have the confidence to breastfeed and not give up but decent education on normal breastfed behaviour and what isn't a sign of a starving baby would be better.

If he's only 5 weeks and you've been pumping, the ship hasn't sailed afaik ... If you want to, obviously, you could possibly get into it.

I'm no expert but what if try (of you haven't already) I'd try to latch him on after he's had a bit of milk from bottle and is not v hungry, is relaxed etc.

In terms of pumping, I'd do it with a hands free like the freemie collection cups : which might be useable with your current pump, or an elbow on one side while you're feeding him (either bottle or breast) on the other. That way you'll pump more from holding him, smelling him, looking at his face etc too.

Just keep trying to put him on at every feed, make sure he's sort of wrapped around you towards the side you're trying to feed from with his nose clear, just hooking his mouth over nipple.

You've done incredibly well pumping that much - I combine fed from start. But just put baby on boob at start each time and built up. (Though I'd not do that at the minute or you because he'd be too hungry and frustrated).

*Elvie, not elbow!

It can take quite a while to get position and latch "correct" (for that particular baby) incidentally .. took me ages, and the advice/positioning from some of the presumably experts was not good at all - shoving baby's entire face, with nose covered, into my boob etc.

I had pressure off with combined feeding/formula, which many women do without the "you'll end up only on formula" issue which seems to be touted.

sandals honestly we have tried.

I do think he has negative associations with feeding from the breast now and without wanting to stereotype he’s also a lazy, hungry boy who wants milkies ASAP. He’s used to bottles now.

Repeatedly trying to latch him on (he’d do it, then come off then on again then off ...) he lost 12% of his birth weight, his nappies were bone dry, I was so miserable because I felt personally rejected (stupid I know but when it’s 2 am and you haven’t slept and a baby is frantically head butting you and sobbing ...) it’s just not worth it.

I don’t mind expressing tips it’s just I can’t face trying to breastfeed again and failing, it will break me.

In fact two midwives, one community and the other hospital based, being paid privately; forcibly shoved baby's entire face hard into my boob, with nose covered .. telling me it was how to feed.

The breast feeding support place for my area was bit better, but I was stuck in a small room with three or four women and their husbands (I hadn't brought mine in) sitting across from me at short distance, with husbands trying to avert their eyes and felt incredibly uncomfortable about having my boob, nipple etc out. I didn't want to make a fuss and appear all precious asking for a private area since all the other women seemed fine with the helpers going around the small room.

@Sandals19 that's very poor, husbands shouldn't have been allowed in. Not everything has to be open to men.

I don’t mind expressing tips it’s just I can’t face trying to breastfeed again and failing, it will break me.

I don't blame you, that's how I felt after a few weeks with ds1. It was just horrible trying anymore. I felt like ds hated me. I didn't have pnd and felt better as soon as I stopped trying to force him to bf.

Sorry, bit of a tangent there.

Op, it's obviously entirely up to you and it sounds like you've tried very hard, and pumped which many don't do.

It sounds like you've entirely breast milk fed (no combined feeding?) which is extremely tough.

Unless you're really set against it, is combi feed.

Pumping wise - best tips are holding bub, looking at their face, lactation cookies, fenugreek, relaxing/distracting music or media. Some pumping women in us listen to babies crying (!) But that's in work when they have no baby near them. Hands free like Freemie cups or Elvie. Hospital grade pump. I found spectra excellent. Double obviously, if not breast feeding at all.

If he's not hungry and relaxed you could try putting him near your nipple and see if he tried latching himself. Would save you so much pumping but I understand if you don't want to try that.

[quote shouldistop]@Sandals19 that's very poor, husbands shouldn't have been allowed in. Not everything has to be open to men. [/quote]
I was taken aback, there was no choice given .. as I said I suppose I could asked for private area but noone else had and I felt like I'd be being precious and a massive prude (or sort of victimising the husbands who were to their credit trying to look everywhere but at you).

It was in Letchworth garden city in Herts. and it put me off going back a second time.

Though tbh latch was something I ended up feeling I had to persevere with on own over time to get anyway.

OP I understand. 1 of my 5 babies found breastfeeding impossible, 1 found it very difficult and the other 3 latched on fine and fed like industrial vacuum cleaners. Some babies do find breastfeeding impossible and it's really hard.

It's very common not to be able to breastfeed for whatever reason.

It happened to me I just hired an electric pump and so my DS had my breast milk for the first 3 months.

With DD it hurt so much I gave up completely after a month and gave her aptimel and I was too tired to care at that point with 2 under 2