Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To dislike the casual use of ‘I have anxiety’

501 replies

Sallytheseal · 14/01/2021 22:36

I’ve name changed for this as I’m sure I’ll get a pasting but I’ve noticed SO many threads where the OP will not do something / expect special treatment because ‘I have anxiety’ and that’s the end of the sentence.

Anxiety is a medical condition and it should be treated. It isn’t a reason to just avoid things that make you anxious. For context, I had a traumatic delivery with DC2 and developed debilitating panic attacks. I saw a therapist, had counselling for over 2 years, forced myself to build tolerance (my fear was any separation from DC and I had to build myself up to longer times). It was awful but necessary. DH also suffers from diagnosed anxiety. He has regular therapy and is medicated. He still gets anxious but isn’t part of being a responsible adult getting treatment? I fully understand that doesn’t happen straight away, I didn’t seek help till DC was 6 months and I’m all too familiar with the state of mental health provision but if you already have the awareness that you have anxiety, and that it’s affecting your behaviour, then at some point you need to seek help or at least acknowledge that you need to seek help.

I hate when posters write things like, ‘I can’t confront x, I have anxiety’. I think it belittles people with diagnosed anxiety, as if they are helpless/ unable to change. Also, if you don’t have diagnosed anxiety, it’s weird to use the name of a recognised mental health disorder to self diagnose. You can say ‘I feel anxious’ which doesn’t co-opt someone else’s genuine illness?

I’m honestly not trying to minimise anyone’s suffering but I also don’t think it’s right to misrepresent a mental health disorder.

OP posts:
jacqroberts68 · 15/01/2021 07:58

I have Parkinson's but I don't get annoyed at someone who says they are shaking right now. I'm sure they must be suffering some sort of anxiety or panic attack whether officially diagnosed or not. Perhaps offer some advice about what is available to them if it's becoming a problem?

Parkperson · 15/01/2021 07:59

I completely agree, OP. The word has taken the place of stress. Twenty years ago people would be off work with stress and then there was a move away from the term stress because it put blame on the employer. The term Anxiety has taken it's place which suggests that any fault lies with an individual's mental health. Anxiety as a term has become so common it is meaningless.

ittakes2 · 15/01/2021 07:59

Myself and others in my family have diagnosed anxiety and I strongly disagree with you. Fab you felt able to get treatment and were able to access it - but others have their own journey and I don’t think it’s fair to judge them. I think more people now feel comfortable mentioning they are anxious which is great and a first step. Society needs to do more to help people process feelings. Your anxiety was triggered by an clear incident - maybe other people it’s how their brain is wired.

MaryBoBary · 15/01/2021 08:00

I completly agree. I've always been a bit of an anxious person but after having my son developed post natal anxiety and depression. It was horrendous and I too almost take offence to someone saying they have anxiety when they are nervous about something. Being anxious is normal. Medical anxiety is not.

dontdisturbmenow · 15/01/2021 08:04

Ironically people who really have anxiety cope relatively well with things like job interviews, because they are used to that mindset
You said it perfect, 'uded' to that mindset, ie. Practiced because that's the oy way to grow that mindset and for that, you have to confront what triggers anxiety.

When my eldest turned 16, I told him he had to get a pt job. He hated the idea of any job that involved dealing with the public because he is on the high side of introverted so he applied for a supermarket job he thought was stacking. To his horror, it wasn't and by day 2, he had to go in the till. He couldn't sleep, insisted he was going to quit, but he did go and came back saying it wasn't as bad as he thought but still felt anxious about it. He stuck to it though, even when inevitably, he faced rude and difficult customers and that set him back.

He worked there for 18 months, through his A levels and was made supervisor when he turned 18. He left for Uni but there was always a job for him when back. He is still introverted, still feel more comfortable on his own, but the prospect of meeting someone new doesn't trigger the level of anxiety it used to.

That's what people are missing, that anxiety gets better by doing exactly the opposite than what your mind tells you to do, go through the situations rather than run away from it.

gannett · 15/01/2021 08:04

On the one hand I do think we have a very long way to go as a society to fully understand and look after people's mental health.

On the other hand YANBU OP - anxiety, depression and stress are debilitating medical conditions not synonyms for "I'm a bit sad and/or bored".

rossclare · 15/01/2021 08:06

I so agree with you and i was literally just saying that to my mum.

Anxiety IS a mental condition......but it's also a feeling/emotion and an entirely normal one. I feel anxious at many times during the day about different things (daughter going on own to shop and having to cross road, my mum going shopping and catching CV19 etc etc).

So as you say, fine to say 'i feel anxious about XXXXX', but by saying 'my anxity XXXX' is totally different.

I also can't stand 'my anxiety is going through the roof'!!!

dontdisturbmenow · 15/01/2021 08:07

Perhaps offer some advice about what is available to them if it's becoming a problem?
That's the other issue. People want 'help' but it a miracle cure so are disappointed when 'help' is not a handhold.

It still comes to the same that the only way to relieve anxiety is to face it. Help comes in teaching methods to make it less distressing but you are unlikely to relieve anxiety without facing the triggers.

