SS and being blamed

[stuckinthemiddlewithyou1]

Im so sad
My SS has been diagnosed with Chronic Teen Depression and a dose of Chronic Apathy thrown in the mix and I am being blamed for it because why? Because he says so.
This is such a long story and I dont have the time to go into all the details but basically my DH and his ex split when SS was about 5 or 6 and I came into his life two or so years after.
The divorce was ugly and from what I can understand, their marriage was no fairytale romance either. Exw fell pregnant with SS 6 weeks after meeting my DH and there were multiple breakups and just not a very happy home.
After divorce, exw moved around trying to find her feet. My DH saw kids (there is a younger SD too) EOW and tried really hard to maintain a relationship with kids under what I think are pretty shitty circumstances (divorce is not ideal for anybody)
SS decided to come live with us at age 13 after a fight with his StepDad (mom remarried). I think he thought life would be like it was EOW - Fun non stop and it wasnt, there was school and sport and responsibilities and he didnt like it. The more we tried to set boundaries for phone use, internet use, gaming the more he pushed back, The more we encouraged sports, school and being a part of our family, the more he lied to get out of these things. Until one massive argument (he was 16 now) with me about lying to the school because he wanted to stay home and game. I lost my shit. I wont lie. He lied to me and I defended him to the Headmaster at school and I was upset that he let me look like a fool.

Anyway, he ran off to his mom and moved back to her house. Told her we emotionally abused him and my husband physically abused him (he has never laid a hand on him). She has let him sit all day and play on his computer with unfettered access to online gaming etc for 3 years. As a result he has finished school but almost failed, has failed a year certificate course and is now sitting on her couch doing nothing with no social life and complete apathy to life in general. My DH has suggested counselling and therapy for years for his son and nothing has been done about it until now where its got to the point where he is in her and her husbands way by doing nothing and having no plan.

What has come out of therapy is the one argument with me which led to him leaving and thats why he is chronically depressed - Basically I was so terrible to him that Ive ruined him. Im so pissed off that nobody has looked into the kids early life where he lived in an unhappy marriage with his parents, his mothers moving around, the multiple schools he had to attend as a result etc etc etc

I also believe that some people are prone to a certain disposition to run when things get tough and this kid has run from his moms to us because life was tough, then again from us and back to his mom because it was tough and has nowhere to go now that things are tough again and has been forced to face his demons and his blaming me for them. How can I be solely responsible for one persons life problems?

And please, Im all prepared here to be ravaged by the anti SM brigade so fire away.

And please dont take the harshness of my post to come to conclusion that I am a bad person. Im pretty pissed off right now. Ive done more for this kid (obviously in my opinion) than both his parents.

Sounds kinda lazy on the part of the therapist tbh.

Agree with Aria.

The therapist hasn't met you and (if what your DH's ex says re: the report is true) is basing a professional opinion on the word of one person without exploring the relationships any further.

I appreciate that a therapist has to have unconditional acceptance of what they are being told, but that doesn't mean they just accept any line that they are being fed. It means that they don't undermine the client, and support them, while maintaining a healthy and professional awareness that they are only getting one side of the story.

Any possibility he is abusing drugs? Much of what you describe points that direction.

@HannaYeah highly doubt it. Kid is paralysed by a fear of doing anything and is completely anti social and spends his life in his room. He considers his mom his best and only friend. I don’t think the opportunity would be able to present itself to do drugs. I would rule out addiction but it’s more likely to do with internet use, gaming and anime.

*wouldnt rule out

For a start he's 19 and a man. Stop calling kid, child or boy. Perhaps you should all start treating him like an adult. I have a feeling noone expects him to help with chores or any sort of adult responsibility. A home, food, games and money are providered for him. Why would he change? He's living the dream.

You are a convenient target. The more you fight against that the more the EXW and SS will come for you.

The SS already had issues when he came to stay.

Try and just ignore it all. Tough I know.

it's so difficult. We are going through something similar with DD (16) ... I think it's often professonals that look at fault in the home rather than looking at the wider issues.

"The therapist has issued a report to SS parents to say that SS relationship with me is the cause of all of this."

That doesn't say that you are the problem. A relationship is a two-way thing, not to mention that things other people have said may have affected the relationship too.

The thing that struck me was this:

*2. Complete apathy to everything. He sees no consequence to doing nothing. Tomorrow doesn’t even feature on his radar of worries.

1. He is paralyzed by fear. Doesn’t want to learn to drive for example.*

To me, those two lines sound contradictory. Being paralyzed by fear and apathy are completely at odds with one another - the former suggests he does nothing and is not remotely bothered, the second suggests he does nothing because he's too scared to risk doing anything.

In general he just sounds like an average late-teens/early-20s loser. He'll probably grow out of it, eventually he'll have too. People don't magically become an adult when they hit 18, some people don't really become adults until they're close to 30.

