To feel grief over not being able to breastfeed

[Ahorsecalledseptember]

When I had my baby I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Baby had other ideas and we really struggled to latch him on: he’d fall off within moments and get increasingly frustrated.

He had a tongue tie snipped privately at 4 days old, saw a lactation consultant, had numerous ‘support’ from community midwives, nipple shields, skin to skin, the lot. It just wasn’t happening.

It’s hugely important to me he gets some breast milk so I’m expressing for him but it’s hard, hard work and it’s a struggle to make up four feeds a day. Some days I don’t manage to make enough milk for four feeds and then I feel so bad.

I just really wish I’d been able to feed him ‘normally’. I feel so stressed with bottles making sure they are sterilised and it really restricts our movements because I’m constantly having to think about expressing milk, is there enough for a feed, has he had enough, too much?

In the grand scheme of things I get it doesn’t matter but just now it really does.

Yanbu, it’s perfectly normal to grieve, I was lucky in the end because it worked out but when things with bf were not going well I was teetering on the edge of devastation.

And well meaning comments like ‘there’s too much pressure to bf’, ‘we all had formula and we’re fine’ really didn’t help, I think some women have a deep natural innate need to bf which some people don’t experience. Hence why it’s easier for some people to ‘just switch to DF’ etc.

Note to prevent offence to people who’ve made different decisions re infant feeding. having this deep innate need to bf does not make you a better parent in any way, it’s just a thing.

Like with all grief though, time will heal, and expressing 4 bottles a day is incredible.

I really struggled to breast feed two of my children. I felt so guilty and put myself under immense pressure. There really was no reason to do that. They all had healthy childhoods and there is no difference between them . Strangely it was the boys who didn’t take to the breast but my daughter did. She has always been very determined! Just relax and enjoy your baby OP. My DIL never wanted to breastfeed and bought a Perfect Prep machine for the bottles which I am very impressed with.

@Ahorsecalledseptember

Unfortunately orange he had a lot more the. That, out of eight feeds a day at least four are formula, sometimes five. It says at the GP he is breastfed with formula top ups but really he’s formula fed with breast milk too ups I do try really hard to at least make sure it’s 50/50 though.

Current breast pump was £170 I think, I’ll look into hands free but when baby is fussing he wants to be picked up and that’s really hard with big flange things coming out of my chest!

I hear you it is SO hard. Hacking at an old sports bra so I could pump hands free really helped! Check you’ve got the right size flanges and you’re maximising the time you pump (ie first thing/last thing), I really do recommend power pumping. I contemplated buying a hands free pump because being attached to a pump for 45 minutes 3-8 times a day was so restrictive!

Thanks orange I’ll look now if baby gives me a minute !

It does matter because it matters to you.
I never ever wanted to breast feed because I didn’t want the pressure.
You haven’t done anything wrong not all women can breastfeed and maybe the stress your feeling isn’t helping.
He’s having milk be it breast or formula and that’s what matters.
Try and relax, babies pick up on tension and nerves and if it’s playing on your mind you’ll be over thinking it.

Thats part of grief, you try and try to change or adapt and there comes that point where you realise it can't be changed, you have to learn to live with it.

I know mums who've been there, direct breastfeeding didn't work out and then they weren't decently supported to express so it's two rounds of grief. Don't get me started on people told to go and triple feed with no support either.

Your feelings matter OP.

I went through this exact experience with both of mine. The first time I felt like such a failure and the "advice" from everywhere was to keep trying. It sent me down a serious spiral of depression - I couldn't even pump more than a dribble. The second time I was more prepared and i felt more able to accept the situation. I managed to breastfeed more this time but I didn't pump at all. The disappointment would have been too much, he was mix fed from early on. Both my babies had a small amount of breast milk, which I suppose is a positive, but they absolutely thrived on formula. Looking back now I was seriously let down by the "breast is best" brigade and the absolute refusal to believe that some mothers can't breastfeed that is touted. I did the best I could and I went in a deep depression because it wasn't good enough. If you were my mate, and I know I'll get my arse handed to me here for saying it, I would tell you to sack off breastfeeding and move forward with formula (or do some supplementary pumping if you want) knowing that you have done your very best and your child is loved and cared for.

@Ahorsecalledseptember

Thanks orange I’ll look now if baby gives me a minute !

This is where my hacked at sports bra helped!

I absolutely understand how you are feeling DD1 just would not latch on whatever we did and how we many breastfeeding support sessions etc we attended. People said it doesn’t matter but at the time it really really did to me and it didn’t matter what people said to me. I ended up expressing until she was about 6 months old with formula as well - the absolute worst of both worlds, expressing every few hours to keep my supply up and also sterilising bottles for formula. Awful but I wouldn’t stop, it was like an obsession. She definitely had more formula than breast milk especially in the early months. DD is now 11 and I look back and can smile at how bonkers I felt about the whole thing. When I was pregnant with DD2 I promised myself that if she wouldn’t latch we would go straight to formula as I couldn’t put myself through that again. She latched on immediately and we never looked back. Same with Ds1 three years after that. So I do think some baby’s just won’t latch whatever people tell you.

