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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The ‘can’t’ Vs ‘can do’ people...

100 replies

BurningRed · 15/01/2021 17:21

Wondering if anyone feels the same...

Broadly speaking, I think people are split into two different types of people... the ‘can do’s’ and the ‘can’t do it’ people.

As I’ve got older I’ve found myself getting more and more irritated by the people that no matter what is thrown at them always see the negative and say ‘oh I can’t do that’ instead of thinking ‘I need to find a way around this’.

AIBU to slowly cut these people out of my life? My tolerance is waining in my older age... it must be so draining to live like that.

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 15/01/2021 18:10

""Plan and prepare for every possibility, and you will never act. It is nobler to have courage as we stumble into half the things we fear than to analyse every possible obstacle and begin nothing. Great things are achieved by embracing great dangers.""

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 18:11

@Royalbloo

I agree - it doesn't bother me until they try and taint you with their views! "Oh, you'll really struggle with that." "Oh, how will you find the time to do that?"

None of your business, lazy bones!

Yeah really good point. We have family like this and I hate telling them anything at all because they're such a downer. Everything is a negative. They can't be pleased for anyone. Surprise surprise they have done surprisingly little with the vast advantages they've been given in life.
GettingAwayWithIt · 15/01/2021 18:13

@B33Fr33

It must be great to have enough privilege that you've not ever dealt with something that stopped you.
You often find that it’s those who had less privilege to be the ones determined to achieve something in life, whatever they choose that something to be. Fall down eight times, get up nine and all that.
SnowflakeCulture · 15/01/2021 18:14

I used to encourage people in the past
Now I just think losers
Some people are happy being poor and stupid - leave them to it

SchrodingersImmigrant · 15/01/2021 18:17

Askholes are the worst.

I also also separate people into "I wish" and "I want"
"I wish I could do x" "I can recommend some good website to learn from" "Nooo. That's ok. I don't have time ha. But I wish I could do that"

"I want to do x" "I can recommend some good website to learn from" "Great! Send me links when you can"

shinynewapple2021 · 15/01/2021 18:18

For me, it depends on whether I really wanted to do whatever it is in the first place !

FrippEnos · 15/01/2021 18:19

There is nothing worse than a "can do" person suggesting things that you know won't work as you have tried them. (or little things like the law would get in the way)

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/01/2021 18:25

Yep Kennelmaid👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

‘Can do’ is often impractical and not thought through properly.

Royalbloo · 15/01/2021 18:26

SchrodingersImmigrant askholes! Oh. My. God. Yes!

"How did you get a job there?!"
Ask if they have ever applied for a job there, "No..."

"My awful boyfriend won't marry me!"
Why would you want them to?

AgnesNaismith · 15/01/2021 18:28

Hmmm.....

Well, I think no is a complete sentence and so when things can’t be done - it’s ok to say so.

In other words ‘can do’ people may also be people pleasers who are on a path to eventual self-destruction.

user184628462 · 15/01/2021 18:33

@B33Fr33

It must be great to have enough privilege that you've not ever dealt with something that stopped you.
Indeed.
DumplingsAndStew · 15/01/2021 18:40

It really depends on what the topic is...

"I couldn't possibly fill my own car with petrol" - YANBU
"I'm not able bodied enough to do pole dancing" - YABU
"I can't find the time to clean the toilet more than once a month" - YANBU
"I have to get a cleaner in, as my disability prevents me doing everything myself" - YABU

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/01/2021 18:43

"I have to get a cleaner in, as my disability prevents me doing everything myself" - YABU

Except my friend who has severe dust allergy. As indeed do l, and l was advised to get a cleaner if possible...

Original poster
BurningRed · 15/01/2021 18:44

Yes @LittleRa, we have the same job.

Two examples from this week:

  • other teacher I work with, refusing to do a pre recorded lesson because he’d never done one before. I hadn’t, but it took me TEN minutes to work it out.
  • a friend who admittedly has had a tough 12 months, just constantly moans about everything. She’s got a fantastic, supportive family, a beautiful home but fails to see the positive in anything. It’s so draining and I’ve tried so hard with her over the years but frankly I’m at the end of my tether.

I have many issues with the way I was bought up but thank goodness my parents instilled in me the value of independence and thinking for myself/working myself out of the shit!

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 15/01/2021 18:44

By the specialist.

2bazookas · 15/01/2021 18:46

@GoldenEvilHoor

I think this is often down to lack of confidence. As I have aged I have become less confident and therefore less competent. I have not had the chance to try new things and I think that challenging yourself to try new things is the key to confidence. I don't believe this is always down to just being negative and not trying. It's deeper.
You've not had a chance to try new things?

We live in an affluent safe country with free libraries, free radio and TV, you've got online access, and still can't find anything new to try?

teenage · 15/01/2021 18:48

I'll have a go at most things, and as a result I have opportunities and experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. I like being around people who do the same, so, I would say YANBU.

Iamanunsafebuilding · 15/01/2021 18:53

@Hardbackwriter

I absolutely know what you mean - I have a colleague who is very 'can't do' and it's so incredibly draining. I do think it's worse for her than it is for the people around her, though - she's not a happy person and seems to feel completely trapped. So I try (though frequently fail) to feel sympathy rather than annoyance. That said, I think you're justified to cut these people out of your personal life, as they really can bring everyone else down with them.
I have a colleague like this, deliberately awkward so asking her to do a core task is so difficult that I mostly ask someone else to do it... So negative and really draining, does my head in but I think my perpetual optimism drives her just as mad to be fair!
Love51 · 15/01/2021 18:54

OP look into learned helplessness.
There was quite a lot of research into this back when formal psychology was in its infancy.

MistleTOEboughski · 15/01/2021 18:54

I used to be very enthusiastic but a lot of failures at things I have tried has ground me down.

LittleRa · 15/01/2021 18:55

@BurningRed

Yes *@LittleRa*, we have the same job.

Two examples from this week:

  • other teacher I work with, refusing to do a pre recorded lesson because he’d never done one before. I hadn’t, but it took me TEN minutes to work it out.
  • a friend who admittedly has had a tough 12 months, just constantly moans about everything. She’s got a fantastic, supportive family, a beautiful home but fails to see the positive in anything. It’s so draining and I’ve tried so hard with her over the years but frankly I’m at the end of my tether.

I have many issues with the way I was bought up but thank goodness my parents instilled in me the value of independence and thinking for myself/working myself out of the shit!

I find this a lot with colleagues with ICT related things actually- “I can’t work computers!” “No one’s ever shown me how to use that programme!” “I don’t know how to send things to that printer” “The speakers aren’t working in my classroom” Well, you’ve got a Facebook account and manage to post photos, statuses and share posts.
Royalbloo · 15/01/2021 18:56

Just because something stops you, doesn't mean you have to necessarily give up.

Royalbloo · 15/01/2021 18:57

Plus, mostly people ask me for help, I say yes then I google it. Could have done that yourself.

Like people who post on social media to ask when the doctors opens - ffs!

TopBants · 15/01/2021 18:58

I think it's all very well and good being an obliging yes man, but I've seen them work themselves into the ground trying to put other people's (frankly bloody stupid) visions into action, only to have the instruction to scrap all their hard work when the person at the top who had the bloody stupid idea finally realises it's bloody stupid.

I'd rather someone point out that it's a bloody stupid idea at the start and save everyone the aggro tbh.

Stovetopespresso · 15/01/2021 19:00

@Cornetttttto

I have no time for that kind of negativity. People choose their behaviours.
only to a certain extent, its frustrating but it can be a difficult hole to dig yourself out of if you have had bad luck, bad health, depression etc