[quote stuckinthemiddlewithyou1]@HannaYeah highly doubt it. Kid is paralysed by a fear of doing anything and is completely anti social and spends his life in his room. He considers his mom his best and only friend. I don’t think the opportunity would be able to present itself to do drugs. I would rule out addiction but it’s more likely to do with internet use, gaming and anime.[/quote]
You know the Internet sells drugs too?

@contrmary

The thing that struck me was this:

*2. Complete apathy to everything. He sees no consequence to doing nothing. Tomorrow doesn’t even feature on his radar of worries.

1. He is paralyzed by fear. Doesn’t want to learn to drive for example.*

To me, those two lines sound contradictory. Being paralyzed by fear and apathy are completely at odds with one another - the former suggests he does nothing and is not remotely bothered, the second suggests he does nothing because he's too scared to risk doing anything.

In general he just sounds like an average late-teens/early-20s loser. He'll probably grow out of it, eventually he'll have too. People don't magically become an adult when they hit 18, some people don't really become adults until they're close to 30.

Not really.

Scared to do things so rarely does
Finaly does something, it goes badly
Feel worse and more scared
Stop doing things because they always end badly
Apatheticaly avoid everything, if you've got no plans you've got nothing to fear

@BonnieLisbon

Has your dh seen the report? Did it definitely say that?

Agreed

this is very unusual 🌺

Step away. This is your dh’s domain.
My experience of being a sp are the exact same. I got scape goated so that dh maintained some degree of being a decent dad, he was/is lazy and fairly uninterested. I am still the scape goat but don’t engage anymore.

@Sinful8 I am pretty certain he is not doing drugs. The internet is his drug. Anime is his drug. Online gaming is his drug. All forms of escapism from real life.
Just got his academic report from his student support at university. He failed so badly that his result don’t even reflect someone who tried.

I knew this 6 months ago when my husband got a hand drawn badly spelt birthday card from SS that looked like the same card produced by the same kid when he was 11. I’m not joking, the cards are identical. Do you want to know what course he has been ‘studying’? Creative development and graphic design... it’s like sending your child to an elite chef school and they produce a peanut butter and jam Sarmie for your birthday dinner. Please understand that he has done nothing, grown nothing emotionally or academically at all. The results he got are pitiful... think below 15%. And that’s for the subjects he did sit. I presume the zeros are for no shows.

But wait.... he is too depressed to have functioned so we can’t blame him.

I’m having similar problems with my own dd. I put in boundaries and now she hates me, has gone to live elsewhere, and bad mouths me.

Give up and let his mum deal with it all. If you take a step back he will have to find someone else to blame...

That makes sense. Addiction is addiction no matter the “drug”.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing, just support your husband but also take care of yourself. Vent here, and don’t let yourself be swept aside completely. It’s easy for a loving father to focus on their child to the point of forgetting everything else around when their child is struggling.

Encourage your husband to read and educate himself. The Teenage Brain was one book that was helpful book for us. He might benefit from counseling also.

He should push back on his ex when she spouts this nonsense about you, because if getting the son help is truly important to them, blaming others will get in the way of him getting healthy.

Some of his behavior is teen bullshit for a child of divorce with parents that are not on the same page.

ADHD - inattentive type? The apathy, lack of focus, lack of application, anxiety, hyper-focus on some things rings alarm bells for me as someone with that diagnosis and with an 18 year old daughter who struggles with similar behaviours. Obviously he’s got other family stuff going on but it might be worth at least discounting it via a psychiatric assessment with someone who specialises in ADHD but also makes a general assessment. Drug use and risky and/or impulsive behaviour can be an element in an attempt to get a hit of dopamine which is somehow not efficiently used our type of neuro-diversity. The dopamine issue appears to be the problem in the apparent “lazy” behaviour. If it is relevant then there are very specific structured psychological therapy approaches and medication. The thing about this ADHD type is that it is so often missed because many people believe ADHD to be the preserve of “naughty disruptive hyper ten year old boys”. So as children we are written off as lazy and/or stupid/our own worst enemy. It’s impossible, often one wants something very badly and can’t understand oneself; why we just don’t bother? ADHD isn’t depression but that is unsurprisingly one of the major co-morbidities. And anxiety, who wants to try new things if you can’t trust yourself?

I’m not trying to armchair diagnose but counselling is a total waste of time if this is the problem and if the “therapist” (I’m not quite clear if it’s a counsellor, psychotherapist or a psychologist he’s seeing; they’re not the same) isn’t working off a diagnosis and instruction from a psych/psychologist then they could just go round the houses forever. I know it’s up to him and his parents but I’d get this type of assessment first.

OP don’t let yourself be guilted into having him back into your home. He has shown you such disrespect. 19 is old enough either to get a job, or to claim disability benefits if he really is too unwell to cope with life.