SS and being blamed

[stuckinthemiddlewithyou1]

Im so sad
My SS has been diagnosed with Chronic Teen Depression and a dose of Chronic Apathy thrown in the mix and I am being blamed for it because why? Because he says so.
This is such a long story and I dont have the time to go into all the details but basically my DH and his ex split when SS was about 5 or 6 and I came into his life two or so years after.
The divorce was ugly and from what I can understand, their marriage was no fairytale romance either. Exw fell pregnant with SS 6 weeks after meeting my DH and there were multiple breakups and just not a very happy home.
After divorce, exw moved around trying to find her feet. My DH saw kids (there is a younger SD too) EOW and tried really hard to maintain a relationship with kids under what I think are pretty shitty circumstances (divorce is not ideal for anybody)
SS decided to come live with us at age 13 after a fight with his StepDad (mom remarried). I think he thought life would be like it was EOW - Fun non stop and it wasnt, there was school and sport and responsibilities and he didnt like it. The more we tried to set boundaries for phone use, internet use, gaming the more he pushed back, The more we encouraged sports, school and being a part of our family, the more he lied to get out of these things. Until one massive argument (he was 16 now) with me about lying to the school because he wanted to stay home and game. I lost my shit. I wont lie. He lied to me and I defended him to the Headmaster at school and I was upset that he let me look like a fool.

Anyway, he ran off to his mom and moved back to her house. Told her we emotionally abused him and my husband physically abused him (he has never laid a hand on him). She has let him sit all day and play on his computer with unfettered access to online gaming etc for 3 years. As a result he has finished school but almost failed, has failed a year certificate course and is now sitting on her couch doing nothing with no social life and complete apathy to life in general. My DH has suggested counselling and therapy for years for his son and nothing has been done about it until now where its got to the point where he is in her and her husbands way by doing nothing and having no plan.

What has come out of therapy is the one argument with me which led to him leaving and thats why he is chronically depressed - Basically I was so terrible to him that Ive ruined him. Im so pissed off that nobody has looked into the kids early life where he lived in an unhappy marriage with his parents, his mothers moving around, the multiple schools he had to attend as a result etc etc etc

I also believe that some people are prone to a certain disposition to run when things get tough and this kid has run from his moms to us because life was tough, then again from us and back to his mom because it was tough and has nowhere to go now that things are tough again and has been forced to face his demons and his blaming me for them. How can I be solely responsible for one persons life problems?

And please, Im all prepared here to be ravaged by the anti SM brigade so fire away.

And please dont take the harshness of my post to come to conclusion that I am a bad person. Im pretty pissed off right now. Ive done more for this kid (obviously in my opinion) than both his parents.

The SS is a liar and an user
Cut contact with him
Let him ruin his life - the loser
He probably doesn't have anything wrong with him and has just lied to be able to sit on his arse all day

Don't believe there is a report or if there is, only SS has seen it. You are an easy target as an outsider. He doesn't want to blame himself or his parents. Ultimately he is the one suffering

I struggle to believe such a report exists, especially with no exploration of his early life.

Regardless, just detach from it all. At the end of the day he's not your responsibility. He has a mother and a father. He's not your problem. It's not your couch he's sitting on all day doing nothing.

You tried, as any decent person would and should. It didn't work. That's not on you. That's on him and his parents.

Accept how he feels,but not the blame and just keep away from it all. His mum and dad can sort it out if they're so inclined.

This is not your circus and he's definitely not your monkey.

