To not make my son food he likes all the time

[Jambalaya76]

Long story short, ds2 (8 yr old) is an extremely fussy eater! He never used to be this bad. We have brought him up the same as ds1 (12 year old). He was baby led weaned and would eat most foods. But as he grew he developed a very sweet tooth and a dislike for most meals I made.
If it's not the taste he doesn't like, it's the texture, or the smell, or it's too this or that, there's always some complaint. The only food he will always eat without fuss is ham sandwiches, chicken nuggets or a Sunday dinner.
Over the years, I have always made us all the same meals, in a hope that he would grow out of it. Me, my Dh and ds1, love all kinds of meals and enjoy a balanced diet, always cooking from scratch, and I think I'm an alright cook. If ds2 didn't like it, we would say "fine, don't eat it, but you're not getting anything else until supper". But it would come to supper time, and he would often request two suppers as he was that hungry. Then I became worried that he was eaten the wrong sort of food as supper is cereal/ toast kind of snack before bed, not a main meal.
He has an odd/ quirky personality and is currently being assessed for autism, so because of that, I made the decision to start tweaking his food to his tastes, to make him happy and get him to eat. So now I spend loads more time tweaking mess ( so they don't include onions or other stuff he doesn't like), or I will make him something I know he will definitely eat but tweak it to make it healthier ( chicken nuggets with veg etc).
It takes me more time to do all this, but he STILL has complaints about the food I make.
AIBU to stop the nonsense and go back to cooking one meal for all of us, as it seems like all the effort isn't getting us anywhere. Or should i persevere bending over backwards (it seems) to make him what he likes, even though he will still complain and not eat it all????

The supper doesn't sound like a good idea.
Have you tried going without that?

My 9 year old is autistic and has the same issues with food.
I just give him something I know he'll eat.

For example the other day the rest of us DH, DD7 and I had lasagne. DS had a bowl of pasta, sweet corn and cheese. It has the main food groups so I don't worry about it anymore. If we have something with rice I'll chuck some fishfingers in for him.

I wouldn't pander but would try to incorporate something that he likes. Only giving him what he likes will just enforce his preferences.
I totally get sensory issues ( I work with children who have sensory issues) but just allowing children to eat what they want is not healthy. Even NT children have been described by their parents as having ( non diagnosed) sensory issues and insist that the school complies with their (non) sensory issues.
Try not to fall down that trap.

Agree with others - I have 2 picky eaters and one who eats everything. Eldest picky eater will however eat Mexican, chinese, Indian based foods and spicy things but does hate many meats and veg (all texture issues). Youngest picky is chicken nuggets and chips, pizza and a packed lunch. I, like you make a mixture at meal times - I always make sure there is something each person will eat but try and mix it up, I also expect the kids to source an alternative if they don't like the plan....eldest will get bread and butter to go with a meal as he doesn't like potatoes, youngest will get a chicken wrap instead of the curry and then they'll eat the rest of the meal (yes, cheese wrap, rice and poppadums! Or steak pie, sweet corn and bread and butter!
I don't mind throwing some chicken nuggets in for someone if the oven is on and timings work. If prepping fajitas, we would keep chicken with minimal spice and then do a veg mix with onions and spices to add to the fajitas for those who want it.

"If they're hungry they'll eat" - yeah, good luck with that.

Its not like a normal child being given the choice between delicious chocolate and disgusting vegetables. It's more like being given the choice of "something you can eat" or "something you physically can't". As an autistic child I ended up going hungry so many times, my parents were in despair.

(If it helps, as a 40 something I now have a balanced diet - though sadly its taken me about this long to manage it).

To be honest if he is being assessed then I would be tempted to treat him as though he has autism when it comes to food, until you know for sure.

There are some great resources available to help with food issues in autistic children. I would recommend [[https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/stories-of-extreme-picky-eating-jenny-friedman/1136740793] Stories of Extreme Picky Eating] for example, but there are loads about.

My main tip would be to keep the dining table as low stress as possible. Food battles are likely to make picky eating worse rather than better.

I always make sure that there is a "safe" food on the plate, and I make sure to introduce new foods very often to take away the novelty of the situation, and I present new foods without comment. Be aware that you might be introducing new foods 10 times over before he even tastes them if he has an extreme aversion, and that's okay.

Practice saying "you don't have to eat it" and keep the pressure low. If he is autistic you might also be able to seek support for his eating.

Good luck!

What happens if there is something he dislikes - does he avoid it altogether or have a small portion? I have one fussy DC and get her to try a tiny bit of whatever it is she doesn’t like. I was a fussy child and my parents did the same and it did work. I eat everything now, love food and get annoyed by fussy adults!

