SS and being blamed

[stuckinthemiddlewithyou1]

Im so sad
My SS has been diagnosed with Chronic Teen Depression and a dose of Chronic Apathy thrown in the mix and I am being blamed for it because why? Because he says so.
This is such a long story and I dont have the time to go into all the details but basically my DH and his ex split when SS was about 5 or 6 and I came into his life two or so years after.
The divorce was ugly and from what I can understand, their marriage was no fairytale romance either. Exw fell pregnant with SS 6 weeks after meeting my DH and there were multiple breakups and just not a very happy home.
After divorce, exw moved around trying to find her feet. My DH saw kids (there is a younger SD too) EOW and tried really hard to maintain a relationship with kids under what I think are pretty shitty circumstances (divorce is not ideal for anybody)
SS decided to come live with us at age 13 after a fight with his StepDad (mom remarried). I think he thought life would be like it was EOW - Fun non stop and it wasnt, there was school and sport and responsibilities and he didnt like it. The more we tried to set boundaries for phone use, internet use, gaming the more he pushed back, The more we encouraged sports, school and being a part of our family, the more he lied to get out of these things. Until one massive argument (he was 16 now) with me about lying to the school because he wanted to stay home and game. I lost my shit. I wont lie. He lied to me and I defended him to the Headmaster at school and I was upset that he let me look like a fool.

Anyway, he ran off to his mom and moved back to her house. Told her we emotionally abused him and my husband physically abused him (he has never laid a hand on him). She has let him sit all day and play on his computer with unfettered access to online gaming etc for 3 years. As a result he has finished school but almost failed, has failed a year certificate course and is now sitting on her couch doing nothing with no social life and complete apathy to life in general. My DH has suggested counselling and therapy for years for his son and nothing has been done about it until now where its got to the point where he is in her and her husbands way by doing nothing and having no plan.

What has come out of therapy is the one argument with me which led to him leaving and thats why he is chronically depressed - Basically I was so terrible to him that Ive ruined him. Im so pissed off that nobody has looked into the kids early life where he lived in an unhappy marriage with his parents, his mothers moving around, the multiple schools he had to attend as a result etc etc etc

I also believe that some people are prone to a certain disposition to run when things get tough and this kid has run from his moms to us because life was tough, then again from us and back to his mom because it was tough and has nowhere to go now that things are tough again and has been forced to face his demons and his blaming me for them. How can I be solely responsible for one persons life problems?

And please, Im all prepared here to be ravaged by the anti SM brigade so fire away.

And please dont take the harshness of my post to come to conclusion that I am a bad person. Im pretty pissed off right now. Ive done more for this kid (obviously in my opinion) than both his parents.

Ha, he will be blaming the stepfather soon!

OP, from what you have said, and it does ring true, you have done your best for the young man, I think you can have a clear conscience on that score.

He is a young adult now, must be 19? Time to make his own way in the world if he doesn’t like living with his parents.

I think it's very unusual for a therapist to write a report on their 19yo client and send it to the client's parents.

Yeah right you are sweet boy!

Somewhere in a larger paragraph the therapist would have said something like SS doesn't have a good relationship with his SM and, after one argument with her, left his DFs home to go back to his DM.

It won't say DS has a shitty SM who is the cause of all of his issues.

He, and his DM possibly, are leaping upon that to shift blame and not to have to take any ownership. Which is really sad for the boy as one good step towards feeling better about himself and gaining real perspective and some control in his life would be to see that he played a large part in his own supposed downfall!

It's not unknown for teenage stepchildren to have an argument with one parent and go running off to the other. I agree to take a step back. Leave him for his parents to deal with. There isn't a magic answer to dealing with some teenagers. Except hoping they will see sense eventually.

Has your dh seen the report? Did it definitely say that?

It's a teenagers view and not a balanced adult reflection ( obviously)
Hopefully he will now get a skilled therapist who will unpick this more

You have done all you can
sometimes people need yo kick out at someone

It's so unfair after all your hard work
But What's more important is he gets help and gets better ,in time he will appreciate what you've done

Therapists don't write reports on 19 year olds because they are adults and everything said, unless it risks life, is confidential, even under the age of 19. Why are you getting wound up about this? Just stop. There's no report, and even if there was, it would be from a rubbish therapist. I agree with everyone, back off, let his mum and dad sort him out.

@Knittedfairies

Have you actually had sight of the report?

^This.

