Grief and a friend

[germinal]

I will try and keep this short.

In October 2018 my beloved sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was 40 years old and had four small children. In December 2018 my beloved mother was also diagnosed with cancer.

Throughout 2019 they both received aggressive treatment. Anyone with experience of cancer treatment may know what that rollercoaster is like.

My mother died in September 2019 and my sister in May 2020.

I have been supported by my DH, my DC and my other family. Because of COVID I have been unable to see many close friends.

I have one close friend in the town I live in, who I know through work. She has been sweet and supportive via text but I have not seen her since my sister died. Each time we have arranged to meet she has rearranged it someway or another. For example “can you come to my house so my baby can have a nap?” Or “I can’t catch up long as my husband has a board meeting” or “Can we meet another day I have a dermatologist appointment”.

I was so fragile that I became very upset. I texted her upset and said, basically, if her sister had died I would reschedule everything around her.

At the time I was so fragile. I guess I was fairly irrational. I was so lonely and frightened and sad. She really hasn’t talked to me since.

I guess I just want anyone’s views in the above. I don’t think the friendship can ever return to what it was. But I just wonder now, as I am due to return to work after a long break, whether I was behaving very unreasonably....?

Thanks for reading this far xxx

OP,

What a tsunami of grief.

I do think the rescheduling 3 times is very very poor.

She clearly doesn't get it, or isn't interested in doing so.

It's amazing how quickly people can move on from others grief and just not really want to be around it.

This possibly is a bit of a distraction for you too.

You must be so exhausted between the grief and child minding so many.
Hard to imagine.

Support is so important.

Years ago a friend of mine lost her brother in a matter of weeks.

I couldn't do anything to ease the shock so I would collect her younger two children on her day off at 9am and she would collect them at 3pm on her way back from pick up

She told me later all she did on those days was get under a duvet.
She looked forward to them all week as some alone time.

Can Home start support you in any way?

You really need some looking after.
You poor poor pet.

I think her response was more "I don't want to get into this over text, where things can be misconstrued and misunderstood, and would prefer to meet in person".

Oh OP, I’m so sorry. I think “different expectations of friendship” is a fair assessment here, though it makes the whole thing sound much less like the painful thing it is.

I had a very difficult time during lockdown one (nothing like yours though). I needed to lean on my friends a fair bit. One friendship got much stronger as a result, one broke imo irreparably. And it hurts. It means a reassessment of a friendship on top of the thousand other recalibrations that grief brings.

I’m not sure things are beyond repair for you and your friend but a bit of time to reflect might help.

billy1966 you sound like a beautiful friend and person ❤️❤️❤️

Retrievemysanity I am so sorry to hear about your parent. Xxx

How was she thinking you would get all those kids to her house?

Sorry for your losses OP.

I don’t think we were unreasonable. Your friend sounds a bit flaky. Of course, last year was tough for people in terms of getting together but it sounds that in the circumstances she should have made more of an effort.

I wouldn’t make contact, she’s either embarrassed or indignant that you’ve called her out. I think the onus is on her to make contact now and maybe the friendship was more one sided than you realised before.

This is like the mirror image of a scenario I had a few years ago. A very close friend of mine lost a very beloved grandparent, and felt I just wasn't supportive of her. She was angry and upset, and lashed out saying effectively that I'd been an inadequate friend for a while and ended our friendship.

I could say a lot about why I wasn't there for her (I was dealing with my own grief and MH stuff), but she had always been a close friend before and even if it was for (IMO) entirely justifiable reasons I just wasn't there for her.

It hurt a lot then, and eventually we sort of rekindled the friendship in that we text occasionally and send each other memes and forwards or chat in groups where we both are members, but it is not remotely the same. I am glad we have sort of made peace now so it isn't awkward for others to mention us both in the same sentence, but I miss that close friendship we used to have. We live on different continents so unless one of us makes a massive effort we are unlikely to meet again for a long time.

It is what it is I think. Sometimes our challenges expose us to who we actually want in our lives. And regardless of who is to blame, or even if neither is to blame, sometimes it just doesn't work out.

