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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bad way to spend £1000 community care grant

183 replies

milliec · 27/10/2007 20:48

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
TerrorMater · 29/10/2007 15:55

I think it's tough.

I understand your points Elizabetth, but due to the woman's choices, her children have no beds. So she is asking for more public money. Which she should probably get so that her children have something to sleep on. And people who have spent their own grants more 'wisely' (for want of a better word) therefore are effectively penalised for that.

What would be your approach?

meemar · 29/10/2007 16:01

Elizabetth - however disgracefully civil servants have behaved with public money, it really is not the issue here. If someone had started a thread about Sir John, I imagine judgement on him would have been extremely harsh.

It does not take away the fact that the mother badly prioritised money given to her (be it entitlement or charity) and then refused further help, because she wanted more money. Because she unwisely spent the first lot of money and now refuses to take free essential items being offered to her, there is no reason to expect she would be any more sensible with a further grant.

Not sure why you can't see this.

Elizabetth · 29/10/2007 16:02

It's none of my business - that's the point and it isn't the business of any of the other people on this board either. If I was really worried about her children's beds that I felt the need to talk about her on a public board then I would offer to pay for them myself and if I wasn't planning on doing that then I'd keep my nose out and my opinion to myself. This was a private issue that was made public by someone who should have known better.

TerrorMater · 29/10/2007 16:04

"I know she'll be on the phone to us again first thing Monday morning and I am trying to decide what to say to her"

From the OP.

If it were your business, what would you say to her?

Elizabetth · 29/10/2007 16:04

BTW, where did I say she should get a further grant? If she's entitled to it I guess she should, but I'm assuming that what she was given was all that she will get.

The outrage that she should have dared to ask for more is what I don't understand. Didn't Oliver Twist get a hard time for doing something similar?

meemar · 29/10/2007 16:04

Agree with TerrorMater

If someone had spent the first £1000 sensibly on essential items, and had then come back to ask for another £600 to spend on a brand new sofa do you think they would be given it?

TerrorMater · 29/10/2007 16:06

Has anybody said that you did?

TerrorMater · 29/10/2007 16:09

Ah, OK.

She has had autonomy in the spending of the grant.

But her children still need beds.

Is her autonomy more important than the fact she hasn't bought things her children need?

Not digging at the mother, just asking.

Elizabetth · 29/10/2007 16:09

Meemar did -

"Because she unwisely spent the first lot of money and now refuses to take free essential items being offered to her, there is no reason to expect she would be any more sensible with a further grant. Not sure why you can't see this."

I never said anything about whether she would be sensible with a futher grant. What I've said all along is that it isn't really any of our business, and that why is there such a rush to judge this woman who really is in an unfortunate position whether she was stupid about spending the money or not.

fedupwasherwoman · 29/10/2007 16:11

Elizabeth

I'm still thinking what I would say to her if I was in the OP'S position.

What would you say to her ?

I can't get over the fact that her kids must be sleeping on the floor whilst she relaxes on her new £599 sofa to watch T.V. in the evening.

TerrorMater · 29/10/2007 16:12

If public money is being given for essentials, should that money be spent on non-essentials, leaving the essentials still wanting?

Elizabetth · 29/10/2007 16:13

I"d say nothing because it isn't my job. How is being judgemental to her helping her children? If the OP is really that concerned by the woman's children not having beds then she can have a whip-round at the office and ask for some money from the posters on Mumsnet. I'm poor but I'll gladly throw in a tenner.

fedupwasherwoman · 29/10/2007 16:19

Sorry but any whipround to fund the purchase of brand new beds is just "enabling" this woman to go on making poor choices in the future.

Sets a bad example to her kids who won't really care if beds are used, unless she passes on her "oh no, we can't have second hand" attitude.

God help the next generation brought up like this.

fedupwasherwoman · 29/10/2007 16:21

The point the OP was making though Elizabetth, is what if it was your job, what would you say, or would you pass the buck and refuse to take her calls on Monday ?

meemar · 29/10/2007 16:22

'It's none of my business - that's the point and it isn't the business of any of the other people on this board either'

Elizabetth - you are missing the point of a chat forum. Practically every other thread is people discussing other people and having opinions, and sometimes judgements - it's normal interaction.

People have an opinion on this because the woman's poor choices have had a detrimental effect on her children.

FWIW i don't think millec has done anything wrong - she hasn't give any personal details out about the woman, just because she works in the public sector it doesn't mean she can't talk about her job.

Maybe the staff don't want to start a whip-round for the woman because they've already spent a lot of time professially trying to help her, which she's refused.

Elizabetth · 29/10/2007 16:23

Yeah, I guess we might be helping her to make poor choices the next time her house burns down. I'll take the risk.

It appears that it's not the kids you're bothered about, just getting in your judgements about this woman whose circumstances we shouldn't even be aware, however somebody decided to broadcast her personal circumstances in public so we are.

Elizabetth · 29/10/2007 16:26

Meemar, I don't think it is standard practice for civil servants or government employees to broadcast their clients' circumstances on talkboards for the world to judge. I've certainly never come across anything like this on a talkboard before.

Although icod who apparently is a magistrate was used as an example of someone who did this and to justify the OP doing it, she came on to the thread to say that she doesn't talk about individual cases here. I believe that there is an expectation of privacy in this sort of situation.

casbie · 29/10/2007 16:27

if no-body discussed this issue, the world would be a poorer place for it...

colditz · 29/10/2007 16:27

I wouldn't start a whip round for her, she's obviously a financial idiot who would fritter it on matching cushions. Pointless arranging furniture for her, they've already tried.

Is this what society has come to - how far does the duty to help the helpless go?

She is effectively holding her children to ransom, in that if they don't give her more money, the children will have nowhere to sleep.

meemar · 29/10/2007 16:28

No, not poor choices the next time her house is burnt down, but poor choices the next time she is given a lump sum, which is what would happen if the staff or MN had a whip-round.

If she is not told any different why would she spend any differently?

I am bothered about the kids, which is why I feel she should have accepted the free goods offered to her.

dividedself · 29/10/2007 16:28

Afaik the grant is a one time thing and you can't apply again within 6 months. I thought there was a set of criteria and not that it was a matter for individual negotiation. What is your role here OP?

Does anyone know that the chilren are actually on the floor? A blow ub double bed is £12 in Tesco - they'll be okay.

colditz · 29/10/2007 16:29

If I had the money, I would buy each of the children a second hand bed, so it's not about an unwillingness to help the children ... it's about a deep sense of disgust that someone considers a posh sofa more important than their child's bed.

nightshade · 29/10/2007 16:30

have to agree with other posters. MN is not, in my opinion, somewhere to share the specifics of such a case!!!

a general query, or outline maybe.

i think you need to look at your professionalism.

if you really need to no whether or not you are being unreasonable then do it during supervision with your senior.

i don't know what you are aiming to achieve by such a posting.

colditz · 29/10/2007 16:32

We have no idea who the subject of the OP is, her age, where she lives or what she looks like. Ditto for milliesc herself. So how this is a breach of confidentiality is beyond me. She could be talking about anyone!

lovecat · 29/10/2007 16:33

The OP has hardly been specific, though, has she? We don't know where this woman lives, what ages the children are, anything! She may even, for all you know, have changed the sex of the parent/number of children/circumstances of loss so as not to identify the person involved.

There's a fair bit of self-righteousness going on on both sides of this argument, imho...