Grief and a friend

[germinal]

I will try and keep this short.

In October 2018 my beloved sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was 40 years old and had four small children. In December 2018 my beloved mother was also diagnosed with cancer.

Throughout 2019 they both received aggressive treatment. Anyone with experience of cancer treatment may know what that rollercoaster is like.

My mother died in September 2019 and my sister in May 2020.

I have been supported by my DH, my DC and my other family. Because of COVID I have been unable to see many close friends.

I have one close friend in the town I live in, who I know through work. She has been sweet and supportive via text but I have not seen her since my sister died. Each time we have arranged to meet she has rearranged it someway or another. For example “can you come to my house so my baby can have a nap?” Or “I can’t catch up long as my husband has a board meeting” or “Can we meet another day I have a dermatologist appointment”.

I was so fragile that I became very upset. I texted her upset and said, basically, if her sister had died I would reschedule everything around her.

At the time I was so fragile. I guess I was fairly irrational. I was so lonely and frightened and sad. She really hasn’t talked to me since.

I guess I just want anyone’s views in the above. I don’t think the friendship can ever return to what it was. But I just wonder now, as I am due to return to work after a long break, whether I was behaving very unreasonably....?

Thanks for reading this far xxx

You say she was a work friend, were you very close friends out of work?

I had a bereavement during lockdown 1. Some friends were much more able to support me that others. After a few weeks/ months most had pretty much forgotten tbh. I began to feel a bit embarrassed to mention it any more with all but a couple of extremely close friends, one of whom has had multiple bereavements.

If you miss your friend and want to make things right there’s no harm in trying. How about texting her?

Dear friend, how are yo parents and all the family. I’m afraid I was pretty rude to you last time we were in touch and I want to say how sorry I am. You were a great support when things were so difficult for me. It’s hard to meet at the moment but if you would like to, I’d love to hear from you and hear your news.

Something along those lines. She might be feeling bad about the way things ended up and welcome your olive branch.

So sorry for your losses. I do think that you were being a little but unreasonable towards your friend. It is understandable that you reacted like this though because you are grieving.

Your friend can't rearrange her whole life to suit you. She has a baby, a husband who from the sounds of it is working from home and medical appointments. These are three things that are very hard to rearrange. She did seem to have been trying to be there for you though by texting etc etc. Maybe lockdown has been making her anxious as well?

As for not contacting you recently, maybe she doesn't know what to say? Maybe she doesn't know if you want her to contact you anymore?

If I were you, I'd make the first move, reach out to her, explain that you were grieving and what you said was a bit unreasonable, that you still want to be friends etc. Maybe try phoning or skype, instead of meeting up in person, seeing as she was finding it hard to meet up.

Mmm
Did you go to her house when baby had a nap? It sounds like she could meet you at her house?
But I can understand why you're upset completely
I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel like you do
What did you text her exactly?

I’m sorry for losses. It sounds awful.

I actually do think your friend is unreasonable in not even attempting to see you in all that time.
I understand she has a baby, a condition she needs to see a dermatologist for and could be overwhelmed and needed to reschedule. Fine. But to not have made any time for you in all those months shows a lot.

CoolCovidCat yes I would say very close. I was the first non family member she told when her baby was born and her only visitor (other than her DH) at the hospital. I spoke at her wedding. We would speak most days. She was my confidant really and I think I was hers.

@Foghead

I’m sorry for losses. It sounds awful.

I actually do think your friend is unreasonable in not even attempting to see you in all that time.
I understand she has a baby, a condition she needs to see a dermatologist for and could be overwhelmed and needed to reschedule. Fine. But to not have made any time for you in all those months shows a lot.

Yes I agree Surely there could have been some time

purpleme12
The context of the last text was that she said we should meet for a walk. I had, on that day, my children (x4) and three of my sisters children (I help care for them sometimes as my bil is working and grieving). I said that I was neck deep in kids but was desperate to see her and have some company. And she replied “great. Stay by the phone and I’ll text you when baby wakes from afternoon nap”.

I don’t know why but I guess I just snapped. I had all these grieving babies with me, and I just wanted to throw my phone against the wall at the idea that I would wait by the phone for her to be available.

This was after the three previous rescheduling s.

And I texted “don’t bother”

I'm so sorry that you have to miss your mum and sister

Two of my children have died, and looking back on my behaviour at the time, I realise now that I was absolutely prioritising myself and my needs just to see me through such a rough time. If anyone didn't fit into my version of prioritising myself then I would drop them because I didn't have the emotional energy to start questioning friendships etc.

She wasn't being unreasonable, those were perfectly valid reasons, and it sounds like she wanted to rearrange rather then outright cancel. You aren't unreasonable either though, you need to surround yourself with people who won't make you question yourself or them.

Just do what you have to do to get by for now, everything else can wait.

And then I texted “If your sister died, I wouldn’t schedule you last around everything else in my life. Or, if I did, I wouldn’t be so blasé about it, and betray how little I cared about your pain”.

OP

What was she like when your mum died?

I think that's probably quite significant here.

I am so sorry for what you have been through.