Thanks for all the replies. They have made me feel a bit better.
I haven’t seen the report, it’s based on a conversation my DH has had with his ex. We are not in the UK so although there are probably patient confidentiality laws it would seem that the psychologist is prepared to discuss my SS sessions with her (I would go as far as to say he may have signed something to allow this) He is seeing a therapist because of his inability to DO anything or ACT on anything or have any idea about life so it is not unfeasible that he would sign off any right to confidentially because he needs his mother involved. He is 19 but seems to have the mental and emotional ability of a child much younger.
It is very possible that this kid does have a MH problem. In fact when he left our home when he was 16 I expressed my concern based on a report we got from a school tutor, yet nothing was done about it then.
I feel like the mother is doing a dirty pass back to us. My husband is wracked with guilt and I can envisage this kid being back with us because he wants to fix it. Whilst I am happy to accept that my SS may have some kind of depression that he needs help with I’m not sure I will cope having him back in our home. I would go so far as so say I have real anxiety about it and my instinct is to just run. I really don’t think I have it in me to try and fix something I didn’t break. It sounds so mean but just don’t think I can 😕

OP neither “Chronic Teen Depression” nor “Chronic Apathy” exist in the IC10 or DSV5, which means either their psych didn’t diagnose them with it, or they’re seeing a quack “therapist” which isn’t a protected title in most countries.

Someone’s talking shit basically.

They also aren’t going to write a report for a parent that states their ex’s new wife is the cause of their MH problems - that’s just ridiculous.

I wonder if the break up of his parents has been described as a stressor, and that’s being taken entirely out of context to suit an agenda.

As PP said not your monkeys not your circus. He sounds very troubled but that’s on his parents to deal with together, not you. Take a step back.

I have no doubt that he is suffering with some sort of MH problem. Whatever is has been called may have been lost in translation between the therapist and the conversation between my DH and his ex.

It is also entirely plausible that I have been blamed as I’m the soft target by my SS and the therapist hasn’t in fact determined this to be the case but rather stated it as a matter of opinion and the ex has just verbatim accepted it to be so. I don’t know.

I’m fucking over it. Unfortunately I don’t think I would have a marriage if I distanced myself from my involvement here. We have a your problem is my problem kinda marriage.... which mostly works because we own a business together. I would love to wash my hands of this kid but that doesn’t seem very loving towards my husband.

And I will be the first to admit that I’m not a soft bosomed Mother Earth type. But having said that, I’m not mean spirited or nasty. My SD and I have a lovely relationship and I have all the time in the world for her because we both being something to our relationship. My SS has been difficult from day 1 in spite of our efforts. And I say ‘our’ because he has treated my husband with such disdain that it hurts me to see him being treated so badly.

Part of me wants to accept that a MH problem can make a person behave in a certain way but part of me wants to know how much can be manipulated and controlled and used as a cloak to disguise a person just being that way inclined. Isn’t it easy to just throw your hands in the air and blame a MH problem and not take accountability, especially as a child? A good therapist will obviously uncover it but Equally a loving parent will believe only the best in their child no matter how terrible they have been treated.

Being a Sm ain’t for sissies!

@stuckinthemiddlewithyou1

I have no doubt that he is suffering with some sort of MH problem. Whatever is has been called may have been lost in translation between the therapist and the conversation between my DH and his ex.

It is also entirely plausible that I have been blamed as I’m the soft target by my SS and the therapist hasn’t in fact determined this to be the case but rather stated it as a matter of opinion and the ex has just verbatim accepted it to be so. I don’t know.

I’m fucking over it. Unfortunately I don’t think I would have a marriage if I distanced myself from my involvement here. We have a your problem is my problem kinda marriage.... which mostly works because we own a business together. I would love to wash my hands of this kid but that doesn’t seem very loving towards my husband.

You misunderstand. While it's not your problem to fix, and you definitely shouldn't take the blame for it ,you can still be supportive(if you want) but that's it.

"Oh that's awful"
"What do you think you should do?"
"What do you want to do about this?"
"I'm sorry you're struggling "

Etc.

What you shouldn't do is try to fix this or worse, take the responsibility of it on your shoulders.

The ex lied to SS and generally in the past so 95% certain she is lying now. Blaming you makes no sense. The diagnosis makes no sense. Giving a 19yo's mum a report makes no sense.

I would forget you even heard it. Its bollocks.

Op have you read @KatieGGGG post? Someone is trying to wind you up and it's worked.

They are not clinically recognizable diagnoses and a nhs therapist doesn't write a report identifying 'the cause' for both parents. Anything discussed with SS would remain confidential.

