To not make my son food he likes all the time

[Jambalaya76]

Long story short, ds2 (8 yr old) is an extremely fussy eater! He never used to be this bad. We have brought him up the same as ds1 (12 year old). He was baby led weaned and would eat most foods. But as he grew he developed a very sweet tooth and a dislike for most meals I made.
If it's not the taste he doesn't like, it's the texture, or the smell, or it's too this or that, there's always some complaint. The only food he will always eat without fuss is ham sandwiches, chicken nuggets or a Sunday dinner.
Over the years, I have always made us all the same meals, in a hope that he would grow out of it. Me, my Dh and ds1, love all kinds of meals and enjoy a balanced diet, always cooking from scratch, and I think I'm an alright cook. If ds2 didn't like it, we would say "fine, don't eat it, but you're not getting anything else until supper". But it would come to supper time, and he would often request two suppers as he was that hungry. Then I became worried that he was eaten the wrong sort of food as supper is cereal/ toast kind of snack before bed, not a main meal.
He has an odd/ quirky personality and is currently being assessed for autism, so because of that, I made the decision to start tweaking his food to his tastes, to make him happy and get him to eat. So now I spend loads more time tweaking mess ( so they don't include onions or other stuff he doesn't like), or I will make him something I know he will definitely eat but tweak it to make it healthier ( chicken nuggets with veg etc).
It takes me more time to do all this, but he STILL has complaints about the food I make.
AIBU to stop the nonsense and go back to cooking one meal for all of us, as it seems like all the effort isn't getting us anywhere. Or should i persevere bending over backwards (it seems) to make him what he likes, even though he will still complain and not eat it all????

my vet once said that you don't get fussy cats, just fussy owners in relation to cat food. Disagree slightly (I get to clear the litter tray), but if you allow DS diet to get more and more restricted, you're not really doing him any favours.

@WineIsMyMainVice ha ha ha oh my good really? If only it was that easy eh? I am married to a very fussy eater. His mum took him to the GP in desperation after taking that stance and he hadn’t eaten a morsel in 4 days. He was hungry but wouldn’t eat something he didn’t like. I have seen him stay hungry for 48 hours when the food on holiday wasn’t suitable.

@user1471538283 DS eats sausages and Yorkshire puddings but won't eat toad in the hole He can be funny with textures and it is different to the small crunchy yorkies i guess.

My sons are colour blind too. I actually find it helps sometimes as I can sneak frozen chopped spinach into a cheese omelette and ds2 can’t see the green from the yellow egg and cheese very browned under the grill. It all looks brown to him. Ds1 just thinks everything is brown, blue or purple.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay, you obviously don’t really understand Autism.

@WineIsMyMainVice

My philosophy has always been if they’re hungry they’ll eat.

Some autistic children don't even recognise their own signs of hunger or feeling ill, so they would just not eat, or pick at a very small range of foods that they were able to tolerate. It's a bad idea. And it's very inconsiderate of children's needs.

Honestly, it's not that difficult to adapt your main meal to suit the needs of an autistic child. I have spent many years doing variations on a single meal (for 2 autistic children). Sometimes it means cooking different parts of the meal separately then only combining for those who want it. I often have a pan of onions and mushrooms that cooks separately to the mince.

If he's autistic then it's best to feed him what he's happy to eat and allow him to try other foods if he wants. If you force the matter then you'll just make it stressful and he'll regress. My mum went through a phase of making fresh pancakes every dinner time because that's what I'd eat. Fed is best. Its not hard to make a ham sandwich and if he gets jealous that you're eating nicer looking meals then it'll encourage him to try it on his own terms.

I also think the stance of "either eat what I'm offering or nothing at all" is perfect for causing eating disorders. The feeling of hunger becomes synonymous with the feeling of power and being in control.

[quote BashfulClam]@WineIsMyMainVice ha ha ha oh my good really? If only it was that easy eh? I am married to a very fussy eater. His mum took him to the GP in desperation after taking that stance and he hadn’t eaten a morsel in 4 days. He was hungry but wouldn’t eat something he didn’t like. I have seen him stay hungry for 48 hours when the food on holiday wasn’t suitable.[/quote]
Maybe I am just lucky but tonight for instance I did a frozen salmon puff pastry thing from Aldi. I was sure My son wouldn’t eat it so I just did loads of extra veg for him. He also didn’t eat much last night so I knew he was hungry. However he gobbled the whole plate up!

@WineIsMyMainVice
Maybe I am just lucky...
You have hit the nail on the head there.

Great advice.
Will he eat soup?

If so, a bowl of pureed goodness will be easy to give with his favourite bread.
I always made good stocks for soup, they are full of goodness.

Work around the roast. Expand it slowly.

This tip was a life saver for my friend whose son didn't like onions and garlic.

She pureed in the liquidiser white onions and garlic, until they were like a slushy.

She poured them into silicon cupcakes holders, froze them, and then was able to pop them into dishes where they added flavour but were undetectable.

He is very texture orientated by the sounds of it with being colour blind. Ham sandwich everyday for lunch - exactly what my kids take.

Mine are sensory seekers so they will eat veg but had to be crunchy so carrots etc literally have to be blanched.