If it's bothering you I would just send a polite message so that you can smile if you cross each other in public or meet somewhere.

I am very sorry for your losses and hope you are managing to find some peace and healing slowly. xx

Far from cold and clinical you could look at it as measured and reasonable given the text you’d just sent. There is no way she could have comprehended your absolute and immediate need for her company at that moment. Saying she’d be ready in an hour IS pretty immediate with a baby. I imagine she was very hurt.

You are due to return to work and presumably work with her again. I would definitely try to clear the air. I suggested a text on the previous page. In many ways she WAS a good friend to you. If she didn’t quite understand that you needed more and couldn’t cope with her needing to reschedule then that’s not really her fault.

I’m truly sorry for your losses but losing this friend seems a shame.

I think you should text her again OP
You clearly did value her as a friend before this
It must be really hard and I can't imagine
She does sound willing to talk from her text and she perhaps doesn't understand (which unfortunately might be due to naivety more than anything else maybe)
It might be worth trying again

MatildaTheCat sorry I did see your suggestion for a text. I don’t feel able to send such a text at the moment, though I can see your point of view completely.

I can see how I may have been irrational and like a wounded animal. And yet I can’t stop feeling intense pain when I think of the situation. I can’t really forgive her in my heart, even if that is unfair. I am too bruised.

I think you are doverting some of the pain from your loss into this.
She wasn't unreasonable to say "let's go for the walk, I will call you after baby wakes up".

A little unfair but if I wad your friend I would understand why you were being harsh, and knowing how you felt I'd pull my socks up about making time to meet you. You aren't being totally unreasonable at all.

ZaphodBeeblerox losing a friend can be hard! I’m sorry about your experience. Even from my wounded point of view I can see how grieving people are not truly themselves. I’m sure your friend is sorry about the loss of friendship too.

I’m sorry for your losses.

I think you were probably off-loading more grief and stress on her than she could cope with.
Especially as she had a baby. Looking after a baby is highly stressful, she probably put the baby and her need for sleep before your need to talk about your sister. Perhaps supporting you after your mother’s illness and death brought her down so much she couldn’t face hearing about your sister’s illness and death too.

Was the friendship becoming one-sided? Eg all about your grief and pain?
Or did you ask about her well-being too, ask how she was, how the baby was, how she was finding motherhood? Show interest and joy in her baby?

Did you do anything fun together or was it becoming more like you leaning on her for informal counselling?

Not everyone is comfortable talking about illness and death. Especially with covid bringing the reality close to home for many. Not all friends have the mental energy or skills to help someone through the grieving process.

I recommend you talk to a bereavement counsellor, and with your friends try not to make your losses and grief the focus of conversation.

Hikeforward well our friendship really didn’t get a chance to become about my grief and pain. I have not seen her once in the almost eight months since my sister died.

I didn’t talk much about my grief regarding my mum. When my mum died my sister was becoming very sick and I was consumed with worry and care for her. I don’t think I processed my mum’s death at the time, much less let it consume my friendships.

It’s a shame that people can’t discuss death and illness. It seems to me a terrible burden to place in bereaved people. They must suffer through grief in silence so as not to make other people uncomfortable? I don’t agree with that, and I didn’t before my own loss. It’s important for society and community to allow space for talk about death and illness.

I do understand how you feel in as much as anyone can. Bereavement is a cruel and sly companion.

The initial issue you raised in relation to this was going back to work. Do you want to clear the air before you go back or would you prefer to ignore the situation? I think after your friend’s last text she has placed the ball firmly in your court.

As an aside have you turned to the bereavement boards on here? They are full of support. It’s really sad but many, many of our friends are not equipped to deal with the raw agony of a bereaved friend. In my experience they can actually still be friends but maybe just not the ones you will ever hold dearest to your heart.

@germinal

I will try and keep this short.

In October 2018 my beloved sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was 40 years old and had four small children. In December 2018 my beloved mother was also diagnosed with cancer.

Throughout 2019 they both received aggressive treatment. Anyone with experience of cancer treatment may know what that rollercoaster is like.

My mother died in September 2019 and my sister in May 2020.

