Richer friends, would it work?

[Rossfaketan]

I live in another country and am friends with lots in the local ex pat community.
I’m a teacher and have been offered a position at a private, international school. This would also mean a huge discount on fees if we wanted our Dd to attend (3 years old) it’s a beautiful school and I can see how many amazing doors it would open for her...the issue is the majority of parents are wealthy to very wealthy-think 5-10 million pound properties, some celebrities etc. The less well off are still in the position to send their children to private school and have villas with pools etc.
We are an average income family, with a lovely house by the beach and average car.
How would my child find being friends with so many more fortunate children? Would it work or would it make more sense to send her to the local, good, state school?
Don’t you find people of similar wealth/backgrounds tend to be friends/hang around together? Would my daughter and I fit in?

Virtually all of the staff at our school take advantage of the reduced fees to send their kids there - I assume it's one of the perks of teaching / working there, so there's no way any of those kids stand out, there are plenty of them.

My daughter is on a scholarship to a 23k a year prep school. It worried me as well, but it needn't have. At 10/11 the children don't really seem to notice that our house is smaller, much less care. Same with the parents - they are on the whole (as with most situations) lovely - with no sense of snobbery. Birthday presents are 'normal' - as are parties. It is the best thing that we ever did, she is so happy and is doing really well. The difference between her school and my youngest 2 (who still go to the local state primary) provisions for home schooling is absolutely shocking. But what makes me most cross is what the prep school is doing could be replicated by all schools (and yes, they are still having to teach key worker children as well).

However, i would say that despite the fees, most families are in the 2-3m house bracket and not the 5-10 million.

Although DD's bestie is the wealthiest in the class with a lineage. And her and her mum are very down to Earth and are lovely to my DD.

It's a tough one. I would worry a bit about the likely entitlement, assumption that everyone who matters always has lots of money, that going on ordinary holidays is rubbish, etc. It will depend v much on how susceptible to that kind of influence your DC is. When she leaves school she'll presumably not have a lot of money, whereas a lot of the others will be rolling in it, will have no need to get a real job if they don't want to, etc. She may find that some parents discourage friendships with her. In my limited experience of wealthy people, their children assume that they fully deserve everything that is handed to them on a golden plate, and have no sense of what life is like for most people.

I went to an international school in east Asia about 15 years ago. We were wealthy-ish (just cause my fathers company paid for school, rent, utilities, transportation etc.). Nobody looked down on the 'poorer' kids, however they couldn't participate to the extras. They played basketball in the local games but couldn't participate to the main tournament that was 3h flight away or to the band concert.

It's a great opportunity. I think it is one of those things that really depends on your kids personality if it will be a problem or not

As we go through life we will always encounter, and become friendly with, people who are better off than us - and worse off. That is life. It honestly doesn't matter. If you have things in common and enjoy a person's company, their income and status are unimportant.

Your life sounds pretty good, op. If opportunities present themselves for your daughter, take them and let her work out life for herself. Whatever you do, do not talk to her about things like 'people being rich', there's no need for her to think about that at all or make comparisons, she will be a little girl for a long time. You're not poor anyway.

Most importantly, do you think you would enjoy working at that school? If you do, go for it and good luck.

I had a scholarship when I was at school and I never had any issues. Likewise DD has one now and it’s fine.
I think you being a teacher will be a bigger barrier to socialising than your wealth or lack of

It honestly depends on the ethos of the school and the parents. At my children's school, there were many teachers that had their children in school, and some that stayed purely for that perk. My friend that teaches at another independent school locally said she would never allow her DD to go to her school as she had seen how some pupils treated staff children.
If you work there you'll know how she would be treated.
Early years is less likely to be an issue in any case, as children are far less aware of their differences.
I remember dropping DS at his best friend's house to play, when they were Y1...and our entire ground floor (and we lived in a £££house at the time!) would have fitted into their entrance hall!

Op when children are cheek by jowl at school personality is what counts, not parents’ wealth.
Why pass up a fantastic opportunity for your dd.

My kids were at a private school, briefly, where some parents had plenty of money. They were unwelcoming partly because they assumed we didn't have the level of their wealth but mostly because they were bitchy and unfriendly. My kids then went to another much smaller private school where the parents were of all financial backgrounds and some were lovely and friendly and some weren't.

In my experience the rich aren't the problem. They know they're rich, know some scholarship kids aren't, and don't need to be competitive about possessions.

Problems in school come from kids who aren't 'rich' rich but whose parents think they're better than the kids from the estate because they can afford music lessons or a skiing holiday.

In some poorer schools it's all about the right trainers, because it's a big deal to have them. Rich people generally don't care if you dress from Oxfam, because coveting and affording clothes etc has never been a thing.

A member of my wider family went to private school (not a mega rich private school though). She was desperate to fit into the rich set, and lied about her parents to make them sound richer and more successful than they were. She used to complain about family holidays on the continent, because apparently everyone else went to the US on holiday.

