Grief and a friend

[germinal]

I will try and keep this short.

In October 2018 my beloved sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was 40 years old and had four small children. In December 2018 my beloved mother was also diagnosed with cancer.

Throughout 2019 they both received aggressive treatment. Anyone with experience of cancer treatment may know what that rollercoaster is like.

My mother died in September 2019 and my sister in May 2020.

I have been supported by my DH, my DC and my other family. Because of COVID I have been unable to see many close friends.

I have one close friend in the town I live in, who I know through work. She has been sweet and supportive via text but I have not seen her since my sister died. Each time we have arranged to meet she has rearranged it someway or another. For example “can you come to my house so my baby can have a nap?” Or “I can’t catch up long as my husband has a board meeting” or “Can we meet another day I have a dermatologist appointment”.

I was so fragile that I became very upset. I texted her upset and said, basically, if her sister had died I would reschedule everything around her.

At the time I was so fragile. I guess I was fairly irrational. I was so lonely and frightened and sad. She really hasn’t talked to me since.

I guess I just want anyone’s views in the above. I don’t think the friendship can ever return to what it was. But I just wonder now, as I am due to return to work after a long break, whether I was behaving very unreasonably....?

Thanks for reading this far xxx

You were being unreasonable - but I'm sure if you just dropped her a line and said sorry, you could pick up where you left off. Don't lose a friendship because she couldn't drop everything for you. You weren't alone, you had your husband and other family.

Did you get back to her when she said she was happy to talk in person? Could she perhaps have wanted to discuss sensitive issues in person and not over text as to why she wasn’t being so supportive? Eg struggling with a new baby or something else.

I think you are diverting some of the pain from your loss into this. She wasn't unreasonable to say "let's go for the walk, I will call you after baby wakes up".

I agree. I think it was unreasonable to expect her to wake her baby up and immediately drive 30mins into the city to comfort you.
Especially when you had ‘7 grieving children’ with you (appreciate you were minding 3 for your sister) but how would you have been able to talk with so many kids around? (and friend’s baby who would presumably have been grumpy and crying if she’d been woken early from a nap?)

I think your reply was probably a slap in the face to your friend, when she’d been so supportive after your first bereavement. I know raw grief makes us unreasonable, but expecting a friend to drop everything to immediately visit you, especially when her baby was asleep, is demanding too much and your harsh reply to her text probably made her feel very unappreciated and hurt.

The context of the last text was that she said we should meet for a walk. I had, on that day, my children (x4) and three of my sisters children (I help care for them sometimes as my bil is working and grieving). I said that I was neck deep in kids but was desperate to see her and have some company. And she replied “great. Stay by the phone and I’ll text you when baby wakes from afternoon nap”.

I'm a bit confused here...

1. What was the original plan for meeting up? Was there a specific time and place that had already been decided? Or was she initiating a meet up by saying let's go for a walk?
2. Did you expect her to wake the baby up and drive straight over?

She wasn't at all unreasonable. You were - but of course your head was in a mess so you weren't thinking rationally.

I think I'd send her a card or a message saying that you're looking back and feeling bad that you spoke to her as you did, and you recognise that grief had made you irrational and unreasonably snappy. Tell her you regret it, and quite understand if she wants to continue distancing herself, but that you don't want her to carry on feeling that you think she's a poor friend, because that's not true.

I’m sorry for your losses.

Why would you want things to return to how they were? She really doesn’t sound like a good friend and I’m surprised how many people seem to think her approach was reasonable.

You’re honestly better off without her.

It's amazing how quickly people can move on from others grief and just not really want to be around it

I think sometimes it may seem that that's what's going on, when the reality is that they simply don't know what to say, are scared of saying the wrong thing and/or are frightened that the bereaved person will break down and they can't handle people who are distraught.

Many years ago, my then NDNs lost their teenage son in an accident. When I saw the dad in the street, I told him how sorry I was, that his son had been a lovely young man and to let me know if there was anything I could do.

NDN thanked me and went on to say "Do you know, there are people in this street who've known me all my life and now they'll cross the street to avoid having to talk to me?".