You are doing so well pumping and giving your baby your milk this way. That is hard work and you should feel very proud.

You will have already given your baby lots of the benefits from breast milk. I gave my baby expressed milk for 6 weeks until I was able to feed her using nipple shields. She also had a bad tongue tie snipped around 10 days old. As she got a bit bigger and had better control of her mouth and sucking, she began being able to latch. Using nipple shields helped her transition from the bottle to the breast and I used to pour a bit of the expressed milk onto the shield to encourage her to suck - that really worked! We did mixed feeding until I had established my milk supply and I could ebf.

Someone told me that you can create your own definition of what breastfeeding is. Feeding expressed milk from a bottle and letting them fall asleep on your chest will have so many lovely benefits for you both and even the same for formula. That closeness as they feed in your arms, near your chest will be wonderful for their development and your bond and you are able to be in control of that - whether you use breast milk or formula.

Good luck and truly, a fed baby with a healthy and happy mummy is the most important thing and will have the greatest benefit for the baby, more so than which milk they drink.

My first baby wouldn’t latch on either and it was a pain expressing etc.
With my second I had learned that I had quite flat nipples (I mean I knew I had them before but no one had mentioned it might be an issue but in my mothers group all of us with flat nipples had problems with latch) and that was what was causing the problem. I assumed I wouldn’t be able to feed but the midwife gave me a nipple shield which I used for a couple of months, maybe 6 weeks and then my second didn’t need it any more (grabbed it and flung it away one day) and I fed successfully for 14 months.
So if flat nipples are your latch issue, try the nipple shield.

You're doing incredibly well to pump 4bottles daily op, it's so restricting and difficult to manage baby as well as pumps. Please don't let the guilt take away the enjoyment of your newborn, you've tried your best.
I'd like to recommend the silicone breast pump though, you can get it really cheaply from Aldi as well and that was the only one I could get loads of milk from with very little effort.

Oh and my two are now 10 and 8 and no one would ever know that one had expressed milk for 2 months and the other fed for over a year.

I know so many people who have been in the same situation as you. It’s really tough.

My first baby breastfed fine. My second had a tongue tie and literally couldn’t latch. I ended up having to syringe feed her through those first few weeks. Tongue tie snip didn’t help much but what did work was cranial osteopathy with an osteopath specialising in babies (who was also a midwife so knew her stuff). My baby’s head apparently came out on an angle and her jaw was misaligned. Within a couple of days she was feeding fine. Might be worth exploring. I also got an Elvie wireless pump so I didn’t feel like I was in a milking parlour for several hours of my day!

Every bit of breast milk you can give your baby is valuable but that doesn’t mean every drop of milk your baby needs is breast milk. Mixed feeding can be a wonderful thing, your baby gets the benefits of your breast milk maybe once or twice a day but is perfectly fine on formula for the other feeds.

You’re right, this all really matters right now, you’re in the thick of it. But as others have said before you know it you’ll be weaning and this will all seem less important.

Been there @Ahorsecalledseptember and it totally sucks. I had a huge pph and my milk didn't come in at all, and was told I was starving my baby the night I'd given birth. I hadn't even bought a bottle as I thought I'd bf. I pumped day and night but to no avail. Don't beat yourself up, you're doing the best you can and in the grand scheme of things, it's such a small part of their lives. Your love and devotion is lifelong.

Just want to say, you’re a great mum, doing what you can and persevering as you are. My first child was awful at feeding fullstop, he wasn’t tongue tied but his tongue was always curled up, so made breastfeeding so difficult and even when he bottle fed, he took so long to feed at first. My second child was much better though and it was me that gave up after a while.

I felt exactly the same after my premature daughter and I couldn’t work out breastfeeding. She wasn’t strong enough to latch and then liked the bottles too much! I expressed for months and months so she did get breast milk but honestly it was very hard. I believe this and having an emergency c-section contributed to my pnd. I set myself up with huge ‘natural birth and breastfeeding’ expectations, I honestly thought it was my fault. It wasn’t, it was one of those things. 14 years later I can see that finally thank goodness!

Op be kind to yourself, the grief is natural and understandable. Enjoy your new baby, I’d love another one but I’m too old and too disabled sadly. 🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸 for you 💐

Hi OP - I understand how you feel. I couldn't feed my first and I went through that grief, but I did end up expressing for over a year. It was a lot of work but it mattered to me. How old is your baby now?

No they really won’t Y, trust me, I know the generally accepted view is all babies can breastfeed, this one can’t, or won’t.

That generally accepted view was what made me persevere with breastfeeding until my baby ended up in hospital with malnutrition.

You're doing a lot better than me, OP.

10 years later, I found out there was a reason for the struggle & all to do with baby, not with me.