I’m 29 now and the only time I’ve ever eaten absolutely everything given to me is when I was on purée food. But before that on breast and bottles I didn’t take much, and afterwards I have always been extremely fussy. I’ve never been assessed for autism but have had therapy for ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder). It basically means I cannot try new food that I don’t deem to be ‘safe’ because my body just goes into fight or flight mode and rejects it/makes me sick. I won’t eat any fruit/veg/salad etc, hate onions. It could be texture based, smell, just the look of something. It varies really. I just can’t bring myself to try new foods. My diet has opened up a little in the last few years and I eat a few more bits than I used to but not by much. Majority of what I have is plain carbs - bread, pasta, rice. I eat a lot of chicken and a lot of dairy (milk and cheese mainly) some people have arfid a hell of a lot worse so I count myself lucky I can eat what I do but if it’s anything like that, or autism, it’s not going to be fixed by putting a plate of food in front of him and expecting him to just learn to eat what everyone else does. I remember as a kid my parents used to make Sunday roast and would tell me I couldn’t leave the table until I’d eaten my veg, they never forced me as such but I would sit there until it was stone cold and they gave in because I couldn’t do it.
As long as you know he’s eating, let him try new foods in his own time. Hope you get the answers you need soon!

@Jambalaya76

I have lately been making mess he likes, but then every 4 days or so, I will make is all the same mea in a hope he will Like it. Tonight was homemade potatoe wedges ( didn't like them, too overcooked), homemade baked beans ( he thought they were ok ish, didn't eat much of them) and chews and bacon crispy cakes from Aldi. He loves cheese, likes bacon, likes breaded things, but he didn't like these because they were too mushy! This is an example of me trying to accommodate his tastes but getting it totally wrong! He is now eating two bowls of cornflakes. Back to the drawing board

I learned that adapting things doesn’t work at all with mine. If it’s even a bit different then it might as well be completely different. I’ve spent years trying to blend veg and sneak similar but different food in and it always always doesn’t get eaten - in fact it makes them start to distrust everything I cook. If they can tell the difference between brands of frankfurters they are going to refuse anything more different than that.

I give mine what they will eat. It’s a humongous faff as it means I do 3 different meals for each of the children and then a meal for H and me, for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There is only one meal we all eat and that’s burgers (the boys and h have theirs with buns, ds2 and h also have chips, dd and I have burgers sans buns, I have salad and dd has chips and salad), which I do fortnightly on a Saturday with a movie as a treat.

Mine has ASD and would be very fussy given the chance. He would happily eat only beige food and never try anything new. This isn't because he can't possibly eat other foods (and as your son didn't used to be fussy this suggests it's the same for him) but because he gets mixed up with his very favourite foods and food that aren't his favourite. He thinks that because foods aren't his very favourite thing he doesn't like them. When he started going like this I would say to him, you don't have to eat carrots any more but if you want to give up that vegetable then you need to try a new one to replace it. It generally turned out that he could tolerate the old vegetable after all.

I wouldn't be making separate meals for everyone but if there was something I knew he'd never liked I would leave it out of the recipe. He will narrow and narrow what he will eat if you let him though in my experience until he even starts getting fussy about what crap he will eat. I have a nephew like that and it got to the point where he didn't really eat anything unless it was mashed up like baby food or full of sugar.

You’ve said he likes Sunday lunch. Does that mean he’ll eat veg? Roast potatoes? Roast meat?

I’d try getting rid of supper and give him a carb, protein and veg you know he’ll eat. You can add a scoop of whatever you’re having onto the plate too. If he’ll eat meat, potato/bread and veg, does it really matter if it’s very samey?

Obviously all Autistic children are different my child has severe autism and learning disabilities ,he will eat different things often off my plate ,but with some children it's not that easy,I let my son eat what he will eat but if he decides he wants to try my meals that's fine ,what I'm saying everything is available but I always provide his favourites

I forgot to add that he is also colourblind and can only see blues, yellows and the rest of the colours are a mixture of beigey browns. I don't know whether this has any influence on the foods he likes.

The advice to treat him like he is autistic until told otherwise is probably the kindest way to tackle this.

About supper. I don't eat supper myself, but dh always has and the boys do too. It's just a small snack before bed ( or should be!)

My DD is fussy so she eats part of our meal. if I make chicken curry - I cook the chicken and potatoes separately without the sauce for her. I give her the pasta without sauce and put the sauce on the side for her to dip.

Maybe I’m indulgent but it works fine with no real extra work for me.

I agree with building on the things that he likes. DS is 8 and has in the past year started to try new foods and the meals he eats have really expanded. I started serving foods I knew DS liked in different ways. Eg he eats chicken nuggets, so instead of doing them with chips I’d serve with a jacket potato or in a wrap. Roast dinner has lots of components you can use in other meals, eg will he have whatever meat he likes in a pie with gravy and roasties? Will he eat toad in the hole?

