Life in the SE

[Metafizzical]

I moved to live in the SE (just outside zone 6, 20 min train to Waterloo) with my DH. We have been here for 13 years. We are both originally from the North.

We live here due to his work. My work can be found anywhere. I have supported him through two international moves (always returning to SE in UK) and numerous years of working abroad whilst I worked part time, looked after our pre school DDs and exhausted myself in the meantime.

Despite all our hard work and owning a house of 900 k, it is still a little house and not ideal. Seriously....to own a property here is so fricking expensive.

If we moved north (I.e. Derbyshire or S Yorks) again we could have family nearby, a house double the size mortgage free, potentially private schools for our kids. But he won't realistically do this. He won't look for other jobs and neither of us are too keen on him commuting but it is an option we haven't entirely ruled out.

It makes me sad how hard we work, to then be able to afford so little for a huge cost. When we could move and have so much more; family, space, choice......all things which make life more enjoyable and help things run more smoothly.

AIBU? What would you do in my situation? I am struggling to see the positives here.

Why doesn't he want to move? Probably not the best time but can't he find a different job up north? I am amazed you have a house for 900k and find it too small, do you literally live on the southbank?

If you could be mortgage free up there then surely only one of you would have to work.

You have a lot to discuss and many options, problem is you need to discuss it with him not us

I agree with you, OP, about moving somewhere cheaper.
Sounds like you've been doing all the compromising.

If you can only manage a small house for 900k, depending on your definition of small, is it that you are living in a particularly expensive part of the SE? Could you do better by just getting him to accept a slightly longer commute? You should be able to find a far cheaper house within 40 minutes or so of Waterloo and the commute would hardly kill him. Quite frankly, something is going to have to give here: you can't expect to tick every box on your list of preferences.

I think the thing about house prices and sizes and family etc is a red herring and the real problem is why he wont look for another job when he knows you are unhappy

Similar house and area to current situation:

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/99779099#/

Potential elsewhere:

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/85267684#/

This is just an example. Okay, I am hardly living in a shanty town. I know this is a first world problem.

But the type of house in the London/SE area is cramped for a family of four, kids toys, kids kit as they get older, the need to work from home more and more then ever, nowhere to sit with a cuppa....no quiet spot of my own. We're all on top of each other. Where we grew up there was just naturally more space and the space was nowhere near as costly.

I am sorry to seem ungrateful. I will have to reflect on that to work out if I really am (in my own mind). It's hard to see friends spend less on far more spacious homeless and have better lives because of it.

And yes, my h and I have discussed this extensively. But he never really wants to move. It's wearing us down. I am bringing it here because I can't face going round and round it again with him.

I think family nearby and more space would be reason enough to move. Not sure what else you can do though if he won't budge.

Can he get a similar job in the north or is he tied to London? I get it as I wouldn't live in London if I didn't have to but DH has to be here for work.

If so then maybe it is his turn to move given that you have done international relocations for him.

I would be putting my foot down and moving in your position. You have made so many sacrifices for him and his career the least he could do is sacrifice changing jobs for your family to be in a better position.

My DH and I always use pro con lists to decide big issues as it takes emotions out; from what you've put here the pros seriously outweigh the cons to a move

You don’t seem ungrateful, you seem ridiculous. I live in south east London with two kids in a 3bed terraced house worth c £450k. Sorry but I cannot stand (non Londoners) saying you can’t buy a house for under a million. Of course you can!

Clearly you can afford such an expensive house because you have jobs that pay very well, that’s the south east pay off!

How likely is it that your husband could find a well paid job during Covid? I planned to return to the UK last year but have put it on hold due to the current situation. There's no way I would leave a well paid job and probably struggle to find anything.

If he can find work YANBU.

Would you want him to give up his job... one that I'm presuming he enjoys/is good at? Are there similar opportunities for him where you would like to move to? Would you have a similar standard of living ?
Is it really important the kids go to private schools...why?

Why not move further into Kent? 700k would get you a pretty reasonably sized property in Canterbury for example (and other areas will be cheaper). Fast train takes an hour to St Pancras.

Obviously its difficult but you both need to sit down and work out your priorities, look at alternatives and go from there.

You can get a lot more for your money if you shop around - this is still within the M25:

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/72505674#/

Where are his priorities? He might prefer job security to more space. Being the main earner is a lot of responsibility and he may want to play it safe by staying near where the jobs are especially in this climate.
Everyone's different when it comes to house sizes - I think this is a cultural thing with the English needing more privacy so I respect that, but maybe a competent different set up might work? I just moved from serviced flats with shared childrens play areas (indoors) for both older and younger kids, all very secure and kids of all ages would wander in the building to call on their school friends. Lots of mums willing to keep an eye for 5 minutes while I popped out to the shops!

Even though the max flat size was 2 beds I knew 2 families of 4 kids (one even had the mother in law)
Majority weren't from English speaking countries so didn't have lots of stuff and didn't mind the interaction.

"Competent different " ignore the word competent that's a mistake

You really need to unpack what you both think your futures look like? Why won't he move? Why do you want to move? Where will you be in 10 years time? How do you imagine your day to day lives look like? What does DH's work situation look like if you move away from London? Is there a compromise in a cheaper part of the SE? Would you be prepared to live separately in the week? So many questions that need answering before you can really work out what you both want/need/imagine.

I was always desperate to move away from the SE back to the area I grew up. It was never the right time for H's job - I too can work anywhere.

Now I've realised that it's too late and I can't disrupt the DC education. I will never move my family back. My DC will grow up in the SE with SE values, which are not mine. I am very bitter.
Don't leave it too long.

Please OP don't forget how privileged you are. Even before Covid 19 came along.

If there is a long-term possibility of only going into an office one or two days per week, or even less than that, then moving a distance away becomes a better option than if not.

Have you tried to get to all the reasons as to your DHs wish not to move? It may be more than just about work. I lived in the north east for much of my twenties, had family at the time nearby. I now live in the south east and would never consider moving back to anywhere in the north of England myself. I find early winter darkness difficult and even 20 minutes more daylight in the afternoon makes December and January a better place for me.

Move further out for something like this:

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/77050878#/

How about first just moving further out?
Places like this are less than an hour from London
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/84859117#/

Or you could have a choice of 3 bedroom detached houses less than a mile from Woking train station - 25 minutes to Waterloo.

for £800,000 I meant...

I would also move if I were you OP.

Sit DH down and ask him exactly what his objections are, be armed with a list of pros/house ideas/job ideas/hobby opportunities/better work life balance for him.

Essentially, manipulate him into a position where he can see the benefits upfront and that it isn't just an 'abstract' conversation without any basis in reality.

Select them wisely!!

Do your homework on schools and see if you can persuade him that there is life outside that area.

How about this house in sevenoaks - £900k for 5 beds, www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/99934445#/ just over half a mile to the station. Sevenoaks to London Waterloo East is under 30 min journey on the direct trains. Good state schools. If hes prepared to do a longer commute, your money will go further if you go a stop or two down the line or move further away from the train station.

I agree that trying to change jobs in a pandemic isn't great, but working in London doesn't have to mean living in London.

You could both compromise, but not in a way that involves risking the main income for the family.