I did eventually, through an incredibly laborious route of pumping and syringe feeding and breastfeeding, manage to work our way to full breastfeeding. She breastfed until she was nearly a year old and stopped naturally. Looking back, I now wonder if I did the right thing, or if I might have been better off sparing my strength. I don't know. At the time breastfeeding felt like the most important thing in the world.

I had similar problems with my little one. I had a Postpartum haemorrhage so my milk supply was late and low also had a very sleepy baby which resulted in a lot of weight loss. I had to give him formula tops ups after breastfeeding or pumping from 6 days old. Like you I am now formula feeding with breastfeed top ups, very disappointed. I was also a bit surprised how everyone just when oh well you tried!! Formula is fine! What I found helped with pumping is to massage your breasts I found I got more and it pumped quicker. Feel for the hard parts and push down towards your nipple in time with the pump!

At a breast feeding support group we once helped a stressed out mum whose baby wouldn't take her breast as she was so uptight. Baby was by this time way below birthweight.
We gave her a very stiff drink to calm her down, baby was offered my breast and once properly latched on and desperately feeding was transferred to mum who was very relaxed by this time. Baby fed happily and they never looked back.

There were tears all round that day.

You’ve done incredibly well @Ahorsecalledseptember. Your baby has massively benefited from getting your breastmilk. Well done. 🌷🌷🌷

Can I ask was baby prem? And actually how many weeks old is he? My 2nd daughter was born last week at 37 weeks and is still struggling to latch, I imagine it's going to be a couple of weeks at least until she gets the hang of it. Her sister was born at 35 weeks and wouldnt latch for at least 4 weeks. I had to do combination feeding with her expressing every 3 hours for the first 4 weeks and then topping up with bottles. It was absolutely exhausting and looking back on it now I dont think I could have done it long term as you end up spending all day and night either attached to a breast pump or making and sterilising formula bottles. That said you need to routinely expreas every 3 hours (day and night-night being most important between 11 and 3am for 15 mins on each side) in order to maintain your milk supply. My saving grace was seeing the tongue tie nurse at the hospital as I was having huge issues getting her to even want to latch and all of a sudden it just clicked (she didnt have a tongue tie she just needed a different position as I have massive nips). I would strongly advise you get a second opinion from another breastfeeding consultant, a good one is worth their weight in gold! You shouldnt feel guilty but it's totally understandable to as I was absolutely devastated when I wasnt able to just pick up my baby and feed her even though there was a valid reason for it and everyone kept telling me so.

Also as a side note my nephew really struggled to latch as my sister has inverted nipples, she tried everything and just wasnt able to do it. She decided to express feed only for 12 weeks and ended up with a massive oversupply issue and had mastitis for weeks on end as she found weaning down a massive problem. It severely impacted her ability to go out because she had to spend 30 mins every 4 hours of so expressing and looking back now she has decided shes not going to try again. Please try not to be too hard on yourself, you'll still be a fabulous Mum whether you can breastfeed or not.

How old is your little one OP?

It's fine if you dont want to continue expressing or try bf directly any more.

But if you do, there are still things you can try. Have you tried different brands of shield and made sure they fit you well? DD had expressed milk for the first two weeks before she managed to feed with shields and it worked best when she wasn't too hungry. She always went on better at night when things were calm and relaxing.

I know what you mean though. Some babies are "shit at feeding". Ds was great at it, it was hard as I was sore the first 4 weeks but then v easy, so I knew I was doing things right but DD was just worse at it. I managed to get her feeding using shields until 6m with a couple of stints where we did some feeds without shields, with a lot of help from an IBCLC, but it was hard work. I then expressed for another 6m until she was 1, I was lucky my supply was good. The expressing was an utter ball ache though, as I continue to do it in the night for ages beyond when she slept through, to ensure my supply lasted.

Now that she's a bit older I think her oral function was generally a bit shit. I'm proud of myself for the effort I put in but once they are are on food its easier to see that really it would have been fine to just accept it and give her formula.

Your feelings matter. How your baby is fed does matter because it matters to you. There is a book called Why Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma Matters by Professor Amy Brown. It might be helpful.

Absolutely second this. Don't let anyone tell you it doesn't matter, all that matters is baby is fed etc. It matters to you. Leave aside the endless debate of breastmilk vs formula; it's about what you envisaged being taken away from you and it's HARD. Same as when a planned natural birth ends up going a different way - yes it's important baby is fine, but YOU matter too and your feelings are valid and not to be dismissed/emotionally blackmailed away.

I wish you all the very best coming to terms with this. Just know you didn't fail, you tried your best, and what you have done already to get your baby as much breastmilk as you could is absolutely impressive and totally valuable. You could stop pumping tomorrow and that would still be the case. Do what makes you feel the most happy and brings you closest to what you want to achieve - be that continuing to pump (some good suggestions here already on making that easier on yourself) or going on to full formula feeding.

I really really feel for you, it's very hard and bf grief is very real. This is why it's so important that bf support is widely available and well publicised - so no woman has to go through what you are unless it really is not possible for her to breastfeed and she's had every opportunity to access good support.

Take care of yourself OP - remember you matter as much as baby does xx