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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SS and being blamed

94 replies

stuckinthemiddlewithyou1 · 15/01/2021 13:45

Im so sad
My SS has been diagnosed with Chronic Teen Depression and a dose of Chronic Apathy thrown in the mix and I am being blamed for it because why? Because he says so.
This is such a long story and I dont have the time to go into all the details but basically my DH and his ex split when SS was about 5 or 6 and I came into his life two or so years after.
The divorce was ugly and from what I can understand, their marriage was no fairytale romance either. Exw fell pregnant with SS 6 weeks after meeting my DH and there were multiple breakups and just not a very happy home.
After divorce, exw moved around trying to find her feet. My DH saw kids (there is a younger SD too) EOW and tried really hard to maintain a relationship with kids under what I think are pretty shitty circumstances (divorce is not ideal for anybody)
SS decided to come live with us at age 13 after a fight with his StepDad (mom remarried). I think he thought life would be like it was EOW - Fun non stop and it wasnt, there was school and sport and responsibilities and he didnt like it. The more we tried to set boundaries for phone use, internet use, gaming the more he pushed back, The more we encouraged sports, school and being a part of our family, the more he lied to get out of these things. Until one massive argument (he was 16 now) with me about lying to the school because he wanted to stay home and game. I lost my shit. I wont lie. He lied to me and I defended him to the Headmaster at school and I was upset that he let me look like a fool.

Anyway, he ran off to his mom and moved back to her house. Told her we emotionally abused him and my husband physically abused him (he has never laid a hand on him). She has let him sit all day and play on his computer with unfettered access to online gaming etc for 3 years. As a result he has finished school but almost failed, has failed a year certificate course and is now sitting on her couch doing nothing with no social life and complete apathy to life in general. My DH has suggested counselling and therapy for years for his son and nothing has been done about it until now where its got to the point where he is in her and her husbands way by doing nothing and having no plan.

What has come out of therapy is the one argument with me which led to him leaving and thats why he is chronically depressed - Basically I was so terrible to him that Ive ruined him. Im so pissed off that nobody has looked into the kids early life where he lived in an unhappy marriage with his parents, his mothers moving around, the multiple schools he had to attend as a result etc etc etc

I also believe that some people are prone to a certain disposition to run when things get tough and this kid has run from his moms to us because life was tough, then again from us and back to his mom because it was tough and has nowhere to go now that things are tough again and has been forced to face his demons and his blaming me for them. How can I be solely responsible for one persons life problems?

And please, Im all prepared here to be ravaged by the anti SM brigade so fire away.

And please dont take the harshness of my post to come to conclusion that I am a bad person. Im pretty pissed off right now. Ive done more for this kid (obviously in my opinion) than both his parents.

OP posts:

Pippa234 · 15/01/2021 13:49

You have every right to be pissed off.
What does your DH think about this?
Is he actually going on with this blame game?

Original poster

stuckinthemiddlewithyou1 · 15/01/2021 13:51

And fyi - My husband isnt blaming me. He is obviously reflective and feeling like a crap parent responsible for his sons mental health problems.

The therapist has issued a report to SS parents to say that SS relationship with me is the cause of all of this..... So my SS has blamed me for all his problems and because he says so, thats just what it is apparently!

OP posts:

Original poster

stuckinthemiddlewithyou1 · 15/01/2021 13:57

It also needs to be said that I have emails from exw to my DH telling him that my SS doesnt 'like' me and refers to me as looking like 'some animal' (Im not going to say for fear of being outed) - This is years before he moved in with us and was about 8 years old.
Also have proof that exw has told SS that I am to blame for the demise of their marriage - Ie I was the OW meanwhile we met months after she kicked him out and was living in a bedsit.

Yet - I still took this kid into my home and tried to give him the stable life he so needed.

I just feel that it is so one-sided. Nobody has asked me or met with my DH and I before issuing a verdict!