This is why people go year after year never getting better and frustrated that noone is helping them.

newyearnewme21 · 15/01/2021 08:07

YABU- a person with undiagnosed anxiety still has anxiety. There is also a scale of it- I have diagnosed anxiety but I’m able to leave the house, which others aren’t. Everyone is different.

Also it’s not as easy as just getting diagnosed- waiting lists for NHS mental health services are ridiculous, it took me many many years. I still had anxiety throughout!

micc · 15/01/2021 08:10

I agree, from one anxious person to another! I was diagnosed too after having my first daughter, it took me a while before I was ready to address my feelings and thoughts as it was all very overwhelming. My anxiety literally stopped me from going outside from my fear of cars and it drove me mad. I finally was put on beta blockers and then had CBT. It was great and I'm able to look at my anxiety from the outside looking in and I understand my feelings more, which is why I find it easier to stay calm when I start to feel a panic attack. Anxiety can be crippling. And I feel a lot of people use the term loosely for nerves.
But people cant let it control their lives and dictate what they can and cant do. I did and it was horrible. If someone reading this needs a kick to get help here it is!! It took me too long to get help and I was there but not present for so many parts of my daughter being a baby as I was so worried about everything for no reason. Please help yourself.

EdwardBear1920 · 15/01/2021 08:11

Anxiety is just a state of feeling anxious.

I was coming here to comment the same. Is it OK to say, 'I really feel I can't talk to them because when I approach them my mouth goes dry, my heart races, and I feel like I can't breathe.' When it's easier to say, 'I feel anxious/have anxiety.'

Also, to wonder whether people with anxiety are really people with anxiety before they walk through their doctor's door, or whether it's only anxiety after they've had that appointment.

A lot of people with anxiety won't engage with medical professionals because of fear. They can barely function because of it, but can't/won't go to the doctor because they fear the label, the medication, admitting it vocally, or even being reported to Social Services. The very idea of getting a diagnosis sends their feelings of anxiety (or hard to breathe, racing heart, dry mouth, nausea, faint-feeling) to increase.

You are right, absolutely, that it is a medical term and that you shouldn't diagnose yourself with a medical condition. But mental health diagnoses are always based on symptoms and very, very rarely on physical things.

I've had various mental health diagnoses for the last 23 years (with a couple of years off where I was fine). I was briefly under emergency care for a while, and I'm still under psychiatric care. Currently, my actual diagnosis is a full sentence including words such as 'psychotic episodes' and 'bipolar tendencies.'

I totally, totally agree that people suffering mental health problems, diagnosed or otherwise, should try to make themselves 'better', by which I mean more able to cope with the world in general. I don't think there's a single, proven way of doing this. CBT works for some people, other people need medication to help quell the anxiety before they're able to discuss it properly with people. I've heard people say antidepressants don't work for them when they've tried one specific medication from one particular group. I can't have SSRIs, for example. They make me manic. I took Venlofaxine for a couple of weeks until we noticed, well, other people noticed, that this flung me into a psychotic state. That doesn't mean that it doesn't work for a lot of people. For depression, I take either a tri-cyclic or a tetra-cyclic. I also take an anti-psychotic, but I was briefly put on a different one that robbed me of my memory, which was pretty scary. Even while knowing the medication that works for me, it sometimes gets thrown out because I have an illness or the dose just fails and needs adjusting.

So, what I'm trying to get across is that all mental illnesses affect people differently, with different symptoms, some of which make it very hard to go to the doctor in the first place. Then, when you get there, it's pretty much trial and error until you hit upon the medication that's actually therapeutic. It's difficult to get people to see that 'antidepressants don't work for me,' should be considered, 'I've tried this antidepressant and this one doesn't work for me.'

It doesn't annoy me when people people say they have anxiety, but it irks me when people want that to be the end, or want to just naturally feel better in a few months without doing anything. But that's my own hang up, and based on the fact that I've worked so hard for the past 7 years and I feel envious that I don't have the option of just hoping it will go away.

Sorry. So ends my essay. I get why it annoys, totally, and I think it's probably overused by people who don't have anxiety. I just also think that it's underused by people who do have anxiety but who haven't managed to get to the doctor for whatever reason. There's a grey area that needs to be carefully observed.

Note: my heart is racing just with the idea of posting, and I probably won't come back because I can feel my throat constricting about it already. It's no offense to those who disagree - it's just I'm protecting my own mental health.

LooksLikeImStuckHere · 15/01/2021 08:17

Comments like the ones on this thread are the reason I don’t bother to tell anyone when I’m struggling.

I don’t like to share my diagnosis as people tend to ask what happened and I’m not always able to manage that. So I will sometimes say that I have anxiety about certain things or that situations can make me feel anxious. I often do that to prepare people for if I have a panic attack. I probably won’t but I can’t explain once I’m having one so I need to mention the basics beforehand. It doesn’t mean that I always refuse the situation but it does depend on how I feel that particular day. Sometimes I can manage, sometimes I can’t. I may have to prepare myself mentally for it and engage grounding techniques that make me look a bit weird.

If people who have a diagnosed condition are the only ones who are ‘allowed’ to say they have anxiety, how do you want us to prove that?

