Richer friends, would it work?

[Rossfaketan]

I live in another country and am friends with lots in the local ex pat community.
I’m a teacher and have been offered a position at a private, international school. This would also mean a huge discount on fees if we wanted our Dd to attend (3 years old) it’s a beautiful school and I can see how many amazing doors it would open for her...the issue is the majority of parents are wealthy to very wealthy-think 5-10 million pound properties, some celebrities etc. The less well off are still in the position to send their children to private school and have villas with pools etc.
We are an average income family, with a lovely house by the beach and average car.
How would my child find being friends with so many more fortunate children? Would it work or would it make more sense to send her to the local, good, state school?
Don’t you find people of similar wealth/backgrounds tend to be friends/hang around together? Would my daughter and I fit in?

Anyone..?

I went to a private school on a scholarship. All my friends were wealthy, parents who were footballers, surgeons, barristers etc. It honestly never bothered me and I'm still friends with many of them 20 years later. I made a conscious decision when I started that I wasn't going to let it bother me or if have been miserable. My parents were the self conscious ones and felt awkward when picking me up from friends' houses. The parents, like their kids were lovely people who would never have looked down on my parents.

There were plenty of snobby kids there if I'm honest, but I deliberately sought out friends who weren't like this. I never once felt like the "poor kid" even though I very much was. I just felt grateful for the sacrifices my parents made to pay for all the extras.

If you can afford to send your dd, do it. She'll get so many opportunities from it. I'm sure you'll find families there who you get on with.

I was a scholarship kid to posh girls school. Never bothered me. Kids can feel out of place for all sports of reasons but whether they actually let it bother them depends upon their personality etc. I suspect if you don't ever even mention it as an issue they won't think much about it either.

@DuringDinnerMints Did your friends make friends with the other parents and socialise etc? The thing is, it’s not just the attending school, it’s everything else that comes with it..the children have tennis lessons, horseriding, golf, expensive weekends away, ski-ing. Did you ever feel left out of these activities or ever wish you had the same?
How do you think it benefited you in life, do you still move in those circles?

@gruffalo28 I think when young she wouldn’t notice, but when she gets older, won’t she wonder why she doesn’t have the mansion and cars her friends do 🤷🏻‍♀️
Also, did you mix with other children aside from at school also? I want her to see a mix of backgrounds/classes etc.

I also worry about the pressure of me keeping my job, if something were to happen, she’d lose her place no doubt.

What's the AIBU question?

I went to a private international boarding school in Africa. The students varied from local, poor scholarship students to African and European royalty. Everyone was treated the same. Money didn't get better accommodation or allow students to get out of doing things. There was a set maximum amount of pocket money that students were allowed. There was no uniform, but the vast majority of students wore jeans and t-shirts. There was never really a feeling of inequality.
I guess what I'm saying is that it depends a lot on the ethos of the school.

I'd go for it, its the opportunity of a lifetime. If she becomes unhappy there you can always move her, but at least that way she has the choice.

Is it just the school fees you would get discount on? I expect all the ski trips (and clothes and equipment needed for that), international trips and exchanges, uniform, sports equipment, etc. Would soon add up. Would you be able to pay for that too? It might be difficult for your daughter if the whole class jetted off to france on a half term ski trip without her for example

Let her go to this school - it's about her not you and she will probably be fine. One needs to know not everyone is equal.

@IndiaMay That’s what I’m thinking, it’s the extra bits too, even socially at the weekends and the things they do, it could cost a fair amount. She’d be able to likely go on some of the trips but my worry is the need to always feel we have to keep up with it all in order to give her the best, if it is in fact the best?

Your daughter will be fine, for the first few years anyway, when she is young. But you will have to think carefully about how you will feel about play dates, birthday parties, outings, etc, especially in terms of reciprocal arrangements. If the parents are as rich as you say they will have lifestyles and expectations that are extremely different to yours. The very rich are, in my observation, almost a different species. Be careful how you tread around them! I have lived and worked in an expat environment with a broad range of incomes and have seen how great wealth can distort people's behaviour.