I vowed that day that I would never "say nothing" to someone who's bereaved, and that conversation has stuck in my mind for nearly 40 years.

She really doesn’t sound like a good friend and I’m surprised how many people seem to think her approach was reasonable.

You think it’s unreasonable not to cancel a medical appointment, or not to wake your baby up to immediately leave the house?

There really needs to be consideration of the pressures and needs of both friends here.

It’s a shame that people can’t discuss death and illness. It seems to me a terrible burden to place in bereaved people. They must suffer through grief in silence so as not to make other people uncomfortable? I don’t agree with that, and I didn’t before my own loss. It’s important for society and community to allow space for talk about death and illness.

Yes it’s a shame it’s so taboo. But this is why society has bereavement counsellors, free helplines, therapists, chaplains, who are trained to listen and know what to say. Nobody expects you to suffer in silence. But expecting a friend to be your main source of comfort is unfair, she has her own life and family. She may not know what to say to you. Especially when it gets to the point of you expecting her to sacrifice her baby’s nap and rush to your side immediately so you can talk, and she likely doesn’t want to drive 30mins to a city park but agrees to come when baby wakes, and you send an angry text saying that’s not good enough.

You can’t force friends to listen to your grief, or talk about death and illness. Some people are too squeamish, or it drains them emotionally to discuss these topics, or puts them in a dark place of their own. It creates awkwardness amongst some.

People who’ve never experienced bereavement may underestimate how painful it is or get bored of hearing about your sadness. It may hit a raw nerve in others, or remind them of times when they were grieving for a loved one or in fear of losing somebody.

It sounds like your friend did the best she could. Maybe she had her own issues at the time too. A different friend in a different place in her life may have been able to support and comfort you more. I hope you find a suitable counsellor or therapist to work through your emotions with.

It's hard to understand the whole timeline from your post, but she doesn't seem unreasonable from the examples you gave. With a pandemic and a new baby, many many things get rearranged.

"Stay by the phone" is hardly difficult in an age of mobiles is it, she was just saying she's be in touch in a little bit. Then she was probably shocked and upset by your furious, out-of-the-blue, response, so tried to stay calm and suggest discussing in person - which is really sensible rather than having an argument over text message. But then you just dropped the friendship.

I'd be pretty hurt in her shoes.

Have you contacted her since her last text, when she suggested discussing it in person?

I think your friend was being a bit shit and unreliable. Even if you weren't going through such a hard time, rescheduling so many times just says "I don't give a shit about you and your time, I'm just gonna do what I want". Her excuses are shit. But I found most people are shit and unreliable when going through something difficult and your expectations were a bit high. Most of us learn this the hard way. I lost most of my friends during a similar time and tbh I have no desire to rekindle those friendships. I have no respect for them anymore. If anything, seeing them is too hurtful and I'd rather not be reminded what shit friends I had.

For example “can you come to my house so my baby can have a nap?” Or “I can’t catch up long as my husband has a board meeting” or “Can we meet another day I have a dermatologist appointment”.

The first two examples sound to me as if she was trying to give you her full attention, one-to-one. Asking you to come to her while the baby naps - she would have been able to talk properly, not in that disjointed way you feel like you do when your attention is diverted by babies. Her husband having a board meeting sounds similar - presumably the context there was that he was going to watch the baby.

The dermatologist appointment - you don't really think she should have rescheduled that? But you do think she could have met you as well as that?

The incident leading to the text you sent really does sound a bit like her unusual phrasing tipped you over the edge - she didn't want you to wait by the phone, she was just saying "I will text you when the baby wakes up". But on top of feeling already neglected and raw and everything you snapped. It is understandable. Perhaps if she'd called you then instead of texting you back you could have sorted it out, but you said you were surrounded by kids - 7 of them! you are a wonderwoman - and were upset and I'm sure she was a bit blindsided.

I don't think you are unreasonable that you were upset.
I don't think she was unreasonable either.
It's just more nuanced than that, isn't it?

But your friendship could be rekindled if you wanted it to. But you would have to forgive her and forgive yourself. And it's OK if you can't do that right now.