The lack of empathy on this thread is depressing.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 15/01/2021 08:18

Anxiety is not in fact a diagnosis
You won't find it in ICD 10 or DSM 4

Anxiety is a symptom and can be a symptom of a number of different diagnoses

Panic disorder
Specific phobias
Depression
OCD
Generalised anxiety disorder
Agoraphobia

It can also be just a normal sensation. At its essence the feeling of anxiety is due to adrenaline release which is an adaptive physiological response and in many situations a good thing. If you are about to compete in a sporting event that anxiety will be good and normal.

Avoidance is the very worst strategy for dealing with phobic anxiety. It maintains it and makes it worse.

jammyredroo · 15/01/2021 08:21

I'm diagnosed with anxiety so any posts I've made saying I'm anxious I actually am anxious

jb7445 · 15/01/2021 08:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CeibaTree · 15/01/2021 08:27

I agree with you OP that it is really over used by people on MN. I have wondered why so many people suddenly claim they have anxiety to try and explain why they don't want to follow the advice (usually sensible) that's given to them about a situation. Some people seem to confuse feeling anxious with having anxiety as a condition. It's normal to feel anxious is certain situations, but some people seem to find it so uncomfortable that they think they have a condition 🤷🏻‍♀️

covidaintacrime · 15/01/2021 08:28

It's normal to feel anxious is certain situations, but some people seem to find it so uncomfortable that they think they have a condition 🤷🏻‍♀️

If they find it that level of uncomfortable, they probably do have a condition?

butterpuffed · 15/01/2021 08:29

Saying 'I feel anxious about xxx' is very different to saying 'I have anxiety' as the latter implies it's a permanent condition which affects all areas of your life.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 15/01/2021 08:33

A Dr, or at least a psychiatrist, would not diagnose someone with 'clinical anxiety' because it just isn't a thing

A lot of anxiety is part of depression
A lot of it is phobic with certain triggers
GAD is actually quite rare and fairly intractable
Most people know what OCD and PTSD are and that they require additional criteria

It matters what the diagnosis is as it will determine appropriate treatment.

I mean it's fine to say that you feel anxious or indeed that you are an anxious person (some people experience it more than others) but if you want allowances made then it is affecting your life significantly and the diagnosis should be made by a Dr or a psychologist so that appropriate treatment can be accessed.

Mammyofasuperbaby · 15/01/2021 08:33

Exactly op
I have diagnosed anxiety and ptsd. Im generally ok as in I can function but I have many days where
everything feels dull ect and I cant stay in hospital as it triggers my ptsd in such a way that it can lead to a mental crisis.
Because many people overuse these terms, no one listens ot me when I'm in need of help e.g. stuck in hospital for a month after my son was born in lockdown and separated from my husband and other child. I was having massive panic attacks, crying all the time, very dark thoughts but was told that im fine and I'll get over it. It only improved when I came home.
Also my drs only offer medication which makes me feel drugged out and 6 x 45 mins therapy sessions so its not exactly like help is available

xHeartinacagex · 15/01/2021 08:34

I agree with this. I have GAD and panic attacks, and I have been on medication for it my whole adult life. I have always pushed for support and worked as hard as I can to stay on top of it. I've had many rounds of CBT, appointments with psychiatric doctors, CPNs and a couple of trips to OOH GP to be given diazepam. People never seem to actually realise this until I tell them. I have my meltdowns at home.

I'm not using it as an excuse to opt out of things I find hard. I do them anyway and I am constantly fucking exhausted from it.

LovelyLips · 15/01/2021 08:37

I agree too.

I get anxious about almost anything that involves meeting new people or sometimes being in new situations but I'd never label myself as suffering from anxiety.

I see myself as a natural introvert, who is most comfortable with people I know, and am just a bit 'reserved' until I know people better.

I know I'm anxious because my bowels work overtime before certain events, even silly day to day stuff.

But I've been like this all my life and just push through it.

I had a career where I had to 'perform' in front of people (presenting) and that was fine as it was my professional hat.

I think it might do a lot of good for people to be open about how they feel so other people see their anxious feelings as normal and on a sliding scale.

Pebbledashery · 15/01/2021 08:41

Completely agree with you OP. It's almost fashionable in the Z list celebrity world. You go on Instagram and almost every Z list claims to have anxiety or mental health concerns. It's misused I believe. Anxiety is almost always diagnosed and properly treated or medicated.

LovelyLips · 15/01/2021 08:41

Because many people overuse these terms, no one listens ot me when I'm in need of help e.g. stuck in hospital for a month after my son was born in lockdown and separated from my husband and other child. I was having massive panic attacks, crying all the time, very dark thoughts but was told that im fine and I'll get over it.

I'd not label your description as anxiety but as a heightened emotional reaction to events which cause you stress and you've been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. I hope you feel better soon.

Livpool · 15/01/2021 08:42

Agree and I have medically diagnosed anxiety for which I take medication. I also don't use my anxiety to get out of doing things - which some people seem to do too. That annoys me as it makes people suspicious of anxiety so it is taken less seriously.

Apart from DH, and my DPs and MIL
No one knows I have it