The ‘can’t’ Vs ‘can do’ people...

[BurningRed]

Wondering if anyone feels the same...

Broadly speaking, I think people are split into two different types of people... the ‘can do’s’ and the ‘can’t do it’ people.

As I’ve got older I’ve found myself getting more and more irritated by the people that no matter what is thrown at them always see the negative and say ‘oh I can’t do that’ instead of thinking ‘I need to find a way around this’.

AIBU to slowly cut these people out of my life? My tolerance is waining in my older age... it must be so draining to live like that.

Yes it's a confidence issue but thing is, you don't get confident unless you start doing something.

I generally tend to avoid "can't do" people as I found out that they draw my energy.

I'm certainly NOT a people pleaser. I'm doing what I need to do for me and my daughter and MANY people want my time but they can't have it - I'm spending it on developing. If anything, I'm a people un-pleaser but I'm not here to make anyone else happy.

@DumplingsAndStew

SchrodingersImmigrant
I think people could maybe use some common sense and realise without a diaclaimer that if you have health issues or disability preventing you from doing stuff, you are obviously not who OP and others are talking about🙄I don't understand why that's nkt abstandard thinking

I think people could maybe use some common sense and realise without a disclaimer that you won't always be aware when someone has a health issue or disability preventing them from doing stuff. 🙄

I don't understand why that's not standard thinking

Exactly.

The ‘can’t do’ people in my life are generally negative and moany. That puts me off them more than the can’t do attitude.

As for too common sense contributing to it - I don’t get that. I have a lot of common sense too. Naturally, this leads to good problem solving so you find ways on how to do it differently or in a better way. Unless you’re working with idiots who are coming up with ridiculous ideas, usually you can collaborate and figure out how to make things work.

I do think we need to be careful that our belief in growth mindset/resilience/can do attitudes isn't just blaming people for their apparent inability to overcome barriers outwith their control.

Otherwise, I'm all for positivity and venture.

Growth mindset = how do I get around this challenge? What do I need to learn to overcome it?

🙄🙄🙄🙄

Good health would be a good start. If you could just find me a solution to that, I'll gladly turn into my previous Energizer Bunny on speed...

Do smuglies like you not think I'd prefer to be like my old self?

🙄

What I am currently finding infuriating is the guy I have been seeing. In normal times he goes to the gym regularly. He moans daily about the fact that he can't do any exercise. When I gently suggest that he go for a run outside (rather than the treadmill) he either scoffs, or says it's too cold or too wet or he hates running outdoors. Now all of this is fine. I have been running less lately because the weather is grim. But it's the moaning, when there is a viable option/alternative.

For me, if you moan at me, my go to response is to offer solutions (which I also understand is not what everyone wants).
When all those solutions are dismissed without trying, it is that that is the issue.

Maybe part of the issue is, is that people don't feel able to be honest with themselves and others. Motivation/low mood/anxiety/self esteem etc. All have a massive impact on our sense of agency (the above example perhaps included).

I used to be a 'can't do' person, at the time I was seriously depressed, seriously anxious and also, unknown to me at the time, heavily manipulated by my mother to depend on her so she could drop me whenever she fancied...

Now I am a 'can do' and a solution finder, and I have to remember to wind it in a bit at times as I find myself MASSIVELY unsympathetic for other peoples reasons why they can't do things, when I push myself to do things despite various challenges like pain, fatigue etc.

I think I am also a bit scared of going back to being a 'can't do' person!

There is definitely such thing as can't. It does people no favours to pretend they can do anything they want. Why waste your life chasing something that's never going to happen hen you could have spent that valuable time doing something that was?

I think its a bit of both. A lot of 'can do' people are people pleasers, its also important to put boundaries in place and have a work life balance. I have worked with so many people who think their self worth is based on how hard they work, and will do pointless tasks that get them no where. It can also be quite irritating when faced with a problem to be presented with the most basic solutions. Sometimes can do people waste a lot of time.

Equally if someone is constantly 'can't do or constantly the victim that is very frustrating to have to work with. And it can result in others having to pick up the slack. A lot of the time 'can't do' people are essentially expecting others to do the thinking and the work for them

Tbh I think the best type of people are people who economise their strengths and weaknesses. Its also about how much you want something and whether its worth the effort. A lot of the time people maybe just don't want it that much, or don't care that much. I hope I am a bit of both.

I’ve never known ‘can do’ people to be time wasters.
I know people who ‘wish to do’ who are positive people but don’t have the ‘can do’ drive so become time wasters.

