Life in the SE

[Metafizzical]

I moved to live in the SE (just outside zone 6, 20 min train to Waterloo) with my DH. We have been here for 13 years. We are both originally from the North.

We live here due to his work. My work can be found anywhere. I have supported him through two international moves (always returning to SE in UK) and numerous years of working abroad whilst I worked part time, looked after our pre school DDs and exhausted myself in the meantime.

Despite all our hard work and owning a house of 900 k, it is still a little house and not ideal. Seriously....to own a property here is so fricking expensive.

If we moved north (I.e. Derbyshire or S Yorks) again we could have family nearby, a house double the size mortgage free, potentially private schools for our kids. But he won't realistically do this. He won't look for other jobs and neither of us are too keen on him commuting but it is an option we haven't entirely ruled out.

It makes me sad how hard we work, to then be able to afford so little for a huge cost. When we could move and have so much more; family, space, choice......all things which make life more enjoyable and help things run more smoothly.

AIBU? What would you do in my situation? I am struggling to see the positives here.

I do understand how you feel. From what you write, it seems like you have had to compromise quite a bit.

I made a similar move with DP and DD, and it has worked out quite well so far, Covid aside.

I don't think you sound ungrateful at all OP. Okay, if your current house is like that one in Teddington, it's very nice and probably nicer than the homes of many people, but I know what you mean. The fact is that you could you living in a much bigger house elsewhere, with space for a study, a bigger garden, a playroom, a utility room, plus family nearby. Who wouldn't want those things if they could afford them, particularly now when everyone is stuck WFH and home schooling and how spacious your home is makes a huge difference to your quality of life.

So, a few questions:

Why is your DH so resistant to moving?
Does he love his job or the company he works for?
Has he spent years building up his reputation and will that be lost if he moves to another area?
Does he love the buzz of London?
Does his job even exist and offer a similar level of compensation in Derbyshire or S. Yorks? Not all jobs exist outside London, so this is important.
When the pandemic is over will he be expected to be back in the office five days a week, or is remote working or PT in the office a potential option?

@socketpocket you surely can't be suggesting that TINY little house, for the best part of a million quid, would be worth moving for???

I agree with you OP, but I am also a northerner who has moved away from the SE for a less financially pressured life in the SW.

The thing with the SE bubble is that people have to convince themselves that it's the only place worth living, and that the rest of the country is akin to the third world, to justify the sacrifices they make living there. Sounds like your DH might be stuck in that mind-set?

What are South East values?

Also don't make the mistake of making major life decisions based on some MNers idea that the way we are living with this pandemic is going to be it for the long term.

His company might need him to WFH now, and then ease back in with 6-12 months of only 1-2 days in the office, which a 3 hour commute doesn't seem impossible. But if this time next year he needs to be in an office 5 days a week, or he's made redundant and needs to be in an area with a large number of his particular role available to him, a move to the North might end up destroying his work/life balance.

“My DC will grow up in the SE with SE values, which are not mine. I am very bitter.”

That’s a can of worms just begging to be opened!

Its so pointless living in the SE. Its crippling. I just moved to the west country. Work in the NHS so can go anywhere. I've bought a perfect house in a lovely village £60k less mortgage so now I'm able to pay the mortgage off early and pay all of that extra money into my pension. Its madness to live in the SE.
And to the poster who said you are ungrateful lol ff's are you a 5 year old refusing to eat dinner haha what an idiot.

@Metafizzical

Similar house and area to current situation:

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/99779099#/

Potential elsewhere:

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/85267684#/

This is just an example. Okay, I am hardly living in a shanty town. I know this is a first world problem.

But the type of house in the London/SE area is cramped for a family of four, kids toys, kids kit as they get older, the need to work from home more and more then ever, nowhere to sit with a cuppa....no quiet spot of my own. We're all on top of each other. Where we grew up there was just naturally more space and the space was nowhere near as costly.

I am sorry to seem ungrateful. I will have to reflect on that to work out if I really am (in my own mind). It's hard to see friends spend less on far more spacious homeless and have better lives because of it.

And yes, my h and I have discussed this extensively. But he never really wants to move. It's wearing us down. I am bringing it here because I can't face going round and round it again with him.

For 900k could you stretch to house in north which is main family home, and crash pad for him to work away from home mon-thurs night? I’d also lay out riot act to say you’ve followed him around for x years, you need him to compromise now. And way things are going he could loose his marriage if he doesn’t.

Stop with the baiting and nastiness

There sure is a heck of a lot of it about on Mumsnet at the moment. Hardly any thread is safe.

I wonder how many people would speak to someone face to face they way they do as a keyboard warrior on here. Honestly, take heed of the old adage - If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.

