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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you apply?

90 replies

LJD32 · 19/01/2021 21:54

An opportunity at work has come up to work overseas for 3 months. It is a once in a life time opportunity and would be amazing for my career. However it would mean leaving my kids and hubby for 3 months. I'm really torn because I want to apply but is it selfish to go if by some miracle I was offered the opportunity? I would also only have a few days notice before leaving? YABU - it's selfish don't go
YANBU - it's 3 months they will survive go for it!

OP posts:
WhatKatyDidNxt · 19/01/2021 23:32

I vote go for it. If you were male then all you would hear us: it’s a great opportunity so you need to go for it!!! Different when hot female Confused

GreenTiles22 · 19/01/2021 23:33

Go for it! Sounds exciting!

cinammonbuns · 19/01/2021 23:33

A man would do it without even considering. Honestly not surprised with this response, for a site so ‘feminist’ they only seem to care when it comes to women doing things within the home and don’t care about women advancing their careers.

evenBetter · 19/01/2021 23:33

Twelve weeks. I’m sure your husband can parent the kids, and if reversed, no man would be typing on a forum about it, they’re allowed to opt out without anyone caring, so go for it.

StressedTired · 19/01/2021 23:35

I would do it, but only you know whether it would work for your family. When I was little my father worked overseas and either he came to us or we went to him every second weekend as well as us going to him during school holidays.
Where overseas would you be? An hour or two flight - you could be spending every weekend together. Other side of the world, tricky if the kids are very young.

JetBlackSteed · 19/01/2021 23:36

12 weeks is nothing. Go!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 19/01/2021 23:39

Sorry typo issue. I meant NOT female

KatherineJaneway · 19/01/2021 23:39

Would you have your days support?

WhereamI88 · 19/01/2021 23:39

3 months is nothing and it's actually easier when the kids are younger. Do it.

KatherineJaneway · 19/01/2021 23:40

Dh's not days

Original poster
LJD32 · 20/01/2021 06:57

Thankyou all for your messages. Sorry it has taken so long to reply I fell asleep! Yes children are young 3 and 6!
To those raising concerns about being stuck out there this is one of my major worries, it is a long way and requires 2 flights to get home.
My DH is really supportive and said it would give him an opportunity to spend more time building bonds with them as typically they choose me over him. His work have said they will support him with AL / Toil where possible My sister also lives with us and has said she is happy to take on school runs etc. We are all critical workers so luckily children still go to school / nursury!
As for the children I think my 3 year old would cope better than my 6 year old but was thinking if I do get it (which is very slim chance) giving them picture pillows which they and I can hug?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 20/01/2021 06:59

I went to work abroad for 4 months leaving my family. It's doable and I have no regrets.

maddy68 · 20/01/2021 07:01

It's only 12 weeks. People are being so harsh ! Plenty do it , if you were in the armed forces noone would bat an eyelid.

Darbs76 · 20/01/2021 07:05

Why not, as others have said if this was a dad no-one would judge, but I can assure you that you will be judged. My children’s dad has gone overseas to work for 3 years! And this isn’t his first time, he was away for 2yrs, then 1yr. Very unfair to the children, he’s putting his career ahead of the kids which I don’t think is fair. 3 months is different and if your husband is on board and can manage the kids go for it

devildeepbluesea · 20/01/2021 07:07

I think you should go for it. Your DH has good support and is willing for you to go so take him up on it. It's only 12 weeks.

Technology means that you'll still be able to see the kids, read to them, talk to them. And also look into the possibility of them coming for a visit, it can't hurt.

Original poster
LJD32 · 20/01/2021 07:09

@maddy68

I went to work abroad for 4 months leaving my family. It's doable and I have no regrets.
How old were children? Any tips to help them get through it? Xx
OP posts:
wellthatsunusual · 20/01/2021 07:09

If you think your children would cope, that's the deciding factor really. I couldn't because one of my children really couldn't cope with it. And yes, it is limiting. But if your children will cope ok then it's a different situation entirely.

Original poster
LJD32 · 20/01/2021 07:13

@wellthatsunusual

If you think your children would cope, that's the deciding factor really. I couldn't because one of my children really couldn't cope with it. And yes, it is limiting. But if your children will cope ok then it's a different situation entirely.
I really don't know how they will cope. My oldest is definitely more a 'mummys boy' and generally more emotional but the truth is I don't know as never been in this situation.
OP posts:
AppleKatie · 20/01/2021 07:13

Given that you would be leaving behind 2 adults you trust who are happy to care for your kids it’s time limited at 3 months and you could video call regularly then yes I think it’s worth the application!

waitrosetrollydolly · 20/01/2021 07:15

Military families cope with time apart like this all is the time. As long as your DH has your back I can't see a reason why you shouldn't go.

SimonJT · 20/01/2021 07:16

It depends entirely on the individual children, some children would be perfectly fine, others wouldn’t. You and your husband know your children and you know whether or not they would find it too difficult.

Have a plan with your employers in case it doesn’t work, a colleague had a six month stint abroad and one of her children really suffered, work were very awkward and took four weeks to give her permission to return to the UK early.

Whoopsies · 20/01/2021 07:17

I couldn't, and I really wouldn't want my DH to either. My dad did this type of thing often when I was a child and I do understand that it was a necessary part of his job that provided everything I needed, but it affected our relationship. As a grown up, we are not close. He is a warm, kind, nice man but we never speak and I don't feel much affection towards him.

Original poster
LJD32 · 20/01/2021 07:43

@Whoopsies

I couldn't, and I really wouldn't want my DH to either. My dad did this type of thing often when I was a child and I do understand that it was a necessary part of his job that provided everything I needed, but it affected our relationship. As a grown up, we are not close. He is a warm, kind, nice man but we never speak and I don't feel much affection towards him.
It really is a one off situation and would be the only time I did this if I went
OP posts:
Imapotato · 20/01/2021 07:44

I wouldn’t, even now mine are teens I wouldn’t leave them for 12 weeks. I’d be happy for DP to go though, so maybe I have double standards. But I’ve always been the main carer for the kids, working part time when they were young etc. It’s more important to me to be there for them than it is to progress my career. That’s just me personally though, not what I think everyone else should do.

We are all different. If your family is happy with you going and you feel it’s the right thing for you to do, then why not go for it.

Catty1720 · 20/01/2021 07:50

Not every man would do it without even thinking!!
I think it’s different because little kids depend on their mummy differently however if your husband and you think it’s doable then go for it. My DP wouldn’t want me to miss an opportunity to further my career and 12 weeks isn’t a long time but ultimately whatever the advice on here only you can decide. Just don’t regret it whatever you do life’s too short