The ‘can’t’ Vs ‘can do’ people...

[BurningRed]

Wondering if anyone feels the same...

Broadly speaking, I think people are split into two different types of people... the ‘can do’s’ and the ‘can’t do it’ people.

As I’ve got older I’ve found myself getting more and more irritated by the people that no matter what is thrown at them always see the negative and say ‘oh I can’t do that’ instead of thinking ‘I need to find a way around this’.

AIBU to slowly cut these people out of my life? My tolerance is waining in my older age... it must be so draining to live like that.

You'd probably see me as a can't do type of person. I'm only that way because my brain is so logical and I have too much common sense - this is not a boast at all, it infuriates me and annoys my husband. I have to be super careful at work and close my mouth as I can already see why something wouldn't logically work out. It's ingrained behaviour, please don't think everyone who does this is lazy or can't be bothered.

Mumof2 exactly. Any ‘can do’ needs to translate into practical answers. And it doesn’t always.

‘Plan and prepare for every possibility, and you will never act. It is nobler to have courage as we stumble into half the things we fear than to analyse every possible obstacle and begin nothing. Great things are achieved by embracing great dangers’

Said no anxiety sufferer ever.

I disagree with most here. My medical condition, since birth, is severe, very brittle. I get fed up of people telling me to do a/b/c. Don't you think I have tried all of these already.

@B33Fr33

It must be great to have enough privilege that you've not ever dealt with something that stopped you.

Oh, I've often dealt with something that stopped me. Then I'd have to work out a way to get round it, through it or get over it.

@mumof2oneofeach

You'd probably see me as a can't do type of person. I'm only that way because my brain is so logical and I have too much common sense - this is not a boast at all, it infuriates me and annoys my husband. I have to be super careful at work and close my mouth as I can already see why something wouldn't logically work out. It's ingrained behaviour, please don't think everyone who does this is lazy or can't be bothered.

But if this is happening constantly then either you're surrounded by idiots or you're nitpicking details - otherwise why is everyone else always coming up with ideas that only you can see are unworkable? And couldn't you put your amazing skills in logic to the somewhat more useful purpose of suggesting a better alternative plan? I don't think anyone describes the people who come up with alternatives as 'can't do', it's the flat 'that won't work' people who come across like this.

I agree with @mumof2oneofeach

I have a colleague who is very innovative and generates amazing ideas, however isn’t great at the details, so I’m sure he sees me as a can’t-do person as we work closely so I always end up having to figure out how we can do what he envisions (which means 90% of ideas get scrapped)

However I think of myself as can-do and am sure most other people see me that way. Often say yes to things and try and figure out how later on

I don’t think it’s anxiety or confidence at all, it’s just a fundamental personality difference. I was married to a ‘faffer’, nothing ever got completed, he was useless around the house, I had to nag and nag to get shit done and he was always moody and negative. I swore I’d never be with someone like that ever again and I haven’t. I’m married to a ‘do-er’ now and it’s fantastic! If he doesn’t know how to do something he will learn.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

Mumof2 exactly. Any ‘can do’ needs to translate into practical answers. And it doesn’t always.

I think that's fair, but that similarly any 'can't do' needs to include a reasonable alternative (which can include doing nothing/maintaining the status quo - those can genuinely be the best options but they shouldn't be the only ones allowed to be considered)

I am a person with logical brain and hell of a lot of common sense, prepared for any outcome. I still try to do lots of things because I know that my conclusion may be wrong.

I think the government encourages it. By treating adults like little children and trying to control every aspect of their lives so as to minimise even the smallest risks, you create an expectation of a "can't do" attitude. Until nothing is done. Its shocking how difficult it is to organise little village festivals or cycle races or fetes or whatever in this country compared to others.

I remember being taught as a child that there’s no such thing as can’t. It’s totally ingrained.

I think most of us sometimes find something we’d like to do but we are scared of failing or embarrassing ourselves or lack the energy to go for it. It’s reasonable though to prefer not to spend time with someone who feels like they can’t do anything and is perpetually negative

Hmmm

I used to travel alone anywhere, drive anywhere, renovate houses doing most of the work myself, worked in one of the Big 4 accounting firms, had several businesses, there really wasn't much I wouldn't do or couldn't do if I put my mind to it.