It's very unusual for a therapist to be issuing any sort of "report" regarding a client. Unless your SS is claiming ESA and it's part of that?

Is he seeing a psychologist or a psychiatrist, or is it a counsellor? Only the first two can give a medical diagnosis, BTW. If he's seeing a counsellor, then they aren't medical professionals and cannot diagnose depression, anxiety, or any other illness.

Try to step back from this emotionally. It is very very hard and frightening for children to blame their parents for their emotional difficulties when there is a convenient external figure to blame - especially when one parent (his mum, in this case) is encouraging the child to think ill of that person and has been busily re-writing the narrative to suit themselves.

It's a very painful process to recognise when our parents have let us down and that in fact a step-parent/aunt/family friend/teacher was trying their best to nurture and care for us in the face of shit treatment by our bio parent.

I would step away and let his parents sort it out. If you are supposedly the problem after doing everything you can to help him then surely if you are not in the mix with him everything should be rosy. I know it is hard for you but I believe it is not your circus anymore.

Here’s a couple of links about adolescent depression that might be useful
youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/depression/
www.teenagerstranslated.co.uk/parent-courses.php

He is blaming you as you are an easy target and it’s easy to blame someone other than your crappy parents. Take a step back and leave him to it.

My brother suffers from severe depression and likes to blame everyone’s else’s for how he is rather than taking a good look at himself and the situations he gets himself into. It’s easy to point the finger.

I had the same childhood, I just made different life choices than he did.

Why are you so concerned by a very superficial judgement (from the therapist) based on fantasy and outright lies? That poor judgement only reflects on the therapist. It shows HIM in a very bad light.

. You KNOW you're not to blame so don';t let anyone gaslight you.

I think it's outrageous that you're being blamed as the sole cause of this young man's difficulties, and any intelligent person, even with the small synopsis of events you've provided here, can see that the problems go all the way back to early childhood and are multi-layered and complex.

My experience of CAMHS is that they don't really "do" multi-layered and complex - they have neither the time nor the resources to do justice to a young person's problems and therapy provided by them tends towards simply affirming everything an angry, irrational teenager says in the heat of the moment and assigning blame very quickly. It does enormous harm to families and can make already fragile relationships worse.

Having said that, you can't do anything about the bigger picture or the lamentable parenting your DSS has experienced, and neither should you be expected to. The only thing you can do is reflect on the role you have had, albeit nothing like the pivotal role you're being assigned by DSS and the therapist. What was actually said when you "lost your shit"? How bad was it? Is it possible that in your anger, you struck too close to the bone and created a genuine trigger that he has struggled with? Also when you say he was encouraged to take part in sports/be a part of the family, what do you mean by that? How did it look from his side of the fence, if he really didn't want to do these things?

To be clear, I am not blaming you for your DSS's problems and think it's appalling that you're being expected to carry the can for what sounds like crap parenting and chronic instability in his formative years. But if you want to understand why you're being scapegoated and address it, I would look more closely at what he's saying about what happened between you, and why he thinks it was such a big deal. He may have a very different memory of events from yours or your partner's.

It is easy for everyone in the family to blame you for what has happened but that doesn't mean that you are to blame.

It seems far more likely that the therapist was reporting what dss said about the cause of issues rather than this being their considered judgment.

You would need to see the actual wording to know this.

I am wondering if you are in the UK? If you are in the USA for example the way that therapists work is significantly different in terms of diagnoses etc.

Have you seen this report yourself?

He can't blame ONE argument with you about the demise of his future. Not saying he hasn't got MH issues but think as he's fixated on this one argument he needs some hard truths.

Have you considered family counselling?

I 100% agree with everyone who has said you are an easy target, both for your stepson and his Mum. I am a stepmother and have had a few run in's along the way and at the time (when he was a teen), it was hard for him to see that his Mum had done any wrong. She was always the good guy and wanted to be seen to be the best parent. When he was 17 he had to have quite a big operation, we had taken him to all the consultant appointments and scans but she had to be the one to take him in on the day and tell the world how great she was. However, she left the weekly physio trips that went on for months to me (with a baby tagging along too) . She never insisted on life skills or chores but we did (cue the arguments!!) and never visited any uni's with him but insisted on moving him in when he did go. 10 years on, he can see who was the positive influence in his life and asked me for turkey cooking tips on Christmas Day!! A (probably non-existant) report means nothing, people who were there for him mean everything. Step back and let them get on with it, as he gets older he will see who had his back and who messed up. Best of luck x

You have no idea what sort of onesided, self-justifying, I-never-had-a-chance rubbish your SS has told the therapist.