@germinal

Thanks SchrodingersImmigrant

I feel sad I ruined the friendship in that case.
It’s very hard to express how difficult a time it was for me. Is for me. But I’m very grateful for your opinion x

You didn’t ruin it. She did. Both my parents died six months apart and it was illuminating as to who my friends really are. I lost my oldest friend of over 40 years as a result of her behaviour and lack of support when I needed it most.

Your friend has made a variety of excuses not to see you - baby’s nap, ffs. The only thing that might slightly mitigate her behaviour is if she’s never experienced bereavement and has no insight into how you’re feeling.

Sometimes friendships run their course and come to a natural end, this one appears to have reached that point. I focused on the friends who were there for me. I hope you can come to terms with it and move forward with the friends who support you. I can’t imagine what an awful time you’re having, you deserve better. 💐

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I am very very sorry to hear about the death of your two children. That seems an unthinkable loss. So much love to you.

Everything you wrote is, I think, correct. I can’t waste energy in this. And yet I feel so hurt. I hope you found a way to survive and find some happiness again? It’s a terrible journey. Xxxx.

@germinal

And then I texted “If your sister died, I wouldn’t schedule you last around everything else in my life. Or, if I did, I wouldn’t be so blasé about it, and betray how little I cared about your pain”.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through but it’s easy to say that when you’re not having to actually deal with that “everything else that’s going on in my life”. I really can see how she’d have been totally blindsided by your response to her saying to meet after the nap. You were (are) grieving but expecting people to be able to just drop everything and ignoring the fact they’ve also got things to deal with in their own life’s just isn’t fair. Maybe as well as her cutting you some slack, you should think about doing that as well?

I hope you found a way to survive and find some happiness again? It’s a terrible journey.

It has been 20 years and 13 years since they died, and, especially in the very early days, where you are, it is simply surviving. Getting up and putting one foot in front of the other is an achievement in itself.

You don't have to be superwoman and cope with everything and act 'as normal'. You have a new normal now and you need to learn what that means for you which can take some time.

In the beginning the bad days outweigh the good, but it does change, so slowly that you don't even know its happening, and the fog that surrounds you at the moment becomes a dark cloud in your sky, always there, but not so all consuming.

Meantime its OK to be selfish, or change the boundaries of what you think is acceptable. You've had two massive, life changing losses. That has changed you as a person, and that's OK.

And then I texted “If your sister died, I wouldn’t schedule you last around everything else in my life. Or, if I did, I wouldn’t be so blasé about it, and betray how little I cared about your pain”.

What did she reply to this?

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable, you have had a horrible time but she still has her own responsibilities. Also, asking you to come over so the baby can nap isn't rearranging, is it?

Sympathies. I dropped a previously very close friend after my Mother died.

My friend didn't really support me during the 6 months of dying and then made no effort at all to even contact me after I told her about the death. When we finally spoke about it (weeks later) she said she hadn't known what to say so didn't do anything and then immediately drivelled on for ages about some fairly minor domestic drama (the dog had knocked over a bookcase causing some damage in her living room).

Things limped on for a bit but weren't helped when I discovered she hadn't even told her parents about the death (we met at school so they knew my parents and if the boot was on the other foot my parents would have gone to the funeral) and various other things not related to my bereavement.

It still saddens me but 9 years later I still cannot comprehend her response. A few other people didn't offer support in the way I would have expected them to and it has impacted on our relationships. Most of them have never experienced a significant bereavement.

IDKNABYBIF22 she replied “I think I have been a good friend to you. Happy to discuss further in person”.

I thought that was so cold and clinical. But maybe it was my emotional state!

She lives a thirty minutes drive away (we work in a regional centre, she lives out of town in the country). So it was a reschedule but also makes me seem quite unreasonable to expect her to visit me when she had a baby. I dunno. It’s very confusing to me. I think I might need therapy 🤔

How old was her baby?

@germinal I am sorry for your loss and I understand. I lost a parent to covid in April. I had already lost the other parent and sibling to cancer so this tipped me over the edge. My ‘best friend’ was also lovely over text but didn’t come and see me until October when I basically had a meltdown and said the same as you!

Texting is no substitute for a face to face visit. Other close friends have been similar and when I spoke about feeling down to another in November they said ‘oh I wish I could come and see you’ (we were in lockdown) and I thought well you had all bloody summer to see me but you didn’t! It’s just really disappointing isn’t it

opinionatedfreak I definitely would have dumped that friend! She sounds awful!

I’m sorry about your mum ❤️

Just wanted to offer my sympathy. I had a similar loss some years ago - my dad and brother, both from cancer within two months of each other. Looking back the grief was debilitating although I managed to continue to function and continue with every day life I felt so sad and let down by life which had always been good to me me up until that point (if that makes any sense). It was 18 months before I felt like myself again. Now, years later, I still carry a wound but it's healed and I've accepted that it's the price I pay for the love my brother and dad brought into my life. I think it's difficult to understand grief unless you've experienced it yourself so I would cut your friend some slack and also be very gentle with yourself whilst you heal from a terrible hurt.

I thought that was so cold and clinical.

She was probably really upset at what she was being accused of.

CoolCovidCat her baby was about ten months during this time. I love her baby, she’s the sweetest.