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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grief and a friend

88 replies

germinal · 14/01/2021 10:15

I will try and keep this short.

In October 2018 my beloved sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was 40 years old and had four small children. In December 2018 my beloved mother was also diagnosed with cancer.

Throughout 2019 they both received aggressive treatment. Anyone with experience of cancer treatment may know what that rollercoaster is like.

My mother died in September 2019 and my sister in May 2020.

I have been supported by my DH, my DC and my other family. Because of COVID I have been unable to see many close friends.

I have one close friend in the town I live in, who I know through work. She has been sweet and supportive via text but I have not seen her since my sister died. Each time we have arranged to meet she has rearranged it someway or another. For example “can you come to my house so my baby can have a nap?” Or “I can’t catch up long as my husband has a board meeting” or “Can we meet another day I have a dermatologist appointment”.

I was so fragile that I became very upset. I texted her upset and said, basically, if her sister had died I would reschedule everything around her.

At the time I was so fragile. I guess I was fairly irrational. I was so lonely and frightened and sad. She really hasn’t talked to me since.

I guess I just want anyone’s views in the above. I don’t think the friendship can ever return to what it was. But I just wonder now, as I am due to return to work after a long break, whether I was behaving very unreasonably....?

Thanks for reading this far xxx

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 14/01/2021 10:20

Neither of you are unreasonable Thanks

Your sister died 3 months into the pandemic, there is so much delayed grief and trauma - so many people who haven't been able to or haven't supported others because of their own 'stuff'.

Hopefully both of you can talk about this - since we're now in an even worse lockdown with even greater death around it may be delayed even longer Thanks

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2021 10:20

You were probably being a little unfair to your friend but that’s totally understandable in the midst of your grieving. Saying that, if I were her I wouldn’t have stopped talking to you, I’d have cut you some slack and tried to be more understanding.

Do you want to try and rekindle the friendship or do you think it might be over now?

Sorry for your loss and all that you’ve been through.Flowers

2me2u2u2me · 14/01/2021 10:26

hi OP, I'm so sorry for your losses.

Earlier this year, during the pandemic, I was going through a traumatic time, my best friends dropped everything regularly for me, I could phone them when I wanted and also see them, ok, it was really allowed but I think in special circumstances, then they thought sod it, my friend needs me. So, my answer to this is you are definitely not being unreasonable, your "friend" is, I agree that you should have called her out on it and if she was a decent friend she would feel awful, apologise and pull it round, she's shown her true colours that your friendship's not that important to her and her life's more important than taking time out to support you.

I'd not be thinking can you turn this friendship around to what it was, I'd be losing her as a "friend".

I hope you have others in RL that can support you Flowers

Original poster
germinal · 14/01/2021 10:28

Thanks for your messages.

I really miss her friendship but I can’t imagine rekindling it. I feel like I might be too fragile for the friendship. But I would like not to be angry and hurt forever about it

OP posts:
CoolCovidCat · 14/01/2021 10:30

I don't think either of you are BU. Thanks

pilates · 14/01/2021 10:32

I think your friend needs to cut you some slack, you have had an awful couple of years and she should realise that. If she doesn’t contact you, I would let her go as a decent friend would be more understanding.

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2021 10:33

@germinal

Thanks for your messages.

I really miss her friendship but I can’t imagine rekindling it. I feel like I might be too fragile for the friendship. But I would like not to be angry and hurt forever about it

Maybe it’s worth sending her a letter or email recognising that you were in a really bad place when you sent that text and you miss her friendship. I can understand you’d be hesitate to put yourself in a position of potentially being rejected but you’re feeling sad now because you’re missing her. If she was a good friend before, there’s every chance she’s missing you too.
Original poster
germinal · 14/01/2021 10:33

2me2u2u2me
Flowers I hope you got through that difficult time. I wish I had friends like yours ❤️

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/01/2021 10:36

I am sorry for your losses, but I think you are bit unreasonable.
You say you would rearrange everything, but you can't know if you could. In the examples you have given, she was not unreasonable. She can't change his meeting, babies nap and it's hard to get appointments so you don't mess with it.

It's totally understandable though why you were unreasonable, but it's also understandable why she didn't meet up with you considering the situation. She tried at least over the texts.

Original poster
germinal · 14/01/2021 10:42

Thanks SchrodingersImmigrant

I feel sad I ruined the friendship in that case.
It’s very hard to express how difficult a time it was for me. Is for me. But I’m very grateful for your opinion x

OP posts:
dirtydogtowelsaremycarpet · 14/01/2021 10:43

I think she will probably understand if you get in touch now and try to pick up again. Returning to work now is a good reason to send her a text to let her know that and some general news. It's really difficult/impossible to meet up with anyone at the moment, so it's not a bad time to just see how it goes over texts. In my experience if someone is a good friend once, they will cut you some slack and want to be in touch again.

fabulousathome · 14/01/2021 10:43

I think texts can come over as harsh without meaning to and of course the texter or textee has it to refer to and reread when if it had been said one would be unlikely to remember the exact words.

