Richer friends, would it work?

[Rossfaketan]

I live in another country and am friends with lots in the local ex pat community.
I’m a teacher and have been offered a position at a private, international school. This would also mean a huge discount on fees if we wanted our Dd to attend (3 years old) it’s a beautiful school and I can see how many amazing doors it would open for her...the issue is the majority of parents are wealthy to very wealthy-think 5-10 million pound properties, some celebrities etc. The less well off are still in the position to send their children to private school and have villas with pools etc.
We are an average income family, with a lovely house by the beach and average car.
How would my child find being friends with so many more fortunate children? Would it work or would it make more sense to send her to the local, good, state school?
Don’t you find people of similar wealth/backgrounds tend to be friends/hang around together? Would my daughter and I fit in?

I agree with the majority here who say go for it - if your daughter misses the occasional (or all) ski trips it will be a fine life lesson that money doesn’t grow on trees and you can’t have everything you want, the same way at state schools some kids didn’t go on ski trips and others had to work to save up and others got it from their parents without even having to ask. I really think you’re overthinking it, everywhere you are in life people have different houses, jobs, cars, values. She’ll only get hung up on the differences if you constantly point them out.

I do appreciate the ultra high net worth individuals can be from a different planet but kids are kids and won’t care. I agree with others there can be a lot more competition about brands, clothes etc at state schools whereas at private schools these things can be taken for granted in a way so funnily enough the kids don’t compete to show wealth.

In terms of friendships for you as parents, I also agree you’re much more likely to have issues from being a teacher than from being less well off. I doubt they would care about that.

I would clarify with the school (a) what happens if you leave your job (expect they do have provision for this) and (b) what happens with trips and extras. But if (b) wasn’t included I still wouldn’t let it put me off. They’re extras for a reason, they’re not essentials.

To be honest, I think you sound like you’re about to turn down an opportunity of a lifetime for your daughter due to inverse snobbery.

I think it depends on your attitude and how your child manages. I was at a private school on a full assisted place. I was acutely aware of being poor (single parent family, no holidays, no school trips, clapped out car). My best friend was from a family who were multi millionaires.....if a little dysfunctional. We are still besties (Both DH and I earn welland her parents don’t appear to have given her handouts)and a few years ago we discussing our very different upbringings. I said loved going to her house because there was so much to do....she said she liked coming to my house because it was normal. DC have been to 2 prep schools. The london one was full of pretty wealthy normal people, for whom I had a lot of time. The other one is full of showy entitled people, whom I try to avoid.

I attended a school in a very wealthy area.

My mum always made a big deal about how much money they all had and always pointed out their fancy cars. She clearly felt self conscious which made me feel self conscious.

I also remember being teased About being poor by a few girls. We weren’t poor, I know that now, but at the time I thought we were. We could only afford one holiday a year - but went to France And Italy, even America a few years. But hey made me feel crap.

It’s more about me and my mum. I dont Have any fiends from those days, and it took years to recover my self confidence. I remember feeling embarrassed when I was asked where I lived (not the nice part of town).

I wish I could go back and tell my mum we were just as good as them

My parents didn't socialise with the other parents, but they wouldn't have anyway, as they're just not sociable people. I did a few if the extra curricular things, like DofE and others that didn't cost as much. There were things like uniforms that cost much more than other schools, and they made plenty of sacrifices to afford them. To them, they were investing in my education and it was worth the money.

I'd take the job and give her the opportunity. If it's awful or she feels out of place you can move on.

She'd get a great education.
There'd be some snobby horrible kids and some lovely ones. That's pretty much the same in every school albeit at different £££ levels.
She wouldn't get to do horse riding, ski etc at a state school so she might as well be at the good school and not do it imo.

@Tal45

I would see how the job goes at the school, get to know the kids that are there and what they're like and then you'll be in a great position to decide whether it would be a good place for your lo.

Agree with this. Can you take the job for a year or two before she would need to start, and get a feel for the culture there first?

My husband went to a posh private school for free as his mum was on the faculty there. He's told me that some of the kids were snobs but others were fine and he had no real problems being there. I'd give it a go if I were you.

I wouldn't. I would have thought the difference in her income and yours would become more obvious as she ages. I went from being middle class and comfortable to being poor as piss. My middle class friends couldn't understand it or that I couldn't go out with them anymore. It was like they just coudn't grasp that I didnt' have the money for a cinema ticket. I would have thought your daughter will have something similar as she gets older. She just won't be able to afford to do the things they do and that affects the friendships you can form. And no-one ones to be the pitied and treated with 'kindness' cos you're poor ( at least relatively).