You can be supportive and not get involved.

This is like Chinese Whispers, it's gone from the SS to the mother, to the father who told you, I don't think what's actually in there (if there is indeed a report and not just a verbal account from the mother) has any relationship with anything.

This 'report' (if it exists) is being used to make your husband feel guilty and perhaps soften him up to take the very troubled nearly 20 year old who does nothing, doesn't work, doesn't do education back into your home. It wouldn't be ok with me either, so I am sympathetic to that. I can see how it would strain your marriage- and likely be pointless to the son who needs really to mature and grow up a bit and stop blaming his step-mum for everything.

Well he clearly can't move back in with you because its all your fault he is like this any parent who suggests this is extremely neglectful

This should be your response should they try and move him back in

@MrsBobDylan OP is not in the UK.
In the USA for example while DSM 5 and ICD 10 are commonly used there are a number of other diagnostic alternatives.
So while it would suggest the therapist isn't using the most common diagnostic manual they may still be using one.
( They could not be I just didn't want people to rush to judgment)

I’d tell them both that you’ll believe it once you see the report.

And by that I mean, believe a licensed therapist blames his problems on you. Not that it is actually valid.

Great advice above OP.

First off it sounds like bullshit.
Secondly, having been blamed, I would not be involved with his future care.
Thirdly, you are being treated poorly.
Protect yourself OP please.

Those saying he has parents and to let them get one it, OP is a parent to her SS. He was living in their house full time from what I understand. Of course she is going to be upset by this.

@AliceinBunniland

Those saying he has parents and to let them get one it, OP is a parent to her SS. He was living in their house full time from what I understand. Of course she is going to be upset by this.

Thank you for this. Maybe I’m not properly versed in marriage or step parenthood but whilst I am happy to distance myself from my SS I just cannot do that to my husband, that doesn’t seem very much like a marriage to me. He is not a bad person and is battling with the fact that apparently his son is not a bad person but is ‘disabled’ by a MH condition which SS says is my fault. What a terrible place to be.

Is he still in contact with therapist?
Have you actually seen a copy of the report.
I would ask for a copy of the report.
Does it actually say it's your fault, specifically ?
"Cause of SS's depression is relationship with SM"? I doubt it.

How does your Dh feel that you are being blamed. That's the most important thing. He should be furious. For you. Standing up for you. "I won't have her blamed". Is he?

I would then prepare a case. 40 different points, addressing the fact you weren't the OW, what date you met, all the good evidence of the clubs you sent him to. Like a solicitor or private investigator, as if you were going to court. Then I'd ask for an appointment with the therapist. Just you and her. And send it to her beforehand, so she knew what you wanted to talk to her about. What have you got to lose?

Only just seen not in UK.

OP after all the good advice above you are missing most of the points. It's as though you aren't listening. Or your responses haven't actually acknowledged them. The main points posters have repeatedly made.
You haven't said, right , I'm going to now do a/b/c.

1)There is a lot of talking you need to do with your Dh. A lot of talking. Damage repair.

2)You haven't told us that you are actually going to ask ex-wife or SS for an actual copy of the report.

Of course we are going to ask for a copy of the report. And my DH is very supportive. He is saying that if the kid is being diagnosed with a MH problem that needs medication and/or therapy then we need to accept that as so and whilst it is not fair to blame me solely we do all need to accept that we have failed him as his parents.

Maybe as a non biological ‘mother’ to this kid I can see through a lot more of his bull shit than his parents so I’m less sympathetic. I’m left wondering how much of a MH is self inflicted and how much is out of a persons control.

I read something the other day which struck me as pertinent. As adults we may not be responsible for the traumas we suffer as children but we are responsible for fixing them. So as much as anybody (my SS included) may believe that someone else is responsible for how they feel, only he is responsible for fixing it. I’m not sure what more I can do? Apologise for trying to give him boundaries and direction as a child? I’m sorry you didn’t like it kid? Fck.

