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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you apply?

90 replies

LJD32 · 19/01/2021 21:54

An opportunity at work has come up to work overseas for 3 months. It is a once in a life time opportunity and would be amazing for my career. However it would mean leaving my kids and hubby for 3 months. I'm really torn because I want to apply but is it selfish to go if by some miracle I was offered the opportunity? I would also only have a few days notice before leaving? YABU - it's selfish don't go
YANBU - it's 3 months they will survive go for it!

OP posts:

geekone · 20/01/2021 07:51

I couldn’t do this, I couldn’t not see my child or husband for 3 months. I wouldn’t want my husband to do this either. My DH is more than capable to be full time dad etc if needed but children have 2 parents and if it’s possible they should have 2. Not always possible I know.
No job is worth 3 months away from your kids. I have friends who’s husbands live in UAE and I have never understood how marriage and fatherhood can work only 6 weeks of the year.

AmyandPhilipfan · 20/01/2021 09:05

My husband did this before we had children and it was fine, but he didn’t do it without a thought as lots of people seem to think all men do. We discussed it and he did two similar length trips within a year. When a third opportunity came up I said I’d prefer he didn’t due to it stopping plans we had and so he didn’t go. Now we have children he wouldn’t even consider it for that length of time.

I have a 3 year old and I wouldn’t want to do this. It may be ‘only’ 12 weeks but that is a very long time in a 3 year old’s life. I am the biggest constant in my daughter’s world. She is a real mummy’s girl and I think if I left her she would be absolutely distraught. This is possibly due to her not being too close to her dad due to him doing shift work all her life. So for 3 days at a time he leaves early and comes home late so she sometimes goes those 3 days without seeing him. Therefore, although she loves him, she will naturally come to me to see to her needs. If I wasn’t there she would be very upset. Yes, she may cope but I wouldn’t want to put her through that.

Your family dynamic may be different and your children less reliant on just you but only you know how your children are likely to feel if you do go.

maddy68 · 20/01/2021 09:36

Mine were under 10 it was fine. Just Skype everyday. It's really only 12 weeks my husband managed perfectly well

Hotzenplotz · 20/01/2021 09:55

@cherrypie111

Go for it!

This is one of the many reasons women fall behind in terms of work, look at the amount of people saying no to a 12 week trip because you're children are 3 and 5

It's 12 weeks, that's nothing.

Go otherwise you'll be kicking yourself for the rest of your working life

Absolutely this.

StressedTired · 20/01/2021 10:00

"My DH is really supportive and said it would give him an opportunity to spend more time building bonds with them as typically they choose me over him."
This is a great reason for you to go and feel reassured - a bonus for both of you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/01/2021 11:17

Well, you have a supportive DH and your sister lives with you too so the children will still have 2 adults. DHs job has said they will support him as well. So I think you are in perfect position to do this.

As I posted upthread, I did go off for 6months and left my 4 DC with my DH. I also have no regrets and my DH coped fine by himself and with his friend C who is a single father supporting him.

I also did shorter trips twice a year of 6wks or so, and they all went fine too.

We used Skype a lot and I wrote each child and my DH letters and postcards. Sent little gifts now and then in the mail. Brought home gifts. On the 6 month trip, I flew them all put midway for a week and they had a holiday and I took a day off work so was with them Friday, Saturday and Sunday as well.

I think it is actually good role modelling that you can be a parent and still go off and do long work trips. I think a few long work trips is much better than another job I had that had me constantly travelling. At one point I was spending 3 days a week every week at the HQ in Paris. That was harder on the family than being gone for 6 weeks twice a year and a one time 6 month trip. So I left that job after a year as I was sick of not seeing them and living out of a carry on suitcase.

Hoppinggreen · 20/01/2021 11:19

No I wouldn’t do it but that’s based on my circumstances and my DC
If your set up allows it and everyone involved is supportive then you should

MustardMitt · 20/01/2021 11:27

I would do it, and although I obviously can’t be sure I am 90% certain DH would tell me to go for it too.

Original poster

LJD32 · 20/01/2021 11:30

I really do appreciate all of your messages and has given me a lot to think about (in a very short space of time). Thank you

OP posts:

riotlady · 20/01/2021 11:39

Your husband sounds supportive, it's only a one-off, go for it!

LazyName · 20/01/2021 11:45

Personally I think yabu and people saying men do this all the time really do they? I would say they would be being unreasonable too. No money/career opportunities in the world would make me or my DP leave the kids for 3 months!
But it’s your family and your career so you should do what you feel best

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/01/2021 11:53

I’d say men and women do this all the time. Yes in a % divide, it’s going to be more men than women. But this is not that uncommon for mothers or fathers.

LooseMooseHoose · 20/01/2021 12:00

My mum worked every other week abroad from me being 2 years old. It was my normal and I never felt less loved or that I missed out on anything because of it. What it has given me is an admiration for her and an ambition to thrive in my career and get the enjoyment out of working life that so many men just expect.

3 months is nothing. 12 weeks. DO IT!

Nicolastuffedone · 20/01/2021 12:11

GO!!!!

NerrSnerr · 20/01/2021 12:34

As long as it's not too much for your husband and sister to share all the workload. My husband works away but only usually 2 weeks at a time, that's enough for me as we don't have any family support around us so it's very relentless to fit in work, school and nursery runs but I can manage it for a couple of weeks (and I put up with it as the overtime he earns pays for extras like holidays). He wouldn't go away for 3 months as that would begin to negatively affect my work but if you don't think that'll happen in your case then go for it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/01/2021 13:01

From your updates, absolutely go.the kids will survive this with no problem and he can create better bond too. It's a win win. I know someone who was away from her kids for nearly 4 months and they all did absolutely fine. Lots of video calls, sometimes bit sad but kids are VERY good in getting over things like this.

As long as everyone is on board and everything is clear, go.

JM10 · 20/01/2021 13:03

I would absolutely go for it. I'd prob6regret it forever if I didn't

thekingfisher · 20/01/2021 13:24

I would also do it - you have a great support network. You can organise daily calls with the kids / presents treats etc from long distance. Honestly as lots of people have said this is a short term absence for much longer term gain. Go for it !

Hankunamatata · 20/01/2021 13:29

You have a fab support network. Go for it. Yes your going to miss them like mad but theres such great internet access. You can read stories online to them. Theres some lovely ideas from forces families of things you can do.

Hankunamatata · 20/01/2021 13:30

Military parents have to do it for people raising eye brows

Crowsandshivers · 20/01/2021 13:33

I couldn't leave a 3 year old.

bloodyhairy · 20/01/2021 13:36

Do it. You're an individual, and not only a mother.

WildOrchids67 · 20/01/2021 13:41

I say go for it. You have a supportive family, your kids are little and it really won't affect your relationship with them if it's only a one off. You have to take opportunities.

SaharanDust · 20/01/2021 13:46

I think that they could develop attachment issues . I would love to be able to do something like this but couldn't do it with young dc.

Tiredmum100 · 20/01/2021 13:50

Personally I wouldn't. I would hate to be away from my dc for 3 months at that age, well any age to be honest. Sounds like things would be fine in regards to child care if you did go. As another poster said, you could end up stuck somewhere longer than 3 months depending on the travel restrictions.

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