One of my DC went to a very expensive (and very brilliant) school on a scholarship, from our very modest background. We also had help with school trips, uniform etc. The other pupils neither knew nor cared where anyone was from or what their parents did. It was far more egalitarian than the senior schools my other children attended, where popularity was dependent on wealth, possessions, having the newest iPhone, etc, etc, etc.

My mum was an international school teacher and I got a brilliant education for free. It was the most expensive school in the country (South East Asia). There were a few who came from legit billionaire families. Whilst I couldn't necessarily go on all the far flung trips or afford the latest MacBook, I didn't feel particularly different. I have some brilliant down to earth friends, and am very glad to have had the opportunity that I did.

@Roadtohades Interesting, please tell more!

I reckon let her try it and see how she feels about it. I know PPs have said they had a good experience but I did a couple of years as the poor kid at a fancy school and hated it. Everyone was obsessed with money and constantly talking about their holidays and new car and new toys. There was also an attitude of entitlement and elitism which led to me feeling like I was never good enough. I switched to the local state school and was much happier.

Yes you need to consider your long term career plans, if DD is only 3 now - would you want to work in that school for the next 15 years? Also the cost of uniform, books, extra curricular activities and trips can be significantly higher at private schools.

Otherwise I would say go for it, it would be a fantastic opportunity for your DD.

I think I'd do my best not to let my pride get in the way of giving DC such an amazing opportunity, difficult though it may be. DC are at a private school in the UK, the range of wealth at the school is vast and a number of teachers send their own DC there, who may not have been able to without the fee discount. As a PP said, it's about the ethos of the school and whether they encourage an inclusive culture. Certainly at ours, my own DC recognise that there are children there who have much bigger houses, better cars, more/better holidays but that's just life. I've not witnessed any snobbery at all - if I did, I'd be looking for another school.

She'll be fine. Really annoys me that people assume that rich/successful people look down on others.

I’d have no issue with your DD fitting in just fine.

However, you in the teacher role might find it a bit difficult to make more intimate friendship groups, mainly because the parents may not say exactly what they think to you as they would expect your loyalties to lie with the school, you maybe kept on the periphery to an extent. This is certainly my experience.

I have a relative who teaches in the school her son went too and she found it near impossible to make friends within that community yet had no problems at her DDs school.

Of course, you might not find that to be relevant in your situation - I don’t know.

My dc go to an international school there is a complete mix from those with private jets, through bankers, onto people like us whose employers pay and teacher's kids.

My dc are tweens and honestly it really doesn't seem to matter that much. Some dc do assume everyone is as wealthy as them but overall there is much less pressure about wearing the right clothes etc than there was in their state schools in the UK. I think because it is just assumed you could if you wanted to.

The teachers' kids fit in with no issues.

I went to a posh private school, despite living in an estate, and being rather poor.
No problem at all for me, except a bit of envy but nothing that life doesn't teach you anyway, never felt unhappy because of that.

My older sister however, she felt very much more like the poor kid in the school and hated it. Now it's her kids who are in private schools, but they're the posh ones.

@stopwindingeachotherup It’s not from that point of view really, I know a few of them and all are really lovely and I don’t expect them to be snobs, it’s if my Dd feels disappointment or feels left out as she can’t adhere to all levels of the lifestyle that sometimes accompanies it.

I went to a school where the mega rich went. At first my mum was a single mum and struggling, then she remarried and wewere comfortable but never that rich.

It made no difference. Yes there were some cliques I wouldn’t have been a part of even if I had wanted to (I didn’t), and several of my friends were less well off (I preferred them) but I certainly never wished I had more money.

In fact, it has served me in very good stead in life, as I don’t idealise the benefits of wealth - many of my mega rich friends had very unhappy family situations. I also realised that however much you have someone always has more - you may have a private jet but someone else will have a newer/ bigger one, etc. It’s a silly way to measure yourself.