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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Self Esteem issues with LC in laws

85 replies

IABUQueen · 13/01/2021 19:37

Hi all,

So I’ve had a very rough patch with DHs entire family few years ago where they were quite bullying to me over a prolonged period of time.

I went LC with them and blocked them on my WhatsApp after they had been quite disrespectful and just kept to pleasantries.

They tried to prove to DH that they’re better people now.. I don’t know wether to beleive them or not but frankly damage was done.

I told DH I want to remain LC and only meet them with him or on family occasions and only talk to them with him or on occasions. But that I support him to remain in touch so long as our marriage isn’t being discussed and that he doesn’t have to worry.

I also told him my kids can’t see them unsupervised because I don’t trust them to not engage in horrible parental alienation tactics and manipulation. DH thinks I’m overthinking and yes I have anxiety around them now but he respects that.

3 years on and I’m struggling with the fact they’ve all bonded and I’m excluded and how comfortable this arrangement is actually for them. I am often super hurt about why they couldn’t behave in this way when I’m around and only put effort with DH when I’m excluded.

They’re cold with me. But act lovingly Infront of DH. We all know we are rubbing along for the sake of DH.

I usually put effort when I see them as I sincerely want things to be different.. I never wanted to feel so excluded and it really hurts .. especially that my family really honour DH..

DH is distant from them.. but for the sake of his mental health I told him to not feel obliged to b as extreme as I am with them. That he should visit them without me.. call them without me.. and so on..

But this resulted in them actually bonding as if nothing happened at all. DH doesn’t spend much time with them because naturally he won’t feel comfortable leaving me behind.. but the little things that I see that makes me feel like they have a very normal dynamic really hurts me because it makes me feel like I’m irrelevant.

Sometimes I take it out on DH unfairly even though I’m the one that wanted him to give them chances because I saw how conflicted he felt.

I think my self esteem is super fragile because of the rejection I feel but I need to learn to not take it personally as I know they’re not my family and whatever.

Anyway any words of wisdom on how to rise above it.

Thanks

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

OP posts:
1Morewineplease · 13/01/2021 19:40

I'm just wondering what your in-laws would have posted on here.
Your post is vague and one-sided.
I suspect that there's a backstory.

Original poster
IABUQueen · 13/01/2021 20:15

Just realised my title is wrong due to spell checker on my phone

In law exclusion

OP posts:
sparticuscaticus · 13/01/2021 20:17

Ask MN HQ to change title as it's weird "I'm Law exclusion"

Change it to "Want to Low contact or NC my in laws "

Pumpkinpied · 13/01/2021 20:20

You got what you wanted.

sparticuscaticus · 13/01/2021 20:23

OP

Also

  • you wrote a long post but don't explain if they are DH and your DC or your DC and he is step dad?
  • he's made up with his parents. Your PIL are polite to you.
Leave it be unless they continue to be rude to you. As families get over things and you told him to rebond!!
  • we don't know how bad their behaviour was , so for a very long OP thread, you say so little facts
slashlover · 13/01/2021 20:25

You went LC and don't want them to see your kids unsupervised but now you're upset that you feel excluded?

saraclara · 13/01/2021 20:25

So you wanted to go LC and now you're offended because they're respecting that yet still being pleasant to you?

This makes no sense.

hammeringinmyhead · 13/01/2021 20:26

So... did you want to offer him the opportunity to make up with them, to ease your own conscience, but for him to say no and say he'd side with you?

You shouldn't have given him your "blessing" if you are going to take it out on him when he takes you at your word.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 13/01/2021 20:27

It sounds as though your in laws and your DH are respecting your wishes. If you want things to be different then you will need to make the first move.

Thehop · 13/01/2021 20:29

You got what you wanted? Or did you think they’d be devastated when you went LC and jump through hoops to “win you back”?

