Life in the SE

[Metafizzical]

I moved to live in the SE (just outside zone 6, 20 min train to Waterloo) with my DH. We have been here for 13 years. We are both originally from the North.

We live here due to his work. My work can be found anywhere. I have supported him through two international moves (always returning to SE in UK) and numerous years of working abroad whilst I worked part time, looked after our pre school DDs and exhausted myself in the meantime.

Despite all our hard work and owning a house of 900 k, it is still a little house and not ideal. Seriously....to own a property here is so fricking expensive.

If we moved north (I.e. Derbyshire or S Yorks) again we could have family nearby, a house double the size mortgage free, potentially private schools for our kids. But he won't realistically do this. He won't look for other jobs and neither of us are too keen on him commuting but it is an option we haven't entirely ruled out.

It makes me sad how hard we work, to then be able to afford so little for a huge cost. When we could move and have so much more; family, space, choice......all things which make life more enjoyable and help things run more smoothly.

AIBU? What would you do in my situation? I am struggling to see the positives here.

I also think that there are lots of other options in the SE. We moved from Wandsworth to Hampshire and bought a much bigger house for £250k less than the three bed London house.
Mainline train into London just over an hour, lovely market town in the South Downs. £600k would get you a good house. £900k would get you a fabulous house close to countryside, easy access to the coast, good rail and road networks, good schools and easily commutable to London.

YABU. Surely you knew when you married him that his job involved international travel and you accepted it. TBH it's a bit late to complain after the fact - it sounds like you think he owes you because of it.

Commuting is exhausting - I do not blame him for not wanting a longer commute. Even a 30 minute train journey is a lot once you've factored in the walk to the station plus the journey from the station back to the home.

It sounds like you want him to make all these sacrifices just so you can have a little bigger house tbh.

Also... "we could have family nearby," is it your family by any chance?

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/74539881#/
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/96487856#/
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/98772584#/

^ all in the S/E within your above stated price. Reasonable commute into London. Maybe lower your expectations a bit, accept you can't always have the perfect life, and be willing to compromise a bit. ATM it's coming very much across as your way or the highway.

@MargosKaftan you get different things on your doorstep.

There are quite obviously a great many places around the SE and within easy commute of Waterloo where you could get a much larger place for your money that I suspect this isn't about having a larger house but actually about the OP having a more general desire to leave the SE for back to the north.

As for "SE values". Jesus wept!

People, like me, who have always lived in the north don't understand the obsession with living in the south. Many, many of our friends were originally from the south then came here (Newcastle) for work and ended up staying. Has your DH visited the "north"? Why don't you plan a series of weekend breaks - once COVID has gone - and you might find he will be very pleasantly surprised with the lifestyle that is on offer. Some people still have very strange ideas of what living in the north (which is a massive area) is actually like. "Yes, we DO have Waitrose and Ocado". etc.

I’d be listing the things you’d lose if you moved up north. Proximity to London and all it has to offer, proximity to great travel networks, your friendship network, potential career progression, the weather (a massive issue for me!).

And that Sheffield house is still overlooked by neighbours and doesn’t have a massive garden. If it’s house driven as others have said you can get much better in your price range not that much further out than Twickenham but with more green space on your doorstep

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/101001065#/
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/86114578#/
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/86711242#/
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/71548161#/

@motheroftwoboys - I grew up in the North now live in the SE, and like the OP, my DHs career has taken him overseas (although thankfully he's been London based since having dcs).

While there are some large companies that would need someone with his skillset and would pay roughly similar in Manchester, Leeds etc there arent many in each city, so if he wanted to move job, we'd be moving house. We would be dependent on that one company keeping him in that job, or him being made redundant just at the same time the other person doing his role in the city resigned....

In the last 10 years, hes worked for 3 companies in London, and had offers at others, but this has had no effect on where we live.

Its easy to say move up north, but that doesn't always work with career paths, asking for a complete career change or putting all your eggs in one company's basket is a big deal.

Obviously is the OP is able to support the whole family if they move on her wage and he could retrain/br a SAHD, that's a different story.

But I do understand this feeling though - I had presumed I'd live near the lake district as an adult. I can see hills and fields from our upstairs back windows, but its not as dramatic. My home is a compromise, but then adult life for those of us who failed to win the lottery or inherit wealth does tend to be full of compromise. (Buying a lottery ticket for tonight and checking out rightmove for dark stone built houses near water)

motheroftwoboys the OP did state in her original post that her dh, like herself, was originally from the north, so presumably he does know what it's like

OP, if I were you I would sit down with your dh and make a list of what the relative pros and cons would be of a) staying down south b) moving north. Find out what is worrying him: is it that he doesn't actually like it up north or is it that he worries about becoming too dependent on more limited job providers? Talk it all through.

Thanks for messages. For PP,

Both set of parents live there.....not just mine 🙄 in addition to numerous friends, my brother, my husbands sister and their children.

We are both from the same area and of course visit regularly (in non covid restricted times) so of course know what life is like there.

Some of you have hit the nail on the head. His job is location specific but his skills are transferable to other industries and he probably could find something but yes, there is a risk.

