Self Esteem issues with LC in laws

[IABUQueen]

Hi all,

So I’ve had a very rough patch with DHs entire family few years ago where they were quite bullying to me over a prolonged period of time.

I went LC with them and blocked them on my WhatsApp after they had been quite disrespectful and just kept to pleasantries.

They tried to prove to DH that they’re better people now.. I don’t know wether to beleive them or not but frankly damage was done.

I told DH I want to remain LC and only meet them with him or on family occasions and only talk to them with him or on occasions. But that I support him to remain in touch so long as our marriage isn’t being discussed and that he doesn’t have to worry.

I also told him my kids can’t see them unsupervised because I don’t trust them to not engage in horrible parental alienation tactics and manipulation. DH thinks I’m overthinking and yes I have anxiety around them now but he respects that.

3 years on and I’m struggling with the fact they’ve all bonded and I’m excluded and how comfortable this arrangement is actually for them. I am often super hurt about why they couldn’t behave in this way when I’m around and only put effort with DH when I’m excluded.

They’re cold with me. But act lovingly Infront of DH. We all know we are rubbing along for the sake of DH.

I usually put effort when I see them as I sincerely want things to be different.. I never wanted to feel so excluded and it really hurts .. especially that my family really honour DH..

DH is distant from them.. but for the sake of his mental health I told him to not feel obliged to b as extreme as I am with them. That he should visit them without me.. call them without me.. and so on..

But this resulted in them actually bonding as if nothing happened at all. DH doesn’t spend much time with them because naturally he won’t feel comfortable leaving me behind.. but the little things that I see that makes me feel like they have a very normal dynamic really hurts me because it makes me feel like I’m irrelevant.

Sometimes I take it out on DH unfairly even though I’m the one that wanted him to give them chances because I saw how conflicted he felt.

I think my self esteem is super fragile because of the rejection I feel but I need to learn to not take it personally as I know they’re not my family and whatever.

Anyway any words of wisdom on how to rise above it.

Thanks

[Title edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

I think you need to work on your self esteem. Obviously taking it out on DH isn't good but do you feel unable to talk to him about how you are feeling?

@ivfbeenbusy

YABU

you blocked them, you rejected them, stipulated LC and no unsupervised contact with your children.

Now you have what you want your complaining that they have bonded without you and their relationships with each other clearly get along perfectly well without you 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps you thought they'd be begging you to come back and that would boost your self esteem? But now that has back fired???

Gaslighting?

"I want you to have a relationship with your family but I don't want to have one with them"

"How dare you exclude me from your relationship with your family"

I think a lot of these comments are really horrible and completely miss the point.

OP I’ve been there. Endured years and years of bullying and abuse from my in laws, in the end it got too much and I went NC, but I told my (now ex-)DH that he could of course continue to see them whenever he wanted to.

He didn’t see them very much, but whenever he did, I used to feel so full of rage! Like they had successfully bullied me out of the family, and by socializing with them, my ex was almost implicitly going along with it all. I felt really hurt and it is very hard getting on with your life whilst they seemingly don’t care how much hurt and upset their behavior has caused.

My only advice is to try not to take it out on your DH, he is very much stuck in the middle and obviously doesn’t want this. He is supporting you and that’s a good thing.

Try therapy or ranting about it all to a good friend, other than that, just give it time and I think after a while you’ll stop caring, or thinking about them, at all. Easier said than done I know.

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I’m in a similar situation, only I’m NC. Best thing I ever did. If I were to give you any advice, it would be to go NC. ILS will not suddenly start being nice to you. Stop encouraging or reminding your DH to contact or see his family: he is a grown man, he can sort it out for himself.

You got exactly what you wished, now you’re not happy, it sounds like you’re jealous he has a normal relationship because it makes it look like you’re the problem, not them.

Either make more of an effort or accept this is how you wanted it.