If you would like to get back her friendship then why not try to give her a call and see how it goes? When you call ask if it's a good time for a quick chat first.

LakieLady · 14/01/2021 10:44

Sorry for your loss, OP.

As someone who is recently bereaved, I find I feel hurt very easily. I start to feel that friends don't care if they haven't rung me in a week or two, never mind cancelling arrangements to meet (not that there have been many of those, DP died 2 days before the "circuit breaker" lockdown started in November). Grief makes us hyper-sensitive, I think.

I don't think you were being unreasonable to be upset, but I also think it's worth bearing in mind that for other people, they still have all the normal pressures on their time, like childcare and medical appointments. And she may not have appreciated how much you needed her support, as you had your DH and other family (neither of which I have). I certainly wouldn't cancel an appointment with a specialist to meet with a friend (you never know when you'll get another appointment), but I would make sure that I rescheduled and would make every effort to keep that second appointment.

I also think that some people really struggle to deal with other people's grief, and that they find it upsetting themselves or simply don't get it. The friend that has been most supportive to me is someone who wasn't a particularly close before, but is also single and child-free and went through an awful loss a few years ago. She really understands.

If this friend is important to you, it might be worth explaining that you were in a bad place, felt hurt, and apologise if you came across as demanding. If not, draw a line under it and move on.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 14/01/2021 10:45

@germinal

Thanks SchrodingersImmigrant

I feel sad I ruined the friendship in that case.
It’s very hard to express how difficult a time it was for me. Is for me. But I’m very grateful for your opinion x

I don't think you ruined it. I think you should have an open talk and see. Grief is very hard emotion to deal with for everyone involved. Hope you feel better soon
Original poster
germinal · 14/01/2021 10:48

Ah LakieLady I am very sorry to hear about your DP. So much love to you.

Yes I think that is true that the most empathic and generous people during this time have some experience of loss or trauma.

OP posts:
2me2u2u2me · 14/01/2021 10:49

@germinal

2me2u2u2me Flowers I hope you got through that difficult time. I wish I had friends like yours ❤️
Thank you

It takes time to get through something like this, I know only too well. I get where Schrod is coming from, but some of the issues your friend had were not more important than being there for a friend, imo, she could have worked around 2 out of the 3, and the fact that you have the attitude that you would drop everything for her, whether you could or not, is enough to know you'd act differently and she was BU.

PrankedByLife · 14/01/2021 10:53

Her child and her family are more important
She doesn't want to or have to disrupt her routine
You both have different expectations of the friendship
Has your husband been there for you?

DaphneBridgerton · 14/01/2021 10:59

Whether you are being unreasonable or not, a strong friendship should be able to endure that. My friend said something similar to me while she was pregnant... along the lines of needing more support from me. I had never been pregnant and to be honest didn't understand what an emotionally and physically challenging time it could be. And I had a lot of other stuff going on personally. But I could see she was struggling and feeling emotional so I immediately apologised, started to make more effort and we moved on. I think it's a shame that your friend has backed away from you, we should be more forgiving of our friends I think.

Original poster
germinal · 14/01/2021 11:00

PrankedByLife yes I guess we do/did have different expectations of friendship. It wouldn’t occur to me to prioritise my routine, if a friend was suffering in such a way. I don’t know. It’s very confusing and sad for me

OP posts:
Original poster
germinal · 14/01/2021 11:01

DaphneBridgerton
You sound like a beautiful friend.

OP posts:
SlippersForFlippers · 14/01/2021 11:02

I don't thinking either are being unreasonable, you've had a major life change with illnesses and death and she's had a major life change with birth.

She offered for you to go to hers but you didn't feel up to it, understandably. She may have found having baby hard so also didn't feel like going out/very far. Also understandable.

The dermatology appointment I wouldn't have cancelled either, round here you are waiting months to see a dermatologist on the NHS. If you cancel then you're at the back of the queue again or in worst case have to go through the whole referral process again.

BornIn78 · 14/01/2021 11:04

I actually don’t think you were unreasonable, but I don’t think she sees the friendship in the same way as you.

Under the circumstances you described, if I had to rearrange or cancel on a “close friend” once I’d be apologetic, twice I’d be cringing inside and extremely apologetic, a third time I’d be doing whatever it took to get to our arranged meeting.

RedHelenB · 14/01/2021 11:05

She was prepared to meet you, just not in the way you wanted so I think you were a little unreasonable but understandably so due to your grief.

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2021 11:07

It wouldn’t occur to me to prioritise my routine, if a friend was suffering in such a way. I don’t know. It’s very confusing and sad for me.

But the things you’re saying she cancelled for weren’t just her routine and someone with a baby could easily have been struggling during lockdown too.

There really are two sides to this which I’m not sure you’re seeing from how you’re responding.

Original poster
germinal · 14/01/2021 11:09

Yes. I was so raw at the time.
I shouldn’t have really reacted in such a hurt and angry way.
I definitely think I might have subconsciously put too much in this friend, and her ability to be there for me.

OP posts:
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