To not make my son food he likes all the time

[Jambalaya76]

Long story short, ds2 (8 yr old) is an extremely fussy eater! He never used to be this bad. We have brought him up the same as ds1 (12 year old). He was baby led weaned and would eat most foods. But as he grew he developed a very sweet tooth and a dislike for most meals I made.
If it's not the taste he doesn't like, it's the texture, or the smell, or it's too this or that, there's always some complaint. The only food he will always eat without fuss is ham sandwiches, chicken nuggets or a Sunday dinner.
Over the years, I have always made us all the same meals, in a hope that he would grow out of it. Me, my Dh and ds1, love all kinds of meals and enjoy a balanced diet, always cooking from scratch, and I think I'm an alright cook. If ds2 didn't like it, we would say "fine, don't eat it, but you're not getting anything else until supper". But it would come to supper time, and he would often request two suppers as he was that hungry. Then I became worried that he was eaten the wrong sort of food as supper is cereal/ toast kind of snack before bed, not a main meal.
He has an odd/ quirky personality and is currently being assessed for autism, so because of that, I made the decision to start tweaking his food to his tastes, to make him happy and get him to eat. So now I spend loads more time tweaking mess ( so they don't include onions or other stuff he doesn't like), or I will make him something I know he will definitely eat but tweak it to make it healthier ( chicken nuggets with veg etc).
It takes me more time to do all this, but he STILL has complaints about the food I make.
AIBU to stop the nonsense and go back to cooking one meal for all of us, as it seems like all the effort isn't getting us anywhere. Or should i persevere bending over backwards (it seems) to make him what he likes, even though he will still complain and not eat it all????

If he's not able to sit still at the dinner table long, try a wobble board on the chair.

I have a 15 year old with ASD. He's very particular about his food, but his diet has greatly improved over the years, at one point he'd only eat from a list of 5 foods which lasted over 2 years. We put a small bit of something he wouldn't eat along what he would. 9 times out of 10 he'd ignore it, but when he did pick up/sniff/lick that food, we ignored it as if it was the norm.

Don't restrict his diet by forcing him to eat stuff he won't. For you it might seem small, but to him it could be torturous.

@WineIsMyMainVice my husband wouldn’t touch anything like that and would just stay hungry. Your son obviously isn’t that picky.

That sounds like such a great approach OP. After all you want him to look forward to eating with you and not to feel anxious about it. Mealtimes are so important as the years go on and its the main time you all spend together.

His meal time behavioral sounds a lot like my autistic DS. I wouldn't change anything until you get his assessment, as if it comes back that he is autistic, you are going to have to seriously reframe how you look at his eating, and possibly a lot of his behaviour. There's a world of difference between pandering to a picky child and making adjustments for a disabled child.

If he's autistic then he's not choosing not to eat what you cook, he is unable to because of his sensory reaction to it. Try thinking of it this way, if he was allergic to eggs but you and the rest of the family wanted Spanish omlet for tea, would you "bend over backwards" to make him something he could eat, or would you leave him to go hungry and only let him have "a small snack" several hours the rest of the family have eaten.

I know it must be difficult to except that your DS may have a disability that's remained hidden for so long, but I feel so sorry for the poor boy being punished and starved for something he can't control.

I can't see if anyone else has mentioned it here, but I have had most success with trying new foods in between meals rather than at mealtimes.

Presenting them with an unfamiliar food when they were hungry massively increased the anxiety around trying them - they wanted something familiar because they were hungry and I had cooked a whole meal and didn't really want to cook something else if they didn't like the new element. So we were all over-invested in the situation and the stakes were too high.

Trying new things outside mealtimes really took the pressure off - we could cook together and not be stressed because I was not trying to get a meal on the table as well. We could take the time to try different versions of the food (e.g wedges in different shapes, cooked for different lengths of time, salted/unsalted, skin on and off, crinkle cut etc) and then it's more of an experiment as in 'how are they different and what has made that difference?' rather than the binary options of liking it or not.

I also had to get over my idea of what a healthy diet involved. My two would always eat something from each food group, so I had to put aside my preference for them having variety in favour of their preference for eating familiar and 'safe' foods. They did get bored of something every so often, which led to a natural desire to try something new, but if they hadn't, they would have been getting everything they needed, it was just a bit boring.