Children are unlikely to notice the difference between their parents' salaries or their privileges.

Just encourage your children to find their own hobbies that are affordable and accessible to you.

Remember to not compare you children to other children, your children can be as happy as their peers, even if they don't do horseriding lessons.

I was the poor kid who won a scholarship to an expensive girls school. The education set me up for life. I didn't go on ski trips and got taken to school in an old banger but it didn't bother me.

The education set me up for life and I'm hugely grateful for it. I'm very comfortable around very wealthy people and those with nothing.

I now also live overseas in a house by the beach and my daughter goes to an expansive private school you. We also live a normal life in comparison to a lot of her peers.

But your values are taught at home. She knows that money doesn't mean the best or that you are superior. We've taught her that the best things in life are the simple things. And that giving is really important.

I'd go for it OP. An education is the highest gift you can give her. Your values are your values.

Could she do extra curriculars out of the school, so she keeps friends 'in both camps'

Both my DC went to private schools with a very wide range of parental incomes and we've had our share of celebrity's children around to play too.

They were both very happy at their schools and the disparity in income was never an issue with their friends. They are still in touch with many of them now they've all left

If you couldnt afford the extra activities, holidays and weekends away i wouldnt send her, as she would want to go and be the only one not going. That would be hard for her

I don’t know the context for international private schools, but I’ve found in the UK that even though the very wealthy are most visible, all schools have plenty of families who are cobbling together the fees, leaving little for the extras. So I wouldn’t take the golf/horse riding/skiing as a given. Plus, if your DD has her own hobbies - with those out of school - it will also help her develop friendships other than school friends. I’d go for it, and worst case scenario if she doesn’t fit in the local school will still be there.

My DC went to a brilliant private school. We live in a very normal house on a low income with a battered old car. Among their closest friends are a couple of families who live in mansions and own castles, one seriously rich family that owns several luxury holiday homes for their own use and a couple of families who are less well off than we are. The wealthy ones are generous and welcoming so DC have seen a fair bit of how the other half live and it has inspired them to aim for well-paid careers. But their rich friends also love coming to our house because we cook for them and are welcoming to them and make them feel liked and appreciated. I'm glad they went to that school. They have been happy there.

Well , not ex pat thing - but my son went to school with those who were more or less well off - and even through teenage years - never a problem

I think we were on the lower end - i.e. he went to party at junior school & the going home bags were probably more expensive than most of his birthday presents.

I'd not worry . They ended up making friends.

@gruffalo28

I was a scholarship kid to posh girls school. Never bothered me. Kids can feel out of place for all sports of reasons but whether they actually let it bother them depends upon their personality etc. I suspect if you don't ever even mention it as an issue they won't think much about it either.

100% this...

Well you've already mentioned that some are very wealthy and some not so much so really you could say do the kids fomr nice houses with a pool feel left out that they don't have multiple expensive holidays and thousands of pounds birthday parties etc.

If you think about it there are normally kids of teachers at the any private school.

You will also find that she gets invited to join her friends on holidays etc.

I was one of the poor kids at a private girls' school in the UK. I won an academic scholarship to go. In those days there were several girls on assisted places.
My experience was different to a lot of people on this thread. All of my friends were assisted place girls. We stuck together because we did not fit in with the social set of the richer girls whose parents had much higher earning professional jobs. We weren't invited to go places with the richer girls. We didn't have enough money to go on the fancy ski trips or tours to Australia and so on.

That said. I didn't really care about not fitting in with the rich girls and they weren't too mean or nasty - there were the odd comments to keep us in our place.....but I had lovely friends who were like me. I'm also grateful for the education I received there.

What is the alternative school like?
How long is your contract for?
What would you do if you lost your job?
Is it an English speaking country? Would the local state school be teaching in English?
Are you planning to return to the UK at any point in the future?
How will your daughter feel about being in the school her parent teachers at? There were girls in my school like that and they all hated it.
There are quite a lot of questions for you to think about and probably the rich/poor thing is not the most important.

The answer to this depends on YOUR attitude. If it's an issue for you, it probably will be for her as children always pick up in those things.
If however, you are confident and don't let wealth define yourself or the ay you see others, it will be absolutley fine.

I was a scholarship student for 2 years at an independent school and I used to get bullied for being poor. But there were some nice people I made friends with that didn’t make a big deal out of our wealth divide.

Anything social activity outside of school was extremely awkward for me. I didn’t get any pocket money so couldn’t spend even £1 which was very embarrassing. No school trips abroad either. We were very poor though (could barely afford the train fare to school) so perhaps for you there might not be such a noticeable difference.

That said, I don’t regret going for a second. The academic opportunities changed my life trajectory.

DD1 went to international schools. Huge range of children and incomes and she made friends with children from all over. Yes, some are rich, famous (one of her friends was the daughter of a Spice Girl, others were daughters of film directors), but they all find their niche.