I also don't want to have a husband who only comes back at weekends.

Thank you tothose who pointed out life can't be "perfect". It's always a compromise.

Kent/South Coast are great option but further again from family.....none of whom are getting any younger......

Does he actually work at Waterloo? Or could he commute in from north of London? Say Hertfordshire or Bedfordshire? Would knock an hour or two off the journey north.

Sounds like you've done all the compromising so far. Might be his turn to accept some change even if he's not prepared to go all the way?

We made a big move north from SE and have managed to buy a house half the price and bigger/nicer. We will soon be mortgage free. My dh was worried that he wouldn't be able to get a job, but when he looked there were quite a lot and he got a job earning the same as he did. We love it here (even though we moved during lockdown). We're near family, education is better. So it has been a very positive move for us all.

I'm from Scotland and lived in both the south east and north of England, and I struggled with the north! I'd go back to Surrey in a shot, so I would move out as a compromise. Your DH might struggle with a big move to the north.

Right now, you'd need to be very brave to move into a new career away from a secure job. Particularly if yours is the job that pays the bulk of the bills.

While Kent/Surrey/the coast is further away from your families, in the grand scheme of things, adding half an hours drive onto an already long journey once a month if it improves your lifestyle for the rest of the time inbetween isn't that big a sacrifice.

When things reopen could you visit commuter towns outside the M25 but with a short train journey to the station he needs with an open mind?

Its really not reasonable to ask your dh to take on a new career because after years of living away from where you grew up suddenly thats not OK for you anymore.

That Teddington house is ugly and small, surely, as pp said, you can get better than that still in the South East? Also, that Ulley Lane doesn't look that convenient?
If being close to your family is important, that's the thing and you're going to have to emphasise that.

I too think its a red herring. You can move 3 miles away to Berrylands in surbiton and get a 4/5/6 bedroom house for under 900k... I think the issue is purely down to you both wanting different things.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/61050747#/

This is not an actual problem. I get the SE annoyance, I'm a northerner and it gets my goat that we spent a shed load on a house here which we could have got for a third of the price up north.

You don't need to live on London (teddington is London.). You can move much further out and still commute or you can move up north and get a much cheaper house. We won't do that because we like our jobs and the work ethic down here. I couldn't go back to a provincial office and the petty squabbles, clock watching over lunch breaks etc. London offices have a totally different attitude to work ( in my experience) that I wouldn't want to leave.

If your husband won't do that then it's something you need to work out together.

We did the move but DH can WFH.

The SE is a more stressful competitive place to live. Could you move further out of London on the train line/motorway route on the way to friends and family so you are nearer them in terms of time?

I get you, I am from the north and live in Surrey. I’m just here until the kids leave school then I’m heading back north. 900k won’t get you much in London

This is 900k in zone 6 - 30 mins into Victoria on the faster line
www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/85330195#/

It sounds like you’ve done a fair amount of compromise over the years and therefore it could be argued it’s his turn to compromise. If moving back to where you’re from, is what you truly want then maybe post-pandemic you need to spend more time there. You both will have changed and where you are from will have changed.

I would give the moving further out from London some exploration. I lived in London for a long time and moved out about 5 years ago. I still work in London and commute, my commute isn’t much longer and the majority is on a train where lm guaranteed a seat pretty much (never not got one!). We are near the beach, theatres, excellent schools, great restaurants etc.

I say all of this as a northerner who has lived down in the south east for the best part of 20 years. I’m too used to life down here, l don’t think l could face the weather and the winters. My mum swears blind it never rains but only when l go to visit. I’m not convinced I think she think l will make a dramatic about turn and move back there. It’s highly unlikely l will. Not sure what will happen when she is older and needs more assistance

@Metafizzical

Thanks for messages. For PP,

Both set of parents live there.....not just mine 🙄 in addition to numerous friends, my brother, my husbands sister and their children.

We are both from the same area and of course visit regularly (in non covid restricted times) so of course know what life is like there.

Some of you have hit the nail on the head. His job is location specific but his skills are transferable to other industries and he probably could find something but yes, there is a risk.

I also don't want to have a husband who only comes back at weekends.

Thank you tothose who pointed out life can't be "perfect". It's always a compromise.

Kent/South Coast are great option but further again from family.....none of whom are getting any younger......

While I understand it's slightly further, it's actually faster and easier to get to the north from Sussex than from Teddington (I've lived in both!) because from Sussex there is a direct train to St Pancras/ King's Cross. Just a thought that may be relevant.

Ah so you're in Surbiton then?

I wouldn't move, I used to live in Teddington and miss it so, so much, so I am biased. But if you want a bigger house i think it's time to start having some very serious conversations with him, and with yourself. You don't have to spend your entire life doing what HE wants.

I think you could move a bit further out or East and get a much bigger house for your money and still have less than an hour's commute to London. I am edge if some 6 and 900K is a large family home still here. You could probably go further out for an even bigger house too as he's unlikely to have to go back into London 5 days a week post covid is he?

Definitely move. We did and absolutely love having family close, great countryside, hardly have a commute so way more free and family time and more money for holidays and leisure.

I haven't missed London at all.