How can it be pointless living in the SE if that is where you want to live?

Some parts of the country (and some parts of the world) have more people wanting to live there than other parts - so they are more expensive. It is a personal decision as to whether the benefits make the cost worth it. Unfortunately the OP and her DH seem to disagree on that.

@katscamel

Would you want him to give up his job... one that I'm presuming he enjoys/is good at? Are there similar opportunities for him where you would like to move to? Would you have a similar standard of living ? Is it really important the kids go to private schools...why? Why not move further into Kent? 700k would get you a pretty reasonably sized property in Canterbury for example (and other areas will be cheaper). Fast train takes an hour to St Pancras. Obviously its difficult but you both need to sit down and work out your priorities, look at alternatives and go from there.

But that is even further from her family. Adds 1 plus hours to the journey. She wants to move north...not to some random place further away just cos housing is slightly cheaper

I'm another one that wants to know what on earth are South East values? I'm from the SE and have fantastic values, thank you!

I think SE values might be where you stay in an area because you have friends and family and in particular to look after elderely and disabled relatives even though you personally could have a better quality of life elsewhere.

I sympathise with you ,but I think there is a big difference in living in the North compared to anywhere "Down South" TBH .Much of the bad weather we have seen this week, has resulted in massive disruption in the west of Yorkshire .No snow here at all (South Coast) or London .This has an effect on heating bills as well .13 years on is your home town as you remember ,or has it changed at all .Maybe as PP above have said many nice properties about an hour or so from the Capital.This would be a good compromise for both of you.

I'm also very keen to know what SE values are.

I’m in a beautiful area that is essentially a village IN zone 6 and semi detached big houses cost around £600k. 20 mins to London Bridge from the station that’s less than a mile from my house. I commute to central London daily in under an hour. The M25 is 10 mins away.

I think you’re looking in the wrong places.

But fair enough if you moved away from London you would get a lot more for your money, that is undeniable.

@RupertRupertTheBear

I was always desperate to move away from the SE back to the area I grew up. It was never the right time for H's job - I too can work anywhere. Now I've realised that it's too late and I can't disrupt the DC education. I will never move my family back. My DC will grow up in the SE with SE values, which are not mine. I am very bitter. Don't leave it too long.

What are "SE values"?

Why do people keep posting links to houses that are the same size or smaller than the OP's?

The OP is saying that her standard 3 up 3 down house does not feel big enough for all the kids and their stuff

£800k buys you a very spacious (probably 3 or 4 times the space the OP has now) in Staffordshire/Worcestershire etc

In London 2500 plus square feet is going to cost a lot - she's currently got about 900-1200 square feet.

I agree with PP who say move a little further from London but still an easy commute by train. From Haywards Heath there are direct trains to the City and St Pancras, and also direct trains to Victoria that take 45mins. Plus the quality of life is much better, being surrounded by countryside and national trust estates, vineyards etc and the coast only 15 miles away.

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/84348004#/

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/101452163#/

I would commute. That's what we did.

We live at the end of one of the mainlines in Hampshire.

1hr 15 mins train journey but presumably he'll be able to WFH a lot?

Our 4 bed detached was £535k so £900k would get you something really quite large...

We're semi-rural, in a village that has everything you need. Near to a market town and close to the South Downs.

Urgh, I hate the big house in the North and crash pad in London suggestion for a wife who wants to live out of London. Its basically saying their dh should live in a small cramped home away from his dcs in order to provide a fabulous lifestyle for his wife who would be very upset if he found someone else who didn't just treat him as the money source and actually wanted to spend time with him

You are a family. Compromises have to be made in families. But that includes having a secure job and career prospects.

Living in London outside of zone 2 doesn't seem worth it for me as a slightly longer commute can give you a vastly better lifestyle and its not like the benefits of London were right on your doorstep anyway.

If Waterloo is the station he needs to get to and it takes 20 minutes already, look at towns with a 30-40minute journey to Waterloo / Waterloo East. You'll get more house for your money, or a similar house for a lot less freeing up cash to have a better lifestyle. Adding 20-40 minutes on to his total day is reasonable. Asking him to give up his career /live away from his dcs/have a 3 hour commute are not reasonable requests.

Obviously the interior is dated but this is what you can get size wise for £900k here

Trinity Road, Parish Of Bentworth, Medstead, Alton, Hampshire, GU34
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-96019094.html

@upteennamechanges - that's a lovely proportioned house.

But the long commute (and train journey of over an hour that doesn't get into the right bit of London and the train station is a drive away at the home end is realistically a long one) needs to be something the commuter is prepared to do.