Richer friends, would it work?

[Rossfaketan]

I live in another country and am friends with lots in the local ex pat community.
I’m a teacher and have been offered a position at a private, international school. This would also mean a huge discount on fees if we wanted our Dd to attend (3 years old) it’s a beautiful school and I can see how many amazing doors it would open for her...the issue is the majority of parents are wealthy to very wealthy-think 5-10 million pound properties, some celebrities etc. The less well off are still in the position to send their children to private school and have villas with pools etc.
We are an average income family, with a lovely house by the beach and average car.
How would my child find being friends with so many more fortunate children? Would it work or would it make more sense to send her to the local, good, state school?
Don’t you find people of similar wealth/backgrounds tend to be friends/hang around together? Would my daughter and I fit in?

My dc occasionally sigh about our lack of a beach house 😂

School skiing trips are cheaper than most of the ones I've heard of in the UK and there are always dc who don't go for various reasons.

There is a crazy popular second hand uniform sale twice a year, proceeds to charity. I had totally misunderstood the popularity of this at first as I assumed that no parent would want to be seen buying 2nd hand clothes. But because it isn't associated with the shame linked to poverty it is popular.

I work in an independent school and though there can be issues, I would not let it stop my from enrolling my child. Many things have already been mentioned, but your being a teacher there will make it easier because you will be respected by parents and your children's peers. There will be other children of faculty attending so there is a normalized cohort if that makes sense. If it is a great school try it, and your child can always leave if it is not a great match.

Your child/you would have great connections which would be useful at some point. My friend was educated privately (bursary) and she was friends with really rich people and with rich people you will find that it always opens those doors...

I think they’d fit in too.

Plenty of wealthy people don’t flash their cash and would rather save/spend responsibly instead of keeping up with the Jones’s, so the other parents might even drive the same car as you or buy the same brands. There’s no guarantee they’d judge you over anything, they may not bat an eyelid.

As for your daughter feeling left out, well part of that is on her if she compares herself to others and feels sad she doesn’t have the same expensive stuff to match their lifestyle. If she’s able to concede that she can’t be on their level in that way just yet, she should still be able to make genuine friendships.

[quote Rossfaketan]@IndiaMay That’s what I’m thinking, it’s the extra bits too, even socially at the weekends and the things they do, it could cost a fair amount. She’d be able to likely go on some of the trips but my worry is the need to always feel we have to keep up with it all in order to give her the best, if it is in fact the best?[/quote]
My parents were offered a very significantly reduced scholarship to a private school when I was 11 and turned it down for this reason. They said they would have spent everything they had on the reduced fees and I would never be able to probably do all the extra stuff. Instead I went to a state school, went on lots of exciting trips (including volunteer projects outside of Europe), exchanges, my parents were able to buy me an instrument to take part in the school orchestra, I was able to have more expensive weekend hobbies....I never felt poor (until I went to uni but that's different). I can't say if they made the right decision but I am definitely grateful for how they chose to spend their limited funds on my activities and development rather than school fees...

There is always someone richer than you (almost!) so there will always be someone around who has more than you or whose parents give them more. It doesnt really matter if it is a few pence more or hundreds of pounds, the difference is always there. I actually want my kids to not have everything they want and have to feel the pressure of making choices over finances, I think it trains them well to not overspend or become entitled. Being spoilt is worse (IMHO) than having to suck up some disappointment once in a while.
I was the DC on a scholarship surrounded by rich friends when I was growing up - actually did me the world of good (and they were almost all nice to me and the ones that werent were horrible to everyone as it was a general character flaw) My dc are now in the position of being the ones from a wealthy family with friends who are teachers dc. I am glad the teachers dc are there and we actively seek out friendships with them.

I see someone has already mentioned that it didn't do them any harm, so it takes all sorts.

A friend of mine had to the opposite experience. They had a lovely lifestyle but because her son went to school with the children of millionaires, he always felt terribly hard done by.

I think a lot of the posters here who have lived experience of being the poor kid in a rich school are very reassuring and it's good to know that most were not unhappy or made to feel different. My DD went to an international school where many kids came from quite 'ordinary' backgrounds - some better off than others, obviously. My friend was a single parent teacher at the school, with her own children there, and she really struggled with feeling inferior to the better off parents. But it was the really rich ones who were different. The ones with multiple properties across the globe, and staff to look after their every need and whim. If they are the majority in your new school, then you may feel uncomfortable socialising. And, as other posters have said, you are stuck with your career choice if you want your child to stay in the school. I wouldn't hesitate to take up such a post without children, because you never have to socialise with parents. But I'd think carefully, because of your DD, about your own social life in the future. You'd be bound to get sucked in to the parents' circle.

I would see how the job goes at the school, get to know the kids that are there and what they're like and then you'll be in a great position to decide whether it would be a good place for your lo.