Its like the PP who talked about working Sundays. I don't want to work Sundays, I love my Sundays. Why would I work Sundays? It doesn't make you any better of a person because you work Sundays.

If I was desperate I could work Sundays. I have worked weekends in the past but I hated it, I will do my best to avoid it in the future. I guess my can do was waiting/applying for the job that came along that got me everything I wanted that didn't work Sundays!

@Beechview maybe we have different definitions of can do. A lot of examples on this thread have been more 'yes men' than 'can do' I suppose

People might think of me as a "can't" person but I don't see the point in me struggling through something if there is someone else around who can do the job much quicker and more efficiently than me. I will watch or assist though to try and learn. If there is no one like that around then of course I'll have a go and give it my best.

I also don't see the point in someone else doing a job that I could do much quicker and more efficiently either though. This is something I have to constantly stop myself with because my small children need to learn some independence

I totally agree with you - look for the negative and you will find it. Far too many people are like this!

I hate to say it but I also find myself to have less patience with the can't do people.
If there's a reason you can't do something, I'll help you. If you find another reason, then another, sorry pal. Youre on your own.

The only way I've ever got anywhere in life is to continually change and rise to each occasion.

I don't keep myself very close to many people who aren't the same. I can't abide the moaning about things that could change but never do.

My old workplace was full of can'ts! Was a very draining atmosphere. And people wonder why I'm so chirpy about the new workplace. Because everyone is so can do! Yes there are challenges but it's very collaborative. How are we going to fix this problem? Rather than 'there's a problem. It's always been a problem and you're the latest in a long line of people we've told about it and we're still not going to do anything about it'.

Completely agree that growth mindset can be like a stick to bear people with who suffer under systemic level barriers. We're not Americans, believing that we are all temporarily embarrassed millionaires who just need to dream hard enough, after all.

I read OP as being about a general tendency among otherwise mainstream, not particularly traumatised or disadvantaged people to closed mindedness, jobsworthiness, or the other minor areas where people shoot down new possibilities because of their own discomfort with engaging with them. Of course we can't see what's beneath the surface and it may be that fear and anxiety are closer for these folk.

I'm interested in your point @mumof2oneofeach - my DH is very similar, super pragmatic and logical and needs 10 good reasons why an idea should be implemented. Quite often, it's because he has seen many potential glitches others have not. He is great in this way.

However - there is an emotional component, (which he would vehemently deny). His mother is a very "don't get excited, it might not ever happen" kind of person and this rubs off on him as caution; the status quo is always better than the new.

I am the opposite, very can-do. Sometimes I am frustrated; because often an idea needs acceptance, enthusiasm, then room to grow. It might change into a different idea under this scrutiny - but it may need this.

Ideas are usually the germs of visions of a better world. Even an idea like "hey, why don't we order the copier paper quarterly not monthly" has come from a human with a divine spark of wanting to solve a problem they've noticed. I think all ideas and idea-havers should be treasured. Ideas should be weighed up, sure, and often discarded almost immediately. But someone bringing an idea can tell if the hearer is thinking of their own fear in writing it off, or genuinely considering it.

@DishedUp I'd never consider myself better for working Sundays for example. What annoys me is someone trying to say that I can't do it either. 'You'll hate it, you'll be so tired for your normal Monday, I could never do it'. Fair enough, don't. But don't bring me down just because you've decided it should be illegal to work weekends and you hate that I actually have something to do whilst you're sat at home, bored but unwilling to engage in any activity as it's cold/hot/you're/tired/it's Sunday (all directed at my wonderful ex- 'DP' who isn't one anymore because I don't need so much moaning in my life ).

*For me, if you moan at me, my go to response is to offer solutions (which I also understand is not what everyone wants). When all those solutions are dismissed without trying, it is that that is the issue
*
Perfectly put by a PP. People will offer solutions to your moaning. Saying to all of them and keeping on the complaining won't gain you any fans.

I have not had the chance to try new things
@GoldenEvilHoor - what do you mean by this? Some new things are impossible to try due to finance, but it's perfectly possible to try something new every single day of your life for free and you are right - it does build confidence. And skill and interest.

@Labobo
If you read the thread you will see that this poster has explained clearly why she was unable to try new things in the past.

I agree. Unfortunately my daughter is the 'can't do' person in my life so I can't cut her out. Am hoping she grows out of it. I do think confidence and resilience often come with age, though sadly they are needed by the young.

@TheBeesKnee

Agree it's a confidence and experience issue. When I first started working everything seemed terrifying and impossible. Now I can practically work with my eyes closed

I agree xx