I taught for a bit in an international school abroad with kids from super rich backgrounds from all over the world. Just like everywhere else, some of them were lovely, others not so much. What bothered me though was how out of touch with reality they were. That would put me off.
Also, the school wasn't academically that good I don't think but that, of course, very much depends on the school.

I went to a private school with kids from a range of backgrounds. Most of my friends had big houses and lived in the naice parts of town - we lived in a small house in a far less salubrious area. I went on some of the fancy school trips, but not all. I couldn’t join my friends at ice skating lessons, or learn a musical instrument, because that sort of thing was just too expensive.

None of that bothered me. I was confident, felt accepted and never noticed any unpleasantness towards the less well off from the wealthier ones. If anything there was the occasional inverse snobbish carping - “Urgh that Poppy St John-Smythe is so up herself” type of comment. The most popular girls were not the richest; it was more about personality.

One of my best friends was from a family who made great sacrifices to send her to that school. I always thought she was as happy as me there, but in recent years she told me that she hated school, and found it snobbish, and was made to feel inferior because of her background.

I found this really surprising. Same school year, similar friends. You’d think we’d have had the same experience. So it just goes to show how differently people can experience things. My friend was always a sensitive person, who lacked self confidence, and her parents were a bit defensive about their jobs and home, so perhaps that had an effect.

In a nutshell I think it depends on the culture of the school and the personalities at play.

I think it depends on the culture where you live and in the school.

If the rich kids are all in roughly the same financial position (e.g. all doctors' or lawyers' kids), it's more likely IME that they'll make your DD feel left out. If there is a wide range of wealth among the richer kids, it's less likely to be an issue.

As CatherinedeBourgh said above, there's always someone richer than you. Realising that you might fly business or first class but someone else charters private and someone else owns their own jet and someone else owns multiple jets makes kids less likely to focus so much on wealth. Assuming the culture of the area and the school isn't obsessed with wealth and hierarchy.

My son attended a private school through primary and secondary.
The kids were lovely, no issues with them at all.
However once he got to secondary the wealth differences became more noticeable.
Teens especially want to 'fit in' and be the same as their friends but a lot of things he was just not able to partake in as we couldn't afford it.
Whilst he did understand he did find it difficult.
His friends also had much more 'stuff' than him. Lavish 16/17/18th parties/gifts were the norm, along with a healthy monthly allowance and large clothes budgets.
He did find the differences very hard at times when he couldn't join his friends for weekend activities. Also a lot of friends lived in a bubble and just could not understand why he couldn't attend ski weekend, trip to London etc etc

Don’t deny her a wonderful education because you’re intimidated by other parents. I was the poor kid in a posh school. No one batted an eye apart from one new kid who was an arsehole. But I was established in the school having been there since pre-prep and everyone stood up for me so it backfired on him.

The thing is, most people in most places are pretty decent and there are a few unpleasant ones everywhere.

I think there is a difference between being on the breadline and going to a top fee laying school, and being fairly middle class and on a bursary or discounted place because your parents work there.

Some children come from backgrounds of extreme disadvantage. For some, no-one has worked for generations and there is inadequate food and heating and clothing. They might have parents with addictions and serious mental health issues. Their lives include numerous difficulties and things which other children in all kinds of schools would struggle to relate to and which make them feel isolated. They will probably feel isolated in most schools and perhaps even moreso in a top fee paying school, or possibly no moreso.

Lots of children on bursaries and who have small scholarships or discounts because their parents work there or are clergy etc come from pretty middle class backgrounds. Their parents might not be rich but often they are educated and have had access to a range of activities. This might not include hugely expensive things like horse riding or skiing or globetrotting, but they might well have been involved in sport or music or all kinds of other activities. They probably have holidays and do t struggle for enough food or heating.

So what are the potential issues of going to a school where most people are very affluent? It can be the case that some children are snooty or snobby or very interested in money and wealth. It's usually the case that they are like this if their parents are. There are children and parents like this in every school, it's just the degrees if wealth that can vary but the attitude can be there. Most children aren't that bothered by them or impacted by them......unless they already have some kind of inferiority over wealth complex, which is to do with their own alrents attitude.

In terms of activities, lots of students don't go on the various long haul trips abroad. It's totally the norm. Many middle class children on bursaries or those of teachers have enough money to pay for some selected trips and activities and that's fine. Children and parents who feel aggrieved or hurt by not being able to do all the expensive activities could come from those on discounted places or those who are actually very well off but just not as well off as the richest....and who care about that stuff.

