To feel grief over not being able to breastfeed

[Ahorsecalledseptember]

When I had my baby I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Baby had other ideas and we really struggled to latch him on: he’d fall off within moments and get increasingly frustrated.

He had a tongue tie snipped privately at 4 days old, saw a lactation consultant, had numerous ‘support’ from community midwives, nipple shields, skin to skin, the lot. It just wasn’t happening.

It’s hugely important to me he gets some breast milk so I’m expressing for him but it’s hard, hard work and it’s a struggle to make up four feeds a day. Some days I don’t manage to make enough milk for four feeds and then I feel so bad.

I just really wish I’d been able to feed him ‘normally’. I feel so stressed with bottles making sure they are sterilised and it really restricts our movements because I’m constantly having to think about expressing milk, is there enough for a feed, has he had enough, too much?

In the grand scheme of things I get it doesn’t matter but just now it really does.

I should point out Elvie is a pump, which is combined with the collection cup. You don't need pump, and can't use own.

Freemie cups - should be able to use existing pump if compatible. Just cups and tubing which are relatively inexpensive.

Hi OP, how old is your son now?

Had a similar experience and had to express for a week and finger feed and tried a syringe and everything.

After a week he learnt how to just about latch with difficulty but I had to train him and then for another 2 weeks for him to stop falling off the nipple every few suckles..

But then at around 1 month he became good at it and it became so much easier

Then we started with the cluster feeds and flow issues lol but in terms of latch it got easier

The whole thing became easier at around 3 months

My advice is find a very good lactation consultant. She used to defend me from the midwives who pressured me to formula feed

Also maternity nurses are really supportive.

If you want I can give you the name of my lactation consultant

Often times I feel soooo fortunate that I crossed paths with her that I feel like I want to send her flowers even 3 years down the road because she really helped reassure me when no one would

Has anybody suggested taking the baby to see a chiropractor for bodywork? My son was born in July with a complete tongue tie that had to be divided twice. He really struggled to feed as he couldn’t coordinate sucking and swallowing as he still didn't have full range of movement of his tongue.
I sat expressing for hours and despairing, I’d try to feed him and he’d just fall asleep because he was was exhausting himself. He’s got multiple allergies including milk and the prescription formula made him ill so I felt even more pressure. It took until he was 11 weeks to breastfeed full time and still going now.
Nothings unsolvable even though it feels like it is, you’re doing a great job as it’s bloody hard work.

I’m on 7 months of exclusive pumping and once your supply settles it gets much easier. I pump four times a day, when I wake up, lunch time while my daughter plays on her play mat, when my husband is giving my daughter a bath and then just before I go to bed. It is important to do one night pump to start with though although it is a pain!

Definitely make sure you have a good hospital grade pump, I’m using the Spectra. I started with the Elvie but it isn’t great for establishing a supply and leaks a lot.

There is a Facebook page called Exclusively Pumping UK Mums. It is wonderful, they will answer any and all questions and provide great support.

Your baby needs one bottle a day to get the benefits of breast milk. You are making 4! That's amazing.

I wish I’d been told that a few years ago when I spent months pumping round the clock - as well as formula feeding - to try and give my twins a little bit of breast milk each day from my pitiful supply. If I’d known they weren’t going to benefit from it (they got much less than a bottle each), I wouldn’t have bothered nearly running myself into the ground trying.

Just 50ml of breastmilk a day is enough for them to gain the immunity benefits from it, so if I were you I'd keep pumping as much as you can for now but put most of it in the freezer. Then once you have a good supply of it built up you can gradually reduce how much you're pumping.

*The current antenatal system for teaching about breastfeeding isn't great for mums who have no choice but to use formula for whatever reason. I remember finding it really traumatic at the time.

I'm guessing they want to inspire more women to have the confidence to breastfeed and not give up but decent education on normal breastfed behaviour and what isn't a sign of a starving baby would be better.*

This all day long. Mainstream 'support' for breastfeeding is all mouth and no trousers - HCPs and midwives and GPs with almost no experience of successfully supporting bf (much less of bf themselves) all shouting 'breast is best' and 'keep trying' and 'so beneficial!', but actually giving advice that is unhelpful at best and actively harmful at worst. You only get good informed advice from voluntary organisations in my experience, women who have been there - or in some amazing trusts where they have a proper, informed infant feeding service with lactation experts at the helm.

Most of what is provided by the NHS is of little use to breastfeeding women, and only serves to cement the impression of formula feeding mums that they are a judged minority (while in fact being in the huge, socially sanctioned majority).

I get it OP. I wanted to breastfeed so much, but DS was huge & hungry and my milk didn't come in until about 5 days after he was born. I felt like glass was slicing through my nipples and I didn't want to pick him up as every time I did he wanted to be fed. Looking back now I think it contributed to PND, especially as I was only 19 and felt like I had to prove I could look after this baby as I was so young. They wouldn't discharge me from the hospital until I could feed him so I ended up switching to formula.

I tried again when I had DD but she was also huge and the glass nipples happened again and she had to have her blood sugar levels checked at every feed. They wouldn't go up while I was trying to breastfeed her, and we couldn't go home while I couldn't feed/her levels were low. I felt like I was failing her at the first hurdle so I sobbed on a midwife and switched to formula for her too.

I beat myself up all the time that I didn't try harder. Now I'm having DC3 and have decided not to try to breastfeed as I know it won't work and I'll have even less support in lockdown/pandemic but I feel this huge guilt that I tried for the other two and can't for him. So I can't win!

Sorry for rambling on your thread, I hope this gets easier for you