“whilst I am happy to distance myself from my SS I just cannot do that to my husband, that doesn’t seem very much like a marriage to me. He is not a bad person and is battling with the fact that apparently his son is not a bad person but is ‘disabled’ by a MH condition which SS says is my fault. What a terrible place to be.”

To be fair op I haven’t seen anyone suggest you distance yourself from your husband, just the situation with your step son and his therapy. There’s a difference between stepping back and being supportive of your husband but having boundaries in being involved in your step sons care/therapy/what was in the therapy report.

Your step son clearly has a very different perspective to you and what has been suggested has, understandably, upset you. It must feel really frustrating to feel you have done lots for someone and then they have blamed you for their mental health issues. With that all in mind I can’t see how it would be useful for either of you for you to be involved in his therapy or discussion about his therapeutic support. That doesn’t mean don’t support your husband or don’t be involved in your step sons life. It means not getting involved in discussion about what he has said In therapy about you or about the history of your involvement with him etc.

Has your step son spoken to you or OH about his own feeling or about the therapy report. Seems odd to have all the parents talking about his report if he’s not involved given his age. Does he want his therapy report being discussed?

Just a screwed up teen from a broken home. Some get through family breakups ok, a lot don’t. It’s difficult I guess for step parents to form a boundary which sits okay with everyone, and teens will always look for someone to blame for their emotional turmoil, which can sometimes be pretty valid.

@AIMD no he hasn’t spoken to anybody except his mother I presume!
This report and the visits to a psychologist I think have come on the back on another failed year at college/school.
We (my DH and I) have spent a large amount of money putting him through a course at an expensive university on the back of claims from his mom that it’s what he wants to do and it was pretty much his only hope at any sort of tertiary education given his poor performance at school. I expressed my reservations given his school results and that I though he needed to take a step back and some time out but I was overridden. I guess everyone wanted everything to just be ok while little old me who doesn’t have parent tainted love vision could see that something wasn’t right. We have not seen college results but his mom tells us he has failed and they are pushing for a rewrite (psychologist says he is in no position to be doing that?). Smacks to me of a kid who is too afraid to tell his dad that he fucked up by spending too much time gaming and not enough time studying and now is seeking a medical term for his condition but it’s that sort of opinion that has put me in the responsible box. His dad, my husband, is prepared to explore that there is a genuine problem here because we have been saying there is something not quite normal with his behavior for a while.

Certain things have stuck out over the years:

1. Lack of caring for how people feel. He could ignore us for weeks. And in fact hasn’t really spoken to his dad much in the 3 years since he moved back to his mothers. My DH tried but really gave up. He said it’s like getting blood from a stone or constantly being rejected.
2. Complete apathy to everything. He sees no consequence to doing nothing. Tomorrow doesn’t even feature on his radar of worries.
3. He is paralyzed by fear. Doesn’t want to learn to drive for example.
4. My DH will send him a message and he will read it but reply days later... it’s one of the arguments I had with him when he lived with us. He had school tutors who would be trying to arrange sessions and he would just point blank ignore them until they contacted me to express frustration at not being able to pin him down for a meet up.

I’m clueless. I’m a straight down the line girl who put herself through university and has held down a steady job and relationship most of my adult life. I come from a stable family with a mom and a dad who loved and still love each other. MH problems are foreign to me.

OP,

You tried, you were ignored.
He is not your responsibility.

It reads as hugely convenient to his parents to blame you.

By all means take it personally but it really isn't your circus.

His parents have failed him with their lack of boundaries and are so happy that all of his issues are now hinged on his being given a bollixing by you.

Off with them.
They sound extremely self serving.

SS know his parents well, has the measure of them and knows they will be only too happy to dump on you.

It sounds as if this boy has had issues for a while and his lack of parenting and firm boundaries have brought him to a place where he isn't able for his course.

If he hasn't had structure for years it will hugely impact his ability to manage course work and study.

Again, this is not down to you.

He needs a scapegoat for his failure to thrive at his course.

You are it.
Good luck.