The ‘can’t’ Vs ‘can do’ people...

[BurningRed]

Wondering if anyone feels the same...

Broadly speaking, I think people are split into two different types of people... the ‘can do’s’ and the ‘can’t do it’ people.

As I’ve got older I’ve found myself getting more and more irritated by the people that no matter what is thrown at them always see the negative and say ‘oh I can’t do that’ instead of thinking ‘I need to find a way around this’.

AIBU to slowly cut these people out of my life? My tolerance is waining in my older age... it must be so draining to live like that.

Agree it's a confidence and experience issue. When I first started working everything seemed terrifying and impossible. Now I can practically work with my eyes closed

For some it's a confidence issue.

For others, a whining like a 3yo issue. Recently moved out of a house where I lived with someone who complained day and night about anything and everything.

Can't go for a run today, it's just so cold.
Can't do my shopping today, my arm hurts and it's a 5 (!) min walk.
Can't do this assignment for work, it's too hard. No one understands how hard it is.
Can't do this presentation for my boss tomorrow, he has such high standards.

And everything in their life was a can't. Chronic complaining I call it. I also feel the cold, sometimes am tired and struggle with learning new skill or doing something particularly hard at work. But I don't moan about it all day, instead I try and get on with it. I at least try when presented with a complicated situation/task. There's a chance I'll succeed. By moaning, I immediately reduce my chances to 0%.

I agree - it doesn't bother me until they try and taint you with their views! "Oh, you'll really struggle with that." "Oh, how will you find the time to do that?"

None of your business, lazy bones!

@Royalbloo

I agree - it doesn't bother me until they try and taint you with their views! "Oh, you'll really struggle with that." "Oh, how will you find the time to do that?"

None of your business, lazy bones!

Oh yeah, they do that. Trying to bring you down just so they feel like they're not the only ones who can't be arsed to even attempt it.

There's also a theory that people should just accept they might do a crappy job, but at least then you start it and try!

EileenGC soooo annoying - it's like you doing something extra makes them feel shitty so they have to try and discourage you. It just makes me more determined!

I often see threads on here from “can’t do” type people- they’ll ask a question about how they could possibly manage to do something... they’ll receive replies with suggestions of what to do, and will reply to every single one with another excuse “No, I couldn’t do that because...” “No, that wouldn’t work because...”
I think some people just want a good moan... and to be told how hard their life is and how they’re justified in not doing the thing.

Cut them out, OP. We each have a duty to surround ourselves with those who buoy us. The can't people probably enjoy each other.

@Royalbloo yes about the determination! This person was also shocked when I took a job that required me to work every other weekend. 'But that's surely illegal, you should sue them. It'll be so much work for you'. I don't know how they thought the hospitals, shops etc stayed open at the weekends 😂
Needless to say, I was going in almost every weekend to prove to them that no one is going to die for working a couple of Sundays.

Yanbu.

This infuriates me, especially when the majority of the time the person hasn't even tried.

I refuse to help anyone whose go to response is I can't. I usually find it's down to sheer laziness, and they actually mean I can't be bothered.

I agree with PPs that it is often a confidence problem but sometimes just laziness.

As long as they're supportive of other people's efforts or at least don't actively try to discourage anyone from even giving something a go.

I absolutely know what you mean - I have a colleague who is very 'can't do' and it's so incredibly draining. I do think it's worse for her than it is for the people around her, though - she's not a happy person and seems to feel completely trapped. So I try (though frequently fail) to feel sympathy rather than annoyance. That said, I think you're justified to cut these people out of your personal life, as they really can bring everyone else down with them.

I had a colleague who hated her job and constantly moaned about it. Me and another colleague were offering her all kinds of solutions how she could change careers, but everything was met with a list of random made up reasons why she couldn't possibly do that. Mostly because she's too old to start again. We were in mid-20s. This was 20 years ago, she still does the same job, still miserable. Could be doing something she loves and have 2 decades of experience in that by now.

I have no time for that kind of negativity. People choose their behaviours.

Totally up to you who you surround yourself with.
I wouldn’t be cutting people or just because they were a little ‘can’t do’ though.

Everyone’s different. It’s fair enough if you spend yourself with the type of people you want. Just remember some of those can’t do people might have other qualities that are god in a friend.

I get you completely OP. There are a couple of people at my work whose first response is always 'we can't do that' 'ooh that won't work,' and it drives me crackers. I could just about cope with that negative auto response but, even worse, when tasked with doing things they believe won't work, they deliberately dither and procrastinate until, conveniently, said action now won't work.
Ooh I'm now annoyed.

I agree it is sometimes a confidence issue, but sometimes a "I don't want to" issue.

For example SIL is not a confident driver. She gets other people to drive her about if she can. As a result she drives less often and what little confidence she had has disappeared.

As for the "don't want to" people. I get frustrated by people who say "they can't cook". Quite frankly I don't believe them. They dislike cooking or don't want to cook. Unless you have dyslexia, eyesight issues or are physically disabled there is no reason why you can't follow a recipe.

I like to start each day with a can do attitude, its a fresh day and all that. By about 9.30 every day i realise my can do attitude has been thwarted by the won't do attitude of children. My positivity is ebbing away and my attitude will soon be why should I try.

You see it on threads here all the time. There as a woman a few days ago who had a health condition she wanted to improve. Was willing to try everything. Except, it seemed, any of the 25 suggestions she was given, including the main ones recommended by the NHS. Those were all impossible. I think some people genuinely can’t see that they are the mistresses of their own destiny.

Well it depends do you have any specific examples?

I used to find at work that I was surrounded by over confident people who thought they knew how to do everything. Unfortunately when it went tits up it usually landed on my desk to sort out.

It must be great to have enough privilege that you've not ever dealt with something that stopped you.

Have you heard of Fixed Mindset and Growth Mindset, OP?
I’m a teacher and we teach the kids about this, for approaching new tasks.

It's not so easy to snap out of lifelong conditioning when these 'can't do' people have been told since they were children that they're useless or come up against negativity when they do try to do something well.

Good luck to you lot who think people with anxiety and confidence problems should just get on with it. If only it was that simple - there'd be far fewer younger and older people alike having counselling.

Everyone is different. A can-do sunshine and roses person can be just as draining as a can’t-do doom and gloom person.