OP posts:

Original poster

stuckinthemiddlewithyou1 · 15/01/2021 14:00

So because he says I am the problem in his life I just am and thats the verdict.
Now he needs therapy to 'get over it and fix his life'

OP posts:

Knittedfairies · 15/01/2021 14:01

Have you actually had sight of the report?

harknesswitch · 15/01/2021 14:02

I think you just need to take a step back from your Ss and let his parents sort it out. Try and grow a thicker skin and ignore any comments that come your way. You're on a hiding to nothing I'm afraid and you can't 'fix' this on your own or until your Ss wants to. Unfortunately it seems you've given him his smoking gun and he's using it to blame you. That way he gets everything he wants and his behaviour is your fault. Step back, there's nothing to be gained by involving yourself further. You know the truth.

BonnieLisbon · 15/01/2021 14:06

I think it sounds like your SS has generally had a disrupted and unstable life and it doesn't sound like it's your fault. Of course you were going to be cross that you'd been tricked into lying to the school.

NewYearNewLockdown · 15/01/2021 14:12

He's just hitting out at you because you're an easy target.
One day he will see that you had his best interests at heart unlike his mother. Honestly who lets their kids sit on computer games all day with no job/college/future plans etc?
Don't worry about it OP setting boundaries shows that you cared and any therapist will know this.
Take a step back and hope he sorts himself out.

Boulshired · 15/01/2021 14:12

It’s a report of the information provided and not a statement of fact. He sounds confused, lost and angry. This might be his truth, and more of a reflection of his current state of mind. With all the blame between parents it’s him who is currently failing in life. He might actually need someone to blame just to keep going in.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 15/01/2021 14:18

I'd guess it's easier to blame you than admit his parents didnt do a great job and that he is partly responsible for his own issues as well. He does sound depressed and angry and although it's hard, it doesn't sound like he has a great life with any proper relationships with friends or a stable relationship with family so is maybe understandable though I know it's very difficult to see it like that when you're being made the scapegoat. You and your husband know the truth and that will have to be enough for now. I'm not sure that arguing back and creating more drama, even if you're in the right, is what he needs right now

AIMD · 15/01/2021 14:19

I’m wondering why you don’t just step away from this issue at this point.

If he is your step son and he has 2 parents then step away and leave them to deal with (or not) him.

Do you have an opportunity to speak to the therapist to explore why they have suggested you might be the cause? Presumably they would be aware relationship are often strained between children and step parents, also I would have thought any decent therapist would consider early trauma too.
Can you give a quote from the report where it says it’s your fault (obviously nothing that identifies anyone). I’m wondering if the comment you take as blaming you sounds more neutral to someone outside?

AIMD · 15/01/2021 14:19

Are you angry ss is blaming you or the therapist? Or both?

Doublefaced · 15/01/2021 14:25

‘ I still took this kid into my home’

Did his dad not live there too?

confusednotcom · 15/01/2021 14:44

Make it clear you don't accept the analysis and that in your opinion (and mine) you went above and beyond in caring for your SS. You'll be there for him if he does want a relationship with you but his situation is of his own making, not yours, and you wish him well. The end! Glad DH is being so supportive.

billy1966 · 15/01/2021 14:46

OP,

You are an easy target for him and his parents.

They are all quite happy for this narrative to stand?

The therapist doesn't sound as if she has investigated much 🙄......one argument is highly unlikely to have caused this.

Leave them to it.
Tell your hus and to sort his child out with his ex wife and leave you completely out of it.

This circusbis not of your making and not yours to fix.

His parents need to help this boy.
It sounds as if they have all abdicated their responsibilities conveniently enough.

Step away.

willloman · 15/01/2021 14:46

step back and wash your hands. leave messy boy to parents. do not get dragged into their muck. also step son has lived at mums for considerable time - up to her to kick him off couch. also he can't be a teenager for much longer, time to grow up.
but mainly step right away and don't be tempted to be drawn in.

BornIn78 · 15/01/2021 14:51

I don't believe for even a minute that there is a report from a professional stating that you are the cause of your SS 'depression'.

