Self Esteem issues with LC in laws

[IABUQueen]

Hi all,

So I’ve had a very rough patch with DHs entire family few years ago where they were quite bullying to me over a prolonged period of time.

I went LC with them and blocked them on my WhatsApp after they had been quite disrespectful and just kept to pleasantries.

They tried to prove to DH that they’re better people now.. I don’t know wether to beleive them or not but frankly damage was done.

I told DH I want to remain LC and only meet them with him or on family occasions and only talk to them with him or on occasions. But that I support him to remain in touch so long as our marriage isn’t being discussed and that he doesn’t have to worry.

I also told him my kids can’t see them unsupervised because I don’t trust them to not engage in horrible parental alienation tactics and manipulation. DH thinks I’m overthinking and yes I have anxiety around them now but he respects that.

3 years on and I’m struggling with the fact they’ve all bonded and I’m excluded and how comfortable this arrangement is actually for them. I am often super hurt about why they couldn’t behave in this way when I’m around and only put effort with DH when I’m excluded.

They’re cold with me. But act lovingly Infront of DH. We all know we are rubbing along for the sake of DH.

I usually put effort when I see them as I sincerely want things to be different.. I never wanted to feel so excluded and it really hurts .. especially that my family really honour DH..

DH is distant from them.. but for the sake of his mental health I told him to not feel obliged to b as extreme as I am with them. That he should visit them without me.. call them without me.. and so on..

But this resulted in them actually bonding as if nothing happened at all. DH doesn’t spend much time with them because naturally he won’t feel comfortable leaving me behind.. but the little things that I see that makes me feel like they have a very normal dynamic really hurts me because it makes me feel like I’m irrelevant.

Sometimes I take it out on DH unfairly even though I’m the one that wanted him to give them chances because I saw how conflicted he felt.

I think my self esteem is super fragile because of the rejection I feel but I need to learn to not take it personally as I know they’re not my family and whatever.

Anyway any words of wisdom on how to rise above it.

Thanks

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

billy1966

Thanks billy. I don’t have much support in real life that I could count on sadly except DH. I speak to a couple of friends here and there but I can’t say I count on them for support. Mumsnet is my best outlet abs in seeking counselling m.

I’ve just thought of something that might restore my dignity and reduce my anger.

In laws have a habit of gifting me at random occasions just to show DH that they’re better now and all can move on. They never gift him. Instead they gift me and then go force him to move on because “we gave her this and that”.

So.. I’m going to make a big box of all the items she gifted me. And send it back to her and tell her when I received them I genuinely beleived it was coming from a place that she valued a relationship with me. Now that I realised she never did, to please take it back and gift it to someone who will cherish it.

Is that petty ? The thought of this brings me comfort.

It’s incendiary. Why do you wish to escalate it like this.

This all started with you feeling left out and upset by the normal dynamic your husband has with his family and has ended with you wanting to go on the attack and escalate it with them

Why? It feels attention seeking.

I want to claim back my dignity after spending years being fooled by their fake pretences and putting effort with them which resulted in them throwing it back in my face whenever they didn’t get their way..

So, they can take their materialistic efforts which doesn’t amount to anything I did back. That bracelet, earrings and dress that she harps on about.. I won’t sell my dignity for them abs won’t allow DH to either.

Blunt

I don’t want to escalate things. Truly.

I want to have a sit down and address the hostility that everyone else moved on from but me.

But I know confronting her will result in a lot of gaslighting and drama.

I know it will be more upsetting for me if I even try to address it as I will be called all sorts of things.

So, I shall address things because I haven’t moved on.. and I shall give them a chance to make it right because a dress doesn’t compensate me for a year of tears when I was meant to enjoy my newborn...

I will give them a chance to make it right.. the proper way.. sincere way..

And I have my doubts they will. Which is why I never try to address things..

And if they don’t, I want to seal the convertsaion with claiming my dignity back.

Op, sending a package with all gifts in it and a bitchy comment is not sitting down and discussing it.

Don't do that OP. Throw bit all away if you want to but don't deliberately stir the hornet's nest.

Ok I’ll try not let my anger take over my judgement.

I guess I just find it a bit humiliating that my dignity is collateral damage

Op, gift it on.
Charity shops...

It's what I've done with gifts given in same sprit.

If you give it back it shows you care.

OP,
I agree with above.
Bin the gifts.

Don't throw a bomb that you don't know where it will land.

I think you would be the huge loser in this action.

You need to channel your anger and use it to your best advantage.

I'm so sorry you feel alone.

You are not alone.
Keep posting.

Take a little more time to think what is best for you and make a plan.
Preferably one that doesn't flow up in your face.