He won't complain about his other and stepfather because he is financially dependent upon them.

He won't complain about his dad because he's hoping to split the two of you up.

YOU are the natural scapegoat for a child (I use this in the broadest sense) who has been over-indulged and neglected - because over-indulgence is neglect - it is lazy parenting.

YANBU to be pee-d about it.

However Doubt there is anything you can do to put the record straight, so it would be best if you could just rise above it. This is a sh*t-flinging contest he has started so that he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his own life.

Just step away from the battlements and let him get on with it. Your DH supports you and knows the truth. That's all you need. Go NC with this young man until he comes to his senses (if ever).

How old is he?

The therapist sounds like an idiot. You know the truth and your husband knows the truth. That’s what is most important for the two of you to get through this.

Teens can be a nightmare. When parents are divorced and hostile toward one another they can also be very manipulative to both.

He may well grow out of it. My SS is improving with age.

Soontobe60
A report would only detail what the client has said to the therapist, it would not lay blame at anyone’s door specifically. I smell bull about this report. Your DH should ask for a copy - if indeed there is one!
You need to take a step back from this situation, for your own mental health. You cannot change the past, you cannot change this person’s mother, who seems to be doing all the harm. Don’t take on any guilt!

Wise words

@stuckinthemiddlewithyou1
It is clearly a myriad set of circumstances that has caused your stepson to be depressed and apathetic.
You just make a convenient scapegoat.
Your SS needs to take responsibility for himself, and not just drift.
Good firm boundaries and fair discipline -not hitting- is what he needs.

An active hobby or sport would be ideal,but
Sounds like he is playing victim at present, which is no good for him or anyone else.

A good counsellor can help, ideally a male one... can you get referred to a suitable “ No nonsense” practical one?

I have seen young men turned around with a bit of self knowledge and help.

But they have to be ready for it.

Yep, agree with PPs. You are just the easiest target OP. It's hard to think of your parents as actually being the ones in the wrong or at fault, he has someone easier he can blame, which is you, and so is choosing to do that rather than face the prospect that it could be his own mum and dad that have failed him in some way.

I'd take a massive step back and let your DH crack on with whatever it is he wants to do. I'm glad he's supporting you though.

@stuckinthemiddlewithyou1
Ss’s mother is probably pushing the “
Stepmother is the cause of all this”
All nonsense of course.

Divorce is really tough on children, but it sounds like stepson is rattling around like a pinball, bouncing people off each other, which means he doesn’t need to look at HIMSELF or his PARENTS.

Don’t get drawn in to the toxic blame game.

@billy1966

OP,

You are an easy target for him and his parents.

They are all quite happy for this narrative to stand?

The therapist doesn't sound as if she has investigated much 🙄......one argument is highly unlikely to have caused this.

Leave them to it.
Tell your hus and to sort his child out with his ex wife and leave you completely out of it.

This circusbis not of your making and not yours to fix.

His parents need to help this boy.
It sounds as if they have all abdicated their responsibilities conveniently enough.

Step away.

If such a report exists it might be the therapist is recording what your SS says is the problem, “SS reports that it is all his SM’s fault” rather than “it’s the fault of his SM”. Speaking as a therapist myself (working with adults so not having contact with another family member of course) I would record the clients version of events and understanding without deciding that it’s correct and absolute fact and it would be information in my clinical notes not in a letter to someone else (even a parent!). And as someone else said, a psychotherapist or a counsellor can’t give an official diagnosis (assuming he’s only seeing a therapist or counsellor?) so it doesn’t quite hang together. If the therapist has written to your DS’s DM to say it’s your fault and given endless details then it sounds like he/she might be someone in private practice unfamiliar with what can and should be said (possibly). Or, more probably, there is no such report.

OP, just wanted to add that sometimes therapists do more harm than good. A friend who's husband cheated on her went to a therapist who told him it wasn't his fault as there were mitigating circumstances (nothing exceptional, believe me); he reported this happy news back to his wife!! They didn't work it out.

I know nothing about therapy, having only seen it on American drama series, yet, I can’t imagine any qualified person, blaming one person for someone else’s depression.
The family are lying.
Take no notice of the idiots, and leave them to get on with their stupid drama
I am so sick of teenage angst, which seems to travel into young adult angst and selfishness.