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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask Nanny for weekly antigen test ?

140 replies

oliveoilandcheese · 19/01/2021 21:29

Is it reasonable to ask nanny to take a weekly antigen test ? I'm also happy to take one. I'll buy them myself and provide them. I just feel safer that way.

OP posts:
oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 12:21

@Babyboomtastic I went back and then left and now going back again.

OP posts:
oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 12:23

It's really a long story that I'm not going to get into. But it wasn't because I treating my nanny badly and she hated her life. It was my own situation.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 20/01/2021 12:26

Ok. So not mat leave then (as that's not possible). Seriously though, your level of anxiety about Covid and your baby (I suspect toddler) is not even vaguely normal, and I really think you'd benefit from getting some help.

Bear in mind that with something like health anxiety, part of that is likely to be not believing that you are overly anxious, so taking a barometer from other mums is useful. And you've done that here, and so now it should be more clear that your concerns about nanny and baby aren't within the normal range.

oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 12:31

@Babyboomtastic yeah definitely. I have health problems myself which make me vulnerable but it's also about baby.

OP posts:
TennisBunny · 20/01/2021 13:16

I like having a routine in my work, I'm sure this applies to most other Nannies - I'd suggest actually making a specific time to come and play, if you can.

A typical day would be:
Get the child up, get ready, have breakfast, play a game, go outside (weather permitting) for some fresh air and exercise. Come home, lunch, nap, activities in the afternoon (ideally something social like a playdate, meeting at a park, toddler group etc), snack, games then dinner and bath routine.

If we were not allowed outside, that's a huge, huge amount of time to fill indoors - child gets stir-crazy, I get stir-crazy - it's not healthy for either of us.
One of the key things for babies is to get exposed to new experiences and sensations - that's how they learn and develop.
It's really important for them to socialise too. I worry about all these children stuck indoors because of Covid and the long term damage this is going to cause on their development, especially their social and emotional development).

Working alone is very different to working with your boss around. It can feel quite tense, and can be disruptive.
What you're describing is known as a "shared-care" job which will attract different applicants than a "sole-charge" job. Most Nannies vastly prefer sole-charge.

It sounds like you've a lot going on, but your newest posts seem a bit more reasonable and it's great if you're looking to find ways to make it easier for the Nanny.

I think you need to relax a bit about the Covid stuff (the fear monger poster who said about deaths in her community needs to give their head a wobble, what a thing to say to an anxious new Mum) - children are extremely, extremely low risk - the risk of long term damage cause by lack of socialisation, and growing in a fearful environment is far higher.

TennisBunny · 20/01/2021 13:20

I will note that this has touched a bit of a raw nerve for me.
I used to work for a Mum who had a very severe health anxiety - I was allowed to leave the house once a day with the baby, for one hour, to walk alone in the countryside (next to the house) - but couldn't walk where there were other people, enter buildings, walk on the streets etc etc. After 8 months of that (plus a load of similar rules) - I left, and I'm sure I have PTSD from being locked in that house all day, every day. (I was live-in)

And right now, I'm working for another Mum with another health anxiety. 3 year old boy - we're banned from playgrounds, shops, streets, toddler groups (this is an area outside of the UK which is Covid Free btw), playdates and anything social. We're rarely allowed outside if the temperature is below 12c.

I will be handing in my notice very shortly - right now, I owe her some hours for leave and I don't want to leave her in the lurch as she's actually absolutely lovely, and very relaxed in other ways - but I cannot spend all my time trapped in a house with a 3 year old. I very much worry for his social and emotional development as he has no friends (just a couple of older children who he sees maybe once or twice a month) and never gets to see or play with kids his own age.

oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 13:25

@TennisBunny that sounds awful I'm really sorry. My baby is under 1 still but I do worry about the same things. I don't take her out much and she's never been to the playground or anything. I want to get her a swing for our garden but it's not the same. I do worry about the impact and just

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 20/01/2021 13:28

@TennisBunny

I will note that this has touched a bit of a raw nerve for me. I used to work for a Mum who had a very severe health anxiety - I was allowed to leave the house once a day with the baby, for one hour, to walk alone in the countryside (next to the house) - but couldn't walk where there were other people, enter buildings, walk on the streets etc etc. After 8 months of that (plus a load of similar rules) - I left, and I'm sure I have PTSD from being locked in that house all day, every day. (I was live-in)

And right now, I'm working for another Mum with another health anxiety. 3 year old boy - we're banned from playgrounds, shops, streets, toddler groups (this is an area outside of the UK which is Covid Free btw), playdates and anything social. We're rarely allowed outside if the temperature is below 12c.

I will be handing in my notice very shortly - right now, I owe her some hours for leave and I don't want to leave her in the lurch as she's actually absolutely lovely, and very relaxed in other ways - but I cannot spend all my time trapped in a house with a 3 year old. I very much worry for his social and emotional development as he has no friends (just a couple of older children who he sees maybe once or twice a month) and never gets to see or play with kids his own age.

😱 The poor kid. I have a 3yo and can't think of anything worse.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 20/01/2021 13:29

I can't let a stranger take my baby out by themselves.

It won't be a stranger. It will be your nanny.

Good luck finding one. I don't know any that would agree to work in these conditions being confined to the house unless accompanied by the mother.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 20/01/2021 13:31

OP are you CEV?