Have you or your DH actually seen this report with your own eyes?

Anyway, it sounds like a great excuse to step right back and leave the parents to sort this kid out. Tell your DH it's no longer your circus, not your monkeys. Over to him and his ex, let them crack on with it.

BooBahBoo · 15/01/2021 14:52

I'd them all crack on, tbh. Let them all know that you're no longer acting in a SM capacity. If he wants to blame you, take yourself out of the situation. Your DH and his ex need to work out a plan together of how to fix things for their son, and you need to let them do it with minimal involvement.

As harsh as it sounds, him failing school etc isn't your issue. It's his and his parents. You tried, it didn't work out.

Standrewsschool · 15/01/2021 14:53

Have you copies of school reports, meetings with teachers, details of the clubs and sport you encouraged etc, as proof of what you have done?

Can you you document all this, including when you met his dad etc, so if anyone wants the evidence, you have it all prepared.

Virtual hug and for you. You sound like you feel you have been kicked in the teeth, for all the help and support you have tried to give to your SS.

What’s the view of younger sd?

BonnieLisbon · 15/01/2021 14:56

In future in your situation I'd leave it to your dh to deal with the school. You tried to do the right thing by defending your SS to the school. It turned out you were tricked into this and then to compound it he blamed you for all his problems because you had the audacity to be cross about this.

OhCaptain · 15/01/2021 14:57

I’m really surprised that a qualified therapist couldn’t see through “this one argument has made me depressed”.

It sounds like she jumped on an excuse and issued a report. Not very good at her job then?

Also, why is his mother getting a report for an adult? He’s 19 now is he not?

Anyway, what can you do? Wash your hands of the whole thing OP! Seriously.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/01/2021 14:58

Yeah agree with PPS, there's no way a therapist would conclude that all your SSs problems are because of one argument with you (or one argument with anybody for that matter)

It is upsetting but if I were you I would just stay as far away from out of all this stuff as you can. Don't allow yourself to be the punchbag

MadeForThis · 15/01/2021 15:02

I would totally back off. He's an adult now and needs to take responsibility for his own life. If he wants to blame his lack of motivation and focus on one argument with you then you will never be able to change his mind.

Soontobe60 · 15/01/2021 15:03

A report would only detail what the client has said to the therapist, it would not lay blame at anyone’s door specifically. I smell bull about this report. Your DH should ask for a copy - if indeed there is one!
You need to take a step back from this situation, for your own mental health. You cannot change the past, you cannot change this person’s mother, who seems to be doing all the harm. Don’t take on any guilt!

Robbybobtail · 15/01/2021 15:03

Are you sure this isn’t a pile of horseshit (to make you feel bad?)
It seems like blaming you is the easy option.

Also I’d take what some of these therapists say with a pinch of salt. Although a different situation, my eldest ds had some stuff going on (think Tourette’s type problems)that seemed to be causing him some embarrassment. Finally, after through going to our gp we were sent to see an nhs therapist. First we went in together and she asked us what was going on and we both spoke about the problems he was having. I then left the room whilst she spoke to him alone - all fine. Except she then basically came out after about 10 minutes and told me she didn’t believe that it was that much of a problem for him and that unless he was really feeling that he needed help she would just send us on our merry way! When I asked ds afterwards he said she had just questioned him about whether he felt it affected him negatively in school etc and to which he replied not really as he didn’t really realise he was doing it and had lots of friends etc but when people looked at him it made him feel embarrassed. She decided from this that he didn’t need any further help. The way she spoke to me afterwards really made me feel that she felt I was the one with the problem and that I’d somehow pushed my own embarrassment onto him and forced him to go to the doctor which was absolute crap as ds was the one who had asked me to take him.
My point being that some of these “therapists” are absolutely shite and couldn’t really give a crap - they just want to palm you off with a quick “one size fits all” answer and get you out the door.
We ended up going private and that helped him immensely.

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