You could make sunday dinner do for monday and Tuesday for him with leftovers and some extra veg. So 3 days without moans.

If he has sensory issues then YABU. You're just introducing stress into both of your lives that is unnecessary.

That doesn't sound a very attractive meal, to be honest - and those cheese and bacon things from Aldi probably are mushy inside!
A Frenchwoman once told me that each of her children was allowed to dislike three things; they could reset their list at intervals (not every week!) but if they wanted to veto something new, then they had to start eating whatever they disliked least from the original list. It seemed to work and they ate a much wider range of food than most English kids.

As a child I found many types of food, both in terms of texture and taste unpalatable, to the point of vomiting. My parents were of the "finish what's on your plate" school of thought, and as a result I have a phobia about certain foods, and I'm very restricted in terms of diet.

I'm not saying I'd be eating everything if they'd taken a different approach, but I think I would be better than I am. As I result I was keen to never force my children to eat food that didn't like, we would re-try food they had refused after a few weeks as they were growing up, but always just "one spoon" rather than "finish it all".

They all have some food they don't eat, but they all eat a good range, including fruit and veg.

If your child does have autism then a more gentle approach will undoubtedly be needed, but even if not, sometimes neurotypical people like myself can develop quite extreme food phobias and rigid diets due to both taste & sensory issues, especially coupled with a harsh approach.

Same as @PietariKontio above - there were textures and tastes I just could not manage without gagging as a child and making me sit at the table all afternoon staring at the plate did not help. My mum cooked around what I could tolerate until my dad stopped her.

Can you speak with your son, not in a way that gives him all the power but in a way that recognises he finds many foods difficult, so he needs to pick 7 meals he will consistently do his best to eat?

If he's autistic I'd leave it.
If it turns out he's not. No way would I.
My 2yr old started to become fussy. Along with a 1 Yr old who until a few days ago didn't eat at all! Not even a yoghurt.
8yr old Dsc is fussy.
Myself dh and my teen aren't

We now cook 1 meal for all. If they don't eat it. That's it no puddingnor anything. I started this new year and they now miraculously eat most of what I give.

I found that 1 dc only liked pasta one only wanted veg dinners. One liked crap dinners. And I was no way being a cafe. Not on top of actually even trying to get 1 mouthful in the 1 Yr old.

So far it's working.

Maybe wait till your ds assessment is done

Fwiw it wasn't foods they disliked for a good reason. More a don't fancy that or prefer other things.
If a new meal I get them to try.

I find mine are unable to adapt. So each have 3 meals they will eat. If a new one is introduced and embraced, one gets discarded. I often make the mistake of thinking ‘ah at least that’s another meal to add’. then they will refuse one previously liked. Their brains can only tolerate 3 meals at one period of time. sometimes one of the better meals will be replaced by something much less nutritious.

Also I cannot use one thing from one meal and mix with another to make a 4th option. As everything is only tolerated in the balance with the other ingredients. For example ds1 will eat homemade pizza with hidden veg tomato sauce and Turkey salami. Homemade burgers and white bought seedless buns. Egg noodles and griddled chicken breast. But I couldn’t put chicken on the pizza, or salami or chicken in a white bun. Or melted cheese or tomato sauce on anything else. Nothing is adaptable.

My dh is autistic and had a very limited diet until I met him at 19: no sauces, reliant on junk food, couldn't really cook, barely ate any vegetables. He will now try a really large range of things: some of the stuff I introduced him to he'd never tried, as his family had decided in advance that he wouldn't like it, or had, conversely, made stuff a big battle ground to eat 'oooh you are missing out on...you should try it with', etc.

I think I'm trying to say he may grow out of it. Have things available for him to try, but try not to make it a massive deal.

One thing I would say about mine which I’m not sure if you mentioned OP. Is they are willing to try everything. We put our food in the middle and they often ask what it is and show interest, then we ask them to taste it and usually they will (if it’s dry and not too soft looking). But they always say they don’t like it. I don’t remember any time they’ve said ‘mmm yes I’ll eat that’. But they try. They try for my benefit really because they know I want them too. But if they never ever like it then what’s the point?

If he's autistic I'd leave it.
If it turns out he's not. No way would I

It's not as cut and dried as that, it's possible to have sensory processing disorder without autism.

These are all very useful pieces of advice from everyone.
So tonight we made him a different meal to us. It's a faff but maybe worth it. I bought him some mini Kiev's as he mentioned he loved them when grandma used to give him them (pre lockdown). He had them with chips and carrots and buttered bread. We had fish and chips. We never made a fuss, kept things calm, even when he started eating with his fingers (always telling him to use knife and fork, but he prefers fingers!!!) And we even kept calm when he was up and down at the dinner table. He just can't sit down for long. Kids were happy, but me and dh were biting our tongue at his bonkers mealtime behaviour! Never a dull moment!
It goes against my grain to allow him to be like this at the dinner table, but if he can't help it, what else can we do but accept it and hope for calmer and happier mealtimes to come

Can you compromise? Ie. All eat potatoes and meats, and you have chicken, and Gp him chicken nuggets? Sometimes I do this. My dc doesn’t like fish, so dh and I will eat fish, and dc2 will have chicken nuggets.