I absolutely agree that there can be more pressure to have the latest thing / wear the right clothes in poorer schools. I went to a rubbish state school where there was lots of pressure to fit in, then went to a private school where that pressure wasn't there because people assumed you could buy it if you wanted to

I don’t see any problem with it at all.
Shouldn’t make any difference. It’ll only become an issue if you allow it to be.
I’d absolutely send her there.

I don’t think the fact that our family was less wealthy stopped my mother socialising. In fact the vast majority of my childhood holidays were spent at wealthy friends’ second homes st the beach or in the country, sometimes with the whole family, sometimes just me.

The fact that I couldn’t reciprocate wasn’t an issue, we didn’t have multiple properties so noone expected us to offer!

I'd say go for it. Even in a state school the wealth of differing familiar can vary massively.

Families - not familiar!

Why not give it a go. There may be disparities of what extra-curricular or weekend activites you can afford but whether that is a real issue may depend on the country you are in. If safe then hanging out on the beach and cheaper more local activities are available friends may be happy to join those. You may also find that some of the expats sending kids there have a good house/school package but not a ‘mega wealthy’ disposable income - it is certainly the case for western diplomatic for e.g.

My grandchildren ages 3 & 7, go to a private school in Spain where my son is a teacher. Lots of rich kids/parents. They seem very happy there, have an indoor & outdoor swimming pool. Both bilingual. Everyone’s happy.

It really depends on what kind of private school it is...I was on scholarship at a very elite private school and it was really horrible, narrow minded, everyone had to wear the same brands and if you didn't have them you were looked down on, etc. I was miserable and had very few friends, and felt very inferior. One girl told people she was friendly to me because she felt sorry for me.

I then transferred to a local public school and was much happier, with lots of friends. The standard of education was much lower, though, even in advanced classes, and the facilities were much less impressive.

If I could have done it over I would have met in the middle with a specialised public school, like a performing arts school. Good standard of education, but broader range of people and less snobbishness. And not all private schools are like the one I went to. As you're teaching there you probably have a good gauge on the atmosphere.

Yep - a lot of kids of teachers go to my kids private school, lots of them live at school, no one batts an eyelid, no one cares what you drive, where you live, what you wear - just as long as you are a good person x

@stopwindingeachotherup

She'll be fine. Really annoys me that people assume that rich/successful people look down on others.

Exactly! Think long term and costs that may occur but I say go for it

I went to a private school. Both my parents worked fairly low skilled jobs. They scrimped and saved to send me there. They also only had one child so they could give me the best education. Our local state schools at the time were always considered very good.

It was without a doubt the best decision they could have made - I pretty much consistently thank them for it. I didn't get to go on all the school trips, I didn't have a car when everyone else in the year did and I definitely lived in the smallest house! But, I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

I had tiny classes (4 people in my A level English class) and friends for life who (being completely honest) have opened doors for me. The smaller classes meant that there was always a teacher able to help me when I needed it. Our local state school, where I also had friends, had an A level English class of 20 kids and my friends often struggled to get teachers help because there were just too many of them.

There is no way I would have the career I have or have met the people I have without the friends I made and the school I went to. It opened so many doors being in that sort of environment.

For many children, they really do not care about money or how rich their friends are. Her making friends won't be an issue. If she doesn't like it, you can always withdraw her and send her to the state school, but if you have the opportunity you'd be crazy to turn it down!

I was a poor kid at a very good independent school and did really well, still friends with a few people a couple of decades later.

I was the poorest kid in a super posh school and it never bothered me.

the best, if it is in fact the best?

Well, what do you mean by 'the best'? What kind of 'amazing doors' do you think it would open for her? I can't decide if you mean she would get an unsurpassable education in several languages or if you just mean she would have a lot of international jetset friends? Are you thinking of educational or social benefits?

It would be a mistake to think of everyone as rich and you as poor. There will be a spectrum of wealth and you may be nearer one end but there will be plenty of people closer to you in terms of wealth than they are to the richest families.

Only parents at the far end of the spectrum will be able to provide their DCs with every experience that their schoolmates have so I ready wouldn’t think in terms of missing out.

I think you and your DD will be fine. And I say this is someone who’s DC went to a party at an actual royal palace.

I really wouldn't overthink it. It sounds like a lovely opportunity for your dc. I went to private school my whole life. My parents were not poor, but they were not necessarily on par with many of the parents in my school. Neither had a university education, and my mum worked 3 jobs to afford the school fees because she quite wisely believed that struggling so I could have a good education was worth it (the state schools in our local area were not very good). I certainly went to school with some students whose parents were very well off, a few celebrities, high level government officials, even a Trump actually (blergh) etc. Honestly, I knew no different. They were perfectly normal enough kids and the ones that weren't were interestingly eccentric. I never felt like I wasn't 'as good as' them, if that's what you mean. And actually I think quite a lot of them probably longed for the normal sort of family life that I had, seeing my mum every day, normal weekend activities, etc. Whereas many of them were packed away to boarding school and only saw their parents twice a year, and they couldn't even be bothered to come collect them at the end of the year, sending staff instead to move them out. Quite sad actually. I definitely don't feel like anyone ever looked down on me.