You sound excessively worried - have a read of the stats relating to Covid in under 40s. It doesnt change that its very serious for older people and those who are vulnerable but you personally are likely to be very low risk of getting it severely.

oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 13:38

I am CEV

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 20/01/2021 13:51

@oliveoilandcheese

Well *@TennisBunny* *@Blondeshavemorefun*

Can you give me some more tips then how I can make the nanny happy ? With my previous one I spent quite a bit of time with her during lunch etc and really enjoyed our chats. I hadn't really considered that this may be intrusive. But as I work from home and I want to be around my child sometimes, I would be around. Again, not micro managing. Just around, spending time with them and having a laugh. Can that be too much ? Sometimes if I would have the afternoon free, we would all play together. Have cups of tea and we got to know each other quite well. I guess maybe the line was blurred between employer employee. But it was never an issue. I fear that it could be a problem in the future maybe. Hopefully not.

If you want to spend time with child and no work. Let the nanny go home

No need for both if you to look after one child

You say your child is under one abs already you have been through one nanny

Why did they leave ?

How long. Was she there for

In the end if you make very clear nanny isn’t allowed out alone and they accept job then fab

I couldn’t work for someone like that

You say nanny would ask if she could move baby in the room

That is not normal nanny behaviour

Daphnise · 20/01/2021 13:58

I think the nanny should require you, and everyone in your household to have the same test weekly before she agrees to enter your premises.

It works both ways- your tone is rather patronising Lady of the Manor, you know!

TennisBunny · 20/01/2021 13:58

[quote oliveoilandcheese]@TennisBunny that sounds awful I'm really sorry. My baby is under 1 still but I do worry about the same things. I don't take her out much and she's never been to the playground or anything. I want to get her a swing for our garden but it's not the same. I do worry about the impact and just [/quote]
It was horrific.
I just remembered there was another job where I wasn't allowed out - baby was 6 months. (Non Covid times).
There is only so much you can do with a baby indoors - I would spend 4-6 hours a DAY holding her (as she wasn't allowed to cry, and she wanted to be held all the time) and walking in circles around the dining room table singing. There was nothing else to do. I lasted 4 weeks before leaving. The parents were agog as to why I didn't want to spend 12-14 hours a day looking after a baby without ever going outside, doing groups, meeting other children.

You need to really weigh up the risks of Covid vs the benefit of her socialising with other babies. There's loads of research on the importance of socialisation, these early years are absolutely pivotal.

TennisBunny · 20/01/2021 14:00

@NameChange30

The poor kid. I have a 3yo and can't think of anything worse.

I'm going back in 2 weeks and I'm absolutely dreading it. He's a gem of a child and his Mum is lovely, but there's only so much you can do indoors and away from other people. He's very advanced in many areas - but I'm expecting him to have a lot of difficulty at school with the socialisation aspect.

TennisBunny · 20/01/2021 14:01

@Daphnise

I think the nanny should require you, and everyone in your household to have the same test weekly before she agrees to enter your premises.

It works both ways- your tone is rather patronising Lady of the Manor, you know!

I wouldn't say she's got a Lady of the Manor tone Confused - is that just because she can afford a Nanny?
SpudsandGravy · 20/01/2021 14:08

@daisypond

I’m not sure about this. What if she doesn’t want to? Are you going to sack her?

Yes, in that situation I'd sack the nanny if she wasn't willing to have the test.

Doesn't want to? FFS...

SpudsandGravy · 20/01/2021 14:09

Having said that, the Lateral Flow Tests seem to be pretty much useless.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/01/2021 14:09

Your Original question was fine

I wouldn’t have a problem with a weekly test

oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 14:11

@Daphnise yeah definitely will do the test too so it's a non issue. I've tried to be pretty open and just looking for some advice. Not sure why I have that tone to you. Some of you are just enjoying telling me I'm unreasonable and a bad employer and horrible to nannies. But some of the posters want to see me as the lady of the manor type. It's a lot more complex than that.

OP posts:
movingonup20 · 20/01/2021 14:18

I'm more concerned about your anxiety around letting your would be nanny go for a walk outside without you. A nanny that's actually trained is likely to be pretty offended that you are not comfortable with such basic activity. Most agencies will advise you on what is appropriate to ask and what is not as well - you need to keep within the law. Under covid restrictions much of your anxiety is understandable but you need to try to imagine ahead to when this isn't the case and hire the right nanny for then, not just the only person to cooperate with your current demands

oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 14:22

@movingonup20 yes definitely and if you've read my responses - the thread has really helped me see that I need to let the nanny out for sure and I very much plan to do so and to generally get more of a grip of it. I've said this a few times now.

OP posts:
oliveoilandcheese · 20/01/2021 14:25

Sorry I feel I worded that really badly. ' letting the nanny out' sounds terrible. I didn't mean it that way at all. I just mean get the nanny to do her job and part of that will be taking the baby out on her own.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 20/01/2021 14:26

[quote oliveoilandcheese]@movingonup20 yes definitely and if you've read my responses - the thread has really helped me see that I need to let the nanny out for sure and I very much plan to do so and to generally get more of a grip of it. I've said this a few times now. [/quote]
The thing with health anxiety though, is that you can't just plan to get a grip on it -- it's the kind of thing that needs outside help and support, which I truly do hope you choose to access.

You can TELL yourself that you're going to get a grip on it. but I'm sure you're aware you can't just use willpower to overcome genuine mental health issues.

movingonup20 · 20/01/2021 14:27

I've been a nanny and the family left me to care for their dc how I felt was appropriate, they interviewed, background checks etc to check me out then I did a trial day with the mother present. As you work from home there will be more interaction but you should get ground rules worked out as to responsibilities, autonomy etc. It was normal to take the baby out twice a day btw, just streets

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