I think @LittleBlueToday is spot on!! This seems to be what a lot of posters have missed: this is what the in-laws wanted – you out of the way. They have made it so awful for you that you have given in and extracted yourself, which is what they always wanted. And it’s upset you because they have got their way by being mean to you, and although you do not want to be the reason your DH stop seeing them, you are kind of angry at him for ‘going along’ with it. Just don’t see them at all: their pleasantries to your face will be winding you up as you know it’s all fake. I think your feelings are entirely justified and understandable.

Op non of us asked to be abused for simply falling for the right man with the wrong family.
I too have suffered horrendous abuse for years from in laws, I tried to include them in everything but they didn't respect me or appreciate it was me doing the inviting not their own son.
I dropped the rope, I wish I hadn't been conditioned to hang into it for as long as I did.

Op I also feel your in laws now have this perfect situation with their son back and you are out of the picture. However, how often does he see them?.

You can try again with them, what matters to you most?
I know my in laws now, they will never turn into kind happy people, I know I'm never going to miss anything being with them.
In my case it's dh who doesn't bother with them and corona has been a wondeful sheild

He didn’t see them very much, but whenever he did, I used to feel so full of rage! Like they had successfully bullied me out of the family, and by socializing with them, my ex was almost implicitly going along with it all. I felt really hurt and it is very hard getting on with your life whilst they seemingly don’t care how much hurt and upset their behavior has caused.

Thank you for this. You have really understood what I’m saying. Your words are truly soothing

They have made it so awful for you that you have given in and extracted yourself, which is what they always wanted. And it’s upset you because they have got their way by being mean to you, and although you do not want to be the reason your DH stop seeing them, you are kind of angry at him for ‘going along’ with it. Just don’t see them at all: their pleasantries to your face will be winding you up as you know it’s all fake. I think your feelings are entirely justified and understandable

Thank you for helping me find my words. I need to explain this to DH.

The thing is, I don’t want to make a fuss and I want him to be happy and continue. But I think he is confused about my position (much like many pp) and he ends up coming to me narrating things about what they did and who said what abs acting all jolly.. and I just feel so hurt when he does that I end up snapping at him.

In my head I want him to go do what he wants but to understand that his family have hurt me so badly and so not rub things in my face. But in his head, I don’t want much to do with them and his relationship has nothing to do with me (whixh was originally my idea as he used to feel he had to be loyal to me and cut them off and I asked him to please not to do it for me).

Anyway.. I think I need to explain to him what I expect from him. In terms of keeping his excitement over his family to himself. Because even though I’m happy for him I just find the details of it so hurtful to my self esteem.

In my case it's dh who doesn't bother with them and corona has been a wondeful sheild

To be honest with you, lockdown has been the first time my mental health and anxiety fixed up. Before that I was having panick attacks and feelinf so insecure in my marriage.

I too found lockdown to be freeing.

Which is so sad and I want some control over my life and self esteem.

Thank you
princessandthedragon, IseeIsee,

FrankButchersDickieBow I am indeed 30. I think it all matters because my kids are very young and I feel it’s aweful for me and them. I really hope you’re right that in my 40s they won’t matter. The thought is freeing.

SnuggyBuggy

I think this is what I need to do for my self esteem. I need to explain to DH how I feel about it all..

I hadn’t been able to go in detail in the past because to be honest it was such a touchy subject for me that I was worried it will all come out horribly. Almost like “I want you to see the horrible people they are” which I know isn’t right , but I’m only human and they have bullied me in ways that no one ever has in the past. And yes they got what they want, for me to become irrelevant in their family.

I need to come at it from the angle of my self esteem. Let him know that I’m morally not wanting to be in his way to have a relationship with his family but that this isn’t the “norm” to have a wife excluded in this way and so I don’t want him to share details of their jolly conversations.

I don’t want to control how he behaves with his family, but I do think just like I’m being courteous towards him and his mental health , he can at least acknowledge that this dynamic is something that was forced upon me and so he doesn’t need to rub details in my face like that.

Well you can tell him not to tell you, sure, but you’ll just start to wonder.

