To not make my son food he likes all the time

[Jambalaya76]

Long story short, ds2 (8 yr old) is an extremely fussy eater! He never used to be this bad. We have brought him up the same as ds1 (12 year old). He was baby led weaned and would eat most foods. But as he grew he developed a very sweet tooth and a dislike for most meals I made.
If it's not the taste he doesn't like, it's the texture, or the smell, or it's too this or that, there's always some complaint. The only food he will always eat without fuss is ham sandwiches, chicken nuggets or a Sunday dinner.
Over the years, I have always made us all the same meals, in a hope that he would grow out of it. Me, my Dh and ds1, love all kinds of meals and enjoy a balanced diet, always cooking from scratch, and I think I'm an alright cook. If ds2 didn't like it, we would say "fine, don't eat it, but you're not getting anything else until supper". But it would come to supper time, and he would often request two suppers as he was that hungry. Then I became worried that he was eaten the wrong sort of food as supper is cereal/ toast kind of snack before bed, not a main meal.
He has an odd/ quirky personality and is currently being assessed for autism, so because of that, I made the decision to start tweaking his food to his tastes, to make him happy and get him to eat. So now I spend loads more time tweaking mess ( so they don't include onions or other stuff he doesn't like), or I will make him something I know he will definitely eat but tweak it to make it healthier ( chicken nuggets with veg etc).
It takes me more time to do all this, but he STILL has complaints about the food I make.
AIBU to stop the nonsense and go back to cooking one meal for all of us, as it seems like all the effort isn't getting us anywhere. Or should i persevere bending over backwards (it seems) to make him what he likes, even though he will still complain and not eat it all????

Mine did baby led weaning and happily ate all sorts of foods. I was such a smug mom feeding my baby steak and broccoli. Until one day she started gagging at textures and just stopped eating. Eventually it got to the point she would rather starve than eat the wrong brand of something.

She did eventually get an autism diagnosis. It’s tough with bright kids who mask well because diagnosis is often delayed. It was a huge relief.

We still offer new foods, but we also make sure to have the few acceptable food items on constant rotation because she really does struggle to eat anything else and some things are just impossible.

@CoronaIsWatching

In my day you would get what you were given and made to eat everything on the plate regardless if you didn't like it, and this was the same at school

Kids too spoilt these days

Same in my day, that's how I ended up in hospital.

In my day you would get what you were given and made to eat everything on the plate regardless if you didn't like it, and this was the same at school

Kids too spoilt these days
Same in my day, that's how I ended up in hospital.

Me too!

@Gilead

In my day you would get what you were given and made to eat everything on the plate regardless if you didn't like it, and this was the same at school

Kids too spoilt these days
Same in my day, that's how I ended up in hospital.

Me too!

And me three!

@CoronaIsWatching

In my day you would get what you were given and made to eat everything on the plate regardless if you didn't like it, and this was the same at school

Kids too spoilt these days

My son has been tube fed for the last 18 months because his diet is so restricted.

He can’t be in the same room as people eating certain foods and even the mention of others make him panic.

He would and has gone days without eating before and that was when he knew he had free access to safe foods.

@Jambalaya76

Great advice everyone and I can relate to a lot of you. We had dinner tonight, chicken casserole. We adapted his meal so that it had no onions or mushrooms. We had to make it separately, but it was totally worth it as he ate the lot, zero fuss! This is a first for a long time!! Let's see what tomorrow brings. I understand that not all kids come away from CAMHS with a diagnosis, we are quite expecting this, as even though he displays all the behaviours at home, school see him in a different way. I think he behaves different at school as there is a lot of structure, but yet has meltdowns at home. We are still waiting for the school to send in their assessment, so we will see what that says

Mine are exactly the same and the paediatricians say without school evidence they can’t do anything although they totally agree with my concerns. The school say that, while they can see what I’m saying and the boys totally tell the truth when asked, and that they are ‘impulsive’ and ‘quirky’ they don’t have enough to report to the paediatricians. It’s so frustrating. Which is why I have always gone with my gut and made mealtimes as stress free as possible. I don’t want food to have any more negative connections than it already has.

I make my DCs meals they like. As a “fussy” eater myself I won’t force food on my children. Tweaking meals dosnt take too much of an effort. One of them also has food allergies now so I now work around that which is a real freaking pain as this dc will eat anything and wants to try new foods all the time but they can’t, and they are too young to understand why.

The older ones 6 & 8 won’t eat fruit or vegetables, havnt since they were babies. 2-3 times a week I will add a couple of small bits of veg, literally 2 roasted slices of carrots or 1 piece of baby corn. My deal with them is that they try and eat as much as they can, they don’t have to eat it all but I want them to give it a go. I’ve got to the point now where I don’t need to ask they will automatically eat some, 1 will even it it all now.

They will give new foods a go when I ask but I always serve a meal they will eat, I don’t force them to try new stuff all the time, DH and I will offer something we are eating sometimes they are open to it other times they aren’t.

Every few weeks we do a tapas night, food I know they will eat and new foods for them to try if they want. We’ve had a few wins doing this. They will even give things a second go without us asking just to make sure they definitely don’t like it. They understand over time their taste buds change and they may like things they didn’t previously.

The way I look at it is I don’t like food being forced on me or people criticising my likes and dislikes so I won’t do that to my children.

The first thing that sprang to my mind is this is my 10 year old autistic son a couple years back. We are not much better now but I have a better understanding of his conditions. Please research ARFID I think it will really help you understand the eating. It's so common with autistic children.

Dd (now 15) has ASD, but HF. So mainstream school, very active in team sports (having been very active in a solo sport first) etc.

But food has always been something of an issue here. Textures, changing tastes very quickly etc. She was always on the lower half of the centiles, but when on medication dropped to 2nd centipede for a few years. So we were doing everything we could to get calories into her - including a full fat milk based hot chocolate (often with squirts cream and/or marshmallows) or large glass of hot or cold milk going to bed every night until about 3 years ago.

And mixed in with a lack of appetite and issues around tastes and textures, it was also the only thing she could control at times of other stresses...so she would insist on very specific things or else just not eat.

So like you, I would have to turn around and cook a different dinner to that planned, or a different dinner for her. (Luckily DH and I are fairly adaptable and no other DCs to consider). At the end of a working day, when dd was tired and possibly hungry too, on top of other things going on for her.

We learned to have things she would eat always available, like putting cherry tomatoes on the table to eat as part of hot dinner if she wanted. Or handing her a pepper to munch on while dinner cooked (she eats them like an apple). Making a tub of a particular pasta salad she likes to keep in the fridge so she can help herself.

One of the best things was when she learned to cook for herself - it means I can't get into the kitchen to cook our dinner, (and we don't often eat hers as she likes serious levels of chilli at the moment and I can't eat that) but she will eat a proper meal. And she has control over it so it reduces stress levels in 2 ways, less chance of "hangry" happening, and she is actively doing something she is in control of so other stresses can reduce while she is occupied and focussed on cooking.

But adapting meals, like taking out her pasta and putting the sauce beside it on the plate before mixing sauce into pasta for DH and I, making a tomato sauce but then putting some into a 2nd pot to have just sauce or just add chicken rather than red meat for her, doing completely 2 different meals (but usually trying to have some element she would eat in our meal so she might take some), putting the pot in the middle of the table for everyone to serve themselves (and potentially take 2nd helpings) so there is more personal control etc.....have all become normal for us. And having things she will eat in the fridge or freezer (she used to eat certain M&S kids meals, and now likes a few "count on us" meals) to give her a different meal at short notice if necessary.