Try to enjoy the peace and freedom and remain close to your own family.

princessandthedragon · 13/01/2021 20:39

I’m surprised at the responses you have received to your post OP. I’ve been on the receiving end of hostility and general nastiness from my in-laws and I put up with it for years until I cut contact with them 4 years ago. I don’t blame you for cutting contact. Having to see people on a regular basis who get off on making snippy remarks specifically targeted towards you is pretty upsetting to say the least - and is bound to affect your self confidence over time. I cut contact with my MIL and her partner as an act of self preservation. I was made out to be the baddy when it was entirely down to their actions. Now they are acting like the victims. No way was I going to put up with another 20+ years of that shit. Yes, I often feel sad that things have ended up this way but that’s down to them and their actions. When the bullying started being directed at me in front of my children that was the last straw. I can just imagine what you had to endure before you decided to cut contact - it’s not an easy thing to do. Whatever you do don’t go back to them and end up apologising when you haven’t done anything wrong.

Catty1720 · 13/01/2021 20:50

What does LC mean?

BlueSussex · 13/01/2021 21:03

It's hard to say without knowing what they did to be honest.

It could be that you are the problem.

It could be that DH should have had your back and he is the problem.

If these people are too toxic for you then they are too toxic to be around your children. If it's just a clash of personality/difference of opinion then you need to chill out a bit.

IseeIsee · 13/01/2021 21:04

I understand how you feel. They mistreat you and you then are left outside alone. It's like when someone is bullied and the victim changes school whilst the bully gets to stay in their comfortable existence. But the only way for the victim to move on and have a happy life is to get away from the bullies. Focus on your own happiness and family/friends and try pretend you are in a different place now, without them. It is different if your DH is still allowing their influence/creating issues.

This is presuming they mistreated you. It's not really clear from your initial post.

Hankunamatata · 13/01/2021 21:15

What do you actually want?

You went low contact. Wouldn't let children see dh family easily. Naturally dh has had to go low contact to support you. In laws are being polite.

You dont want to be part of their family by then sounds of it. Yet your resentful that they are all getting on with their lives.

cherish123 · 14/01/2021 00:19

Was confused by acronym LC but read it later on on thread as low contact - is that what you mean? I

FrankButchersDickieBow · 14/01/2021 00:25

I'm imagining you're in you late 20s/30s OP

I promise you this. By the time you get in your 40's, you will not give a shit.

You will be civilised and friendly and let them see the kids whenever they want, but they wont be a thing in your life. They will be an aside

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2021 00:28

You can't have it both ways, op. You've made your choice so live with it, and stop talking out of both sides of your mouth to your husband, because if you don't, you'll destroy your marriage.

saraclara · 14/01/2021 01:12

So you want to be low contact with them, but you don't want them to be low contact with you. is that it?

This is really odd. You seem to want to have your cake and eat it.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 14/01/2021 03:05

Unless there's a huge drip feed coming YABU to cut people out then expect them to fawn all over you.

Sinful8 · 14/01/2021 04:02

"Sometimes I take it out on DH unfairly even though I’m the one that wanted him to give them chances because I saw how conflicted he felt."

Take it out on him in what way?

MilkMoon · 14/01/2021 06:34

I’m not sure what’s ‘confusing’ you about them acting lovingly with your DH and ‘coldly’ around you, though — he’s their son and they love him, whereas even in a more normal PIL/DIL or SIL set-up, they wouldn’t feel the same way about you, as they met you in adulthood and are not heir child. The personality clash, or whatever went on to cause the original unpleasantness, was with you.

You took yourself out of the equation, but told DH he should continue to see his parents, but now you’re unhappy their relationship is good?

If you feel so excluded, is it worth seeing them more and testing whether your relationship might be more functional? Otherwise it’s hard to see what you want out of the situation, other than your Dah also going LC, which you said you didn’t want...

legalseagull · 14/01/2021 06:49

Another one thinking YABU I'm afraid. You've got what you wanted but are upset that they've all moved on and are also happy with the arrangement. They're NBU by being loving to their son! You say they're being civil - what more do you want?

ivfbeenbusy · 14/01/2021 06:55

YABU

you blocked them, you rejected them, stipulated LC and no unsupervised contact with your children.

Now you have what you want your complaining that they have bonded without you and their relationships with each other clearly get along perfectly well without you 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps you thought they'd be begging you to come back and that would boost your self esteem? But now that has back fired???

ukgift2016 · 14/01/2021 07:01

What wrong with your husband having a separate relationship with his parents? Surely that's for the best.

Bit controlling much? You want all or nothing and your husband has to be at your beck and call.

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