The bottom line is you need to deal with your jealousy, insecurity and self esteem issues. It’s really the only way forward here. Trying to brush it under the rug will only work for a short period.

You can’t change other people, you need to focus on your own reactions. If you’re suffering from mental health issues, then you need to work on those, whilst asking him not to comment in the meantime.

Where you both are right now is very damaging for your relationship.

He may just see how they behave as normal because he's grown up with it. Marital counselling to help with how you two communicate might help too.

Well you can tell him not to tell you, sure, but you’ll just start to wonder.

The bottom line is you need to deal with your jealousy, insecurity and self esteem issues. It’s really the only way forward here. Trying to brush it under the rug will only work for a short period

That..You're the one with the problem here..not him. Not your kids. Are you going to insist that your kids don't talk about their visit to their grandparents, too?

OP, I wanted to respond to a couple of your points (made in separate updates you've posted_.

Like they had successfully bullied me out of the family, and by socializing with them, my ex was almost implicitly going along with it all.

I do understand this position as it's the one I'm in myself. But I chose not to be in contact with my in-laws because I valued my own self-esteem and dignity. As an adult I have the right to decide who I will or won't spend time with, and what sort of behaviour I will and won't accept. My life is better and happier for not having them in it. I've chosen to focus on the people I do love, and who love me.

I can't (and wouldn't want to) stop my DH having a relationship with his birth family. He also wants our child to maintain a relationship. I'm not 100% happy with this, as they've not treated DH all that well in the past and I don't want our child subjected to the same behaviour. But this is his child too and he should have an equal say. I just try to image how I'd feel were things the other way round.

Anyway.. I think I need to explain to him what I expect from him. In terms of keeping his excitement over his family to himself. Because even though I’m happy for him I just find the details of it so hurtful to my self esteem.

I think this sounds sensible. Treat it as a negotiation and offer him something in return. I.e. I promise I won't make an issue out of your seeing your family, if YOU promise you won't rub my face in it when you come back.

You can see I've read my Susan Forward . BTW her book Toxic In-Laws is strongly recommended!

Can you give more insight into the bullying? What occured that has made all this kick off and get to this stage?

I think my self esteem issues come from the fact I’m just so angry at myself for not being assertive enough so that what would’ve been a personality clash did not have to end up resulting in abuse and crossing boundaries and causing irreversable hurt.. which makes it impossible for me to look at them as a family ever again.. something I really wanted and invested in.

And I guess I’m angry at DH even though he did tell me to not get too close to them but he was such a pushover to them and in their pockets ans them into ours but somehow expected me to put boundaries and push them away... while I had no idea that they were being fake to me but he knew the facts.

I guess I feel like I somehow deep down beleive the dynamic wouldn’t have become this toxic if I and DH knew how to draw lines from the beginning.. and it really mattered to me to have a healthy dynamic with them where at least we can be civil without being fake

What happened op. You use very very strong words. Bullying, abuse, etc. I think you need to go into more detail of what they have done.

I’m just so angry at myself for not being assertive enough so that what would’ve been a personality clash did not have to end up resulting in abuse and crossing boundaries and causing irreversable hurt.. which makes it impossible for me to look at them as a family ever again.. something I really wanted and invested in.

This again makes sense, as does the fact that your DH warned you the way it would be (as did mine. He knew their propensity for negativity and stirring up trouble). You now need to let go of the situation if you're to regain your own equilibrium. Relinquish your dreams of a rosy family life; they were never rooted in reality. Also, you need to ask honestly whether you were placing expectations on them that were impossible to fulfil. They're not your family of origin and they don't have the same shared history. They're not required to love you. If they like you, that's a bonus. All they are really required to do is show you a basic degree of politeness. Apparently they couldn't manage that and this is where the rot's set in.

The bad news is that withdrawing gracefully and letting go of what they represented to you is a necessity. It's a painful process, but it was a dream that never served you. The good news is that relinquishing hope is liberating. They are never going to change, so acceptance of this fact is your first step toward finding some peace with the situation.