I also encouraged them to prepare their own food as much was possible and age-appropriate. I explained that I didn't mind if they wanted to eat the same things, but that I would appreciate help preparing them so that the burden of accommodating that didn't fall solely on me. They understood and were usually happy to help. On days that they didn't feel like it, it incentivised them to try new things.

Providing scenarios where they genuinely saw the benefit of having a broader diet was definitely more successful than any of the many other angles I tried as well.

We talked about the kind of food that they see on cafe menus etc and they were quite keen to try things that they might be able to eat when out. Likewise, they love a picnic, so are more willing to try things like sausage rolls etc when I explained that I would be more inclined to go on picnics if they liked some foods that were easier to prepare/transport/eat than their current favourites.

I try to be honest with them without manipulating them or making them feel guilty - I want them to have a wider diet, but not at the cost of our relationship, but I do give them some idea of the extra work involved in making them different foods so that they see the wider benefits of being able to eat a broader range i.e that we have more time to do other things and (in non-covid times) that it makes more fun stuff accessible if we can be flexible about food.

They cook for us now - mostly they won't try it, but they love making us dinner and it's a really low-pressure way for them to play with new ingredients, get used to the textures and smells of food with no pressure to eat them or even anticipation that they might! It's definitely made them less wary of some foods that they had some pre-conceptions about so I live in hope that we will one day find a meal that we can all eat together!

Wow - sorry for the length! I so feel for picky eaters and their parents (having been both) and I hate the idea that it's anyone's 'fault' which clearly leads to some degree of rambling!

My sister and her family ended up eating cheese and tomato pizza for years and years with occasional garlic beard as a change.

She now wishes she’d just fed her eldest son what he’d eat and they’d had their own meals.

Her eldest now at 30 eats a wide range of foods but till he went to university it was basically pizza. He is autistic.

"Garlic beard" made me smile.

Yeah, pizza is so easy to bung in the oven while you make a nice meal for everyone else.

It sounds like your son could be autistic and if so, sensory issues with foods textures and smells is something you will have to live with. I have a 13 year old with ASD. Its typical that people with ASD will only eat a limited range of foods and be extremely adverse to others eveb the smell. I went on an OT food course for ASD and they said if you can get them to try one new food a year you are doing well.
I cook different dinners every night, usually mine and DH's from scratch and then either one or two other meals for my DC. Its just what I have to do so that they will eat. Yes its a pain to do but there is no was my 13 year old would eat the majority of meals we do. No way, never. The rule about kids will eat if they are hungry does not apply when your child has ASD. You may well have plenty of battles going forward, fighting over mealtimes just simply isnt worth the hassle. Just cook him what he will eat and encourage other things but dont force the issue.

Just read your last post. The getting up and not using cutlery Sounds very typical for ASD. Just let him do what he needs to do its not behavioural, he isnt being disruptive. Its part of his disability

I also find the 'they'll eat when they're hungry' advice to be inappropriate for any child. Subjecting someone to extreme hunger in order to force them into eating food that they do not like seems unnecessarily cruel and I don't really understand why a parent would want to subject their child to that.

I'm not setting out to be cruel. I'm just a parent who has no clue what to do. There seems to be no real support out there and a waiting list for the help that is available. This is why I have posted on here. I don't want to do any more harm than what may have already been done. To be honest. The assessment for autism is so slow and no real way of contacting CAMHS for any ad hoc support. It's a case of "dont ring is, we will ring you". Sad really

I’m not autistic but I had a lot of food problems when I was younger and would only stick to the same food. Mine was because anything that I ate made me really ill which has now been diagnosed as severe IBS and IBD. My diet now is better but I still eat foods that I know won’t trigger me.

I was a fussy child and still dislike some stuff, although I eat a lot of things I wouldn't touch as a child.

I try and make the family meals palatable for everyone as I also have fussy children

But in our family there is definitely a difference between what our children and I prefer not to eat and what we don't like.

For example one child doesn't like mince meat meals but will eat it. However they definitely won't eat mushrooms. This child also loves veg so whilst they do have to eat some mince meat meals like spag Bol I won't make them eat mushrooms

My ds is also incredibly fussy. He’s also awaiting assessment for autism. He’s almost 12 so it’s been a long wait.

I adapt meals where I can and provide an alternative if it’s something he won’t have. So today we’re having shepherds pie. He won’t eat that and I can’t adapt (he doesn’t eat mash, cooked veg or things mixed together) so he’ll probably have scrambled egg in a wrap.

When we have spag Bol, he has one with no veg and added lentils.