Then I got glandular fever, then I had a liver problem, I then developed diabetes & have not felt well since...I probably have CF, but No diagnosis. I am permanently exhausted - I have developed arthritis in my joints, terrible terrible brain fog etc

But according to most here, I'm just lazy & negative.

Stop being so fucking smug & try walking in other peoples shoes and when, if one day, you find yourself in the same position, do remember you superior, smug posts.

"Some people are happy being poor and stupid - leave them to it"

Are you one of those Torys that think poor people just need to try harder?

I don't like negative thinkers, but that's different to a can't do attitude. At the start of the pandemic, many posters were calling those of us who said that we wouldn't be out of this by Christmas, negative, but it was just being realistic. Some of us don't like to live with our head in the sand.

My life has had limitations put on it due to having children with SN. It was once said to me that they'd heard 'the excuses I was making' before, from Parents with disabled children. They couldn't understand why I 'couldn't do'.

I now have nerve damage in my hands and Chronic fatigue. I went through counselling which focused on acceptance. Other people may have accepted their limitations for various reasons.

I think people could maybe use some common sense and realise without a diaclaimer that if you have health issues or disability preventing you from doing stuff, you are obviously not who OP and others are talking about🙄

I don't understand why that's nkt abstandard thinking

@VinylDetective

I remember being taught as a child that there’s no such thing as can’t. It’s totally ingrained.

Gah. I heard that a lot from an adult growing up and it always irritated me. It makes no sense. Of course there's such a thing as 'can't'.

For example, 'You can't just give up at the first hurdle.' I'd have challenged the person who kept repeating that nonsense, but I was also told 'You can't talk back to adults.'

EileenGC

You're right: fundamentally its about a willingness (or lack thereof) to engage with new things and tackle problems. It may be learned to some extent (from parents etc) but there comes a point where you need to take responsibility and push past pain points.

I would also put into this category people in the workplace who have an incredibly clear perspective on what their job spec is and won't do anything which technically isn't in the brief. It's limiting for other people and ultimately themselves as it prevents them growing in their own jobs. I've worked with loads of people like this who will moan if asked to do something which is technically not their job, even as a one-off, to help someone in a sticky situation.

It's one thing if you're doing a very menial job but in a professional setting and with a professional salary its just not good enough. I just think if you can't approach the job with a desire to expand your capabilities there's really no point doing it.

Sorry my OP wasn’t smug at all.

Just tired of people making excuses.

Life is hard, I get it. But focus on the small wins and don’t make yourself a victim. It’s exhausting.

@GoldenEvilHoor I hope you get out/have left sooner rather than later. You deserve to be able to be live and be positive. Everyone does.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I think people could maybe use some common sense and realise without a diaclaimer that if you have health issues or disability preventing you from doing stuff, you are obviously not who OP and others are talking about🙄

I don't understand why that's nkt abstandard thinking

I think people could maybe use some common sense and realise without a disclaimer that you won't always be aware when someone has a health issue or disability preventing them from doing stuff. 🙄

I don't understand why that's not standard thinking.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

"I have to get a cleaner in, as my disability prevents me doing everything myself" - YABU

Except my friend who has severe dust allergy. As indeed do l, and l was advised to get a cleaner if possible...

I think you misunderstood my post.

We're all different. Some people are more tolerant than others.

I think you can become a can’t-do person through being hammered by life, through anxiety or depression

As a lucky can-do person, I know I can come across as a know-it-all or smug if I am not careful

@BurningRed

Wondering if anyone feels the same...

Broadly speaking, I think people are split into two different types of people... the ‘can do’s’ and the ‘can’t do it’ people.

As I’ve got older I’ve found myself getting more and more irritated by the people that no matter what is thrown at them always see the negative and say ‘oh I can’t do that’ instead of thinking ‘I need to find a way around this’.

AIBU to slowly cut these people out of my life? My tolerance is waining in my older age... it must be so draining to live like that.

Yep...

Read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck.

It's called growth mindset vs fixed mindset.

If two people face a challenge fixed mindset = this wasn't meant to be / I'm not clever enough / good enough and quits.

Growth mindset = how do I get around this challenge? What do I need to learn to overcome it?