I have been supported by my DH, my DC and my other family. Because of COVID I have been unable to see many close friends.

I have one close friend in the town I live in, who I know through work. She has been sweet and supportive via text but I have not seen her since my sister died. Each time we have arranged to meet she has rearranged it someway or another. For example “can you come to my house so my baby can have a nap?” Or “I can’t catch up long as my husband has a board meeting” or “Can we meet another day I have a dermatologist appointment”.

I was so fragile that I became very upset. I texted her upset and said, basically, if her sister had died I would reschedule everything around her.

At the time I was so fragile. I guess I was fairly irrational. I was so lonely and frightened and sad. She really hasn’t talked to me since.

I guess I just want anyone’s views in the above. I don’t think the friendship can ever return to what it was. But I just wonder now, as I am due to return to work after a long break, whether I was behaving very unreasonably....?

Thanks for reading this far xxx

Not unreasonable in the least

You are either there for someone. or you're not. And even if that 'there' has to be from a distance you do what you say you will. Or don't bother.

So sorry for your losses.

Have you had therapy op?

I'm so sorry for your losses OP, and know only too well the roller coaster of cancer treatment. There is nothing like the raw pain of bereavement for making you understand who your real friends are, and they are the ones who can stand with you in your pain, even though they don't know the right things to say or do, they don't ignore you or push you away, and your bond with them deepens because they share your experience. The ones who cannot do this miss out on the enrichment that comes from shares experiences. It is a shame.

I'm sorry for your loss op.

I think you need to understand things may have been happening in her life too, whilst you write ( understandably) about your grief, what has been happening in her life, PND ?depression due to lockdown? If she was equally fragile she may have stepped back to self protect.

I think an email apologising might help you get back on track, if you don't you will always wonder what if.

I don’t really think either of you were being unreasonable. I do think though that you can’t really be there for someone if you don’t have your shit together yourself and having a young baby can certainly feel like that.

I personally have been in a situation where my friend was going through a rough time and whilst I was there for them, it wasn’t in the way they demanded or the way I wanted to be in ideal circumstances. My mental health was through the floor and I was seeing the crisis team for it however I never told them this because they had their own worries. Yes, your friends should be there for you but sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.

I do think it’s worth reaching out again though now some time has passed. I’m very sorry for your losses.

YANBU
What you are going through is horrific and she should have supported you instead of acting like a selfish cow.

@germinal, I totally agree with you re people needing to be able to discuss death and illness. And I am so sorry for your loss, I am sure it must still be devastating to you.

I have lost my dad and brother a few days apart, my brother also had cancer, my dad's illness and death was quite sudden. My children's dad died a few months later. My grief was so messed up, if I cried for one I felt guilty that I didn't prioritised the other's memories. It is only now that I feel I am becoming fully human again. It took 4 years. So be easy on yourself, and ALL the emotions you carry.

Your friend was not unreasonable, as I am sure you know deep down, or at least came to realise through these messages on the thread. Having said that, emotions when you're dealing with complex bereavement is so intense, and not a lot of people would understand it.

I remember one day getting so angry with life, all these people just going about their own business as if the world was still the same. Another acquaintance came up to me in a public space, doing the 'aww, poor you head tilt'. I could have easily punched her in the face, which is very unlike me. Rather ridiculous, isn't it? But I felt what I felt. As do you.

With a new baby (10mths is still brand new) she probably didn't have a lot of capacity for much else. Plus the fear around Covid, as well as people feeling generally uncomfortable around the bereaved, I am sure she was doing the best she was capable of. And it is ok that you feel it wasn't enough. She would never be able to understand what you went through, and so her response was the best she could do. Although, it sounds as if you didn't feel that your feelings/needs were validated at all.

I hope that somehow you will be able to build a bridge. I am sure starting a conversation with an open mind will go a very long way in healing the feelings you still carry around her (perceived lack of) support.

I am ever so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the effects the trauma left. I hope things keep getting better for you.

@Userzzz

YANBU What you are going through is horrific and she should have supported you instead of acting like a selfish cow.

That's actually really uncalled for