In the end, I really think it comes down to parental attitude. I have a friend whose son goes to a top school on a discounted place. My friend spends all her time talking about house prices and salaries and what she has compared to the other families. Her son has heard it all since he was very small. Both he and her have a bit of a complex abiut living in a smaller house and having less money than others. They both think about it a lot. I have another friend too whose child goes to the same school also on a discounted place, who is from a similar financial background...comfortable but not especially well off. They never talk about money or what other people have or what they have. I honestly think it isn't a big issue for them at all...and that's the adults and the child. It might be partly explained by the fact the second parents are highly educated and although not very well off, are academically and socially confident - they absolutely have no sense of feeling inferior. They will chat to anyone and be happy to do so.

So this thing about how parents feel matters a lot. If as a parent you've never ever mixed with the well-off and realised they are just people, you can decide they must be very different and feel inferior and inadequate. If you are confident in yourself as a person...your personality, your abilities etc and you teach that to your child (and it is by osmosis and how you live and who you are) then your child feels this too.

When people post on MN with this kind of Q and worries about not fitting in etc, I just feel a bit worried for some of them, because they make me think of my first friend. If it's a big issue for you as a parent, it might well be for the child too.

Working in an independent school can be a good way to see the reality....that children really are children in the main, and that most parents will be pleasant and a few unpleasant in all schools. Peoples lifestyles might be a bit different and their expectations be a bit different, but in the end, pretty much al parents sending their children to these schools want their children to do well and be happy...and you have that in common. Get to know some people and see, that especially if you're basically in the middle class, you can fit in very easily, unless you've got a chip on your shoulder.

I wouldn't worry about you not mixing with your dc's friend's parents. One of my dc's friend's father was a teacher at the school and he was just as much a part of the group. We somehow all just accepted without talking about it that he was a parent when not at school and a teacher when there - no problem. In fact quite handy when you wanted to get information to the school in a roundabout way to drop the odd comment ....

I was the poor kid, I'm quite sensitive and cared a lot about what people thought of me.

At my first private school - a feeder for places like Eton etc - some children teased me about not having certain things or going certain places on holiday. There were some elitist nasty snobs there - and this was age 10! I remember a few teachers shutting them down for awful comments. It was quite a competitive school and I think attracted families who were more likely to be elitist as a result.

I felt ashamed inviting friends to my modest house and generally felt inferior despite being popular at school. It still affects me to this day. I wish my parents had supported me not to care about this stuff, I don't think I really spoke to them about it though.

I went to another private school after that which was not snobby at all, and felt included, so they aren't all the same.

I would say however if she goes from a young age that would make a huge difference. I was at an impressionable age where I had awareness but lacked self assurance.

There's absolutely no reason for the op's daughter to feel embarrassed about her home or background, her mother is a professional woman, they have a good house and possessions even if less than some. If she is confident, she will be fine.

I also think that international schools are different from private schools. You get a lot of people there who are doing ordinary jobs, who get schooling as part of the package, and whose kids would not go to fee paying schools back home (vast majority). You get a few who are extraordinarily rich expats (private plane, not business class) but these are in the minority. And then you get local families who either like the idea of an international setting for their children or whose children are not bright enough for the local elite schools, and the American/British/International school allows them a bit of face saving as they can always claim that their children are going there as it is easier to get into an American/British university (this was very much the case in Paris).

Our daughter is one of those kids. We can just about to afford the fees but, impatiently waiting to stop paying ;-). Unlike in her previous school where lots of parents were professionals with good salaries, some families in her current school are seriously very wealthy but in both schools her experience has been very positive.

Saying that... a few months ago, she came home and was really happy when I asked her why, the response was that her friend from school she just visited also lives in a small house! We try not to make an issue out of it... and I tell DD that there will always be someone richer or poorer and there is no point worrying about it.

Honestly I always find the parents made a much bigger deal about this than the kids. It's only a problem if you make it a problem. I found the right people at my very posh private school and you ignore snobs regardless of how much money you have. I'd hate my children to have friends that only liked them because they had money. Choose who you mix with.

This was my daughter growing up, we were the average family and rhe school she went to was full of very wealthy parents. Honestly it was fine. I was a bit stunned sometimes going into people’s houses, and sometimes felt a bit embarrassed reciprocating, which was me not them

However she has grown up and doesn’t bat an eyelid when walking into anything from a council flat to a twenty million pound house. And you’d be surprised at home many wealthy parents are really quite tight with their kids and don’t splash money on them, to make them appreciate it. Also we found the girls who boarded always wanted to come to us, or anyone, at weekends.

I’d not judge it. I really think the bigger issue for her is going to the same school her mum works at.