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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you apply?

90 replies

LJD32 · 19/01/2021 21:54

An opportunity at work has come up to work overseas for 3 months. It is a once in a life time opportunity and would be amazing for my career. However it would mean leaving my kids and hubby for 3 months. I'm really torn because I want to apply but is it selfish to go if by some miracle I was offered the opportunity? I would also only have a few days notice before leaving? YABU - it's selfish don't go
YANBU - it's 3 months they will survive go for it!

OP posts:
Lockheart · 19/01/2021 22:01

What do your children and husband say? You need to talk to them really.

MissMarpleDarling · 19/01/2021 22:03

I cried everyday when mine went on their little residential trips for 4 nights so I'd say no but it's your choice 😂

SabrinaThwaite · 19/01/2021 22:06

If your DH is up for picking up the slack and the kids can cope, then why not? Skype / FaceTime makes life so much easier.

If the roles were reversed, how would you feel about it?

GoldfishParade · 19/01/2021 22:07

Men do this all the time and nobody flinches.

ellenleaves · 19/01/2021 22:07

Totally depends on the age of the children and their personalities- I'd have been ok with it in my teenage years. My dad was often away. I'd be excited if it was somewhere great we could visit halfway through!

As a mum, right now, no way I'd want to as my children are 5 and 7 and I know would miss me and I'd miss them.

Lockdowndramaqueen · 19/01/2021 22:07

Depends on the age of kids and support of dp. I say go for it. It’s once in a lifetime chance.

tensmum1964 · 19/01/2021 22:30

As others have said, how old are the children? How do they feel about it and what does your husband think?

Outdoorsywithgin · 19/01/2021 22:31

If your DH had this opportunity, would he go?

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/01/2021 22:33

Can’t hurt to ask. I did a 6 month thing that was similar and flew them out to visit for a week at the mid-way point. DH coped really well and said he gained new appreciation for fact that it’s much easier to raise children as a team rather than a single parent. He did have a single dad friend that mentored him through it though, so if you do go make sure your DH has support of some sort.

NameChange84 · 19/01/2021 22:34

I think if I remember right you have a 3 year old?

Way too young to be separated from a parent for a quarter of a year for an otherwise avoidable reason.

Plus the pandemic. It’s not like it will be easy for visits etc. You could get stuck overseas for longer. I wouldn’t.

ProudAuntie76 · 19/01/2021 22:37

If they are older teenagers, go for it.

My Dad worked away a lot when I was 7 - 9. It was awful. I pined after him and it affected our relationship.

CakeQueen87 · 19/01/2021 22:39

Depends on the age of your kids

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/01/2021 22:39

It’s only twelve 12 weeks. Assuming they will be in the safe hands of their father (and he is okay with it) then it will be fine. Do plenty of FaceTiming while you’re gone. If kid is young, maybe take copies of some of their favourite books so you can read to them and they can follow along.

emmathedilemma · 19/01/2021 22:44

It depends on where it is and how old the kids are. I agree with the comment that men do these things all the time and no one bats an eyelid. Would you be able to get home to visit or they could go with you? I've got a colleague who took pre-school age kids to live in a mud hut in Africa when his wife got an opportunity for a medical post out there for a couple of months, he took a sabbatical and they had a ball. My only concern would be if it's really only for 3 months because in my experience these things often drag on for longer, and if there was a longer term opportunity would you be willing to make that move.

Alternista · 19/01/2021 22:45

Not a chance, and I wouldn’t agree with my husband doing it either.

ProudAuntie76 · 19/01/2021 22:49

Impatient so did a user search Blush, seen your kids are only 3 and 5, sorry I think that’s really too young and unfair on little ones.

Any chance you could all go? Can you OH wfh overseas or take a career break? Presumably if he’d be doing all the childcare in the current circumstances then he is quite flexible? Could be an amazing adventure for you all.

Sittingonabench · 19/01/2021 22:58

This so one of the reasons men excel while women still struggle in attaining higher positions. For me 3 months is long but is not unmanageable and if it is an exciting opportunity which would develop your career then there would need to be a good reason not to do it. But I guess it depends on your personal circumstances, do you have husbands support, are children of an age to understand and be able to cope (especially given current circumstances) but if these are good for you then absolutely go and fly and take every opportunity to make the most of it while you’re out there, make new connections, learn new things, get it on your CV and be proud of it (excited for you!)

VimFuego101 · 19/01/2021 22:58

In normal times, sure. I wouldn't risk being stuck there for a much longer period or being unable to get back on a flight quickly for a family emergency, with the Covid situation.

SabrinaThwaite · 19/01/2021 22:59

My DH did it when we had small DCs, it was the nature of the job. They adapted, and we got overseas placements and travel on the back of it.

But if you do go for it OP, just don’t call your DH to tell him that you’re at the bar in the rooftop pool of your hotel, overlooking Copacabana beach, when it’s February in the UK and it hasn’t stopped raining for a month.

katy1213 · 19/01/2021 23:02

Men do this all the time. Go for it - it's only a few weeks.

motherstormy · 19/01/2021 23:09

Go Go Go

Pollaidh · 19/01/2021 23:22

In normal times I'd probably do it, assuming DH could manage the extra childcare (and homeschooling) on top of his usual share/get in extra childcare.

However... we're in the middle of a rapidly moving pandemic, with travel and isolation rules changing daily and unpredictably. I've had colleagues stuck in different countries from their families for months longer than anyone ever expected and it's been awful. Whilst I've never been posted away for that long myself, I do travel for work for a few weeks at a time and I have been stuck in the wrong country when there's been an emergency at home. It's the most terrible feeling, not being able to get to your children when they need you. And what if your husband caught Covid? Who would care for the children? What are the back-up plans? What if one child was ill with Covid and he had to be in the hospital with her, what would happen to the other one? Is there non-vulnerable family around, or would it mean foster care, which may be pretty scary for a young child. This is no worse than many single parents are coping with of course, so if you can find solutions, go, but personally I wouldn't in the current situation.

lunalulu · 19/01/2021 23:25

No way would I leave them all to go abroad for three months. Especially now. Whatever the job.

cherrypie111 · 19/01/2021 23:29

@ProudAuntie76

Impatient so did a user search Blush, seen your kids are only 3 and 5, sorry I think that’s really too young and unfair on little ones.

Any chance you could all go? Can you OH wfh overseas or take a career break? Presumably if he’d be doing all the childcare in the current circumstances then he is quite flexible? Could be an amazing adventure for you all.

How do you think parents in the army cope? They don't just quit for a few years until their children are old enough
cherrypie111 · 19/01/2021 23:30

Go for it!

This is one of the many reasons women fall behind in terms of work, look at the amount of people saying no to a 12 week trip because you're children are 3 and 5

It's 12 weeks, that's nothing.

Go otherwise you'll be kicking yourself for the rest of your working life