I did similar with my mil and the result has been the same too.
I actually really like it. You got what you wanted to why be upset? You should be relieved

How close do you live?

They have got what they wanted really, and are making it obvious.

I think it's reasonable to point that out to your DH.

I'm another who is saying just go completely NC with them and then concentrate on not being invested when DH sees them.

It made my life ineffably better once I made that decision. And my DH warned me too... he sees very little of them now, hasn't for the last couple of decades.

And you don't have to give details, apart from the fact that they'd sound ridiculous written down, you and your DH know how his family have acted

All they are really required to do is show you a basic degree of politeness. Apparently they couldn't manage that and this is where the rot's set in.

Yes precisely. Now all I want is a basic level of politeness.. they manage enough politeness that manages to disguise their snide remarks under DHs radar.

The few major slip ups that managed to happen Infront of DH, he acknowledges it.. but he tells me he can’t change them and it’s not personal directed at me and that his family just are not used to having a “filter” and that his mother has issues that he can’t control. He does leave it up to me how much I interact with them..

I am not sure whether they’re impolite or just generally socially inept that they have no idea how rude they come across.. DH thinks it’s the second one.. I feel like I don’t know them to truly judge that anymore..

But admittedly I feel insecure about DH having such a double life with an intense relationship with people that don’t seem to know what it means to respect his wife. Or kids. And that when he spells it out to them, it turns into drama.

We have both agreed their behaviour at times is crossing the line both towards me and our kids.. but he seems to explain it differently. I respect his reasoning as he does give me the option to not engage much. But my kids having that interaction with them I feel like I don’t want to be excluded from my toddlers having an intense relationshio with people who don’t respect their mother so . And I don’t trust them anymore.. I’m just keeping them close frankly because I need to protect my kids. It’s not the only reason but it’s one of my main reasons that I wouldn’t explore NC. Me and DH are not in agreement when it comes to how to manage their influence on our kids and I do totally understand that because naturally he sees his family in a more balanced point of view and he did manage to grow into a human being I adore so I know that their flaws and his flaws aren’t the full picture but I personally can’t handle it as it’s quite mean.. he does agree with me on the end goal, on what’s acceptable and what’s not but he wants me to leave him to manage it..

And I know I need to trust him to manage it his way, but these are my kids too.. and I need that but of resssursnce and I need to have his back when he gets ganged up on otherwise I don’t think he will do a good job. Because I think he has let his family bully him in the past and only realised too late.

Incidentally my SIL (DHs sister) and his brother both know that their parents can be quite cruel but they decided to put up with it and join in.. they told my DH a story once Infront of me “family always stick together against an outsider”. Their idea of a family unit is a gang. They revel in moments of conflict because it helps them feel their togetherness. It’s a dynamic very different to what I’m used to. And I’m at the receiving end and so I acknowledge that my view of them as human beings is tainted and DH sees them as more than just the mean in laws and at times grandparents they are being..

Hard to swallow though. Because I desperately need him to be my source of support.

I haven’t found a friend replacement through this who can be on the same page as me. I’ve signed up to counselling though. So hopefully that helps.

So I think they’re civil and polite?? I don’t know.. DH thinks they try to be but don’t know how.. I think they aren’t as some of the things they say to me are considered quite nasty.. but DH explains it as his sister being inexperienced and young Abd his mother having social issues (both hold some truth to them). but what I do know is they put no weight on my place in DHs life and that feels disrespectful and highlights my unworthiness in their eyes and this dynamic to me is just emphasising that.

And my DH warned me too... he sees very little of them now, hasn't for the last couple of decades.

My DH would happily indirectly engineer a situation where he would have nothing to do with his family (or so he says). But I see him waiting for my green light to do that and waiting for me to say it’s the right thing to do.. and I just simply don’t want to be that person.. it needs to come from him because I don’t know what’s the right thing and if it was me, I would rather he just learns how to be blunt about his boundaries and give them a chance to rethink their ways

It’s interesting you appear unwilling to give examples of their behaviour.