If we’re having a roast he has potato waffles instead of roast potato and raw carrot instead of veg.

He tries new things but if they don’t work, there’s no fuss. He can have toast/cereal/fruit (though he only eats apples and strawberries and v occasional grapes) at any time. All ‘nice’ snacks are locked in food safes as he has literally no off switch for chocolate and sweet things.

He also doesn’t eat with us as he can’t handle the noise of other people eating or seeing food go into mouths.
Since I took away all of the barriers (he eats alone, he has food he likes, he can’t fill up on junk) he eats more and it’s way less stressful.

I’d suggest you try and adapt where you can, but provide something quick and easy where you can’t. Our sub meals are chicken dippers/fish fingers waffles/smiles and spaghetti hoops, scrambled egg wrap, rustlers style microwave burger or plain pasta with cheese.

Autistic children can be so hypersensitive to tastes and textures when it comes to food, that the mantra "they'll eat when they're hungry," really, really doesn't apply.

With our two we did (and in the case of the youngest still) make separate meals for them. Having been an extraordinarily fussy eater myself (and yes, the other ASD-type traits also appear to be inherited from me) I knew making mealtimes a battleground wouldn't work, and would just lead to misery for all of us

So long as they were eating a balanced diet I didn't worry that it was very limited and I just tried to make sure they had plenty of milk and vitamin supplements.

With no pressure to try new foods they would occasionally try a mouthful of something different. Sometimes they'd say it was "alright" (which was a good sign) but a lot of the time we'd get: "I don't like it." We'd just say: "Well done for trying it."

As time went on the range of foods they were happy to eat increased and the eldest was eating normally from around 13. In fact, if she goes to a restaurant (not now obviously) she'll try to pick something new to her.

The youngest is now 13 and the amount of meals we eat that he will is increasing steadily so I have high hopes that we'll get there eventually.

I know other people thought we spoiled them and we should have been firmer but it worked for us.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as is or isn’t diagnosed. When I was seeing multiple paediatricians re ds1 they told name that only 50% of those they see will get a diagnosis, even tho they are all 100% displaying behaviours. They said some (including ds1) may not get a dx based on a very rigid box ticking system and things thing him presenting as having PDA rather than ASD and PDA not being recognised here. The paed said it didn’t mean he didn’t have all the same issues and genuine problems. Just that he won’t have a label to attach to it. I was told that he was just going to go under a non diagnosed header of ‘complex needs’. They said treat him as if he has a dx as we all know his challenges are as real as the others.

So don’t get too hung up on an is he isn’t he answer. Just parent the way which works for him.

My DD is autistic. As a child she ate about seven foods, until she was 21. Now she's added in stuff like a roast dinner, lasagna, a full breakfast and other things that she can eat when out with friends. I know people on here are anti limited eaters but I don't see what difference it makes to other people. If you force the issue, you will create further food issues and you don't want him living on cornflakes.

Great advice everyone and I can relate to a lot of you.
We had dinner tonight, chicken casserole. We adapted his meal so that it had no onions or mushrooms. We had to make it separately, but it was totally worth it as he ate the lot, zero fuss! This is a first for a long time!! Let's see what tomorrow brings.
I understand that not all kids come away from CAMHS with a diagnosis, we are quite expecting this, as even though he displays all the behaviours at home, school see him in a different way. I think he behaves different at school as there is a lot of structure, but yet has meltdowns at home. We are still waiting for the school to send in their assessment, so we will see what that says

Look at AFRID or ARFID. He is restricting because of his condition. My autistic son eats most things but will not eat fruit. He will eat apple crumble but not an apple. Won't touch a tomato, cucumber, strawberries but will eat some lettuce if loads of dressing on. And he loves food and eating out.

In my day you would get what you were given and made to eat everything on the plate regardless if you didn't like it, and this was the same at school

Kids too spoilt these days

Perfect behaviour (or "masking") at school is normal, followed by exhausted meltdowns at home.

Can't believe someone has trotted out the "in my day" line when lots of us of all ages have said we were like this as kids

Clearly you know Jack shit about autism @CoronaIsWatching🙄

I can tell you that 40 years ago my parents struggled with me, and almost 80 years ago my dad's parents struggled with him.

I'm so sorry - I totally didn't mean to imply that you were cruel to be at the end of your tether with the situation and feel like you might as well not bother trying! I meant those posters who always crop up on these threads to imply that the parents of fussy eaters just need to be stricter!!