I do adapt meals to suit DS. For example he won’t eat many cooked vegetables but he’ll happily eat lots raw so I just don’t bother cooking his, he doesn’t like roast potatoes so he has mash, he doesn’t like onions so I either blend his or leave them out if I can. Occasionally I want to have a meal I know he won’t touch so he has freezer food and I think that’s fine. Does he like to be involved in the cooking? DS started trying a lot of new foods whilst cooking with me during lockdown, I gave him a lot of choice in choosing recipes and ingredients as long as they were fairly balanced meals and it’s given us a lot more foods that he now enjoys.

Please respect his likes and dislikes where you possibly can. Show him he's important by working round his requests, encourage him to compromise by having grown up conversations about meal options. You may find that once meal times are no longer a source of tension, his demands may become less. Pick your battles.

I have a picky eater with sensory issues and I only ever cook one dinner for all of us and serve all the components separately buffet style. I always ensure that there’s something that he can eat on the table. For example, if I make spag bol, I serve spaghetti, sauce, grated cheese, bread and butter and milk, and he helps himself to as much or as little of everything as he wants. For a long time it was only bread and butter and milk. I also always serve a pudding - which can be anything from fruit and yoghurt to ice cream or crumble - but only one helping of pudding is allowed. Even if he only has bread and butter, milk and pudding, he has at least had some protein and carbs, and it stops you from having to make separate meals.

Sympathy from here - dc2 is fussy, dc1 can be in a more limited way. I snapped when there was only spaghetti bolognase they would all safely eat.

I make a range of meals. I will accept alterations like swapping out the rice from Thai chicken for a wrap (dc1 fav, I think it sounds horrible) or if I've served 2 or 3 veg options, they don't have to have a bit of them all if dc2 wants to eat 3 portions of peas and no other veg with a meal, I'll take that.

I have stopped plating up as much as possible and just put out serving bowls to help themselves, but there must be some protein and veg on their plate.

There is free access to fruit and a range to choose from. If they've not eaten dinner, supper later is veg sticks pitta and hummus.

Some things I don't have the battle with, eg I know no matter what dc2 won't eat curry or any Indian food. I've tried, its not happening. So I tend to serve that the night after doing something pasta based that dc2 loves and.save left overs to reheat.

Suddenly you'll do something new and they'll love it and it will feel like the biggest compliment.

The colour issue will surely be having an impact.

I always had a thing about gristly meat , the texture , as a kid and was forced to eat it. Now as an adult, meat full stop makes me gag.

My son is autistic and when it comes to food he is very much an extreme case.

I wouldn’t let it turn into a battle. Keep meals calm and simple. Feed him what you know you will eat but provide opportunities to try new things - on a separate plate, or even “family dining” where everyone helps themselves to things.

If it’s to do with textures and sensory things then sensory play away from food can help just to get him used to touching different things.

As frustrating as it can be don’t let him see that. If it becomes a battle of wills then he will win!

As well as trying to build on his tastes, you can let him do it in his own time. I don’t have or want children so feel free to disregard my view, but I’ve always assumed that for the most part, children are just miniature humans and fairly similar to adults (albeit not the best drinking companions at the pub and with less impulse control) and have preferences they should be allowed to be in exercise if it isn’t to the detriment of anyone else.

I’m not autistic or fussy or awkward with food - I’m just not particularly bothered about it unless it’s in a restaurant or someone else is cooking, and also I’m thirty-fucking-four and I make my own choices and if I want Cornflakes for dinner or cream of tomato soup for breakfast or the reheated lentil stew I batch cooked last week for two meals a day five days in a row, then I can have them.

So, if DS would happily eat reheated portions of roast dinner that you batch cooked and then froze, every day for his dinner, would that be a possibility, at least in the short term? There are definitely worse things he could eat, and I’m fairly certain nobody ever died because they didn’t vary their dinners enough. (Things are looking bad for me, if this turns out to be untrue.)

It must be so difficult for you all. But if he will eat a roast dinner he will eat staples and roast dinners are quite rich. Would he eat things like toad in the hole because he likes Yorkshire pudding? Or roast potatoes with something other than roast meat? Or vegetables with something else?

I have an autistic child who is 12. Lockdown has helped with some of his food issues as we have had time to eat together as a family. He enjoys preparing food and cooking which has helped. We do similar to what you have mentioned OP and use ingredients we know he likes and incorporating it into our meals.

Tonight we had homemade soup, he won't really eat tinned soup as he likes to know what is in meals so we use a powder veg soup mix as the base but then he peels and chops potatoes and carrots and we add chicken. He absolutely loves that and it means he is getting something healthy. We struggle with his weight as he is quite limited on what he eats for healthy lunches/breakfasts, he also becomes obsessed with certain foods, especially if he knows its available (like chocolate or cakes at a particular shop we are going to).

He also likes to make his own chicken nuggets, so chicken breast dipped in breadcrumbs, he makes wedges to go with them so it feels like a treat meal but its not really. He loves making it so is keen to have it

He would live on frozen nuggets, spaghetti bolognaise or steak before.

My mother tried the ‘she will eat if hungry’ tack. I ended up in hospital. That was over forty years ago.